Getting Over A Break Up

blabla18p

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Hello all.

I am going to write a little bit about something that I'm experiencing. I know I am not the first to go through it, but I really wanted to write it down...

tl;dr: My ex tends to pop up into my mind, even 3.5 years after the break up.

I dated my ex for nearly 3 years. Our relationship was pretty great from the start until the end, with no fights and very little argues. We would always talk openly about things that dwell inside and not let them turn into something ugly. Really, dating him was a very positive experience for me, and he was pretty much my only long-term boyfriend (before him it was 7 months with a terrible guy).

Despite our relationship being all colorful, there was one conversation we always got back to - falling in love, feeling a spark.
I don't know if I fell in love with him, but I did have strong feelings for him and that was all that mattered for me.
He, however, felt that he loved me, but never fell in love with me. Something inside him always felt that it was missing, and it made him feel very bad that he might hurt me because of that. Whenever we had those conversations, he'd cry his heart out and I would become quite emotionless for a few minutes, until I get back to myself, hug him and calm him down. The emotionless part is mainly because it offended me.

The decision to break up came from me.
I felt that these feeling he had had were really in the way.
For example, I wanted to move in together, and he didn't, worrying 'what would happen if we break up'.
Or that time he didn't even think to bring up his friend's marriage ceremony and went alone (I was okay with him going alone, but he didn't feel it was right to share it with me beforehand, especially since I knew that friend).
I felt he didn't see us the same way I did. From my point of view, it could last much longer. From his point of view, it felt like it was bound to end at some point (he believed that about relationships in general and always wondered how his parents stick together).

When I started the break up talk, he immediately realized what was going on and I think he was quite relieved it happened (he cried a lot and for days he would compare it to death of a close one).

We never stopped talking officially, but we do not send messages. He wished me a happy birthday in my last one, and I wished him, but other than that I haven't spoken to or seen him in a long time.
Yet, he pops into my mind every now and then. For instance, I started playing some video games, and I knew he liked them, so I wonder what he would have thought of it, or I bring him up sometimes when something reminds me of him, and many small stuff like that.

I can't say I miss him... I think I miss the bond we had, but ever since the break up, I really have no power to start over with new people. Kind of apathetic to dates.

Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to write down my feelings... maybe some of you experienced the same and can share your thoughts.

Just to finish optimistically: I believe I will find a guy and that all will be the past. I am a cute guy, in and out, just need to get over the obstacle that's in front of me.
 

Gj816

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Well I'd say you're off to a good start. Writing things out can be very therapeutic for a person. Yeah we've all been there but it still hurts and takes some time to get used too.

Good for you for realizing that you were in a relationship with someone who loved you but wasn't in love with you.

Three are plenty of fish in ther sea. Keep looking you'll find someone who will fall in love with you and you him. Good luck.
 

Pocketlife93

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Hi Blabla18P

Thank you for sharing your experience. I noticed it has been over 2.5 years since your post and I am sure you have moved on from the relationship and are in a much better place. I have recently (today in fact) gone through a somewhat similar situation.

My boyfriend for 2+ years just broke up with me. He was the longest relationship I’ve had and the most healthy one. He was nearly 20 years older than I am (I’m 30 this year) and I guess he felt he was at a different stage of his life and he had quite a few things in his personal life (e.g work) that he is quite stressed about and so suggested we take a break and remain as friends. I was devastated but I got where he was coming from… and tbh I saw this coming as I felt us drifting apart. As this was a really healthy relationship (no quarrels, no cheating, healthy conversations), I really felt sad more than anything else when he proposed the break up. But deep in my heart I knew it was inevitable… I guess…

I am still healing and grieving from the break up and just wanted to thank you for sharing your story as it makes me feel less alone.
 
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deleted18388141

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You need to have a relation with someone who shares the same perspective of love!
Your ex seemed to not be interested in a relationship other than the fun part :)
I believe u did well to break up! But hey, uou loved him… how about u talk with him about uour feelings? Explain how u felt and ask him if he can help you understand the past relationahip in a way that it could help you move on and not make the same mistakes in the future! Of course be clever about how u bring this up
And maybe uou will get the closure u need
Also : covid was here last years… so it s normal for us to ruminate our past