Gay/straight friendship

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by someoneuk, Oct 22, 2010.

  1. someoneuk

    someoneuk New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2010
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi guys, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this - maybe just need to organise my thoughts by writing this down...

    I'm gay, out of the closet and have been since high school. Had my last girlfriend at 16 but have never fucked a girl. I've had boyfriends and a long term partner although that relationship has now ended and I've been wondering whether men are supposed to have relationships together in the same way that men and women do. I don't know why but I almost feel ashamed of my sexuality these days (I'm 29), which is weird as I used to be more in your face about it.

    Anyway, that's the background! About 8 years ago a female friend of mine met a guy and they're now married. Very quickly he and I became close friends too and we can talk about anything together. I know he talks to me more about sensitive stuff that's gone on his life than with other male friends. In the past I've wondered at times whether I was in love with him as along with our strong bond of friendship I find him physically attractive and have often fantasised over him but without ever expecting anything to happen. Maybe that was partly down to him constantly bragging about his huge cock!

    Quite a few years ago we were watching some porn together and we had a bit of a tug, but it was all very shy (we hid behind cushions!) and it was just a brief thing, neither of us came. After that incident I really began to wonder what type of feelings I had for him, but that passed and our friendship continued to grow stronger.

    A couple of years ago he and his wife were visiting me and my ex-partner. My ex was in bed and the three of us had had a drink and ended up playing silly games like me and him hanging things from our dicks and her 'using' an empty beer bottle!

    That went straight in the wank bank obviously and the fantasies continued. The past 6 months I've been reading about male friendships and have wondered how close it's possible to become. I'm an affectionate person but also self-conscious so touching male friends casually is not something I do naturally, although I often want to give a hug. I decided to start laying a hand on my friend's shoulder or patting his leg (not in a creepy way!) to see how he reacted and it's been positive. He has become more affectionate and started to give me hugs now and then, although he used to do this more before I met my ex. Recently, he called me into another room while there were other friends at the house and pulled me into a tight hug. It came from nowhere and was one of the longest hugs I've ever had. While he held me, he had his head resting on my neck and he was rubbing my back slowly. It took me totally by surprise (he'd had a few beers btw) but it was honestly the best hug I've ever had.

    I have to jump back a month or two now and explain what happened one night while his wife was away. He said he'd been feeling a bit fed up but for no real reason as well as demotivated. I went round and we had a drink. He and his wife are usually joined at the hip so it was nice to have some time just the two of us. Anyway we ended up drunk and on a cam site. One thing lead to another and we stripped off and had a wank together, along with comparing cocks and entertaining the audience by having a cock fight - that kind of thing! Although we were both too drunk to cum. At the time it didn't seem like such a big deal but afterwards I couldn't stop thinking about it - it was exactly the type of thing I'd fantasised about, never expecting it would happen. So anyway, this came before the increase in affection between us and that hug. We didn't really talk about it afterwards, except that he said he couldn't sleep for a couple of days after it had happened.

    Coming back to the very recent past, he was in touch again saying that he felt demotivated and did I want to go have a beer with him. I couldn't that day, but went the next expecting a quiet night. This time his wife was there, then went to bed and again we ended up on cam with an audience and pretty much the same thing happened except that this time I sucked his dick briefly a couple of times and he came in front of me before going to bed just before I finished up. Sounds quick, but the whole thing lasted several hours, as did the first time on cam.

    A night or two later in the early hours I was lying in bed thinking about him and wondering how he might be feeling - whether he would blame me for taking things too far, or if he was feeling guilty and whether this would change our friendship. At that moment my phone bleeped and it was him sending a 'good night' message.

    I've seen him and his wife since and things seem to be the same as ever. I feel so lucky to have a friendship like this, but again have been wondering what it means, if anything? I love him dearly but don't feel any jealousy or bad feeling towards his wife. Some of you might think I'm a total arsehole for ending up in this situation when I'm close friends with the two of them and you'd be right. But it feels totally natural. Admittedly I was hoping for an increase in physical affection between us, but wasn't expecting this right up until it was happening.

    As I said at the beginning, I don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this, but maybe some of you will have some wisdom or comments to share?
     
  2. pursine

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    284
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Newtown (GB)
    Verified:
    Photo
    You self identify as gay (maybe) he self identifies as straight (maybe). This thing is these are just categories and (of course) there is a blurring of boundaries since we humans are not that disciplined in real life. The problem is that we live in a society where the blurring of those categories constitute a serious misdemeanor; for example, grounds for divorce? So people tend to police themselves and their sexuality most of the time, which is a shame for free love but there you go. I will take a bet that you already know deep down whether this person will jump into your arms or not. Go with that instinct and manage your expectations accordingly. Btw, you're 29, I'm not surprised you are confused. It is a very confusing age! Be happy with who you are, and you will fine that, sure enough, you will meet your real dream lover.
     
  3. 8060

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2008
    Messages:
    1,363
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1,026
    Location:
    The Midwest
    Verified:
    Photo
    I don't think you're an asshole. I just think that the world blessed you with a great male friend. So many of us with a sexuality that is on the fence never get that. Consider yourself lucky. I would only advise that you do not do anything to damage your friend's marriage. Be a friend to him, be considerate of his relationship and continue to enjoy his company in the most positive way.

    Relationships have changed so much over the past few years. It used to be a husband and a wife. Now, there are open relationships. Married bisexual men, friends with benefits. The list is endless. Hmmm, we all find someone attractive that is unavailable sometimes. It's just a kink that comes along with life.

    As far as your feelings about your sexuality, I can understand that too. That's a road that you'll have to muster your strength and wade through as easily as you can. It was nice to read your post though. It felt very real and heartfelt. In closing, love your friend, be respectful of wife and everything should work out okay.

    Peace.
     
  4. TexasTail4U2Use

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2008
    Messages:
    1,185
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    TEXAS, Old Rip
    Verified:
    Photo
    Sounds like the wife knows about your activities together and most likely approves. Maybe she knew he was bi and thought after marrying him, she could put her best friend and husband together for his other needs. Maybe it is a trust thing with her. She trusts you enough to 'give' you her husband at times.
    Continue with the current relationship with him and let him push it further if that is what he wants.
     
  5. someoneuk

    someoneuk New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2010
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks for the response guys. Great to get your thoughts
     
  6. oacliffbuddy

    oacliffbuddy New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2007
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dallas, Oak Cliff, TX
    Could it be that you're reacting to and enjoying (albeit it confusing) an emotional connection that is so very rare amongst men? I mean, a bond, a level of comfort, an I love you but not an "in love" with you, relationship? An I enjoy your company and feel safe to experience things I normally would not have......? It's a good feeling and one we'd like to have time an time again.

    I have a married straight friend I've known for nine years. We started off co-workers from different countries with him coming to town several times in the year and a half we worked together. Later he would still pass through town several times a year which enabled us to maintain contact though I must admit sometimes I wondered why given he had so many other friends. He was curious about the gay community so I was a source of insight. A coworker and I took him to a gay bar one time which he found interesting but that was about it.

    Move forward some 3-4 years of bi-annual weekend visits. We're still very much friends. He took me by surprise one weekend telling me in a somewhat halting conversation that he was an only child (I knew that) and that he didn't have any exposure to it but wanted to experience what gay sex was like and asking if I would be willing. You could have blown me away. I was both flattered he trusted me enough and felt confident in our relationship to ask and yet reluctant because of the usual "will you still like me in the morning" worries. I needn't to have worried. We did the deed, it was fun and enjoyable. Of course, typical straight guy, he said it would "never happen again" to which (disappointedly) I responded "never is a long time and don't be so quick to close the door on something that was fun and harmless". I figured chances were that once that box was opened......but ya never know.

    Flash forward several more years. He was laying on the couch one night and surprised me by opening the door asking about porn. I reminded him rather pointedly of his "never again" statement but alas it was to no avail....one thing lead to another and we repeated the fun. It's been a couple of years since then and I still hope for a repeat but I figure it has to come from him given he's the one dealing his own tug-a-war. Interesting to note, we've never slept together, though in my somewhat empty life I would love to sleep next to and wake up with a guy once in awhile. Anyway, he's not gay, just mildly curious, one of those shades of gray guys out there.

    I enjoy his company when he comes through town. We talk nearly every day online about many things; work, marriage, home life, raising kids, gay things, straight things, etc. It's great to have a "straight" friend that you don't have to worry about hiding aspects of your life with. The reality is however, he has a partner, a life outside of our limited interactions. That's not a bad thing, it just is. I respect him and love him as a friend and would never consider pushing the limits of it. I enjoy our time together whether it be far or near and that's it. I know my boundaries.

    In your case, a mild suggestion....I wouldn't push. I'd let the relationship ebb and flow and enjoy it. Good friends are good friends and good friends are hard to come by. He's got a partner and you're not it. As I said, it not a bad thing, but it is what it is.
     
    #6 oacliffbuddy, Oct 22, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2010
  7. buzzrider7

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2009
    Messages:
    721
    Albums:
    5
    Likes Received:
    1,453
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Francisco (CA, US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    This sounds like a delicate situation. You're both acting on some very strong impulses. It seems clear to me that you are in love with him in a romantic kind of way (yes, this may also include some brotherly friendship love, but it seems like it is more than just that for you). He seems to be curious about experimenting with men, and feels comfortable enough to do so with you. He may even have romantic feelings for you as well. It seems all too likely that going on the current course without acknowledging or discussing what is going on may lead to disaster, possibly for your friendship, for his marriage or for the trust she has in both of you.
    My advice is to open up to him about how you're feeling. Or, at least tell him that you're wanting to know what he thinks of these drunken adventures you've been having, and whether it needs to be a concern vis-a-vis his wife/marriage. Ask him what his intentions are, if he's just fooling around or if there's more to it than that for him. If you already have a history of good communication between you, this hopefully won't be hard. If you've never talked on this level, it might be more challenging, and a beer or two might make it easier.
    The stakes here are too high for everyone to just keep going forward with this, taking it to the next level. It seems very possible that after a few more drunken rounds of adventuring, you're going to end up in bed together doing much more than just having a tug. Doing that without really knowing what is going on could end up making things very difficult for everyone.
    Talk to him. Good luck, mate.
     
  8. Big Del

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2006
    Messages:
    5,053
    Likes Received:
    43
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London UK
    Interesting situation - maybe you should ask him one day what he wants or understands about your friendship - he sounds very close to being bi or maybe is coming to terms with being gay or unhappy in his relationship
     
  9. someoneuk

    someoneuk New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2010
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Another thank you to everybody who has offered their thoughts. It's great to get other people's perspective on a situation.
     
  10. DavidXL

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    764
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    230
    Gender:
    Male
    Verified:
    Photo
    Coming from the married, but not fully straight perspective, it sounds like the guy genuinely cares for you and is a good guy, and you are lucky to have a friend like him. But, you also need to protect yourself. He's probably not going to leave his wife for you (and you wouldn't want to be the person someone left someone for, especially when she's a good friend of yours, too). You are potentially setting yourself up to get hurt.
     
  11. someoneuk

    someoneuk New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2010
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    As one of you said, I think part of what's bothering me is that I don't quite know how to label the feelings I have for my friend. Which is stupid because there's no reason to label feelings in the first place! It's definitely a friendship love, but with a romantic aspect. However, I don't want to damage his marriage or hurt his wife and I don't expect him to ever see me as anything more than a close friend.

    As for what happens next, I'm undecided. I don't really want to bring this subject up with him, not yet at least. So I guess I'll continue to enjoy the friendship and if things develop further, then maybe we should talk about it. The more sexual side to our friendship has only raised its head a couple of times really and with two or three months inbetween incidents, so the 'normal' friendship has been continuing with displays of affection here and there.

    I'm seeing him later, pretty sure it will be a 'normal' night, but I'll keep you posted. Thanks guys.
     
  12. D_Pat Trick Henry

    D_Pat Trick Henry Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2010
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    You are the luckiest man alive. The end.
     
  13. someoneuk

    someoneuk New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2010
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    So last night wasn't 'normal' in the end... We ended up drunk on cam with our cocks out again, playing up to the audience. There was no sucking this time, but we did kiss for the first time - albeit with no tongues and my friend making 'I find this disgusting' noises! We spent some time together today and the friendship is continuing without any awkwardness.
     
  14. D_Harry_Crax

    D_Harry_Crax Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2006
    Messages:
    4,642
    Likes Received:
    34
  15. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Damn you both for not including the wife! Next time get her drunk too. It is completely unfair to leave her out.

    Get this straightened out between the Three of You asap before somebody gets hurt. If she doesn't want to join in she should at least know what is going on.
     
  16. maxcok

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2009
    Messages:
    7,392
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Elsewhere
    If you're confused and have questions, why the hell don't you just talk to him, especially since you're so close?

    Preferably when you're not drunk and/or naked.
     
  17. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    That's too sensible; he'll never do it...
     
  18. Charles Finn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2006
    Messages:
    2,538
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toledo Ohio
    enjoy your friendship
    I have been out since the 2nd grade
    lol
    I have been blessed by many friendships
    male friendships are rare so enjoy it be yourself and try not to hurt or get hurt.
    i know it is hard but do not think about the sex it will happen
     
  19. athleticguy

    athleticguy New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2009
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Uk
    I'd try and show some restraint. Reading your post, I was reminded of some of my straight mates - ones who know I'm gay - who we have a very bromancey thing going on. I thought initially it was a specific individuals trait, but the older I get the more I see recurring patterns.

    There's a type of straight guy who just fits with a gay guy. My best bud Dave and I watch footie, go drinking in bars, head into London to do some shopping and yet we sometimes have a 'guddle' (thats a guy cuddle) when we're feeling a bit fond of each other.

    My mate Mike even likes a foot massage off me every now and then, and since I have such a big foot fetish, I can't pass that up! I've sucked him off, too, since his girlfriend isn't good at taking his dick. It isn't weird at all, although maybe it should be?

    My point is, don't assume your friend is conflicted or torn. Some guys have comfort zones beyond others. My close guy mates love having a gay mate but at the crux of the matter, I'm not that different to them.

    Just enjoy your time together!
     
  20. rbkwp

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2007
    Messages:
    29,264
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,918
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Auckland (AUK, NZ)
    How interesting
    Can identify with what you have written its very close & similar to a relationship with M/F friends of mine, still lasts today (talking 25 years )
    Met them both as Trainee Psych nurses, i travelled with her for many months they eventually married (loose and carefree individuals) 4 kids total.
    Broke up, i moved in with her for several years (just happened to be convenient for us both at the time ), Helped bring up the kids, & maintained a VERY close friend/relationship with them both.
    No sex with her she accepted my style of Gay, a fair amount of sex with him
    Both were aware of our relationships, with each other.

    Perhaps you will always have these two folk in your life also, i do hope the lady is not offended at all with your relationship with her man.
    With parts of what you have said its possible she wont be?
    You have started at an age later than i did..
    Best of Luck for the future.
    enz

    As I said at the beginning, I don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this,

    only posting this reply myself, in the off chance you may re-appear and realize these types of relationships can and do happen.
    then again its been a couple of months, so who knows whats happened?
    or if we will hear re the whole scenario, again.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted