Gay Relationship

[dedalus1994]

Do you think that gay men are less inclined to have stable relationships?

I've been in London for 2 years and I only had one chance to meet someone for more than few dates.

It's certainly also because of me:
I'm quite shy, introvert and not very confident about some features of my body. I find it difficult to "sustain" a prolonged talk with a stranger in a date context where I feel the other person is forming an opinion of me. I'm totally different with friends and family. I also don't go out often.

I'm studying and working full time since September so I don't have much time/ money to dedicate to dating, going out etc...

Do you think I should just wait for a better moment of my life to think about a relationships?
Which strategies/context/experiences could help me to cope with the stress I get from dates?

 

[Vasko]

PS: One thing I wanted to mention is have a look at London Friend (www.londonfriend.org.uk) - its an organisation which has been running for some time, off scene, offering counselling and support but also just a space to hang out, community groups, drop-in cafes etc etc. They're very welcoming and might just provide you with a safe space in which you can talk to someone.

 

[headbang8]

Dates are horrible things, aren’t they? For all the reasons you describe.

I’m kinda with @ohiorod on this one. Discomfort because you feel like you’re being judged won’t be stopped with an alternative dating strategy. No matter how busy you are with study and work, it’s worth taking time to reflect on what’s good about yourself. @Vasko’s suggestion is good, too. It’s great to meet other gay men in a non-sexualised environment—for fellowship and openness.

And don’t give up on non-romantic sex. It’s a great way to remind yourself how great it is to feel like a human being. Everybody’s sexy to someone, and you’re sexy to more than most, you handsome devil. Enjoy your body, and you’ll feel better in your soul.

 

[Vasko]

"And don’t give up on non-romantic sex. It’s a great way to remind yourself how great it is to feel like a human being. Everybody’s sexy to someone, and you’re sexy to more than most, you handsome devil. Enjoy your body, and you’ll feel better in your soul. "

I agree - but it can be difficult to see that, if you inside that body. Sometimes being wanted, though, or a little flirting throughout the day provides just the ego-boost needed to lift your spirits.

 

[ohiorod]

You offered a lot of details that I think also answer your question. While, it is certainly possible that guy’s your age are not looking for s stable relationship yet, I believe that your challenges are best detailed in your third paragraph. I am guessing that paragraph describes much of your life and now that you have arrived around the mid century mark in your life, you are desiring a stable relationship. From my perspective, the outcome you desire will take some work. I urge you to make some incremental changes that will work on your confidence and shyness. The work could include some guided changes that a therapist might offer, self-help books, getting out to volunteer or joining some social groups, but it will definitely require some time and commitment from you. People are attracted to others that demonstrate some confidence, but more importantly that like themselves. In fact, you need to love yourself, if you expect others to love you, otherwise even when you find someone , you will feel unworthy. I’m not sure what the features of your body are that you struggle with, but those are possibly the key parts that you will need to focus on in accepting yourself. Just know that achieving confidence involves some work and time. Be patient with yourself, but also push yourself outside your comfort zone at times.

I know from my own history that telling an introverted person to make changes is not an easy task, and I can’t guarantee that the right guy will fall into your lap, but I can say you will probably be happier, get a better job and surround yourself with more friends. In other words, what do you have to lose except unhappiness and internal pain ?

I wish you good luck and happiness in life. As you continue travel the path of life, please be careful about protecting yourself from HIV and I truly hope you will achieve your goals and will find growth along the way .

 

[Vasko]

One thing to relive stress but also to get you used to talking to strangers is to pursue some hobby - whether its sports, gardening, photography etc etc there is bound to be a group around for that of like-minded people. That way you would have something to talk about with a stranger but also widen your circle of friends based on a shared interest.

Also, as you mentioned that your time is taken up with work & studies, perhaps the time is not quite right for a full-on relationship but perhaps something more of a "friendship with potential" to develop into a relationship a little later.

(On the other hand, I did meet my partner whilst we were both students, so there you go...)

Certainly wish you well