Going to end it but having trouble doing so...

[redz_rule]

are you fucking mental???

you think that maybe, in the event of her bursting into tears, it would be best to ensure an audience??

her place, you bloody muppet. her place so that, if she's really upset, she can either be alone or phone a buddy. her place so that she is not faced with a journey home looking and feeling like utter shit.

sheesh!

Please listen to Dolfette - she has given you good advice

 

[B_crackoff]

Hey at least I never even considered text message like some people have!

I got dumped by a one night stand by text - I thought - why bother - what relationship - I already got mine ta!:smile:

Well if I did face to face, then a public place or a private place?

I can see your reasoning - women do this to men! They know that men are more likely not to cause a scene in public - & they can always make a quick get away with the help of onlookers.

These conventions do not apply the other way around.:biggrin1: It's a coward's way out really after 7 months. A week, a month yes, but not 3 months up.

hand written letter with you in the next room.
if you can't do it face to face.

This doesn't work - at least on men -I had it done to me. I literally reread a letter from years ago yesterday - it might be construed as a cry for help - it didn't end my relationship - & I've had loads of letters over the years - all saying the same things - I keep them to remind me not to throw in my lot financially with a woman ever again!

her place, you bloody muppet. her place so that, if she's really upset, she can either be alone or phone a buddy. her place so that she is not faced with a journey home looking and feeling like utter shit.

sheesh!

That was very good advice!

It sounds to me that the OP still genuinely has a lot of care for this woman - but things have tailed off a lot on her side, which has made him want to split.

Have you considered saying to her "Look, we need to talk about our relationship & what we both want".? From this point do not let her escape of evade, but just make her comfortable. Because you are so close to dumping her, tell her how you feel; tell her what you want from a relationship, & tell her how what is happening currently, just isn't working for you. Ask her if you are doing something wrong because she isn't as intimate with you as you would like.

Ask her what she wants & how she feels, & then TOGETHER decide if this situation is something that you can rectify.

Honestly - this is the way to do it. You care about her mate - & you still might get better mileage, or even a proper future together this way. If it becomes apparent that you're not going to see any improvement - you can STEER the discussion towards "Well i'm glad we've had this discussion, but I think that we can both can see that we're probably after different things. I like & care for you a lot - but this isn't going to work out is it?

In summary - talk to her - at her place - about your relationship - have a deep discussion - & if you can't see anyway out, or enough changes that can be made -finish it - but you have to make it seem as much of a mutual decision as possible.

If you want out - you are doing her a favour by letting her go - honest - so have that in your mind when you see her face.

It's far better to thrash things out & give someone you care about a second chance, but you can't let this go on, because it will be harder & harder.

 

[dolfette]

but if you're sure that you want it to end then DON'T talk about the relationship. it's leaving an opening for her to do the ''i can change! we should give it one more chance!''.
if you just want to end it then just end it.

 

[B_crackoff]

Well he does say that he loves & cares for her, & it doesn't seem like they've had a proper discussion before at all. Maybe the OP should have a quick refresher on leading & steering meetings, oops,conversations!

BTW, a little caveat - those sweet little faces can often turn into the succubus from hell - no matter what you do.

I seem to remember Dolfette once saying that she'd find it hard to trust a guy that didn't get on with their ex's.

Unfortunately, I've always had relationships that were so full on - they always hated me afterwards, & even told me when I'd tested the waters, pre break up, that they'd never speak to me again. That always prolonged the agony. Those sweet little faces turned into vermicious knids, I can tell you - & there was always a scene.

Frankly, if I'd said "welcome to dumpsville, population you!" things could not have got any worse!

But that's just the women I've attracted - I'm sure that there are more reasonable people out there!

 

[dolfette]

yeah, crack, you have messed up taste in womens!
i'm not saying bestest buds with all. i'm saying on civil/friendly terms with at least one or two.

 

[Ramsey]

I'm willing to still keep in contact with her and be civil, I have a couple previous girlfriends who I still talk to and there are no issues.
I do still love this girl, but realize that it isn't the kind of love that will keep us together in 10-15 years +. There isn't the click and chemistry, we don't share a whole lot of interests. I have a feeling she may really love and care about me and there is a bit of desperation there on her part, she feels she is getting old and she wants a good guy so she found me and wants to hang on no matter what to make it work. I admire that, but if there isn't that basic chemistry, it will just end in disaster later. I'm also very flirty and sadly my sex drive is much stronger than hers and those 2 things we don't quite match up on either. That's not the biggest factor, but all the factors together.

 

[monstro]

I'm going to be blunt here and I don't intend it in any sort of disrespectful way because you seem like a good guy who has given this a lot of thought but...

If you want to break up with her, then just do it. Forgive me if I'm being presumptious, but get out of your head for just a minute and stop thinking about all the reasons why and about what the future may hold and just feel for a moment. With your heart and your gut and your balls. And if, then, you still feel it's the right move to separate then stop flattering yourself that your breaking up with her is going to destroy her. Her heart will go on. Give her some credit.

And, if on the off chance you discover you don't really want to break up with her, see if you and she can address the discontent you're obviously feeling. Maybe you just need a change in one or two of these factors you mention?

However, if you're meant to move on, then the kindest thing you can do for her is to do it. Don't keep stringing her along. Let her go so she can find the guy she's meant to be with.

 

[B_crackoff]

yeah, crack, you have messed up taste in womens!
i'm not saying bestest buds with all. i'm saying on civil/friendly terms with at least one or two.

They have to dump me for that - but they just don't seem to want to! Maybe it's because I overwhelm them with romanticism & great sex at the start, & after that, the fact that most of them don't like sooo many things that they think are inconsiderate is negated by my overall kindness, & thoughtfulness, & that makes me a paradox that simply does not compute - & literally confuses them?

I've become quite good at writing songs from a woman's point of view!:wink:

Ramsey: Have you ever watched How I Met Your Mother? All the break ups in that seem to go well, somehow!

I still think that you should have an open & honest conversation with her - maybe she's been holding back, & she just needs the key to unlock it.

If that isn't the case, tell her what your looking for, & tell her that you feel that she's just settling for you, which you're flattered by, but ultimately you think that you're both depriving each other of something better.

She might have settled for you, but if she cares for you, doesn't she think that you have the right to try & find a relationship that gives you more?

BTW, monstro may well be right too. You may well have read this completely wrongly, & she might also for all you know, think that she's doing you a favour.

In which case, it's a win-win situation. Whatever happens, if you're open & do the stand up honest thing, no one can call you on it. You will have done the right thing.

Do it, do it this weekend - & let us know! Good luck!

 

[slurper_la]

Well he does say that he loves & cares for her, & it doesn't seem like they've had a proper discussion...

I was going to agree with crackoff and say: just man up and have a conversation!...

I'm willing to still keep in contact with her and be civil, I have a couple previous girlfriends who I still talk to and there are no issues.
I do still love this girl, but realize that it isn't the kind of love that will keep us together in 10-15 years +. There isn't the click and chemistry, we don't share a whole lot of interests. I have a feeling she may really love and care about me and there is a bit of desperation there on her part, she feels she is getting old and she wants a good guy so she found me and wants to hang on no matter what to make it work. I admire that, but if there isn't that basic chemistry, it will just end in disaster later. I'm also very flirty and sadly my sex drive is much stronger than hers and those 2 things we don't quite match up on either. That's not the biggest factor, but all the factors together.

but after reading this I think not. I think you're a piece of crap and don't deserve this girl or possibly any other

.

 

[B_subgirrl]

but after reading this I think not. I think you're a piece of crap and don't deserve this girl or possibly any other

.

How would you come to that conclusion?

 

[dolfette]

How would you come to that conclusion?

projecting his own issues.

 

[Ramsey]

I was going to agree with crackoff and say: just man up and have a conversation!...



but after reading this I think not. I think you're a piece of crap and don't deserve this girl or possibly any other

.

Uh... ok. And your reasoning is...? Am I saying she's a stupid bitch behind her back but telling her "I love you" to her face? Am I whoring around behind her back? If you think I've just been "stringing her along" you're wrong, I've thought long and hard about this and tried to make it work but I'm not happy. Just because saying "sorry bitch, take a hike, this ain't goin nowhere's" isn't as easy as putting on my underwear doesn't make me an ass. Though you might be, for your gross interpretation of what I said...whatever that interpretation is.

 

[rawrg]

OP:

Breaking up isn't easy, but you owe her the courtesy of a face-to-face. She's going to feel absolutely naked (emotionally) if you aren't there.

Pick a day when you don't think she has any other plans in the near future, preferably close to the beginning of the weekend.

Go to her place. That way, when you've finished the conversation, she doesn't have to drive somewhere while she's thinking about what just happened.

Honesty is usually best. You're breaking up, so what's to lose? If you're dishonest about why you're breaking up, or if you say you just "need time" then it will only leave possibilities for the future for her to try and regain you.

If you have any of her stuff, nicely put it in a box and take it over with you, so that she doesn't have to come get it from you later.

 

[helgaleena]

Uh... ok. And your reasoning is...? Am I saying she's a stupid bitch behind her back but telling her "I love you" to her face? Am I whoring around behind her back? If you think I've just been "stringing her along" you're wrong, I've thought long and hard about this and tried to make it work but I'm not happy. Just because saying "sorry bitch, take a hike, this ain't goin nowhere's" isn't as easy as putting on my underwear doesn't make me an ass. Though you might be, for your gross interpretation of what I said...whatever that interpretation is.

I think slurper was jumping to conclusions and mistaking your compassion with some sort of harshness, for his own reasons, as dolfette said. You are trying to do this gently because you want to stay friends later. I feel the same way about former lovers ftmp, even though some of them could not manage to remain friends and thought I was cruel to expect them to be civil.

 

[monstro]

OK, I believe you, Ramsey. You're unhappy and you want to break up with this woman. Fair enough. So just do it. You said in your first post that you love and adore this woman but hey what the hell, right, it ain't working, it ain't working, your sex drives are different, there's no future. I hear you, brother.

So yeah, it's not easy for you to break up with a woman--what a great guy you are--you're struggling with it. Hold on while I break out a medal for you. Fuck you. If you want to do it, just do it. Text, phone, email, birthday card, what have you. Just do it. I fucking dare you. It's been four days since you first posted this. Break up with her. Now.

And if you can't, ask yourself why. Maybe it's not her fault.

 

[shyenglishgirl]

Ive skipped through this thread..

Man up.. You don't like her, move on.
Don't string her along, you owe her a face-face breakup!
Get the first sentence out as soon as possible so you can't change your mind. I don't think talking about the relationship is a good idea, thats just asking for a way back into the relationship

Good Luck!

 

[AlteredEgo]

Ok, so I'm sure some of you have read my posts and know that I'm not happy with my current girlfriend. I love and adore her, but we just don't click and have real chemistry. She seems dead set on staying together. She's not super clingy or obsessive, but I can tell that she is a little desperate. Not in a turn off way but I just don't feel that click now.

But every time I'm going to tell her, I freeze up. I see her face and I just get weak. I can't seem to do it to her face, who am I to crush this poor girls heart? She is sweet and like I said I really love and care about her but I don't see things lasting in the long run.

So, if I were to tell her on the phone does that make me a wuss-puss? I know it's not the best way to do it, but this is the biggest area in my life that I have problems doing-breaking up with someone.

Yes. It would make you a wuss-puss. You owe her the opportunity to go and find someone who isn't settling for her. Tell her to her face. just do it quickly, like pulling off a band-aid. Good luck.

 

[Intrigue]

Telling her over the phone is unacceptable, unless your overseas or some type of deployment. And even then I would say its best to wait for face to face. Grow a pair and tell the poor girl how ya feel. To do otherwise disrespects her AND you.

 

[D_Andy_Conda]

And if, then, you still feel it's the right move to separate then stop flattering yourself that your breaking up with her is going to destroy her. Her heart will go on. Give her some credit.

I'm in agreement here. I say this as a generalization but people can be strong than they're given credit for and WHEN you finally do end things, it might help to let her know that you do care for her, that it's not a decision you took lightly and that you know it's something she's going to come back from