hilaire,
I am sorry. I have no clue to the answers you seek. I am not Tonnie and have no way of knowing what was in his mind. All I know, I have put out for the forum in general to read...other than what I am trying not to share at the moment...which Nudeyorker and JF both know what I'm talking about. I assume the rest of the mods and admins do as well.
People do the stupidest things for good reason... mattii could have changed his IP address simply by rebooting his modem.... he didn't...
Sometimes you just have to take it on faith that people are who they say they are....
I feel so sorry for everyone who is deeply involved in this - including myself. I am much better today, but I believe that I wasn't given the whole story from Tonnie, no matter what I was told, and no matter how much I want to believe it all.
As you all know, I never knew Tonnie before he sent me a visitor message in August, complimenting my gallery. I then thanked him and that was that (thought he was very charming). From thereon, I never gave much more thought to him, other than the post in which he wrote about his love affair with a much-older priest that he had had from the ages of 15-26. That got my attention.
Well, a few weeks ago, I read the "Goodbye Tonnie" thread, and because I am such a sensitive and heartfelt person, I felt compelled to reach him by email and give him support, even though I was complete stranger. And Tonnie seemed to really like it, and and we exchanged around 13 emails in the past three weeks.
His emails to me always appeared more than sincere and genuine -- it was as if I was living right next to him, verifying it all firsthand. And what Tonnie told others on here is what he always told me, so I was never able to catch him in a lie that way (not that I was trying to). I would cry almost daily for the last few weeks because the stress I put myself when I reached out to him. I would send him info about alternative cancer treatments, to which he showed very little interest. Seemingly, it was because he was so far along with the disease that he just didn't want bothered with any treatments; he just wanted to live the rest of his days in peace and without medication. So, I dropped it.
Our emails were mainly of a sexual nature: I let Tonnie believe that I was totally gay like him, even though I don't identify as gay (which is not the issue here). I figured that I would play the fantasy to do anything to make him feel happy. He'd ask for pics of me and I'd send them, tell him to fun "wristing-off" (his famous word).
There was some talk about his large family and a few details about his life, but it was kept to pretty much to a minimum. (His dad died a few years and the other "gay" brother died in a car wreck in Germany a while back.) I know there was some issues with his brothers about being gay, for sure, even though he bragged about how the Danes are so accepting. Also, Tonnie felt "socially retarded", as he pretty much confessed to me (says he only ever slept with 7 guys in his life, and his long love affair with the priest). But, again, most of what he told me was shared on the forum. Again, no lies whatsoever.
All that said, there were a few things in his emails to me that just didn't make much sense to me. It may have been that he was lying to me because he wanted to believe that he could still run 4 miles a day with no trouble breathing, despite his advanced lung cancer, and that he could masturbate and ejaculate multiple times a day, like he used to. Tonnie would also tell me constantly how wonderful he felt and that he had
"no" symptoms at all. That, though, does not match up with what he told everyone at the beginning (constant bleeding while urinating and the coughing up blood from the lung cancer). And the groin/leg pain that led him to get diagnosed with cancer all the sudden stopped when he went running all the time in Germany these past few weeks? And also how does one get referred to an oncologist for a constant leg/groin pain with no cancer diagnosis made prior? You normally get diagnosed with cancer, and then you're referred to an oncologist. And the "Mattie" thing has me quite confused, but...
I think we all need to realize is that sometimes we just can't fully know someone online, no matter how much we are convinced we really know him or her. People can be so sweet and sincere behind the screen, and then in real life, we find out that they are anything but who they said they were. No, I'm not saying Tonnie was not the man he claimed to be, but we always have to be a bit cautious when things take place online. Yes, there were some "funny" inconsistencies throughout our three weeks, but I felt he was telling me the truth, for the most part. Did I get all the truth? I'm afraid not. Was I lied to? Probably a little. Will I ever know the whole truth. No. But it doesn't really matter anymore. It's time to let this go.
Tonnie, be at peace wherever you are.
Goodbye
That's what I meant, in a nutshell. You had the best of intentions, and I'm sure everyone here, Tonnie included, appreciate that.
