girlfriend anorgasmic

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by chimon, Apr 13, 2007.

  1. chimon

    chimon New Member

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    My girlfriend is in her early 30s and so am I. She has never had an orgasm. Its not that she doesn't feel pleasure, she just doesn't feel the explosion. She has been with many men and has many long term relationships. She is totally happy with it and she feels that everyone that she has been with wanted to "make her" cum and she feels that its something that is for the good of the men (say ego) rather than for her. I personally feel that, in a loving relationship, by sharing (giving and receiving) orgasm, I connect with my lover in a very deep level not only physical but also emotional and spiritual. So I expressed why I want to connect with her at this level and thus, I want us to work on her reaching an orgasm. She says she is totally happy with the sex life and doesn't have a problem with it. She wants me to accept the fact that women are very different in that regard and that some women just are not orgasmic and she shouldn't have to feel like she has a problem because she is one of those women. She has masterbated and tried toys etc. with no avail. I tried oral, manual, on her clitoris, inside her, but she feels pleasure but nothing else happens from it. One thing to note is that her clitoris is very sensitive and she says when I give her oral, it hurts her. So that kind of eliminates her learning to have orgasm through clitoris since its way too sensitive for her. She doesn't get much wet either. I suggested that we can read books together but she says she doesn't want to a book to teach her about sex. I want to encourage her to masterbate and to find out more about her body but her attitude is "there is nothing wrong with me because I am different. its the media and the men who are crazed about orgasm that think I should be a certain way is the problem." I am thinking... in order for me to help her to have an orgasm, she must admit that we as a couple have an issue and that she is open to having one. Not her attitude of, "I am not going to have an orgasm. end of the story". I don't know what to do. I want to keep this relationship but I don't know if I can be with someone who is anorgasmic and does not think its an issue.
     
  2. dongalong

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    Man, I understand your point of view, orgasms are so important for great sex. It isn't good that she has a closed mind about the subject because there are so many solutions that you could both try.

    The main problem seems to be her mind, if she is thinking about NOT reaching orgasms instead of enjoying the pleasure she will never have them. If possible don't pressure her about them and get her to focus on what feels good. You know yourself, when you are extremely turned on it is hard to hold an orgasm back, find out the things that turn her on the most and use them to influence her mind.

    She might have physical problems however, low testosterone might be a reason, women produce small amounts of the hormone and it has a direct effect on their ability to have orgasms. Certain herbal supplements can stimulate it.

    I've never experienced a hyper-sensitive clit yet but maybe it can be stimulated without direct contact by rolling it's hood over it or massaging higher up.

    If you can convince her to make an effort to learn about orgasms, she should start kegelling - contracting her vagina muscles to make them stronger, this has improved many women's orgasms and if she does it when you are inside it feels SO good.

    You probably already know a lot about orgasms but I suggest that you learn as much as possible about them and try to target the 3 internal orgasm trigger points during penetration.

    Good luck!
     
  3. bd1234

    bd1234 New Member

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    I lived with an identical woman many years ago. I mean, the exact same thing. Same age, same symptoms, same sensitivity (she said clit stimulation felt like 'burning'), same declaration that it didn't matter. I never did figure it out. I met another woman, who was able to have great orgasms, dumped the first gf, married the second one and haven't looked back. I mean there were other issues as well to the change, but the orgasm thing certainly was part of it.

    Sorry to not have the answer, but I felt you should know.
     
  4. chimon

    chimon New Member

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    I don't know what to do. Everything else in the relationship is great but to me, having great sex is an important part of the equation. And for her to not experience the big O, not even seldomly, is an issue for me. Did you feel that she didn't want to have sex often as you do because she was anorgasmic? I don't consider myself to having a high sex drive. I probably would be happy with having it 3-4 times a week. But she wants it less than that and I often get refused when I innitiate sex...
     
  5. rob_just_rob

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    That's a tough situation. I had an ex girlfriend who professed to never have had an orgasm - but she liked sex a lot, initiated all the time and assured me that she did feel pleasure - she just didn't orgasm. It wasn't a long relationship, but even though she wasn't opposed to sex, I might have been uncomfortable with the situation, had the relationship become long term.
     
  6. snoozan

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    This is a tough situation. It seems like you appear to care more than she does, or that she just doesn't want to deal with it and has just shut off in frustration. It very well could be something medical or physical that deserves being looked into, or it could be something psychological. If it were me, a doctor would be my first step.

    However, that's if it were me. She's made it abundantly clear to you that this isn't something she is willing to address anymore. She had effectively told you to drop it and has made it very clear that further discussion isn't wanted.

    So the decision you have to make is whether you can deal with the relationship in those terms or if you can't. If being with her makes you miserable and obsessive over her orgasms, you need to say goodbye. If you can accept this, move on, and never say a word about it again unless she mentions it, stay in the relationship and maybe she'll come around to discussing it and be open to doing something about it. Right now, she is not, and pressuring her is only going to make things worse.

    As a side note, it takes me a long time to get comfortable with someone before I'm able to have orgasms with them, though with masturbation has always been easy. Maybe if you can stop worrying about it and she can stop worrying about it (which she probably is, sice it's been an issue with so many men, and now, you), maybe it'll happen. But, it's only going to if there's no pressure. Psychological stress is the bitterest enemy of the female orgasm.

    Good luck!
     
  7. bd1234

    bd1234 New Member

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    Well we didn't have sex often (indeed, at all) after the first few months
    of the relationship. Was this directly caused by her anorgasmness ?
    I'm not sure. I think it would be equally possible to have a partner who
    was able to achieve orgasm, but also became not into sex. As I said there
    were other issues too in my case. In the beginning she was into sex,
    but never quite in the same way as other women I'd been with before
    and since. So yes I suspect there was more to it than just inability to
    achieve orgasm.
     
  8. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    Try teasing her. The idea is that eventually she will get so turned on and horny she will jump on you and hopefully cum.

    Do things like get behind her and grab her, whisper how sexy she is and maybe touch her clit a little bit. Then walk away, continue whatever you normally do or would be doing. Randomly touch her and kiss her intensely etc over the course of a few days. But don't have sex with her. Just tease her and tell her how hot she is etc.

    After a few days she should be really horny and jump on you. My ex said she couldn't cum without toys (I know, not the same as anorgasmic). But after I got her really worked up, she came about a minute after I penetrated her, twice one after the other.

    Just get her worked up, maybe try and be less dominant, just tease and try not to make full sex the goal. If you drive her wild, she will be more likely to cum.

    I wonder if the anorgasmia is because she has some hangups about sex/her body? I just find in my experience that the less orgasmic girls aren't able to let themselves go as much...try and convince her how hot she is is what I say. Teasing is always good.

    Oh and maybe she doesn't want it so much because she thinks you just want her for sex? Its happened before...just take it easy and try and be romantic and constantly tell her how f'in hawt she be. Don't ask for sex...wait for her to DEMAND it.
     
  9. morethan10

    morethan10 New Member

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    That is going nowhere. Sounds like the Cinderella complex applied to sex.
    If you have ever been in a tough relationship, maybe one that is affected by a lot of stressful crap, you know that sex and intimacy really get you through the tough times. I have a friendly RX that told me it is 50 percent of a good relationship. After more than a few years on the planet, I agree. Chances are there is a ton more stuff going on here than her having a big O.
    Find a new girl.
     
  10. SoLowHung

    SoLowHung New Member

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    If it happens at all it will surprise both of you. It will not happen by you riding her ass about it day in and day out. I know you want to make it work because that's what us guys do; we solve problems. This is not one you're are going to solve because every time you try something new just to get her off, it will become a mental block for her.

    If you want to be with her then compromise and listen to what she is telling you. If you can't get over it then except her for who she is and understand that she is not right for you.

    Now, if she is into any sort of BDSM and is willing to give you the power, there are things that can be done but I warn you, it is not something to toy with if she is not at ease with herself and you do not know what you are doing.

    There's a lot to be said here...

    I like what Snoozan said.
     
  11. SpoiledPrincess

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    Sex isn't just about cumming, sounds like you're putting pressure on her to cum and that's only going to make her more tense. If she's enjoying the sex you have together then maybe for her orgasm isn't the biggy you feel it should be. It's up to her to decide what she's happy with sexually.
     
  12. SoLowHung

    SoLowHung New Member

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    Also, in my experience with this situation, she really got into my pleasure and my orgasm. Her excitement and pleasure was directly linked to mine so perhaps if she is the same you can allow yourself to let go and just enjoy the moment while knowing she is enjoying hers. Though, I would recommend that to any form of sexual interaction....or any interaction at all, really.
     
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