Gay? straight?

[Jason]

This is really difficult.

At a guess this guy isn't confident in his own sexuality. He wants to be 100% straight, as that is what society pushes us all to be, though it sounds as if this is not actually his orientation. Or maybe he just doesn't really know. To conform with society expectations he needs a girlfriend, and might even get round to marrying her.

I think the move has to come from him. What you could do is give him the chance to make this move. Watching a (straight) porno dvd together might help - though whether you will go into a male-bonding wank session is far from sure - probably you won't. It would at least give you a proper opening to talk about sex.

If you have had straight sex try to have an explicit conversation about it with him. Maybe work in some comments about how much hard work girls are. Maybe he will open up. Is he fucking his girlfriend? If she is not giving him much (or any) sex, then maybe he will confide. Maybe he won't.

I think you need to talk with the guy. Push the envelope - talk more and more explicitly about sex, wanking, horniness. See how he responds.

My good friend married his girl. They seem to rub along. I've seriously wondered if they have ever had sex. Relationships are weird.

 

[B_RedDude]

Stormy, if you're going to follow this advice, you'll need to get a SAG card, or at least join Actors' Equity!

Examples?

-Well, for one thing, tit for tat: have any gay porn pics or magazines? Leave one lying around in plain sight "accidentally." Or, let him VERY briefly catch you looking at some on your computer with your hand down your pants. Immediately turn the screen off or close the porn, yank your hand out of your pants, and--here's where you bust out the acting skills--pretend to be very nervous, surprised, and embarrassed, and pretend on top of that that you're trying to look like you're NOT. If he asks what you were doing, say nothing. If he presses, say you were browsing porn and thinking about jacking off when some gay popup appeared. Shrug it off and don't explain it any further. Fifteen or twenty minutes later, shake your head and mutter, "Jesus..." When he asks what's wrong, say that the popup showed the biggest dick you've ever seen in your life and your mind's all fucked up. Laugh while you're saying it, so it seems casual. Describe it in just a few words, say something about how thick and swollen and angry it looked, then shrug it off and quickly change the subject.

 

[goldeneye]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hey, look, I have real acting experience but I know a WHOLE lot of very manipulative non-actors who put on much bigger shows than this when they wanna steer a situation to their benefit. Besides, that was just one of a handful of ideas. If he doesn't think he can pull it off, he doesn't have to try it.

 

[StormyB]

Oh. An alternative, if you're too shy for the naked-and-damp thing--jack off a little while you're drying off...get yourself about halfway to orgasm, then stop and wait till you have a half-boner, wrap the towel around yourself, and walk out visibly swollen and throbbing under the towel. Aces.

Yeah, i'm a bit of a shy person myself. Well not really shy just takes me a looooonnnnggg time to fully open up to people. I've had a long history of drama filled friends in my past so I guess that's why I am so cautious. But I really like him and I have even walked out in my tight briefs that are just as revealing as a tightly wrapped tile. That's what really made me think, cause after that he kept glancing at my junk but I just pretended not to see it. Also once I was a actor in one of his movies were he fights me for a diamond. The fight scene he came up with seemed like porn, we fell to the floor together, and he kicks his leg up and gets on top of me, then I somehow roll and get back ontop of him I was sooooooooo nervous about doing that scene, cause I didn't want to get a hard-on haha because I really like him..

 

[StormyB]

Never had a crush on anyone I've roomed with, but i know how it can be not being out......... It makes a tough life sometimes.

BTW StormyB can I ask how old you are? Private message me sometime I wouldn't mind chatting about being out.

I'm 19, and yes it is very very hard to be hidden. I'm the middle of two other sibblings, and both of my brothers know and are supportive of me, but my family is a very religious family and although I know they would still love me, I just don't want them to look at me any different as they are really proud of me right now Also my oldest bro. is completly out and I am holding my time to see if they treat him any different than they have. I don't know, I just feel that I should wait to come out when I am fully independent because right now my mom is helping me through college ya know? And that's what makes me nervous about telling him that I am gay, cause my fam. visits us often.

 

[StormyB]

ok here's the deal - this guy is either curious to find out if you are gay or he's trying to drop a hint that he's at least bi-curious...

either way, since you live with the guy, that complicates things...

I will say that in my experience, hints & clues do not work...the direct approach is best...speculation sucks!

I can also say that if he IS gay & has this gf in order to hide it, you may as well forget about him find someone more suitable for you.

Have you considered it possible that he's with her because he really WANTS to be?

Yes many of times. When I first met her I was really supportive of the two of them, like you would never have noticed that it was really killing me. But she realized (i guess) just as I did that he does not want her. He only has her because she is female, he loves my personallity and looks better. He laughs with me till like 3 am even on his work days. I have only seen them kiss once, and get this it was a day me and him had an aurgument. After we talked alittle he was soo mean to her, almost as if he wanted me to be pleased with it. He didn't answer the door and she just knocked for like 5mins till she left. I was going to answer it, but I thought (nope stupid move). Also he stalks me, like he somehow knew my entire schedule last semester EVEN MY WORK SCHEDULE O_O. He also goes through my room when I am gone, he thinks I don't know but one day I found a deja vu water bottle in my room when I got in from work, and I know that's his favorite water I only drink auqifina so... but yeah that's what I am trying to figure out atm if he trully is straight or gay, if he is straight it will hurt me alittle but I will get over him...but it might make our friendship abit awquard

 

[StormyB]

ok, not being TOTALLY out for yourself isn't GOOD.. you should, first understand about YOUR own sexuality, and them bother with others. OK, IMHO you should just talk things over with him. JUST explain that YOU'RE gay [or think you are!] and tell your secret, cause it seams he's trying to understand that from yourself too...

BE true to yourself, THAT'S my aadvice to you!

O I understand my sexuality completly, I am gay 100% the 1% that I have here is because I am not complelty out due to my family. They are very religious, my uncle is a preacher, my mom is the church secretary, my grams and grandpa are both decons and my aunts all do something for the church. It's really scary cause I love my fam. soooo sooooo much and although I know they will accept me cause my oldest brother is out and they accept him, i'm just scarred they will not be the same with me as they have always been. See in my fam. I am like the smart one, the one thats going to make lots of money createing something new and soar through life. I've always been looked at as an "over acheiver" and with that title comes jealousy. Alot of my family are jealous of me and will jump at the opprotunity to bring me down. so I have this shield up and it's really strong, but if I am at a despreate state it is weak and I just can't afford that ya know? I have always thought of coming out when I am completly independent, but I am looseing my best years and my years to experiment ya know? I don't know I feel so....blah. I have had a GF in highschool, but it was all for show, I never liked her and I was sooooooooo happy when college came cause I had an excuss to dump her and an excuss to be single. I say it's cause I want to dedicate all my time on my work. I've also kissed a guy in highschool once, funny never would have expected him to be gay, but it just happened randomly but he moved our senior year T_T

 

[StormyB]

Hey Stomry

I would have a few beers with him at your house, just talk casually about relationships and general stuff, get the conversation around to films, then porn, and say have you got anything you want to watch, I find a bit of bi stuff gets me horny, you get the best of both world, see a cute girl getting fucked, by a fit guy or two with a big dick
That would be acceptable to most people, whilst watching say something like, fucking hell, this is really turning me on, I'm could do with jacking off, (who knows that may be the start of a beautiful friendship.)
Obviously judge his reaction at each stage, I reckon most guys would go for bi porn without fearing they have to admit to being aroused by the guys.
You might find, a hand comes across when he gets steamed up and starts feel your dick, then you've got the green light..
Make sure the doors lock and his gf is not gonna come around.

Let us know if it works..

Funny you should mention that, because he is always saying something about porn around me. I would love to try this, problem is i'm kinda shy myself. I am the type of person that usually just wants the moves made on me, but I guess since I really like him I will have to change my strategey abit hmm.

 

[StormyB]

Dude,
Plenty of men have gfs and even get married and produce kids while knowing damned well that they prefer sex with men and getting cock and ass on the side. That said, you need to just come out in a very natural way. Talk about some other guy you find hot or going to a Gay club.... that's a lot less stressful than "letting" him catch you jacking off to Gay porn. If the roomie can't handle it, he'll let you know, and you can move on to a situation where you'll be Out from the start.

Best,
Darren

I know right, I had a gf in highschool and you wouldn't have ever expected me to be gay. But I did not like her, I feel bad but it's just the truth. And once we had to fill out this packet for our school and it required everything from age to nationallity. He saw that I was french creo. and one day he was like "Creos are so fucking hot" the next day out of the blue, that really got me thinking. Also he was just in the living room sitting on the couch listening to me talk on the phone with my friend and she was like should I get a tan? and I said yeah you look better with a tan so the next day i'm at school I get a pic. text from him and it's him at his house in the pool and i'm like ok. Then when I get home he's all read and I was lke wth happened to you he was like (I got a tan) D: but that kinda made me sad cause I really love his pale skin much better, it's so smooth and perfect and it really defines his abs. yeah I think I love this guy -.-

 

[jpza]

Hey dude - tough call but if I were you I would make it all about jackoff or even sex if it gets that far - but don't go the fallin in love route. I think that would be too heavy. I like a lot of the suggestions so far but my thinking is that the porn (str or bi only) would do th trick... plus a few beers never done any harm.

light, harmless fun and then leave it up to him .... loving n kissing is a sure killer at this stage

just my opinion - no expert - whatever happens enjoy yourself and try not to get hurt.

Later (and we all waiting for the report backs hehe)

 

[Eboomo]

Wow stormy you seem to be getting alot of advice and taking time to respond to all of it. I'm glad to see this discussed.

 

[B_8strong8long]

Hey Stormy,

It seems to me that your friend is feeling you out, the same way that you are feeling him out... he sounds bi-curious to me, I don't think it's a bait and switch game... he sounds like he's dropping hints for you to come out to him because he wants to come out to you.

I have an LPSG inspired idea for a safe route forward...

Why don't you find some on-line porn (str8-ish porn of course), something where the guy has an enormous dick and he's plowing some tiny little hot chick, and then ask your friend to check it out, focus on how amazed you were to see a dick that big. Even Str8 guys are mostly all blown away by seeing an enormous dick... this kind of conversation can go anywhere and even if it goes no where, your secret is still safe.

This can be an easy on-ramp into you guys watching more porn together, jerking-off together, comparing cocks, or just talking about sexual topics... and it doesn't take any acting skill (just be sure that the guy in the porn video is really huge, and your friend, even if he's totally str8 will never question why you showed it to him because big dicks are just an interesting topic for guys).

Finding a video on-line is better than starting with a DVD you own, because it will seem like you just stumbled onto the video, instead of having purchased it.

Extra timing thought...

You could be in your briefs, in your room, when you call him to check this video out with you. He could also be coming out of the shower when you shout "you've gotta see this!" You said he's often in his briefs, so that's just as good as him coming out of the shower. In other words, if you can time this so that the two of you are wearing less clothes--but it doesn't seem staged--then you might maximize the opportunity for his self-discovery (no guarantee, but maybe).

 

[donnydon]

Almost sounds to me like he is the one trying to find out for sure if YOU are gay or not.[/quote]



Thought of d same thing..

 

[Jason]

No guys ever have a coversation with their parents where they sit down and announce they are straight. There is no reason why you should feel you have to announce you are gay. Maybe there will be a time to do this. Maybe not. Maybe everyone will be happiest if this is not said, even if people guess. Given the background you describe it could cause upset to put it into words.

How about just spending time with your friend? Sounds as if you both need to get some of your inhibitions put aside. A couple of 19 year old guys should be able to talk in pretty explicit terms about sex, wanking and more sex. Just talk and see what happens.

 

[FuzzyKen]

No matter what you do, this one really is a major gamble. You've got to live with this guy for at least the rest of the semester if your in College or in a dorm situation. If you're not and just sharing rent it can get into a lot of financial situations involving him not coming up with his share of the rent or other problems.

Remember that the "gf" could be the one setting you up to get you "out-of-the-way" especially if she senses you as a threat in any manner. Also if he is trying to deal with orientation issues and she senses it, she will be more venomous than you can begin to imagine and will blame you for "converting" her precious "bf".

I personally at this time would just place a little emotional distance between you and this fellow. He may be a great guy, but lust and practicality as you may find out have not historically had a good relationship with each other.

At this point in time if you want to play this out, place him in the position of outing himself rather than you doing it to yourself. Discuss some friend imaginary or real that is gay and refer to that person in very positive terms. Do not use any sexual terms in reference to this person, only reference to things such as intelligence and respect for the person. Take it very slow and give him time to become comfortable with you over the same issue in that if HE comes out to you, that YOU will not react in a negative manner. Don't overdo it, just be subtle and take your time.

Remember that "cat and mouse" only works well if you are the cat rather than the mouse. Be in the position of control if and when anything happens and then the only bruises to an ego can be his if he makes the error, If he is at a stage of exploring and really has sexual feelings for you he will in time (his own schedule not yours) come out at least partially to you.

If he feels comfortable totally, you may become the confidant and learn the whole thing giving you all the options. Doing this will take great patience and self control but, patience in a situation like this pays.

There is also one other thing. If you are looking at this as simply a sexual conquest then I wouldn't waste the time. If you think of this as "relationship material" then the old saying: "Good things are worth waiting for...." definitely applies.

Good Luck, and be careful on this one.

 

[D_Trimbley Trousersprout]

Stormy: I say you should do what 8strong8long, it's a very normal scenario that requires no acting and at least everybody has done something like that once in his life. I mean who's never watched porn with someone else before?

You could also just come out to him and see how he reacts. I mean what could happen? My best friend is straight and he never judged me even when I came out.

 

[Jonathan2/11]

dude I know exactly what ur going though I am not out my self too and I've had some really fusterating times too with one of my friends that I really liked I would have to say just be careful and try not to ruin ur friendship thats the reason I never made a move I vauled our friendship more, just take it slow try looking at some gay porn on ur computer and all cool say would u ever try something like that and try to bring up some gay topics see his view on it, keep me informed man tell me how it goes

 

[StormyB]

Wow stormy you seem to be getting alot of advice and taking time to respond to all of it. I'm glad to see this discussed.

Yeah, Its nice to see what others would do in this situation it's really building my confidents and giving me so many ideas as to how I am going to go about telling him.

 

[StormyB]

Hey Stormy,

It seems to me that your friend is feeling you out, the same way that you are feeling him out... he sounds bi-curious to me, I don't think it's a bait and switch game... he sounds like he's dropping hints for you to come out to him because he wants to come out to you.

I have an LPSG inspired idea for a safe route forward...

Why don't you find some on-line porn (str8-ish porn of course), something where the guy has an enormous dick and he's plowing some tiny little hot chick, and then ask your friend to check it out, focus on how amazed you were to see a dick that big. Even Str8 guys are mostly all blown away by seeing an enormous dick... this kind of conversation can go anywhere and even if it goes no where, your secret is still safe.

This can be an easy on-ramp into you guys watching more porn together, jerking-off together, comparing cocks, or just talking about sexual topics... and it doesn't take any acting skill (just be sure that the guy in the porn video is really huge, and your friend, even if he's totally str8 will never question why you showed it to him because big dicks are just an interesting topic for guys).

Finding a video on-line is better than starting with a DVD you own, because it will seem like you just stumbled onto the video, instead of having purchased it.

Extra timing thought...

You could be in your briefs, in your room, when you call him to check this video out with you. He could also be coming out of the shower when you shout "you've gotta see this!" You said he's often in his briefs, so that's just as good as him coming out of the shower. In other words, if you can time this so that the two of you are wearing less clothes--but it doesn't seem staged--then you might maximize the opportunity for his self-discovery (no guarantee, but maybe).

wow haha thanks for the advice definatly going to try

 

[B_dxjnorto]

You don't have to be boyfriends. Jack off pals seems to be more acceptable all the time. All guys jerk off on their own anyway, so I never saw why it was so gay if friends do it together. Good luck Stormy. I wish I was as confident as you when I was your age.