girls trying to impress girls they don't like

[OPPinSLC]

My girlfriend is in a book club, there is one girl in the book club she doesn't like very much, but it always seems to me she tries to impress this girl, making good food, even re-decorating a little bit (new chairs for the apartment). Is trying to impress someone they don't like very much a girl thing or just my girlfriend?

 

[petite]

There's a another motivation that might come into play. It's possible that the reason why she does those things is because she doesn't want to be criticized by that woman, especially to the women who she does care about. I don't care if someone doesn't like me or if I don't like someone. I do care if someone who doesn't like me tries to convince people that I do like and who like me back that they shouldn't like me, too. That's the kind of thing that makes a person unhappy. It's a kind of social bullying. I've been there. Usually the reason why I dislike someone is because they're unfairly judgmental, but since I hate conflict, I might seek to avoid being the next target of attack, especially if I have to be around that person in order to also socialize with the people that I enjoy spending time with. Everyone has different coping mechanisms for dealing with different difficult personalities and for her it might be easier overall to be unworthy of criticism than it would be to deal with whatever consequences would follow if she was picked on and there was conflict, or stop going to the book club, which are really her only three options.

 

[_Jonesy]

I thought it was competition.

Trying to out-do the woman they don't like.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I don't understand women. I have never pretended to nor do I intend to fully understand their motives behind their behavior. I'd rather not be treated like shit when the weird ones have emotions they can't cope with. Nothing I hate more than women who are bitchy because they are jealous. Only a few of them come to mind in my experience here. They tend to show up in threads I create to bitch about them. Little do they know that we are apples and oranges and there are plenty of dicks around here for everyone.

 

[Patchos]

Its just your girlfriend

 

[B_Hickboy]

You really don't have to care what others think. If your friends would think less of you because of what someone who doesn't like you says about you, then they're not your friends either.

 

[petite]

You really don't have to care what others think. If your friends would think less of you because of what someone who doesn't like you says about you, then they're not your friends either.

This is true.

However, a person might be completely convinced that if things came down to metaphorical blows that her friends would still be her friends in the end and still not have the desire to actually go through with the fight because that might make her miserable. Fighting is exhausting. It turns your life to shit. It's Drama with a capital D. No thank you.

While I've had the opportunity to discover who was really my friend, I wouldn't invite problems like that. The turmoil wasn't worth the fight. If I could go back, I would have figured out a way to avoid those conflicts.

It's easy to give advice about cutting people out of your life (not that you were saying that, but that is sometimes the end result, so I bring it up) but it's actually really hard to do. Sometimes you just have to put up with people and figure out how to coexist if you don't want to isolate yourself.

I agree with MR. People make social situations a lot more complicated than they need to be. I'm a simple person. I just want to spend time with people I like and sometimes I like them enough to put up with people who aren't easy to deal with.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Eh. I won't say that it's "just" your girlfriend, but I also don't feel that it's a majority of the emotionally stable female sex either. Generally speaking, if I don't like you then I don't care what you think about me, I don't care what you say to others about me, I generally don't partake in the same activities you partake in, and I don't bother investing any time, thought, or effort into affecting your thoughts and feelings about me. Life is too short.

 

[B_Nia88]

it is the same when we dress we don't do it for men but for other women

 

[ManlyBanisters]

it is the same when we dress we don't do it for men but for other women

Speak for yourself, Nia - I dress for me.

 

[D_Olga Steponyatova]

it is the same when we dress we don't do it for men but for other women

I think dress wear is slightly more contextual than that.


To the OP: Is it possible your girlfriend feels that she's simply over-scrutinized by the other girl, so she goes out of her way to do things so she won't be nit-picked?

 

[petite]

it is the same when we dress we don't do it for men but for other women

I know many women who are completely apathetic about clothes.

I've never felt much pressure from other women to dress any particular way, not socially, but I agree with the idea that if a woman wants someone to notice her clothing, other women are more likely to be appreciative of one's clothing or style, especially one's own friends, than most straight men will be. I know many bisexual and gay men who are much more opinionated about women's clothing than most of my female friends.

When I was younger, my two best friends and I each dressed much differently from one another. One of my friends loved re-purposing vintage finds and she was the one most likely to wear a broach, although in an unexpected and clever way, or anything containing lace. The other one preferred to dress in a modern and sleek style. Her clothes rarely had any adornments and if they did, it was a single distinctive piece. I cannot think of two people whose styles could be more diametrically opposed, but one would not think to dress like the other, yet each of us had an appreciation for the others' sense of style that was greater than any of us could expect from a paramour.

 

[someone1]

from my obviously vast experiance of women (sarcasm btw) they are even more competetive than guys

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

You may completely disagree or call me names for thinking this but I bring it back to instinct.

Men would bash each others head in if they thought there was any competition and women being physcially not as strong found different ways of dealing with competition and this usually involves gossipping and verbal bullying so the bully remains the one object of desire.

A different tactic is having an ugly or obese "girlfriend" around so it would always be clear who the princess in the room is.

but it comes down to survival, increasing the odds that the best mates choose them over other females and making other potential mates undesirable for men.

This theory makes the most sense to me as the same behaviour is found in other primates.

 

[petite]

^ I don't even know where to begin...

 

[LaFemme]

There's a another motivation that might come into play. It's possible that the reason why she does those things is because she doesn't want to be criticized by that woman, especially to the women who she does care about. I don't care if someone doesn't like me or if I don't like someone. I do care if someone who doesn't like me tries to convince people that I do like and who like me back that they shouldn't like me, too. That's the kind of thing that makes a person unhappy. It's a kind of social bullying. I've been there. Usually the reason why I dislike someone is because they're unfairly judgmental, but since I hate conflict, I might seek to avoid being the next target of attack, especially if I have to be around that person in order to also socialize with the people that I enjoy spending time with. Everyone has different coping mechanisms for dealing with different difficult personalities and for her it might be easier overall to be unworthy of criticism than it would be to deal with whatever consequences would follow if she was picked on and there was conflict, or stop going to the book club, which are really her only three options.

This kind of thing has been my experience. Personally, I wouldn't have someone like that in my home, but there are times when it's unavoidable for professional purposes. My friends know me and can't be affected, but the professional well can always be poisoned. An unwashed dish, a dusty shelf, medications left in the bathroom cabinet - argh, next thing you know rumours abound and your crediblity has taken a hit. So much easier to make sure everything is movie set ready.

I wish it weren't so, but I learned the hard way that there are those who will use any personal information, including what they find while they enjoy coffee in your home, against you at work just to advance themselves.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

^ I don't even know where to begin...

No you don't

 

[SprinkleMe69]

It's just a book CLUB. Emphasis club.

 

[cofrader]

Girls

WhiteMonst3r

I think the same way. for most of the woman

OP: your girl is like many.

 

[petite]

For the record, I have never befriended someone I felt was "ugly" or "obese" because I thought it improved my ability to find a boyfriend.

Believe it or not, my friendships with other women have nothing to do with finding a boyfriend. Shocking to imagine, but there are entire areas of my life that have nothing to do with men.

Furthermore, mentioning that "idea" is irrelevant to why the OP's girlfriend appears to be trying to please someone whom she claims to dislike. What are you implying? That's she's the ugly girl? Is the disliked girl actually the ugly girl? Who is the ugly girl in this scenario? And if girls want an ugly girl around, wouldn't they actually be really nice to her since being mean to someone doesn't make them want to stay your friend? None of that made any sense.

If this was true, then wouldn't the "ugliest" girl at school be the most popular one with other girls?