Hi guys, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this - maybe just need to organise my thoughts by writing this down... I'm gay, out of the closet and have been since high school. Had my last girlfriend at 16 but have never fucked a girl. I've had boyfriends and a long term partner although that relationship has now ended and I've been wondering whether men are supposed to have relationships together in the same way that men and women do. I don't know why but I almost feel ashamed of my sexuality these days (I'm 29), which is weird as I used to be more in your face about it. Anyway, that's the background! About 8 years ago a female friend of mine met a guy and they're now married. Very quickly he and I became close friends too and we can talk about anything together. I know he talks to me more about sensitive stuff that's gone on his life than with other male friends. In the past I've wondered at times whether I was in love with him as along with our strong bond of friendship I find him physically attractive and have often fantasised over him but without ever expecting anything to happen. Maybe that was partly down to him constantly bragging about his huge cock! Quite a few years ago we were watching some porn together and we had a bit of a tug, but it was all very shy (we hid behind cushions!) and it was just a brief thing, neither of us came. After that incident I really began to wonder what type of feelings I had for him, but that passed and our friendship continued to grow stronger. A couple of years ago he and his wife were visiting me and my ex-partner. My ex was in bed and the three of us had had a drink and ended up playing silly games like me and him hanging things from our dicks and her 'using' an empty beer bottle! That went straight in the wank bank obviously and the fantasies continued. The past 6 months I've been reading about male friendships and have wondered how close it's possible to become. I'm an affectionate person but also self-conscious so touching male friends casually is not something I do naturally, although I often want to give a hug. I decided to start laying a hand on my friend's shoulder or patting his leg (not in a creepy way!) to see how he reacted and it's been positive. He has become more affectionate and started to give me hugs now and then, although he used to do this more before I met my ex. Recently, he called me into another room while there were other friends at the house and pulled me into a tight hug. It came from nowhere and was one of the longest hugs I've ever had. While he held me, he had his head resting on my neck and he was rubbing my back slowly. It took me totally by surprise (he'd had a few beers btw) but it was honestly the best hug I've ever had. I have to jump back a month or two now and explain what happened one night while his wife was away. He said he'd been feeling a bit fed up but for no real reason as well as demotivated. I went round and we had a drink. He and his wife are usually joined at the hip so it was nice to have some time just the two of us. Anyway we ended up drunk and on a cam site. One thing lead to another and we stripped off and had a wank together, along with comparing cocks and entertaining the audience by having a cock fight - that kind of thing! Although we were both too drunk to cum. At the time it didn't seem like such a big deal but afterwards I couldn't stop thinking about it - it was exactly the type of thing I'd fantasised about, never expecting it would happen. So anyway, this came before the increase in affection between us and that hug. We didn't really talk about it afterwards, except that he said he couldn't sleep for a couple of days after it had happened. Coming back to the very recent past, he was in touch again saying that he felt demotivated and did I want to go have a beer with him. I couldn't that day, but went the next expecting a quiet night. This time his wife was there, then went to bed and again we ended up on cam with an audience and pretty much the same thing happened except that this time I sucked his dick briefly a couple of times and he came in front of me before going to bed just before I finished up. Sounds quick, but the whole thing lasted several hours, as did the first time on cam. A night or two later in the early hours I was lying in bed thinking about him and wondering how he might be feeling - whether he would blame me for taking things too far, or if he was feeling guilty and whether this would change our friendship. At that moment my phone bleeped and it was him sending a 'good night' message. I've seen him and his wife since and things seem to be the same as ever. I feel so lucky to have a friendship like this, but again have been wondering what it means, if anything? I love him dearly but don't feel any jealousy or bad feeling towards his wife. Some of you might think I'm a total arsehole for ending up in this situation when I'm close friends with the two of them and you'd be right. But it feels totally natural. Admittedly I was hoping for an increase in physical affection between us, but wasn't expecting this right up until it was happening. As I said at the beginning, I don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this, but maybe some of you will have some wisdom or comments to share?