Getting Married!!!!!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_N Flay Table, Oct 14, 2007.

  1. D_N Flay Table

    D_N Flay Table New Member

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    Here is a hypothetical for y'all.


    Lets say you meet the person of your dreams!
    You are deeply in love and ask the person to get married to you,
    they accept.
    you love their family, and their family loves you.
    Your parents think he/she is the cats meow, the bee's knees.

    They are your soul mate.

    then about a month before the big day, you are surfing around on the internet...
    and you find something like this.. BANG!

    And you see that the love of your life was the star in something like that.

    they never mentioned it to you...

    what do you do?

    do you confront them on it?

    do you just let it go?

    do you split?

    what do you do?
    :confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

    DJGIZZLE
     
  2. TforTrapeze

    TforTrapeze Member

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    Ok, i am not a marraige expert, i am not an anything expert. but here's what i think.

    I would say gently bring it up in an open environment but PREFACE it with something assuring her that what you are about to bring up is something you're not mad at, you just need to know more about it.
    Then bring it up, and ask the questions you need to know. I mean, everyone has mistakes in their life, or things they're not proud of. It's just that this person's mistakes are published ones. Please don't NOT marry her if this is just a shadow from her past. if it's something she's currently doing, discuss hwo you feel with her.
     
  3. Mr Ed in Mass

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    If she doesn't say anything about my DVD, in which I fuck 500 women,I'd call it a draw
     
  4. hung

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    Move On Brother, Move On.

    Remember that baggage can happen to anyone, but if the other party feels the same as you then parting now is the best course of action.

    Also, what do you have to hide. Be ready to share now.
     
  5. biguy2738

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    I'd confront her and then I'd call it off.

    I may have been able to accept her past (if it was her past) if she had mentioned it to me. I would be marrying her for pete's sakes, I'd have a right to know. The fact that she neglected to raise something this big to me would create trust issues between us. I'd be unable to give her pride of place in my life if I had constant questions about just how trustworthy she is, how many other skeletons are out there etc.

    The other reason for my calling it off would come from a place of knowing what my approach to sex is etc. and acknowledging that we are most probably sexually incompatible. Why should either of us lead a marriage that's sexually unfulfilling for either of us?
     
  6. Drifterwood

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    The wedding reception would have been interesting.

    I have some sympathy for her. What is she supposed to say? I think you need to talk and then reflect for some time.
     
  7. AlteredEgo

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    Biguy, I'm not sure how this impacts her trustworthiness. Sounds to me you're mad she had sex that she didn't tell you about. You do not "have a right to know" about anything she'd like to keep secret, as long as she is not presently doing anything which violates the boundaries of your relationship. The past is in the past. The fact that she was willing to have an experience in the past does not imply that she has a different sex drive than the one with whichshe presented you, and it doesn't imply that she'd like to repeat the experience. I'd say if there is someone who'd let such an amazing person get away from them over something she isn't doing anymore, something she clearly hoped to leave behind her forever, then they are not worthy of her, and it is she who is really leaving them far, far behind. And good riddance.
     
  8. SassySpy

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    Gosh DJ I HOPE its hypothetical!! And for my .02 worth, this kind of info is not something one should keep secret when agreeing to marry another. Truth eventually surfaces, and in fact, now the 'groom' knows- ruh-roh.:eek:
     
  9. silvertriumph2

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  10. AlteredEgo

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    Why? If she's got no diseases or children from this experience, why is it any of his business?
     
  11. SassySpy

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    Because, as I stated, the truth comes out, and did, and one MAY and usually DOES, feel betrayed by the one person they felt they could trust unconditionally. Its not to say past sexual experiences must be open discussion, but DJG's example is a bit more than just some sexual history.:rolleyes:
     
  12. AlteredEgo

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    It's not "a bit more than just some sexual history". It is the sex she chose to have, at least once. Also known as her sexual history. And he doesn't need to know about it. He found out? He should get over it. Why can he no longer trust her unconditionally? That's the question you're not answering. I'd say if he feels betrayed, that's more his problem than hers since she did nothing to him.
     
  13. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    Once again, DJG, you really suck at naming threads. Really.

    Now, to answer your question, I'm not really sure at all if I want to get married. If I decided to, I would have to know someone really well and have given it a lot of thought. If I found out there were big secrets that she was keeping from me, anything, I would have to reconsider. If she were the one to tell me, I probably wouldn't care too much, even if those huge gang bang videos are pretty gross.

    Maybe some people don't think each partner in marriage "has a right to know," and maybe by law or custom they don't, whatever... I would make it clear that I would expect to know absolutely anything and everything and that honesty and disclosure was paramount. If they couldn't deal with that then they would be marrying the wrong person. If we're just fucking around I don't give a shit what's in your past. If we're talking about spending our lives together then I'm not keeping secrets and expect the same from you. Like it or leave it.
     
  14. SassySpy

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    Because, in my opinion, trusting unconditionally comes when one is not going to get some big perhaps unpleasant surprise from their spouse. ie, at a restaurant, guy stops by table, "hey, you're that girl we gang-banged that night!"
    I personally would wonder why this was kept secret unless she did not trust ME enough to accept the info and still love and want to marry her.
     
  15. AlteredEgo

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    The girls I know who did porn are tired of the rest of their wonderful selves being rejected because of one aspect of their past. Granted, they each did one scene only, and they each had one "partner" only. But they don't tell anymore. I don't blame them. I wouldn't tell either. It's in the past.

    The only reason it seems like such a "big, perhaps unpleasant surprise" is that women are not allowed to be sexual beings, and they certainly are not allowed to have a lot of sex with many partners. Anyone who does is a slut, and women are certainly not allowed to be sluts.

    It makes me sad enough that there are men who deeply hold these beliefs, and act on them too, sometimes without knowing it. Sadder still though, is that there are female counterparts.
     
  16. dreamer20

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    I would find that to be a shock. Yet this woman is loved by me and I would discuss the issue with her. I'd find out if that is a chapter of her life which she wants to move on from. Or perhaps she wants to continue with filmed multiple partner sex situations on the internet. If that's what she's into I'd respect that and we would part ways. I would want our sex life to be personal and private. I wouldn't want it on camera.
     
  17. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    If I saw a video of a man having sex with 1,000 different female partners having every available orifice filled to overflowing with their vaginal secretions or female ejaculate.... I'd think that was gross, too.

    If I found out a woman I was dating had been in one porn scene with one actor before, I really wouldn't care at all.

    Though again, if we were getting married, I'd expect to learn this from her and not through the internet.
     
  18. SassySpy

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    and I agree with you and the persecution one suffers from things over and done with. My point is if I love, I love unconditionally. If you trust me, you have nothing to fear from me. I would be more hurt, albeit empathetically hurt, that I wasn't trusted. I was not given the chance to show my unconditional love.
    Perhaps in time it would come, and she would tell me on her own, when she felt safe enough to do so.
     
  19. dhsdad

    dhsdad New Member

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    that would not be nice.
     
  20. AlteredEgo

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    Sassy, I do see whre you are coming from, and I do understand your point.

    On the other hand, sometimes it's just not about you. Sometimes it's simply a persons own decision to put behind them what is behind them. There are things that have happened to one which one will never bring up in discussion, because they are not presently relevant for onself.

    I have never told my boyfriend about the time my mother came to school to bring me my gym uniform, and how the other children reacted to me viciously when they found out she was using a wheelchair. I have never told him how my mother walked into the classroom to silence them, for me, when she heard them laying into me after she'd rolled out into the hallway. I never mentioned to her, or to my boyfriend that I wished she'd never have done that, how I felt embarassed, how I would have preferred to simply take the abuse like I usually did back then. I'll probably never tell him about it, because I'm not that person anymore, I try not to think about certain parts of my past, it bears little (if any) relevance either to the present or to him, and generally, I don't feel like talking about some things. Do I trust that if I went into details about my state of mind during certain things that happened back then he'd be understanding? I do. Still, I'm not going to say anything. As it is, I had to dig deep to come up with something I had gotten over, put behind me, and don't want to talk about.

    He has a lot of information about my sexual history that I'd have kept to myself if I'd intended to be his girlfriend. I have a lot of experience. Lots. And that experience has taught me enough about the male ego to know how much information is too much for whom. In the context of relationships, I have had to bust my ass to "prove myself" to men who have known too much about my sexual history, my work in phone sex, and my voracious sexual appetite. It is naive to pretend that the prejudices don't exist in even the most wonderful and spiritually beautiful of people. The knee-jerk reactions are out there. People who know I am a phone sex operator treat me like a novelty, and talk to me like a whore. I frequently have to humiliate these people publicly. I have found this to be the best way to correct them through trial and error. Anyway, for this reason, my boyfriend knows that I am a phone sex operator, but he doesn't know what my calls are like. He's never heard one, and never will, particularly since I specialize in niches which would inflame his specific insecurities.

    Do I keep secrets from people? Big ones? Dark ones? Yes I do. And so do most people. Secrets are secret for a reason. Sometimes people cannot get past their past if they have to share the knowledge of it with peopel in their daily lives. Every bit of information we have about each other colors our experiences together. When someone doesn't tell you something, sometimes it's because they do not trust you. Sure. But sometimes, they just don't want to deal with it anymore. It's their secret. They can bury as deep as they like. You have no right to the information whatsoever.
     
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