Getting my boyfriend to open up emotionally.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by 7"24, Dec 23, 2011.

  1. 7"24

    7"24 Member

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    Hey guys,

    For those that don't know my boyfriend and I have been together for three months. Everything is going great we love each other, the sex is fire. The only complaint I have is. He has a hard time telling me how he feels about being gay. We are both in the closet. And I am in no way forcing him to come out. I just want to know what's going on in his head and how he feels about life in general but if I ask questions like how are you feeling and I tell him always here if he wants to talk. Etc. I don't get a response. But he always says I love you. And If i have asked a couple times if he means it and he will get pissed if I question it. And a few of his actions when we are together tell me he loves me but it's hard I'm laying my entire heart out there and just want his in return. I don't know. Just feeling down about it right now, leaving for home for Christmas. We only get to see each other once or twice a week. So it sucks communicating through text. Any advice? How to stay confident and happy when away from your love?
     
  2. billybones

    billybones Active Member

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    You'll never really know what's going on in another person's head until they tell you. If you force another person to express their feelings, most of the time you'll only get the answer they think you want to hear. Don't force things. When the relationship is more solid you might just start to wish you'd never asked him what he's thinking. I know three years later I'm starting to feel that way. (But I also know him well enough that I can figure most things out on my own - which takes much less time.)
     
  3. erratic

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    I can only tell you what works for me, so here goes:

    Trust him when he tells you he loves you. Has he given you any reason to rationally suspect he doesn't love you? If not, trust him. If you show you don't trust him, he'll begin asking himself if he should trust you.

    Is this your (or his) first serious relationship? If so, please remember that things are bound to feel a bit scarier and a bit more tentative in your first major relationship. Breathe in. Breathe out. :)

    Also, please remember that being closeted ratchets up the emotional instability a bit. That's not your fault or his; it's the fault of a hateful, homophobic society that makes an issue out of men loving each other (and women loving each other, and other-gender people generally existing). But it has very real implications for your relationship. More secrecy, more stress, more internalized shame. That's hard to deal with, so pat yourself on the back for taking it on.

    Try not to have deep conversations over text. Text is surface-level communication. Important relationship conversations require face time, when at all possible. Eye contact, body contact, and body language are integral parts of communication in a relationship - they are part of our evolutionary heritage, and stripping them from your communication will leave it more prone to errors in communication, and will leave it feeling less relationship-y.

    Don't be surprised if you feel anxious when leaving him for trips. This is called "separation anxiety." We like to pretend it only happens to toddlers, but the truth is throughout our lifespans we often feel it on some level when we leave people who are important to us. It is predictable, hard-wired, and entirely human. Adults often express it through clinginess, pretending to not care/denial, emotional outbursts, anger, or (more often and more healthfully) sad farewells and happy reunions.

    Finally, keep modelling healthy emotional communication. If I remember from your previous posts (and thinking back more than a week is trouble for me), your boyfriend is still a teenager, so he's still learning how to be a well-balanced adult. Hell, there are people in their 70s who don't know how to communicate effectively about their emotions. Communicate your needs with him clearly, and invite him to communicate his. Keep doing so. ...just don't nag ;)

    Good luck, man.
     
  4. aninnymouse

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    About the best you can do is to spend as much time as you can with him. The time you DO get to spend with him, take it and make the best of it. Do little things that make you show that you love him. If he feels the same, and it sounds like he does, he's just not very demonstrative about it, he'll show you in return.

    The thing is, some men just aren't that good with showing their feelings, or talking about them. Give him time, let him be comfortable, and he'll open up more.

    I understand that the two of you are in a bit of a precarious situation, as being in the closet, not a lot of outlets. Plus, him still having school, etc. it makes it hard.

    Spend time together, get to know each other as well as you can, and you will not have this problem anywhere near as much.
     
  5. 7"24

    7"24 Member

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    This is both of our first serious gay relationship. I just want to be able to connect and talk to my boyfriend about the ignorance in the world. And the horrible things people say my friends and family make gay jokes and shit and I feel alone so much sometimes is it to much to want my boyfriend to talk to me about this. I just don't feel like I have any other outlet. I don't know in just struggling with accepting my self.
     
  6. Charles Finn

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    ok first of all relax and just enjoy your time together he will tell you how he feels when he feels like it you are young give it time just enjoy your time together
     
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