Getting with someone who is married

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by mogwaigizmo, Aug 27, 2010.

  1. mogwaigizmo

    mogwaigizmo New Member

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    Although I think I know what the general concensus will be on this - I wanted to put it out there and see what people's views are.

    A bit of back story - I use a particular gay website to find guys, get to know them, meet up, etc etc. One thing I found was the VAST number of married men on their wanting to indulge in their curious side and wanting to meet up with other men.

    I was recently contacted by one such person (although at the time I didn't know he was married until we met up). He is by far the most attractive, handsome man I have ever met, add to that he is kind, funny and (for some reason) finds me attractive makes me turned on to him no end.

    We were talking (which is when he divulged that he was married) - he expressed that he had been having meet ups with guys for the last 10 years or so on the side, and his wife has no clue about it.

    I didn't know what to think at the time - but being extremely weak-willed we ended up messing around (and having a great time!). However, he wants to see me more, and I don't know whether to continue doing so or not.

    I do feel extremely guilty (for obvious reasons) - it's never something I had thought about before really until being presented with it now. I have mentioned the issue to a couple of my friends - and their remarks have (surprisingly) been along the lines of 'You shouldn't feel guilty, he's the one messing around - not you - and if he doesn't feel bad about it then you should't either', and another said 'He's already been with guys before you and he will be with guys after you - just have some fun if you fancy him'.

    It would be one thing if he never mentioned it to me (I would have been oblivious) even if I found out later on. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm totally blown away by this guy, I probably wouldn't be trying to rationalise it now, and would say that - although he's been unfaithful multiple times in the past, that doesn't give me cause to partake in it now.

    I would just like to hear other people's thoughts on this, as (like I said) it's not something I had really thought about before - or if I had it was always from the perspective of the person who is married, and not thinking about the third party involved.

    Cheers
     
  2. unabear09

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    he's the one messing around is a cop out. If you didn't know he was married, then I'd say that was ok, but since you do, you are almost as bad as him.
     
  3. rob_

    rob_ Active Member

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    I completely agree with your friends. I have always believed the onus is on the person in the relationship and not the third party involved.

    If you want to keep fucking this guy, go for it! But don't get attached. He only wants you for sex. Anything else you can give him he can get from his wife. There must be a reason they're still together after ten years of unfaithfulness.

    Good luck in your endeavor.

    Robertt
    <3
     
  4. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    This ^ Although I'm guessing we'll be in the minority.
     
  5. killerb

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    while it's true that he's the one who's in a relationship & he's the one who's doing the cheating, that doesn't absolve you...

    it's just a messy, no-win situation...
     
  6. eurotop40

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    Put it this way: at least he is being honest with you telling you that he is married.
    What if you fell in love with him and then found out that he is married?
     
  7. zpacifico

    zpacifico New Member

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    Originally Posted by rob_
    I completely agree with your friends. I have always believed the onus is on the person in the relationship and not the third party involved.

    If you want to keep fucking this guy, go for it! But don't get attached. He only wants you for sex. Anything else you can give him he can get from his wife. There must be a reason they're still together after ten years of unfaithfulness.

    Good luck in your endeavor.

    Robertt
    <3

    agree completely
     
  8. mattsrod7

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    agree. if you continue doing it you're just enabling him and letting him know you think what he is doing is right
     
  9. rob_

    rob_ Active Member

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    It's not his first affair. He knows what he is doing is wrong.
    And if the OP refused to sleep with him, he would just find someone who would.

    The only reason I would never get involved with a married man is because, if I got attached, I would end up getting hurt.
     
  10. Incocknito

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    I want to sleep with (some) married people but morality prevents me :frown1:.

    But its cool cos as I walk away I hear "I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man" in my head :p

    The moral highground has amazing views.
     
  11. nudeyorker

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    Well... you really need to do some soul searching and you also need to have a very honest and open conversation with him.
    After my first partner died I did not want to get involved in another relationship (at the time I thought ever again).
    I had a nearly five year relationship with a married man. He did not want to leave his wife and kids and I did not want a complicated, committed relationship.
    The one thing you have to be prepared for is that you get to spend almost every major holiday and your birthday alone while he spends them with his family.
    It's very difficult to go to nice restaurants, the theatre or even shopping because someone might spot you two together and question the relationship.
    Vacations are spent taking different flights and spending most of the time in a hotel room having sex and not seeing any sights.
    All of this worked out fine for me for many years until I felt strong and secure enough to want another relationship with love and commitment.
    I moved on and found it. He moved on and found someone else to take my place.
    We are still friends, but you have to be in this for the sex; because that is the sum total of the relationship.
     
    #11 nudeyorker, Aug 28, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2010
  12. mogwaigizmo

    mogwaigizmo New Member

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    Many thanks for your feedback everyone - it's interesting to see everyone's views.

    Also just a note - I am in this just for fun - it's not for a relationship or anything, although I do like him in a sexual way, he's not the kind of guy I think I could see myself falling for (but then again from what I hear - those are the types you usually end up do falling for hehe :p)
     
  13. dad4you

    dad4you Member

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    Sadly, most of the men in my life have been married or partnered. Most have been very nice, one a little posessive. All are now gone. All took a part of my heart.
     
  14. unzipped

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    sorry, but my philosophy is if they are married....hands off....... if they whine they are not intimate or have other excuses, just tell them to look you up when they are single.. period... It is not fair to all parties involved.... really.
     
  15. LambHair McNeil

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    I agree 100%. And it looks like we're in the minority thus far ;)
     
  16. ShakeYrDog

    ShakeYrDog New Member

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    This.

    I would be completely heartbroken if it happened to me, and karma is a very real thing, so...yeah.
     
  17. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    I'm with the "run like your hair's on fire" group. I don't do married men for all the reasons above - no commitment, alone on holidays etc. I do however know guys who love to play with married men for no strings fun, period. They DON'T want a relationship but enjoy the intimacy and then go home. Not for me but whatever floats your boat.
     
  18. ohjoe

    ohjoe Member

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    "but being extremely weak-willed we ended up messing around (and having a great time!). However, he wants to see me more, and I don't know whether to continue doing so or not.

    I do feel extremely guilty (for obvious reasons)"

    In my view this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. It doesn't matter that he has made a decision to cheat. You don't control that. You can only control your own actions. Life is defined by the decisions we make and, from your post, you obviously already know what is right and wrong. Don't look to other people for justification. Trust your instincts, follow your moral compass and you will ultimately be happy for it.
     
  19. mogwaigizmo

    mogwaigizmo New Member

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    Yeah I think I'm just going to tell him that I can't see him - as much as I would like to, I already feel far too guilty having just kissed him, and doing anything more I think would make me feel worse.

    And yeah ohjoe you're right - I already kinda knew it wasn't right (in my eyes) - was just interested to see what people thought as I couldn't really see any threads on it.
     
  20. bigunzippedstudent9

    bigunzippedstudent9 Well-Known Member

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    my vote: its the person in the relationships problem
     
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