Girlfriend ran back to Ex out-of-the-blue

ConstantComment

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Nice... I'm the one who was unfulfilled. I'm the one that stayed thinking we could make or relationship work. I even turned down a major job promotion because she didn't want to move. And it all my fault?

God I wish you had to go through what I have and see if you feel the same way.

I would never turn down a job promotion in favor of an unmarried partner. Did you discuss this with her? I would not appreciate someone telling me after the fact "I made this sacrifice for you."
 

At.your.cervix

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Viper. First my sympathy towards you; breaking off of a long term relationship is almost always devastating. But now that I've said this (which I absolutely meant), I have some thoughts which might be hard to read. On rare occaisions, when a partner is feeling dissatisfied in a relationship, there might not be any real hints of that dissatisfication. This is most common when that person exhibits some degree of sociopathic tendencies--somebody who can be charming and decietful while feeling little to no empathy towards those who they are dealing with. I'm not so sure that this fits your ex-girfriend, from your description, although it might.

More frequently, a partner might feel dissasfied in a relationship, and thus be looking elsewhere, while only letting out the most subtle of signals. This is often due out of a desire not to hurt their partner and avoid any sort of confrontation from that disclosure. Unfortunately, this tactic towards interpersonal tension resolution only masks the problem, often leading to a more drastic unhappy resolution, such as ending the relationship.

This is where you, their partner, comes in. If your girlfriend wasn't always open and quick to share her likes and dislikes, you needed to be aware that those feelings still existed within her, despite her guarded candor. You needed to be both more probative, in an empathic manner, as well as be more open and sharing of your own feelings with her, so that she could feel more at ease with sharing her thoughts which she might be afraid of sharing with you. Yes that's quite tough to pull off, but it's often necessary to maintain a healthy long term relationship. If you talk with any truly happy long term couple about it, they will tell you that maintaining a relational atmsophere where each partner can share their fears and desires is crucial to the survival of that happy relationship.

I often point friends who have gone through what you're going through to read about Altman and Taylor's Social Penetration Theory, to gain some insights into how disclosure and our comfort in disclosing our deep feelings works to both make a relationship as well as make us pine for something beyond the relationship which were are in. That might be hard for you to do right now, as you're likely in a bad state, but after a bit, do a bit of reading about their theory (there's a nice discussion of it for laymen in Em Griffin's A First Look at Communication Theory) will likely provide you with some good personal insights. Beyond that, I strongly doubt that anything between the sheets led your ex to leave you for another--especially since you were able to provide her with erotic pleasure--but almost always the personal dynamics outside of the bedroom define the dynamics within the bedroom.

All of that said, every romance, and especially every break-up, can lead you to even greater happiness in your next relationship, if you learn from what worked and what didn't in the preceeding one. My best to you with that thought.
 
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Viper73

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I had an appointment with my doctor this morning. Turns out that my intense feelings were caused by a mix of testosterone, adrenalin and cortisol.

Normally, my testosterone levels are just above the high end of normal - have always been that way. The stress from the breakup spiked my cortisol through the roof and her running back to her ex spiked the adrenalin from anger.

That cocktail basically has the same effect as roid-rage does with bodybuilders that illegally supplement. In my case things just happened to spike simultaneously to the right proportions to trigger the intense primal urges.

He said that when I tried to whack out a load, that naturally just pushed my already high testosterone levels even further through the roof. Cortisol and adrenaline block the feel good hormones of sex that eases horniness. Which made it much worse.

He was very surprised that I was even able to control myself enough to not get hurt or hurt someone else. At this point he wants me to come back in a week for more bloodwork but said if things drop like they should I'll be perfectly fine.

Contrary to what has been suggested on here he said 100% that I'm not crazy... He said if he injected someone (no matter how 'normal) with those hormones at the levels I had they would feel the same exact way.
 

Viper73

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I would never turn down a job promotion in favor of an unmarried partner. Did you discuss this with her? I would not appreciate someone telling me after the fact "I made this sacrifice for you."

In answer to the question, yes she knew... We discussed it at length. I had gotten her an engagement ring that she was going to get later this month on her birthday.
 

helgaleena

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In answer to the question, yes she knew... We discussed it at length. I had gotten her an engagement ring that she was going to get later this month on her birthday.


Boy did you dodge a bullet, viper! It seems that even when this woman discusses a thing at length, she still did not know her own mind very well. Hope you can refund the ring, or if not, keep it and have it re-sized for the right lucky woman in future.
 

ConstantComment

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In answer to the question, yes she knew... We discussed it at length. I had gotten her an engagement ring that she was going to get later this month on her birthday.


****I was getting frustraited but came to accept that that was just one of her hangups and that I had to deal with it one way or another. I dropped the subject entirely. A buddy of mine and I found a solution to that problem since he was having the same thing at home so it was pretty much not going to be an issue any longer.****

And despite this, you were ready to marry her?
 

Sklar

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****I was getting frustraited but came to accept that that was just one of her hangups and that I had to deal with it one way or another. I dropped the subject entirely. A buddy of mine and I found a solution to that problem since he was having the same thing at home so it was pretty much not going to be an issue any longer.****

And despite this, you were ready to marry her?

It's amazing the things we are willing to compromise on or just be willing to endure for the ones we love.

Sklar
 

B_crackoff

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****I was getting frustraited but came to accept that that was just one of her hangups and that I had to deal with it one way or another. I dropped the subject entirely. A buddy of mine and I found a solution to that problem since he was having the same thing at home so it was pretty much not going to be an issue any longer.****

And despite this, you were ready to marry her?

I hate to say it CC, but he's 38. Most men at some point decide that it's better to settle down with ANY woman that they get on with rather than stressing themselves out trying to prowl around for MRS Right.

Most men have very low expectations of personal happiness vis-a-vis family life compared to women. They just want someone who is kind & nice & doesn't shout at them a lot!:smile:

They may have dreams of one room in the house, or an outbuilding that they can call their own that isn't feminized to death, but many will quietly acquiesce, & tough it out, savouring the few moments of solitary masculinity available to them , in the one room that they can - the toilet.

At least there aren't any cushions in there!:tongue:
 

blaquehorse

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Let her go. Good riddance! You will find someone better. If he left her before, i'm sure he will leave her again.
The question is; will you take her back when she comes begging?
 

TheRob

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from what I gather she's a slut
your good to be rid of her
tho it probubly feels bad now, think how much money you'll save at Christmas
 

Viper73

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TheRob,

Your post just made my week! :)
I actually was able to take the ring back and just had to pay like $100 restocking fee or something like that.

Actually, to update everyone, things in my world are starting to lookup. Broke down a tried one of the computer dating sites (always swore I'd never do that). It actually found someone with my interests, who's funny, attractive and intelligent just a few miles from where I live.

By sheer fate, my buddy mentioned that his wife knew someone who'd be perfect for me... Turns out it's the same person!

Her and I have chatted online a few times and on the phone. We're currently planning on going out on our first date this weekend. She's recently out of the marriage from hell and has the same goals and desires as me.

Maybe all of this was totally for the best. Plus this new gal has a 10 year old son. I love kids but all of my past ex's had no interest in them. It's like I may have found 'the one'. Sorry for being somewhat giddy, but considering where this started and where I am now it's been one hell of a two-week ride.
 
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B_crackoff

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Sorry for being somewhat giddy, but considering where this started and where I am now it's been one hell of a two-week ride.

Take a deep breath, slow down, & don't rush at it! You might very well overwhelm her & push her away:smile:

You sound a bit like a teen who's been asked to the prom by the cutest girl in school - so you may well be like a dog with 2 dicks around her:biggrin1:

Moderate your expectations - & try to sort out at the start exactly how much or how little either of you is going to go on about their ex. I suggest you say as little as possible. You're trying to build a new relationship, so concentrate on yourselves, your interests & aspirations - keep the past behind a door.

Otherwise - HIGH 5. Nice work fella!
 

dolfette

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you've never met her, you broke up with your long term gf days ago, and you're thinking about her being the one and having kids.

ok!
 

helgaleena

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Whoah there pardner, you are on the rebound! Do not be surprised if this great new gal has some flaws, and beware the jealous kid syndrome, where nobody's ever going to be good enough for his mom. Otherwise, good luck in your moving on with life.
 

Viper73

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I know I need to take this one step at a time and not get the cart before the horse. But I'm in such a much better place than I was a little over a week ago.

As far as I'm concerned, my Ex and that relationship are a closed chapter in my life and it can stay that way. The new gal and I have both agreed that since we can't rewrite history neither of us are interested in each others past so those doors are staying closed.

Were both going to take this one step at a time and move forward with getting to know each other.

Her son does concern me but since kids in general seem to love me I figured that he may come around in his own time. He hasn't met me yet and I'm not going to try and force a relationship.