Girlfriend's sexual past

[Apex381]

wow I was being petty, I really needed this jolt of reality.

Thx ppl

 

[DC_DEEP]

wow I was being petty, I really needed this jolt of reality.

Thx ppl

Apex, you weren't being petty. Your post came across to me as a mix of several incompatible concepts.

The bottom line is, if you want her to be open and honest with you, you can't get angry with her. But it would be good to clear the air, and have a nice long talk, let her get it all out of her system - and out in the open. After that, she shouldn't keep bringing up little things here and there. That would not be fair to you. And if her past really does bother you now, chances are it will in the future, even if she remains faithful to you from here on out. That would not be fair to her.

Just some things to think about.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

I'm glad you took it as a jolt of reality apex, you said i came across as hostile but i think advice is only of any help if it's real

 

[Yummy]

Try looking at it from her point of view - you're probably having much better sex than she's having right now, even if she's teaching you. Glad to see that other people are bringing you around to a more rational point of view though.

 

[zaza]

Let me guess....you haven't asked her to stop talking about it. Maybe she's being brutally honest with you because she doesn't want to keep secrets from you. Would you want her to lie to you?

If you asked her to stop talking about it, she hasn't, and you feel she's being mean about it, then she's not someone you want to spend time with anyway. If you haven't asked already, then do so. Just know that she'll be more likely to keep things from you after this because she'll be afraid of hurting your feelings. Are you sure you want that?

I think this could be a very important point. If you are going to put her past firmly in the past, she has to too.

 

[hardw1ck]

Apex, your feelings may come from your own insecurity. Perhaps worry about your value or sexual performance. Perhaps it's also an over-idealised view of women from your upbringing.

Anyway, it's not rational. I do empathise though.

Feel a similar way myself and am so cross about my own stupid may of looking at it. I recognise the intellectual analysis that sexual history doesn't necessarily have any importance. Maybe it's a religious upbringing that stresses chastity/ pureness/ innocence as female virtues and talks only of extremes of madonna/ virgin types and harlots/ whores.

Simple thing is, if you have a good, close emotional relationship value it. Don't lose it. Go to therapy if your daily thoughts persist - cos it's only gonna be worse with the next girl you fall in love with who has slept with more, had more abortions, had a threesome, been raped, done S&M, done a fair bit of anal sex, whatever whatever....

 

[Apex381]

Try looking at it from her point of view - you're probably having much better sex than she's having right now, even if she's teaching you. Glad to see that other people are bringing you around to a more rational point of view though.

We've been having sex for over a year now (I'm sorry if I was unclear on that). The one thing I do NOT worry about is my sexual performance! We have a great sex life and she never had to teach me anything (I did some studying before hand). I do know I'm the only guy she's been with who actually cared about her enjoying sex, and lasted over 10 minutes. If anything I've had to show her some things because I dont think she really talked about sex or communicated with her past lovers. It has actually made me feel alot better that she's not an "expert". I certainly encourage her to tell me what she likes and so far the actuall sex has been great!

 

[OmahaBeef]

Some of you folks need to quit busting the guy's balls here...

Apex...

Every person has an inner-compass about the type of person they want to commit themselves to. When you are younger and more inexperienced with life, love, and sex...that compass goes back and forth and is unsteady. One second, that compass tells you to steer away from a person, the next the compass tells you to move forth.

It is an inherent instinct for a person to want a partner who they feel is reliable to act in a decent manner in intimate situations. Why? Because an emotional, sexual, and perhaps matrimonial and parental commitment to somebody should come with the strongest garantee that the person will be of sound mind, body, and character. Without truly KNOWING what kind of person they truly are, its hard at times to accept things like sexual pasts.

On the other hand: People fuck. This is one of our main purposes in life. To fuck and create more humans. The sex drive is a powerful one...very powerful. You need to understand that unless someone makes a strong commitment to themselves to stay celibate, they will not likely be celibate.

Listen carefully:

It is NOT about how many dicks have been in this girl. What it IS about is if she is proven to have strong character, an ability to put commitment before self, right before wrong, and TO MAKE REASONABLE, WELL-THOUGHT OUT DECISIONS. If she is severely lacking in any of these, it is a detriment to the relationship in due time anyway.

I recommend that you evaluate her character, inner-strength, her convictions, her goals in life, and her overall ability to be tolerable in general before you cast stones at something like sex.

Believe me when I tell you: I have met women who have been with MANY guys, who I would trust long before I would trust a few women I know who are relatively inexperienced.

...OB

 

[handcuffsfan4]

i realy dont understand why people say "the past is in the past". because in reality what happened in the past can affect what will happen in the future. if you wait for the right person then that is what you will do. but if you say lets have fun then what happens when you want to settle down? it would be alot easier to go back to just having fun. but whats realy ironic is that these people who say that he is wrong for judging his girlfriend are in fact judging him. even though the bible says that judging is god's job, its realy human nature to judge people and things. you thinking that your girlfriend is a slut is your opinion and its hard to change it. personaly i think that slutty girls are hot especialy because i choose to wait like you did. its realy exciting to know that a girl with much more expierence chooses you out of all of the people she went out with before. its like shes had so many other guys but you are the one that she picks.

 

[Dorset]

You say she talks of marriage, what about you. Is this really what you want? Is this niggling doubt really about her past, or is it just an excuse?

I think this is a good point the hasn't been answered yet. From my personal experience this kind of thing is very common. Maybe you're just a bit scared about how fast the relationship is moving. Are you just scared of being hurt?

I wouldn't go beating yourself up over it, you'll mature and become better at dealing with it but you have to accept that being jealous is OK, everyone does it, we all get jealous and suspicious but you have to learn to deal with it, most of it is your mind playing tricks on you, it isn't real!!

Just like getting scared after watching a horror movie, there's no shame in it but you know those creeks you're hearing upstairs aren't an axe murderer, it's your imagination. Your girlfriend isn't thinking about shagging around town but now you're in love with this woman your mind is imagining she will because it's the thing your mind fears most.

 

[B_horribleperson]

your gf is a total wwhore and she didnt have sex with just 3 of them she fucked them all and im sure she fucked a few other guys she is not telling you about

 

[Boondocksaints]

Uhmm... 3 partners by the age of 22 for a girl is not a lot at all.

JK.. she's a whore.

 

[Belly_Dancer]

All right. This thread hits close to home. I definitely would have gotten involved earlier, had I taken a closer look at it.

News flash; They're one and the same person. Your need to separate the two is typically how many try to label sexual activity as "good" or "bad," depending on who performed the act and how often.

MB, I love you.

She's matured over the course of our relationship and so have I. The issue of her being a former slut was never really a problem.

Before I say anything, Nitrofiend, I think for the most part your attitude is awesome. I'm not criticizing you in particular, but I think a few of your statements are worthy of closer consideration, just because they are so revealing about attitudes in our society, even among people as open minded and accepting as you are toward your GF.

1) About the statement that she's matured over the course of your relationship -- maybe you're not saying what I think you are. But if you're referring to her sexuality:

Does the fact that she was promiscuous indicate that she was also immature? Does promiscuity always = immaturity? Can't a "mature" woman have a lot of partners, if she wants to? IMO, maturity and promiscuity have nothing to do with each other. I'm a mature woman (I'm talking about mental and emotional maturity, not about my age). And although I'm not choosing to sleep with multiple partners, I don't think I would be any less mature if I did choose to live my life that way.

2) "Former Slut." This choice of words is really interesting to me. Is she no longer a slut because she's now fucking only you, instead of multiple partners?

Here it is, people, gloves off:

I'm a slut, and proud of it! I don't think the term slut is derogatory.

To me, "slut" simply means I've made sexual choices based on what I wanted to do, and not what I believed others expected of me. I've allowed my powerful sexuality free reign, and that doesn't make me a lesser person, or weak-willed, or bad relationship material. I'm just one element of the wide spectrum of sexual personalities out there.

I'm currently in a fantastic relationship, but that doesn't make me any less of a slut! If anything, it makes me more of a slut, because I will do absolutely anything this man wants, at any time of the night or day, and fucking love it!

I'm his slut, and I we are both very happy with the arrangement. BTW he is also a total slut (by my definition), and I love him all the more for it.

I have a colorful past and some hard-core kinky preferences. Those characteristics don't make me any better or worse than anyone else.

Now, having said all this, I want to make it perfectly clear that I don't at all denigrate those who choose a less sexually diverse lifestyle. If that is what a person truly wants, then I exalt that too!

Here's a challenge. Show me another teenage guy who's been with a teenage girl with a history as extensive, or even more so, as my girlfriend's history. 'Got one?

LOL every (teenage) guy I slept with from when I was 17 onward...:wink:

Maybe she's being brutally honest with you because she doesn't want to keep secrets from you...Just know that she'll be more likely to keep things from you after this because she'll be afraid of hurting your feelings. Are you sure you want that?

I see the OP already took this to heart, but I still want to comment.

A lot of what went wrong in TM's and my marriage was his discomfort with aspects of my sexuality. He made every effort to be accepting, but at some deep, visceral level, he was threatened by my experience and urges and couldn't get past those feelings. If your GF truly is telling you this stuff to keep things honest, you may want to think long and hard about your feelings in this area. If it truly bothers you, and you can't get past it...you may seriously want to consider being with someone else.

Your discomfort with her sexuality can drive a wedge between you over time. Trust me.

I recognise the intellectual analysis that sexual history doesn't necessarily have any importance. Maybe it's a religious upbringing that stresses chastity/ pureness/ innocence as female virtues and talks only of extremes of madonna/ virgin types and harlots/ whores.

I just included this quote because it so expresses what I've been through.

One picture in my gallery says, "Good Girls Do." I was raised as a Southern Baptist, and you have no idea what it's taken for me to get to my present level of self-acceptance.

I'm one of the kindest, most giving people I know, and trust me, my sexuality is mega-powerful and does not fit in the "neat little box" defined by society and religion.

And I am beyond thrilled to finally be with someone of like mind, who loves and appreciates me for who I am, not in spite of who I am.

Believe me when I tell you: I have met women who have been with MANY guys, who I would trust long before I would trust a few women I know who are relatively inexperienced.

Very astute observation, OB. You are dead-on in your assessment that sexual experience and trustworthiness are separate issues that can occur in different combinations in different people.

your gf is a total wwhore and she didnt have sex with just 3 of them she fucked them all and im sure she fucked a few other guys she is not telling you about

Horribleperson: Not funny. And if you're serious, then you're a total asshole...and not the lovable kind. :fuckyou:

 

[Knight Attrition]

Horribleperson: Not funny. And if you're serious, then you're a total asshole...and not the lovable kind. :fuckyou:

I think thats why his screen name is Horribleperson because he is, in fact, a horrible person

 

[Pirate Wench]

HollyBlue:

Having grown up in Texas, I am more than familiar with the Southern Baptist mindset....
Not because it was mine (I'm protestant, but not Baptist)....but because it was my Ex mother-in-law's religion.

I always wanted to put a bumpersticker on her car:

"The main problem with Baptists is -
They don't hold them under long enough."

LOL



Thought your answers were excellent for this thread's original subject.

I don't know of anything to add for advice.

 

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

get over the insecurity now!!! you have an experienced woman,and that's a great thing,think about it,the more experience the better the sex..
it's a huge turn-off to women if a man's insecure about stuff like that(i lost a few great ones that way)if you haven't been told this by other members on this site already do it now,if she wants just you then my man..fuck the past..true freaks are hard to find!!!(lol)especially ones that are faithful!!! it's a blessing in the bed room that you've got..i never understood why guys are upset by sexually open women.man,you are lucky...take my word and everybody else and go with the muthafuckin' flow!!! -PEACE!!! fuck worrying about the next man/men it's you she's into!

 

[Corius]

This thread shouldn't die; it has raised so many issues that so many seem to ignore.
---Only on a site such as this would I ever discuss the history of my sexual activity in the past. Sex should always be personal--no person ought ever be viewed as something to be used--and, sex between two persons ought is something they shared that no one else has any business being concerned about; sex is private.
---casual sex provides relief but little in the way of lasting satisfaction; nor does it do much to create the emotional bonds which bind us to one another. In short, it is the worst possible first step if one's goal is to find true love.
---None of us brings to any relationship anything that approaches purity; most of us have sins in thought, word, and deed enough to scare ourselves, if we are honest, and others if they are judgemental. Moral: don't ever bring your past triumphs, conquests, sexual deeds and misdeeds into a present relationship.
---If you have past sins, keep them in quiet memory to yourself; don't inflict them on a partner. If your partner needs for some reason to confess past sins to you, be quick to forgive and add that you need his/her forgiveness as well. Start with a slate wiped clean.
---Our complex sexuality is a gift to us and is meant for our good. Whatever our individual sexual orientation we do well to seek to understand it and to employ it to the good of ourselves and our partner.
The trouble comes when we misuse the gift, when we violate the trust and commitment which must exist between partners.
---When we make sexual decisions we ought always to be on guard against those decisions which cause hurt to ourselves, to our partners, our family and others.
---And when we fail, as happens, we ought to ask what we have learned from our failure and dedicate ourselves to avoiding repeating the mistakes that have brought us grief.

 

[Nitrofiend]

Before I say anything, Nitrofiend, I think for the most part your attitude is awesome. I'm not criticizing you in particular, but I think a few of your statements are worthy of closer consideration, just because they are so revealing about attitudes in our society, even among people as open minded and accepting as you are toward your GF.

1) About the statement that she's matured over the course of your relationship -- maybe you're not saying what I think you are. But if you're referring to her sexuality:

Does the fact that she was promiscuous indicate that she was also immature? Does promiscuity always = immaturity? Can't a "mature" woman have a lot of partners, if she wants to? IMO, maturity and promiscuity have nothing to do with each other. I'm a mature woman (I'm talking about mental and emotional maturity, not about my age). And although I'm not choosing to sleep with multiple partners, I don't think I would be any less mature if I did choose to live my life that way.

2) "Former Slut." This choice of words is really interesting to me. Is she no longer a slut because she's now fucking only you, instead of multiple partners?

Here it is, people, gloves off:

I'm a slut, and proud of it! I don't think the term slut is derogatory.

To me, "slut" simply means I've made sexual choices based on what I wanted to do, and not what I believed others expected of me. I've allowed my powerful sexuality free reign, and that doesn't make me a lesser person, or weak-willed, or bad relationship material. I'm just one element of the wide spectrum of sexual personalities out there.

I'm currently in a fantastic relationship, but that doesn't make me any less of a slut! If anything, it makes me more of a slut, because I will do absolutely anything this man wants, at any time of the night or day, and fucking love it!

I'm his slut, and I we are both very happy with the arrangement. BTW he is also a total slut (by my definition), and I love him all the more for it.

I have a colorful past and some hard-core kinky preferences. Those characteristics don't make me any better or worse than anyone else.

Now, having said all this, I want to make it perfectly clear that I don't at all denigrate those who choose a less sexually diverse lifestyle. If that is what a person truly wants, then I exalt that too!

Oh no, I agree. But see, I was indeed using slut in regards to her promiscuity, speed at which she was moving from partner to partner (with little differentiation between them), and even being passed around between a few of them in one session. When I started hanging out with her, she was just then starting to get a grip on herself. She was hurt. I never judged her, she took almost every precaution she could...and yes, a couple of incidents were out of her control. But she doesn't regret her experiences because they made her the experienced young woman she is today. She's wise well beyond her years.

Hollyblue, you use slut in a different sense. If that's how you use the word, then yes, she is 100% my slut, lol. Both of us have gone to places kinkier than ever before together, hehe. It's a result of the intense intimacy and trust between us.

Though FYI, the word slut to her brings back very painful memories if not used in the bedroom. I joke to her about it and she takes it in stride (like the majority of my pokes), but if someone were to come out and say it, and mean it, then I believe she'd be very hurt.

 

[Ed69]

Oh no, I agree. But see, I was indeed using slut in regards to her promiscuity, speed at which she was moving from partner to partner (with little differentiation between them), and even being passed around between a few of them in one session. When I started hanging out with her, she was just then starting to get a grip on herself. She was hurt. I never judged her, she took almost every precaution she could...and yes, a couple of incidents were out of her control. But she doesn't regret her experiences because they made her the experienced young woman she is today. She's wise well beyond her years.

Hollyblue, you use slut in a different sense. If that's how you use the word, then yes, she is 100% my slut, lol. Both of us have gone to places kinkier than ever before together, hehe. It's a result of the intense intimacy and trust between us.

Though FYI, the word slut to her brings back very painful memories if not used in the bedroom. I joke to her about it and she takes it in stride (like the majority of my pokes), but if someone were to come out and say it, and mean it, then I believe she'd be very hurt.

Sounds to me like you are getting a better handle on this situation and thats good.Enjoy the wild woman who has given herself to you.My wife also had several partners before me,and learned along the way.When she asks for something new I don't worry about where she got the idea.I just run with it and we have a great time.I love the fact she's my cock whore and always trying for a feel.The other boys mean nothing,16 years and counting,she's still all mine!Run with it man you won't regret it!

 

[BillyD]

You are 20 or early 20's, dont be thinking about marriage just yet. And dont hold the past against someone you care for.