Girlfriend cheated on me

[B_Anzalone]

I havent posted in a while, but now i need some help guys.

I met this girl about a year ago and we hit it off from day one, after the first day we hardly spent a day apart, and i finally started living with her. She broke up with her boyfriend, not for me, but about a month or two after she broke up with him her and i started dating.

About a month after we started dating she cheated on me with her ex, who she still cared for(not loved though) that was about 6-7 months ago... We've given ourelves to eachother and we are madly in love... she regrets cheating on me and i want to forgiove her, and have... but i cant get it out of my head. Right now we are in different towns, and she has a few new friends, most of which are guys.

And i cant help but think she might start cheatin on me again. She swears she wont and i want to believe her, but sometimes i cant swalow what she gives me very easily.

We want to get married, and she says she loves me more than any other person on the planet, and i feel the same way. she told me secrets about herself not even her siblings or parents know, or anyone else. Only her and I know her deepest secrets. So i know the love is true... But i cant help but think that going without sex will lwead her to cheating.

We have phone sex, but thats a half assed substitute. I blame myself for her cheating. I feel like i am ugly and undesirable, even though she always talks about how sexy i am. I just cant help but think there is someone out there that will catch her eye.

What should i do to raise my self esteem and learning to start trusting her?

I've sat down and talked all of this out with her, and i still love her more than anything, but i still feel like she'll do it again.

Help, please.

 

[Drifterwood]

How old are you both?

How experienced are you both?

How far apart are you?

Why are you now apart?

You don't have to answer of course, but i don't want to give you shit advice.

 

[B_Anzalone]

How old are you both? shes 17 and im 18

How experienced are you both? shes had 6 boyfriends, sex with 2 of them... 6 girlfriends here, sex with 3 other them.

How far apart are you? from one coast to the other

Why are you now apart? family moving

You don't have to answer of course, but i don't want to give you shit advice.

there ya go

 

[Jovial]

What does she have to lose by cheating on you again? Nothing, because you will still love her.
If she was "madly in love" with you she wouldn't have cheated, she would have been thinking of you all the time.
You can't learn to trust her. Trust takes a long time to gain, but is lost quickly. There is no reason to trust her, sorry.
You guys are too young to think about marriage.
(Sorry, I'm a pessimist about these things.)

 

[Drifterwood]

With regard to her having one for the road with her ex, this is not uncommon and people tend not to think of it as cheating, as it's not as if they are doing something they haven't already done.

I am afraid that I do not have the "cheating" ethic. Don't get me wrong, if people find the right partner and wish to be monogamous then they are lucky.

At the risk of sounding like my father, you are young and there are plenty of fish in the sea. I think a lot of us have felt that we had found a soulmate at your age. In my case, as with most others, we were wrong. She turned out to be a complete maniac, and oddly an earlier girlfriend has ended up being one of my closest lifelong friends.

I am very sympathetic for the enforced parting that you are suffering - i used to put the Leonard Cohen CD's on - I still do as that is the nature of my lifestyle. I enjoy the togetherness when I can, but I accept that things happen and people have to live their lives. I am not saying that this relationship has to end, I am saying keep it if you can, but don't be distraught if the distance turns you from lovers to friends.

 

[B_Anzalone]

What does she have to lose by cheating on you again? Nothing, because you will still love her.
If she was "madly in love" with you she wouldn't have cheated, she would have been thinking of you all the time.
You can't learn to trust her. Trust takes a long time to gain, but is lost quickly. There is no reason to trust her, sorry.
You guys are too young to think about marriage.
(Sorry, I'm a pessimist about these things.)

she actually has a lot to lose. She knows i wont love her if she does it again, becuz i cant love someone who loved me, and in my mind i think she might have done it to make sure what was over with her ex was over... for the few months between her breakup and our start she hung out with both of us, to see who she wanted more.

We started dating and we liked eachother, she didnt realize how much she cared until after she saw what she had done to me.


BTW, thank you driferwood.

 

[Curious Gal]

At the risk of saying something unpopular, if you think that she will do it again shes not worth it.

There is nothing wrong with having open relationships, where two people have sexual relations with others and disclose completely all that happens... but this 'behind your back stuff' or cheating, in my books, are a big big no no.

But then Im as loyal as a cattle dog and its just against everything I stand for.

Shes not worth it, your young... find someone that really cherishes your affection and will save themselves for you and you only.

 

[Jovial]

Well, it sounds like she is young and still "shopping" around. The way you said she "hung out with both of us, to see who she wanted more" before you started going out. I think Drifterwood's advice is good. Try not to get too serious too soon, otherwise it will hurt if you end up breaking up.

Remember, a lot of girls don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you they are not into you anymore. Especially now that you were so hurt by her cheating, I doubt that she would ever want to tell you she doesn't like you anymore.

Good luck with it.

 

[pantano]

17 and 18 and you talking about marriage, I think you too young to make any wedding plans, start living first and then you see when have 5-6 years more.
At least that is what I think.

 

[2322]

in my mind i think she might have done it to make sure what was over with her ex was over... for the few months between her breakup and our start she hung out with both of us, to see who she wanted more.

From your perspective she is unsure of whom she wants to be with. You say that she cheated to make sure it was over. That's highly unlikely. Most girls would do that for the same reason guys do, it was a familiar person to have sex with. It also indicates that she has residual feelings for the guy.

She's boyfriend shopping and that's OK. What seems to be a problem is that she's acting before she's thinking. She's forgetting her commitment to you because the time and place were right to have sex with her ex.

If your family has moved and you have no way to stay with her, then you have a serious problem on your hands. Long distance relationships are tough to keep going and while you're away, other guys will likely be trying to get to her.

You said that you reconciled after this happened yet you're here now, knowing that this is still a problem. Part of you wants to trust her but it sounds like your gut is saying that there's something wrong. If that's what's happening, then I think you should listen to it.

This girl seems to get easily lost in the moment. When she's with you she's with you heart and soul. When she's somewhere else then she's doing that heart and soul as well. It's not that she doesn't want to faithful, she just can't help it. That kind of behavior is tough to deal with, particularly for someone like you who can't be with her. It's likely she'll learn differently, but right now she just can't and, somewhere inside you, I think you know that.

If you can't be with her all the time and she can't control herself, then you need to consider what's best for you. If you continue this way, jealousy--real or imagined--will eat away at you and your chances for happiness are slim. I think, and the choice is up to you, that given the circumstance of having moved away and your worry about her constancy, that it is best to let her go. She has to live her life and holding her to a relationship that you can't be there to fulfill isn't fair to her or to you. It's not your fault nor hers. It's just the way life has turned out and that happens to everyone sometimes even though it can be very painful. Let her go and you let yourself go too. It won't be easy and you may have a few good cries over it, but in the end it will likely serve both of you for the best.

You sound like a mature and considerate young man. Give it a good long think. Talk to your best friends about it seriously and see what they say then do some soul searching of your own. If you listen to what your heart, not your head, is saying, then you'll do what is right.

 

[Mem]

there ya go

You are too young. Don't get married until you have been legal drinking age for a few years. At 18 you are barely an adult.
At 17 she is not yet an adult.

You have low self-esteem.

You don't trust her.

She has betrayed your trust by cheating on you. You say you may never be able to trust her again.

How will you support yourselves financially?

Try to figure it out from these clues.

Good luck.

 

[Osiris]

I feel like a man who has just bought a house, walked in to it and discovers it needs work. WOW!

Before I get into the bulk of this, let me first scold you. YOU ARE NEVER AT FAULT FOR SOMEONE CHEATING ON YOU! Period. End of. I don't care what you do, cheating is on the person that did the act, not the victim of said act.

Now let's look at the facts here...

Originally Posted by Drifterwood

How old are you both? shes 17 and im 18

You both are way too young for this. I met my "true love" at 17, proposed, set a date, she slept with my best friend. My wife? Married at 18 and I am husband #3. Do yourself a favor, live more of your life and learn more about yourself before you give yourself so wrecklessly. You are priceless, the person you spend the rest of your life with should feel the same.

How experienced are you both? shes had 6 boyfriends, sex with 2 of them... 6 girlfriends here, sex with 3 other them.

You two haven't even begun to scrape the relationship surface yet. You two need to date around and experience a LOT more. I promise you, you marry now, it will not last and you will gro to hate each other.


How far apart are you? from one coast to the other

Long distance never works. Very rarely does it work, but even in the maturest of adults, it is hard.

Why are you now apart? family moving

And she'll get to her new home and school, hang out with new friends, meet new boys, and "hook up" with someone new. This is called teenage life my friend.

You don't have to answer of course, but i don't want to give you shit advice.

she actually has a lot to lose. She knows i wont love her if she does it again, becuz i cant love someone who loved me, and in my mind i think she might have done it to make sure what was over with her ex was over... for the few months between her breakup and our start she hung out with both of us, to see who she wanted more.

We started dating and we liked eachother, she didnt realize how much she cared until after she saw what she had done to me.


BTW, thank you driferwood.

She has nothing to lose because what can you do a country apart? Not talk to her? Stop torturing yourself and go out and live and ditch the phone sex.

At the risk of saying something unpopular, if you think that she will do it again shes not worth it.

There is nothing wrong with having open relationships, where two people have sexual relations with others and disclose completely all that happens... but this 'behind your back stuff' or cheating, in my books, are a big big no no.

But then Im as loyal as a cattle dog and its just against everything I stand for.

Shes not worth it, your young... find someone that really cherishes your affection and will save themselves for you and you only.

She nailed it here my friend. Go out, hang out with friends, meet new girls and enjoy your life. You'll have plenty of time to sit around the house when you're dead.


A lot of people have given you advice here and it is up to you if you want to take it or not, I would hope you do. You seem too nice and thoughtful a guy to get yourself bittered out in your teens. I'm going to leave you with two quotes that may apply to you in this situation. One of them I've used a hundred times:

"Life is a smorgasbord and most suckers are starving."
--Rosalind Russell as Mame Dennis in the movie Auntie Mame

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't return, it was never yours to begin with."
--From the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull

 

[D_Aston Asstonne]

go and find you another girl and ball her brains out and video tape the whole ordeal for HER BENEFIT!kick her ass to the curb and move on kiddo!

 

[TheBeast]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

[TheBeast]

and plus, think about it, are you always going to want to have to wonder if your getting cheated on? What about when you get married and "works after" several nights in a row. Are you going to want to have to wonder if your getting cheated on?

Theres many many many more single women out there. Find someone else.

 

[B_ScaredLittleBoy]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

You read my mind!

Honestly, people/cheaters very rarely change and if they do its only with the wisdom of age.

There are girls out there who don't cheat. Who don't go to Ireland when they say they're going to Italy :tongue: lol.

Chin up, get rid of this terrible girl and go out and have fun being you, sans le cheater.

 

[D_Aston Asstonne]

Drop her like a bad habit and start over.she's playing you like a fiddle.

 

[B_andyo]

hmmm I cheat first even when the girl thinks about it.. and when we end the relationship I ve going out with another girl a month ago..
I think I don't love anyone, well at least not in that level of pain when I finish with someone. If I finish with someone I am stay alone then prolly is a problem but in the past 2 years I never been alone not even for one day...
And when this happens (insecurity) is going to be over soon. Plus you guys are way to young.

 

[Shiningdog]

Welcome to the club, my brother. My wife cheated on me with a person whom I had hated, on a personal level, for many years (and she knew it). I found out later that she had been fooling around with several other guys whom I knew on a professional level. Straight-acting as hell, lied about it all along. From my personal experience, and from what I have seen with others throughout my life, I am "convinced" that it is absolutely normal for women (and men) to cheat on their partner, whenever and where ever they have the opportunity. Sorry, but it boils down to being as simple as that. Good luck, my friend. But don't expect her to be faithful to you as you will again be disappointed and hurt. Ciao!

 

[B_Bette]

If she was "madly in love" with you she wouldn't have cheated, she would have been thinking of you all the time.

I agree. Some may argue that self-destructive people may cheat even when in love, but people who are "madly in love" aren't interested in others.

It's too general to say "once a cheater, always a cheater." Maybe it's just not the right match. Or maybe that is who she is, and you're just now seeing her shadow side. I wouldn't marry her or become much more involved.