Getting Tangled Up with a Control Freak

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_yexysoy, Dec 24, 2009.

  1. D_yexysoy

    D_yexysoy New Member

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    My husband and I have a third. He was one of the first people I met when we started looking for our extra guy, although not the first one we 'tried out'. There was a long time of 'busy schedule' and other things that kept it to alot of chat time. A friendship developed between him and I. Cool with my hubby as long as no lines were crossed.

    He is a Dom also, but it was made clear from the beginning my husband is my only Dom (and we don't do 24/7) and that I was not to be his sub, this was purely threesome. There has not been much talk of D/s other than him joking now and then I need my ass spanked for this or that. So, we talk, alot, but it's hit and miss, and I've learned that over time I let myself (being submissive, and having alot of stress right now) slip into giving over control of the relationship to him. He chats when he wants, calls the shots, what have you. He pulls out my emotional baggage, and also does tend to yank my power out from under me in our conversations.

    We've just reached the point where he has made some outright comments about that fact, that he keeps me where I need to be, etc. Made it very clear he knows he is in charge, I don't have the reigns, and outright asked me to trust him and 'let me take this where it needs to be, and I'll make sure you don't get out of control with it'.

    So, question is; I'm naturally submissive, I do enjoy the control but when does it become negative? I'm thinking at this point, he's serving himself and not my needs. Any women who are subs / men who are Doms, is this type of situation destructive? I find myself still drawn to it, yet disturbed over my mistrust and the whole push pull between us. Since he's not my Dom I have not been 'asked' to give control (and I think I'm answering my own question here) so there's no contract, no tangible or confirmed power exchange, it's just happening naturally, and it's purely emotional nothing physical whatsoever in that sense. Our only physical contact is sexual, plain and simple and no BDSM has ever taken place.
    Is this a common situation? Where someone like him worms their way into control? My experience with the D/s relationship so far is limited. I'd like to hear opinions or stories of anyone who has had simliar experiences. I'm thinking this is him, playing a game, not necessarily responding to my needs.
     
  2. Serial Kisser

    Serial Kisser Well-Known Member

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    I don't know much about the D/s stuff, as I'm not very experienced in it. I am submissive too, though.

    After reading this, I would tend to think that no one has control over you unless you give that to them. And maybe you being submissive and allowing him to make such comments or you allowing other behaviors to go on without setting up your limits with him has given him open season on controlling other things. Maybe he figures that in this case, silence is consent. If you're not saying that his comments or actions are intruding on your peace of mind and that his behavior is affecting you negatively, he probably assumes nothing is wrong.

    You say that you let your self slip into giving him control. I think the above I just wrote is how you're doing that and if this isn't what you want to keep doing, then you should probably stop. Just because you're submissive doesn't mean that you're powerless. If you think about it, deep down you're the one who really has the power by allowing someone else to do other things to you. If you don't allow it, they can't. That's the power right there. I think it'd be beneficial to have a chat with him, maybe even with your hubz present so he knows what's going on, about limits that need to be in place. Good luck.
     
  3. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    If you feel like you're getting harmed emotionally/mentally in the situation, it might mean you are. At the same time I can understand the excitement and stimulation it brings up in you. This may sound sort of trite but if you just trust your intuition, you'll know what the truth in the situation is. Also, as you know, the sub has as much power as the dom, and many times, even more!
     
  4. dolfette

    Gold Member

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    personally, i think he's crossing the line.
    you have a husband so he has no business playing this game with you. the deal was sex, just sex.
    this man is pushy and has no honour. he's trespassing on your psyche.
    tell him to sling his hook and then talk to your hubby about these needs you have.
     
  5. sexplease

    Gold Member

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    I find celibacy, both physically and emotionally, works wonders for control freaks.
     
  6. blooeyz

    blooeyz New Member

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    ditch him
     
  7. badger2395

    badger2395 Member

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    I'm a fairly vanilla guy, but I have a lot of friends in the BD/sM community. That having been said, this situation seems to be violating the spirit of your negotiated agreement between the three of you. If your husband is your only Dom, and your third has been acting in the way you've described, he's not respecting that fact. So I wouldn't blame yourself, but rather the Dom who hasn't respected the limits of the situation as outlined and (supposedly) agreed upon. If anything, what he should've done is notice that you've been acting in a submissive way, and then checked with your husband about what sort of response would be acceptable.

    Just my 2 cents worth.
     
  8. Ajizzle

    Ajizzle New Member

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    You need to ditch him. He is in control of the situation and is disregarding your "clear thought" desire with him. Before things got cloudy you knew it was your husbands role, now you have two doms? You know what your doing... He is doing this because he likes it, and he can... not because you like it.

    My opinion...
     
  9. D_yexysoy

    D_yexysoy New Member

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    Thanks everyone for the input! It's correct I 'let' myself slide into it, but it wasn't completely without some awareness I was doing it. On the other hand I agree with the fact that he is being dishonorable by both going there when he knows better, and by not being up front. A good Dom, would stop me, speak with me AND my husband about it. Be responsible. Not selfish. You're all right and he's doing it for his own gain.

    And yes..I do know I have as much if not more control of the situation, and if it occurs, it's because I let it.

    Thanks again all..great advice!
     
  10. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    Run before a bunch of bad things happen and everyone gets hurt. Since you and hubby seem to have an open relationship, tell him what's going on and find someone else who wants to play nicely.
     
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