Girlfriend is uncomfortable with penises

Discussion in 'Sex With a Large Penis' started by abvavrg, Oct 6, 2006.

  1. abvavrg

    abvavrg New Member

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    Right now I am in a long-term relationship with a girl I love immensely. Neither of us was a virgin when we met, but I was her first orgasm. No one had ever performed oral sex on her before, and most (if not all) of her previous sexual experiences were bad.

    One in particular was very bad. Simply put, the boyfriend (this was in her sophomore year of high school) was abusive. Since that time, she has had serious issues with penises: that is, almost no touching, no oral sex, nothing except vaginal penetration. Oftentimes, I feel like she is repulsed by me, and will not touch me if there is any pre-cum on me at all.

    (I should also make it clear that the relationship is currently long distance, as we're both at different medical schools. I get to see her once a month, twice if I'm very lucky.)

    I love this girl with all my heart and I don't want to make her uncomfortable, but I have told her that it really hurts me when she seems repulsed by me. Things are getting better, I suppose, because now she will touch me without my having to ask. I am determined to give her all the time she needs to become comfortable with me, so I suppose my question becomes:

    1) Has anyone (male or female) has similar experiences, either with a partner or personally, and

    2) did you or your partner ever overcome it? How? What can I do for her?
     
  2. Nitrofiend

    Nitrofiend New Member

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    My gf had issues with intimacy, over time it went away and she started to recipocrate my affection.
     
  3. B_keira-eva

    B_keira-eva New Member

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    I recommend a licensed NLP practitioner. They can sort those problems out in no time at all.

    All the best.
     
  4. transformer_99

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    The best I can offer is to keep being attentive to her, who knows, maybe she'll loosen up and become more intimate, maybe even initiate sex. That's a timetable and benchmark accomplishment you have to set, gauge and measure for yourself. Some women just are that way, cold fish. There'll be a day when you may ask yourself why you put up with it and hopefully you won't realize that you wasted your time on a hopeless cause if that is what it turned out to be. BTW, the abusive relationship, that may never be overcome, you might be sandbagged from the start. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to give up, give her the opportunity to respond, but if it ain't happening, you have an agenda of your own and molly cottling a mental basketcase, as noble a cause as it may be, there is baggage and issues that you may never even learn of. The question that you need to ask now, is this ever going to get better, because if it's unresponsive now, a one-sided relationship isn't healthy for either of you. After a while you may even resent it, maybe even be stuck in it. You need to communicate this and make it crystal clear, not a demand, no ultimatum, this is what I'm looking for, where are you in regards to providing that. And the reciprocity of it applies just the same. She has to have some idea of what she is after out of all this. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Any ambiguities in either of your minds need to be addressed. As keira-eva said, there are professionals that might be able to help facilitate this openness and honesty, you two may even be able to get there on your own without some level of 3rd party intervention. In fact, depending upon how she feels about her private and personal life being broadcast to a 3rd party, that might even put a bigger strain on what you're already experiencing.

    Another thing, both of you need to make sure you become the best medical graduates that you can be, that has it's bad points too, Doctors and their practices are time consuming. There's only so much anyone can do in the time frame of their awake hours.
     
  5. Wilde316

    Wilde316 Member

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    Maybe I'm cant fully help you but I have to ask, even though she has had a bad relationship, did she like contact with penises before, I had an ex who simply never really spent a lot of time even attempting to touch me other than penetration, maybe because she was scared, maybe because dicks are not pretty but either way, its possible its not jsut her past its they way she is. Being supportive is great and I suggest all men do it, long distance sucks as well but I like to believe love is love, and the two of you should be able to get through it all, after all whats a little thing like her touching your dick when in the long run she has the rest of hers and your life to get comfortable with it.

    Just my opinion, I might be wrong
     
  6. chrysler fanatic

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    I had almost the same exact thing. Four years later, we're getting married and she's a complete animal. I just didn't push it.
     
  7. PowayWolfman

    PowayWolfman Well-Known Member

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    maybe i can provide a different perspective. You see.. For a long time. I was the one who didn't like to be touched.. I was abused heavily by my second step father at a young age, not to mention I was raped by him. Now, I know nun of the women or guys i was with later on could ever come close to hurting me physically, but the mear touch of someone else would make me cringe (this is part of what lead to my massive depression in the past).. Depending on what happened to her, it may take Years apong years for her to figure it out on her own. But it sounds as if she is slowly trusting you.. All i can say is Move slow (at her pase) and DO not take it personally. I really hope it all works out man,,, You really do seem to love this woman. and that is a beautiful thing. :)
     
  8. dags

    dags New Member

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    I would seriously consider going in for a few sessions with a good professional that can get at the real issues, to help her overcome this. She was traumatized and treated badly...abusively, these things can have lasting effects. Some people are embarresed to talk about these issues, but they are so common nowdays. I would ask around from friends, family members, business friends, find a good therapist that has been recommended by someone you trust. At least try a couple visits anyway. Otherwise if she is not comfortable with that, just go slow, continue to strenghthen the relationship and trust. I know about abuse, verbal, psycological, it can really mess a person up, I got so bad with anxiety and depression for awhile I could'nt leave the house, drive a car, go in to a crowded store or restaurant, I had panic attacks, it was awefull!
    I'm 39, and until all this a couple years ago I had never had such problems befor. There are always underlying issues, confidance, self-esteem, self-worth that you may not even be aware of but when they rear their ugly head, look out. Good Luck.
     
  9. ledroit

    ledroit New Member

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    This sounds complex. Your attraction to her might be partly due to her unavailability. That tends to heighten rather than lessen desire in my experience. But if these are developmental issues (and she wants to outgrow them), communication is going to play a big part. Emotional changes require a lot of talking and thinking. But a third option might be that she just doesn't like penises all that much.

    There are plenty of people who do, and of them, there are also plenty of people who are "up and running" and ready to give you just as much interest and energy as you are willing to give them.

    To be perfectly honest, much as you love this person, I would not bank too much on things changing. Change is tough, and you have to be really motivated to change.

    Looking for somebody else who might be more your speed might sound cold, or selfish, but in the long run I don't really think it is. It's usually just realistic. If your GF is not that wild about great things like penises and pre-cum, both of you might be happier if she found somebody else who is in the same place. I would really have second thoughts about being with somebody who didn't like my dick, and didn't like what it did under excitement.
     
  10. B_cadetmatt

    B_cadetmatt New Member

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    If this has been going on for a long time, then you two have a lot of things going against you. I know how hard a long distance relationship is, even when the two people are in love. On top of that, you've got the intamacy problems as well. I don't want to say you two won't make it, but the odds are pretty stacked against you. My advice would be to try to get this sorted out as soon as possible, or your relationship may not last. Obviously counselling would be the best place to start. Good luck.
     
  11. headbang8

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    Love her. You can do nothing more, and you can do nothing less.

    Healing this sort of damage to one's soul takes courage and strength of character; strength she has to find in her own heart. Peer support, therapy, recovery programmes, and the love of your significant other all help. But the hard work of healing comes from within.

    It also takes time. Let's assume that the emotional damage is something akin to PTSD, caused by that single abusive episode in high school. You can check the literature: PTSD-type disturbances entrench themselves deeply and fade gradually over time, if at all. Peace of mind, for her, may be a life-long quest.

    This may offend your instincts as an aspiring doctor, and as a man. You want to be her knight in shining armour. You want to fix things, finally, once and for all. Your girlfriend's problem not a disease you can cure; it's an instinct that 's hard-wired in her. And instincts are learned slowly over time, by small, repeated experiences that combine to make some kind of abiding belief about the world. You un-learn them the same way, I am told.

    Alas, you can't rescue her. You can't save her. But you can be there for her.

    Doing the relationship long distance, and part time, must make that almost impossible. It frustrates true intimacy--you're not there for her, so that little moments of easy, natural trust can build comfortably, each upon the next.

    Now, I'm going to make some suggestions that you may find difficult, or even unpleasant.

    First, let go. I'm not saying that you should break up. But rather, understand what's in your control, and what isn't.

    In recovery circles, they call it detatching with love. Her feelings are her problem, and your feelings are your problem. It makes you feel bad that she is repulsed by you; I'm sure she doesn't find revulsion a pleasant state, either. It may not be her instinct to make you feel good with a touch, but neither is it her responsibility. You can't control how she behaves, and you can't deny that it creates bad feelings in your breast. But how you react to it IS in your control--acknowledging that her behaviour is not about you is a good first step. Keep the focus on yourself. Tough to do, when you love someone. But necessary.

    Second, I encourage you, ruthlessly, to shine a bright light on both your backgrounds. You say that her sex life was pretty bad before she met you; rarely does this sort of serial dysfunction spring from nowhere--and the people who are drawn to the emotionally damaged usually have some emotional damage of their own to deal with.

    Emotional co-dependence, domineering parents, alcoholism or substance abuse, trauma, a sufeit of "tough-love", loss or bereavement; if we've suffered any these things, we tend to be drawn to others who travel a similar emotional path. Not that there's anything wrong with that, necessarily, but we can run the risk of perpetuating our mutual misery rather than relieving it. Sometimes it IS better to end a relationship where you spend life pressing each others' emotional hot-buttons.

    I faced recovery from abuse, personally. Like PowayWolfman, I felt uncomfortable being touched and it's taken years of soul-searching to ovecome that instinct. It ain't easy. I feel for your girlfriend. And my partner and I are doing it long distance at the moment, so I feel for both of you on that score. May both opf you find peace of mind, and contentment in each other's arms.

    Feel free to PM me if you like.

    HB8
     
  12. nineplus

    nineplus New Member

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    My last gf had similar issues. It was mostly a trust thing and over time, when she had gathered trust, she, too, became an animal. Not to say that professional help isn't be necessary, but for your part in the meantime, it's all in the trust.

    BTW, nice to see a fellow Clevelander.
     
  13. mtguy1972

    mtguy1972 Member

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    she needs therapy to get over the past abuse. you can be supportive and do all the things people here have suggested, but she needs to come to grips with the past abusive relationship and learn how to be intimate again. while you can help her by being supportive, this is work that she has to do on her own, independently of you.
     
  14. ruffboy

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    my wife of 13 years endured physical, mental and sexual abuse as a young girl, i can say that at least with her (and i'm sure most of us), time, patience, communication and at the utmost love can help heal those wounds. but also, depending maybe on the depth of the pain she endured, thouse wounds may never be entirely cured. you could go months in bliss of a 'normal, healthy' relationship and then something somewhere somehow triggers a relapse and she'll need protection again. its a long hard road, but the benefits of helping the one you truly love through it, they are more than worth it all. good luck!
     
  15. canon

    canon Active Member

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    I agree with Keira-Eva. Unless these issues are dealt with they may only resurface later in the relationship or marriage. Neither partner should feel repulsed in anyway. You never know what will trigger this reaction to you and it is not fair to you to walk around on pins and needless. I know that it is easier said than done but I would strongly suggest to you not to make a long-term commitment to this girl until these are non-issues.
     
  16. baseball99

    baseball99 New Member

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    everyone is sayin she needs therapy blah blah blah. not necessarily.....especially if she doesnt want therapy. If you force her she will not get anything out of therapy. Its also kind of mazing the number of people whoare saying get rid of her.....sex is 1 thing in a relationship and if she's a med student too, im sure she brings a lot of intellect and other aspects you find stimulating as well.

    I had a similar experience and it took some time but my wife got over it.....notice i say my wife. We're both MD's as well and she brings a lot more to the table (not dinner i cook my own haha) than just sex. i mean, she's gorgeous, athletic, probably smarter than me, just an amazing person. The sex has caused some problems but I asked myself do I love her or do I love the sex. Once I stopped getting so pissed off about the sex, the sex life got better.

    Therapy would not be recommended unless she wants therapy and its the same for medication. She needs to feel its ok to trust you for a long time and even tho she may on the surface, deep down its still battling.

    What year med school are you? BTW i heard, they are raising the passing grade for Step 1......now that sucks
     
  17. karmen

    karmen New Member

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    abvavrg:

    Congratulations on finding somone whom you love so much.

    I've had issues in my life and I have found that many of them have lessened as I've gotten older. I'm sure that my past hurts has led me to make many mistakes and misjudgement in my adult life based on what happend in my childhood.

    Both males and females have suffered abuse either emotionally, physically, sexually or any combination of the former.

    All I can say is that if the relationship continues, you will need lots of patience to make her understand that she can be intimate with someone and not get hurt.

    I actually think it is much easier to be physically intimate with someone than it is to be mentally and spiritually intimate. To let down your barriers and expose yourself like that. To open up your soul. Wow!

    In my opinion, most women and men do not warrant THAT level of giving of one's self. However, if and when you are lucky enough to find someone who you think is worthy, you have to take a chance.

    If the relationship does come to a natural end, just do your best to leave in a friendly, graceful, positive manner. Don't add yourself to the list of hurts and disappointments in her life.

    Hugs and Kisses,

    Karmen
     
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