Gay Self Hate

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jtslover, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. jtslover

    jtslover New Member

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    A few days ago someone posted about how they hated that they were gay, and this just popped up on my youtube a few minutes ago, so I thought I'd share it.

    Self Hate for Being LGBT - YouTube

    I'm not out yet, so I think this perspective is interesting, not a lot of people go against the "It gets better" campaign. I haven't come out because of religious problems so this kinda applies to my situation, and I like that he apologized for many of the religious crazies.
     
  2. houtx48

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    People have to deal with it in their own way although I think it counter productive to hate yourself over it. It is what it is.
     
  3. dude_007

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    It is hard. The statistics are troubling. The LGBT community has the highest suicide/attempted suicide rates, despite the perception that things are getting better and more accepting. It's still a huge stigma...
     
  4. Infernal

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    It isn't easy, but I think it is easier now than it was 20 years ago + years ago when I was in high school. Combine sexuality with the normal drama of being a teen and it can be a nightmare for some. At some point you have to decide if what other people think about you is really that important. Love yourself, and fuck what anyone else thinks.
     
  5. hairyversmuscle

    hairyversmuscle Well-Known Member

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    Even 20 years ago it was hard because there was no outlets for gay youth like there is now. I cried a lot, knowing that I could never tell anyone about me and no one could ever know. All I knew was that I was different, I hadn't seen a gay person or really even knew what it was about. Thanks to the internet, and sites like this, we know there are other folks out there and we aren't the only ones, like we dealt with 20 years ago now.

    I read that post from the guy who hated himself and its a terrible place. Society has demonized gays so badly that of course people are upset when they realize who they are. It is sad that this is still the case and it leads to so many other issues, not just suicides. It leads to teens running away, turning to drugs and alcohol to cope and finding comfort from people in the same situations who are in just as much trouble.

    Those of us who do realize what great individuals we are pull out of it and rise above and are much stronger people as a result.
     
  6. rbkwp

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    Can be a lifetime of pondering, i have found
    often when you think you may have cracked it, another difficulty arises
    I pity the persons who have the religious mix thrown in as well, indoctrination is a bugger.
    Can only do our best,no matter what age we are at, if /when you choose to come out can be a blessing sometimes.
    Havent watched the Vid, dial-up makes it sort of impossible.
     
  7. D_Sal_Manilla

    D_Sal_Manilla Account Disabled

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    I'm sorry for your situation. Religion and family don't make things easy.

    I love my parents and they are extremely religious.
    I came out to them in 7th grade and i was able to prove to them that I was still the same person and still believe in God. We don't mention my sexuality anymore but they have come to terms with it and now they are slowly being more supportive. As far as religion, I always thought God put me in this earth, gave me life and everything in it.What better way to praise god than by loving yourself. in the end you are his creating and he doesn't make mistakes.

    and in the words of Dan Brown "Religion is flawed because man is flawed."

    It's not easy being out but staying in the closet is suffocating.
     
  8. Infernal

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    I have a 17 year old niece who is a lesbian, and she's having an amazing time as a teen. Things are far easier for her than they were for me. She has her own issues to deal with, like her mother who keeps saying she's a lesbian because she goes to an invitation only high school for art and it's "trendy". Everyone knows, but no one tries to understand.

    She calls me with the hard questions (like safe sex, relationships) and I give her the best most honest answer I can along with a few scandalous bits about her mother and father to keep things real. I've shown her that when you surround yourself with friends who love you for you, they become your family. She's in a far better place than I was at 17.
     
  9. jameshawket

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    I think it REALLY depends to which degree you follow certain parts of religious doctrine. My parents have totally condemned me for my sexuality and written me off, however I feel no personal shame or guilt in the context of my religion. There are others who really feel like God hates them for their sexual orientation, this, however, WAS me a few years ago and even until some time last year, but it just takes a lot of strength to overcome that and feel like the guy in the video said, that God makes you perfect as you are.
     
  10. concupisys

    concupisys Active Member

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    another aspect of the self-hate issue for the younger generation is that there are so many sub-sects of homosexuality and culture, and it has created a lot of discrimination, bigotry and in-fighting within the gay community.... up until the late 1980's when homosexuality finally started becoming more widely accepted in most western cultures, homosexuals as an entire collective were solid.... no matter the sub-sect, no matter what 'scene' you happened to fall in to, age, race, shape, size, etc... if you were gay and out the community took you in and protected you from the harsh realities of homophobia, hate crimes and discrimination.... now that homosexuality is so much more accepted 20+ years later, there is not as much need for the protection, and gays from parts of the world that condemn homosexuality can easily find a safe place where they can just live and be themselves....

    but can they?

    the self-hate problem that gays go through now is because a homosexual will go through the agonizing process of coming out and accepting themself as JUST homosexual, but then they have to go through a similar process of discovering what TYPE of homosexual they are.... it varies in style(trendy/sporty/denim/leather/preppy/nerdy/etc...), body types(twink/otter/bear/cub/chub/daddy/etc...), ethnicities(well, i won't get in to that....), sexual tastes and roles (top/bttm/vers/vers top/vers bttm/BDSM/piggyFROT&oral only/etc...) and well: you get the drift.... once they get all these things figured out, they have to immerse them self in to the big gay melting pot, and are faced with hordes of people who are not interested in them and are not very nice about it....

    where's the love?

    it shouldn't just be saved for rallies and big parades every summer or when some big gay 'whatever' bill is about to go through the government; it needs to be there ALL THE TIME.... who are we to presume that just because a person is out as a homosexual, that they have found their place of belonging as one? for some it's easy, but for others it's a very painstaking process of trial and error.... and in some cases, gays will submit to things they don't want, go back in the closet, or that worst case scenario that is absolutely heartbreaking....

    it's not just straight people and the homophobic haters that cause gays to hate themselves.... it's the twink-ophobes, the FROT-ophobes and age-ophobes, race-ophobes, bear-ophobes, daddy-phobes.... it just keeps going....

    i have come so close to the point of no return so many times, and the funny thing is that it wasn't straight people who brought me to that point... i'm lucky to live somewhere that homosexuality is as normal as breathing.... it was other homosexuals hating on me and judging me for who i was that made me hate myself so much.... here i thought that when i came out, everything was going to 'get better' and it got worse.... it still stings me on a daily basis, and there is nothing i can do about it....

    so my advice:

    no matter if you are gay, straight, bi or trans, no matter your race, your style, your type or your tastes: show some RESPECT.... don't ever presume that just because someone is out in the open that there isn't something hurting them still deep inside.... show your support and solidarity to ALL HOMOSEXUALS, ALL THE TIME.... we should do this in honour of those who gave and lost their lives so we could live out in the open.... folks like kieth haring, divine, and freddie mercury would be rolling in their graves if they knew what was happening here right now, and before anyone expects the whole of society to accept homosexuality in ALL its forms, we need to start accepting each other first....

    and that is my 2 cents....
     
  11. kayman

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    Bravo! :arms:

    I have to agree wholehearted 100%. I find the self-deprecating and internal hatred so destructive. The issues of today where we are has been truly magnified by the internet, which allows anonymity to spread discriminatory and demeaning language and behaviors. Let's not even get started on LGBT youths of color that feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Although we live in a more urbanized world, youths of today are so much more socially isolated although they have numerous outlets of communication and interaction.
     
  12. B_bxmuscle

    B_bxmuscle New Member

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    There is indeed LGBT communities in many places, but no "Community" as such. This is important to understand: not everyone who is same-sex oriented WANTS to be part of what is a (more or less) official "gay" world.

    A second approach to combating homophobia and the self-hatred it generates might include more systematic critiques of sexual repressions and controls, and challenges to "normality" in more systematic ways (including gay marriage in my view). Foucault noted how simply labeling sexual desire in specific ways is a key tool of control and repression. Challenging these notions is the real first step toward removing them.

    I can tell you from experience that sexuality no more fixed and absolute than is so-called "race". I've been to countries where most men routinely have sex with other men (and boy was it fun!) and where I am emphatically NOT considered "black" even though that exactly how I'm categorized here in the US. So while I have not sexual desire that is not a same-sex desire these days, I'll pass on "gay". LGBT communities are fine for those who want them, but the fight against homophobia is a different issue.

    BTW, how ironic that those most eloquent in defining and defending said community are the ones with their faces hidden on this site. LOL
     
  13. concupisys

    concupisys Active Member

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    i so get you on the race thing BX.... half my heritage is south african, and in SA i would actually be labeled as 'coloured'.... how messed up is that???
     
  14. B_bxmuscle

    B_bxmuscle New Member

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    Right. I'd argue that the same process extends to other "identities". If somebody decides to be "gay" and integrate into an environment where that is a self-defined reality, cool. I guess I used to be one of them. Now I'm just a dude who likes dudes, and that's that. I don't think campaigning against LGBT communities in this culture can be separated from homophobia any more than rejecting being "black" can be anything other than racial self-hate for someone like me. But that doesn't mean I have to take these concepts too seriously.
     
  15. CUBE

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    Great post brother.
     
  16. concupisys

    concupisys Active Member

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    when i first saw this thread, this song came to my mind as a very valid point of comparison.... it seems that (based on how this conversation has progressed) my brain wasn't wrong in making the association....

    Stanley Clarke - Black On Black Crime - YouTube
     
  17. kayman

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    So critiquing and point out the obvious is somehow defining and defending a said 'community'? Interesting conclusion to draw... *blank stare*

    Oh yeah, sardonicside comments, not a good look. If you want to see my face pix then why don't you ask me. Don't be passive aggressive, I know I have nothing to hide considering multiple social network sites are listed on my account, so it wouldn't be hard to see my face if you looked...

    Oh yeah...LMBAO
     
    #17 kayman, Jan 18, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2012
  18. NCbear

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    Back (somewhat) on topic . . . .


    I didn't have nearly as much of an issue with self-hate for being gay as I did with two other issues related to my sexuality:
    1. I knew--absolutely KNEW--that I'd be ostracized and bullied if I came out in high school; and
    2. I knew--absolutely KNEW--that I probably wasn't going to live past the age of 40 (since I was 12 and reading about "Gay-Related Immune Deficiency" in Newsweek, I was sure that there was no hope and no escape).
    So staying in the closet in high school was all about self-protection and not being a target, and my view of being gay was like my view of meteorites--they tended to flame out after a rather short life, as I once thought most gays did.

    In fact, my first thought as a Southerner after reading about GRID was "What if the mosquitoes carry it??" (I stayed up many nights after that because I was too scared to go to sleep. Yes, I vividly remember this, at the age of 12. I thought we were all going to die that next summer, the summer of 1982, from this new mosquito-borne disease against which the immune system had no defenses. It was truly frightening.)

    Sadder still is my memory that there were NO models for growing into a gay community--other than Stonewall and "bar/club culture"--and NO models AT ALL for growing old together in a society that respected your relationship and your civil rights. (I'm still having a problem wrapping my mind around that last bit.)

    Of course, my sense of logic helped. Whenever people said "it isn't natural," I thought, "But wait: All through human history, there have been gay people and gay sex acts, even if the only trace at that point in history was religious leaders inveighing against gay sex acts. Therefore, a certain proportion of gay people in the population must actually be inevitable." And that helped a great deal.

    But not having access to knowledge of current gay communities, and not being shown other images of gays beyond bar/club types and those truly outre types the media tends to focus on at Pride events, and not having any knowledge of gay couples who'd grown old together--well, all of that made me feel truly different and therefore alone, even more so (during my early adolescence) than growing up labeled "gifted and talented" in a community where that was as odd as being "slow" or "challenged."

    Later, in college, finding out that brave advocates were pushing the government to devote more research to anti-AIDS measures, and finding out that they were discovering better and better treatments for AIDS victims, reassured me that there were enough people out there who didn't think of gays as disposable dregs of society. And my friends stuck with me, seeing past my really prickly and immature exterior to what I keep developing as the valuable person within.

    As I grew up, then, my focus shifted from "what people will think of me and how they'll treat me" to "I really need to grow the hell up and improve myself so I can like myself." Frankly, I came to be worried far more about developing my personality and character and about determining my future than about hating myself for being gay or swallowing the gay-haters' poisonous lies uncritically.

    NCbear (who has, all my life, had other, more significant issues than being gay :rolleyes:)
     
    #18 NCbear, Jan 19, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2012
  19. Charles Finn

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    for me I knew i always likes boys better than girls i always stayed true to myself even when that almost got me killed more than once but it really does get better out loud and proud i turn 45 this year it takes time but it really does get better
     
  20. Charles Finn

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    hate serves no real purpose love yourself love others help yourself first then help others live love laugh often
     
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