Gods Law Dammit!

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by shad24, Jun 13, 2006.

  1. shad24

    shad24 New Member

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    Dear President Bush

    Thank you for doing so much to educating people regarding Gods laws. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "In the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman" I try and share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Lev. 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of Gods laws and how to follow them.

    Lev. 25:44 States that I may possess slaves. Both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A freind of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadiens. Can you clarify? Why cant I own Canadiens?
    I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:17. In this day and age what do you think would be a good asking price for her?
    I know I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness- Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
    When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord- Lev. 1:9. The problem is with my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
    I have a neighbor who insists on working on the sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill himself or should I ask the police to do it?
    A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination- Lev.11:10, It is a lesser sin than homosexuality. I dont agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abmonination?
    Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my vision. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there any wiggle room here?
    Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around there temples even though Lev.19:27 expressly forbids this..... How should they die?
    I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, But may I still play footbal if I wear gloves?
    My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting 2 different crops in the same field. As does his wife by wearing garments of 2 different threads (cotton/ polyster blends) He also tends to curse and blasphemies alot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16 Couldnt we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who s;eep with their inlaws? Lev. 20:14
    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
    Thank you again for reminding us that Gods word is eternal and unchanging
     
  2. SpeedoGuy

    Gold Member

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    Hey man,

    I speak for God. Me. Not you, Bush or anyone else.

    Got it? Good.
     
  3. Matthew

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    Ha ha, you know they can't handle the truth, Shad.
     
  4. shad24

    shad24 New Member

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    Let the smitin begin!
     
  5. rhino_horn

    rhino_horn New Member

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    ...bush reads a wordless illustrated bible, with chuck norris(in his DELTA FORCE OUTFIT) as jesus.
     
  6. findfirefox

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    Oh, this is good.
     
  7. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Wait...I have to go learn Aramaic. I'll respond to this post in a year or so.
     
  8. mindseye

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    I know this was a joke, but I thought I'd follow up with some interesting material on Leviticus 18:22, which is often cited in an English translation.

    Wikipedia has a great summary of the entire chapter, and discusses the context in which 18:22 arises -- taken fully in context, there's some ambiguity as to exactly what is being prohibited in 18:22.

    This site examines the original Greek and Hebrew texts of Leviticus and makes a reasonably sound case that the verse does not prohibit all homosexuality, but only homosexual activity by married men (in other words, infidelity).
     
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