ThatGal,
I think it takes courage to see yourself as you are and accept yourself as you are, for now. I know many of the factors contributing to your weight gain have been beyond your control. I've had to take steroids a few times in the past (for asthma) and I understand the appetite increase and associated weight gain they induce. Fortunately, I've never had to be on them for more than a week to control a severe flare-up. But I know where you are.
That said, I also used to be a compulsive overeater and dieter. I no longer am, and I can say that from the heart. Part of my getting past it was being ready to get past it, and part of it was getting my hands on the right resource for me, which was
Overcoming Overeating, by Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter. I have been at a steady 160 lbs for about 2 years now, since having read the book and really internalized what it says, being patient with the process of recovering from overeating
once and for all, and having successfully modified many of the thought patterns which contributed to my diet/overeating cycle.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who struggles with weight gain due to overeating.
I know my current weight is above what some might consider the ideal, but part of my recovery was embracing my body and discovering the weight it wanted to be, not trying to force it into a TV/magazine mold.
My current weight is maintainable without my having to fuss about it. I rarely get on the scale anymore, and it was funny when I recently had a Dr.'s checkup and my weight was compared to last year's: it came in at exactly the same number.
I have not needed to diet even
once in the 2 or so years since I changed my way of thinking.
And,
without dieting, I am able to
maintain a body that I believe is beautiful (and evidently others on this site think so to -- thanks for the boost). Oh, and my man likes my body very much as well.
I maintain a
healthy body, exercise, meditate, and trust in my body's natural regulating mechanisms to control its size, really staying tuned in to its cues of hunger and fullness, and eating what my body really wants to eat at any given time.
Several other books/programs preach a similar philosophy, and I had read them, but they did not give me nearly the tools I needed to overcome my problem. I am very lucky I hadn't yet given up on the concept of demand feeding and body acceptance, and that I found a book that spoke to me and made it possible to accept my body and love it.
You can see my gallery pics, which are all of me at 160. I am encouraged that many people think I'm lovely. For years, I believed I needed to weigh 140, and would starve myself down to that weight, only to binge myself right back up again, and higher. At my heaviest ever, I weighed 180 pounds. It was difficult to look at that body and accept myself for who I was, and to trust it to find its natural weight,
if I let it.
But once I began to change my thinking habits, it was like when I first learned to ride a bike. Initially awkward and a bit scary and wobbly, but then I became ready to take the training wheels off and ride!
My life is much fuller now that I am not so consumed with thoughts and feelings about weight and eating.
I hope once your body's natural mechanisms are free of chemicals that alter them, you will either rely on your body (if you already know how to trust it), or seek out this book. Either way, if "being good" or impatiently trying to rush yourself down the scale by dieting has not worked for you in the past, then perhaps it's time to change the way you think.
I love the way your body looks right now -- full, voluptuous, but I also suspect that you sense its unnaturalness...that it is not where it really wants to be and feels cumbersome because of what the steroids and associated overeating have done.
I will also love your body when it is at its true, natural set point.
Know that I'm here for you, and for any other woman on this board that struggles with body-image issues (weight-related or not).
Another really good book for women with body-image issues is
When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, by the same authors. I've read that one too, and it really is true that we can live our lives far more fully and richly if we are not so preoccupied with the way our bodies look.
I began to be more concerned with what my body can
do than with how it looks, and that's why I love walking and yoga. Yoga especially gives me things to aspire to, a gentle process of unfolding and strengthening my body, nurturing my spirit at the same time.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Hope some of it is relevant and can help.
