Got caught in a messy situation with friends & my open marriage — what would you do?

[cacrac1]

Hey everyone, I’d love to get some outside perspective on a situation that really messed with me.

I’ve been with my husband for many years—we’re married, have kids, and we’re in an open relationship. About a year ago we met another gay couple, also with kids. They were super sweet and we clicked instantly. We had so much in common—family, interests, lifestyle.

At first the friendship was totally platonic. We hung out a lot, had playdates with the kids, went to parties together—it was great. But slowly this weird flirtation started developing. It wasn’t clear if it was going anywhere sexual or just harmless fun.

One night I went to a party with one of them—let’s call him Dan—while my husband stayed at home with Dan’s partner, Johnny. When I came back, I found out my husband and Johnny had hooked up. At that point, I didn’t mind—we’re open, so that wasn’t the issue. What threw me off was not knowing where I stood.

The truth was, I was into both of them, especially Dan. I started dropping hints, testing the waters. But Dan was confusing. Sometimes he was super flirty, touched me, acted interested. But the moment I made a move, he would shut it down. This happened over and over, and it really messed with my head.

Later on, I found out my husband had hooked up with both of them while I wasn’t there. That really stung—not just because it happened, but because I wasn’t even part of the conversation. It left me wondering: was I unwanted, or just not around at the right moment?

Eventually I asked Dan directly, and he said he wasn’t into me. That crushed me. If that was the case, why all the mixed signals? Why not just be upfront? It felt like he was enjoying the attention and validation, but at my expense. Every time I tried to move on, he’d pull me back in with flirty behavior, only to push me away when it got too real.

I was angry with my husband too—we had a major rough patch because of it. Thankfully, we worked through it and are in a good place now. But I couldn’t keep being friends with that couple. I asked my husband to cut contact as well.

Here’s where I’m stuck:
On one hand, I’m still really hurt by the whole situation and how it was handled. On the other hand, I miss the fun we had together, and I honestly don’t think they set out to hurt me. But they did—and deeply.

So… what would you have done in my place?

 

[JackHardlong]

Wow! That sounds really tough, like a real breakup. I'm sorry that you went through that. It also seems that there were various boundaries that had been broken, to different degrees of course. Like, the initial hookup between your husband and Johnny doesn't seem so bad, but because of the way it happened it left you feeling off-balance.

Dan's push-pull behaviour towards you does seem very unfair and kinda cruel, particularly because he decided to tell you that he wasn't into you. Obviously we only know what you're telling us, but that is messed up that he would do that. I mean, how could he not know that that would be very hurtful. Is he maybe young or very inexperienced with relationships?

I do have to say, your husband hooking up with both of them sounds... god, I don't wanna say it, but I think it sounds greedy. Or at least, maybe unaware of the optics or maybe unaware of how that would affect the dynamics of the couple-couple relationship.

Question: During the relationship with the other couple, did you tell your husband that you and Dan were being flirty with each other? Or was he unaware?

 

[JackHardlong]

So… what would you have done in my place?

By the way, to answer your question, I probably would have done the exact same thing you did. Although it's possible I may never have asked Dan if he's into me, I might have just started to resent his behaviour and then ignore him, which is of course a terrible way to deal with things hahaha

 

[chrisrobin]

Its one of the things that gets in the way, sex can be ugly when it raises its head. MY advice is not to mix sex and fun together - if you get my drift.

 

[NakedBuddy]

Hey everyone, I’d love to get some outside perspective on a situation that really messed with me.

I’ve been with my husband for many years—we’re married, have kids, and we’re in an open relationship. About a year ago we met another gay couple, also with kids. They were super sweet and we clicked instantly. We had so much in common—family, interests, lifestyle.

At first the friendship was totally platonic. We hung out a lot, had playdates with the kids, went to parties together—it was great. But slowly this weird flirtation started developing. It wasn’t clear if it was going anywhere sexual or just harmless fun.

One night I went to a party with one of them—let’s call him Dan—while my husband stayed at home with Dan’s partner, Johnny. When I came back, I found out my husband and Johnny had hooked up. At that point, I didn’t mind—we’re open, so that wasn’t the issue. What threw me off was not knowing where I stood.

The truth was, I was into both of them, especially Dan. I started dropping hints, testing the waters. But Dan was confusing. Sometimes he was super flirty, touched me, acted interested. But the moment I made a move, he would shut it down. This happened over and over, and it really messed with my head.

Later on, I found out my husband had hooked up with both of them while I wasn’t there. That really stung—not just because it happened, but because I wasn’t even part of the conversation. It left me wondering: was I unwanted, or just not around at the right moment?

Eventually I asked Dan directly, and he said he wasn’t into me. That crushed me. If that was the case, why all the mixed signals? Why not just be upfront? It felt like he was enjoying the attention and validation, but at my expense. Every time I tried to move on, he’d pull me back in with flirty behavior, only to push me away when it got too real.

I was angry with my husband too—we had a major rough patch because of it. Thankfully, we worked through it and are in a good place now. But I couldn’t keep being friends with that couple. I asked my husband to cut contact as well.

Here’s where I’m stuck:
On one hand, I’m still really hurt by the whole situation and how it was handled. On the other hand, I miss the fun we had together, and I honestly don’t think they set out to hurt me. But they did—and deeply.

So… what would you have done in my place?

I think what all three of them did was pretty shitty, despite the openness of the relationships. Dan knew, or should have known, that you were into him. Most likely, Dan knew that Johnny was hooking up with your husband, and he was also hooking up with your husband despite knowing that you were into him. Your husband was hooking up with both of your "couple friends" behind your back. All three of them were using the "but we're all open!" rationalization to justify doing something they knew was likely to hurt you.

Maya Angelou's famous quote, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time," comes to mind. Your "friends" showed you who they are. My advice is the same as Maya Angelou's - believe them. For me, their actions would have caused me to sever the relationship completely. They are unlikely to ask you what happened, because they probably know what they did. If, by chance, they do ask, I would just lay it out for them very briefly and unemotionally, and I would let them know that, because of their actions, I am no longer interested in a friendship with them. If they protest, I would simply repeat that I'm not interested in a friendship with them. Then, I'd simply move on from them.

As for your husband, you are more forgiving than I am - maybe that's a good thing. The issue isn't that he had sex with them. The issue is that he did so knowing that it was likely to hurt you, he did it anyway, and did it repeatedly. I hope he understands this fully now.

 

[cacrac1]

Wow, you guys are really sweet.
At first, my husband didn’t understand why I was so hurt. He said that sometimes people were only into me and not him, so I shouldn’t take it so hard. It took a lot of fighting and explaining, but he really gets it now.

To answer more questions: Dan and Johnny are newer to open relationships (a few years, while we’ve been in one for 10+). They’re not very young.

My husband was aware of every interaction I had with both of them. We used to talk all the time, trying to figure out what things meant, where we stood, etc. And then all of a sudden, I was left alone…

Although I can’t really say it happened behind my back, I was kind of surprised and didn’t really allow myself to set boundaries.

I love being gay, but this experience really made me feel like shit—like fat and ugly.

Sometimes being gay is hard.

 

[BIGBULL29]

Wow, you guys are really sweet.
At first, my husband didn’t understand why I was so hurt. He said that sometimes people were only into me and not him, so I shouldn’t take it so hard. It took a lot of fighting and explaining, but he really gets it now.

To answer more questions: Dan and Johnny are newer to open relationships (a few years, while we’ve been in one for 10+). They’re not very young.

My husband was aware of every interaction I had with both of them. We used to talk all the time, trying to figure out what things meant, where we stood, etc. And then all of a sudden, I was left alone…

Although I can’t really say it happened behind my back, I was kind of surprised and didn’t really allow myself to set boundaries.

I love being gay, but this experience really made me feel like shit—like fat and ugly.

Sometimes being gay is hard.

Hi buddy! I give my compassion. I fully understand. Gay relationships are hard. I like to have a few buddies who are pansexual, etc, but I am not interested in romance with another dude. (I could have a little bromances for sure, especially with certain dudes). I sympathize with you, because I know who hard it must be in open-gay relationship. It's complicated. But with men-women, it's also very hard.

I am pansexual, so I also struggle. I like men, women, FTMs, etc. I've been confused all of my life.

These days, I just go for what feels right, as long as it's safe.

We all struggle in some way, buddy. It's just how life is. Sometimes we don't realize how toxic another person is (sometimes we're toxic, and don't really know it).

Advice: Re-assessment of your life.

Take good care.

 

[thatha_456879]

Honestly, I think you handled it the best way you could. If someone’s giving you mixed signals and it keeps messing with your head, cutting ties is the healthiest move. I’ve been in a similar spot where a “friend” thrived on the flirting attention but had zero intention of following through, it left me feeling confused and unwanted too. Protecting your peace (and your relationship) is way more important than hanging onto a friendship that hurt you.

 

[pradelicious]

Work on your own self esteem by making yourself more physically attractive. Hit the gym, eat healthy and make friends of your own. Get out of that rut of clinging to your husband, kids and familiar routine.
Enjoy the attention of strangers and flirt with people who do pay attention to you, male or female. That is the best revenge. I think you are hurt from being excluded from the fun by your husband and that couple.

 

[Graham123]

I think your husband was a little selfish in the way he went about the threesome to himself, knowing you were all friends and in open relationships I think he should have suggested to the other couple that a foursome would have been more beneficial to you all and maybe more exciting and fulfilling for everybody. He could have had three cocks to suck on and holes to use instead of two!!

 

[Rawian]

Hey everyone, I’d love to get some outside perspective on a situation that really messed with me.

I’ve been with my husband for many years—we’re married, have kids, and we’re in an open relationship. About a year ago we met another gay couple, also with kids. They were super sweet and we clicked instantly. We had so much in common—family, interests, lifestyle.

At first the friendship was totally platonic. We hung out a lot, had playdates with the kids, went to parties together—it was great. But slowly this weird flirtation started developing. It wasn’t clear if it was going anywhere sexual or just harmless fun.

One night I went to a party with one of them—let’s call him Dan—while my husband stayed at home with Dan’s partner, Johnny. When I came back, I found out my husband and Johnny had hooked up. At that point, I didn’t mind—we’re open, so that wasn’t the issue. What threw me off was not knowing where I stood.

The truth was, I was into both of them, especially Dan. I started dropping hints, testing the waters. But Dan was confusing. Sometimes he was super flirty, touched me, acted interested. But the moment I made a move, he would shut it down. This happened over and over, and it really messed with my head.

Later on, I found out my husband had hooked up with both of them while I wasn’t there. That really stung—not just because it happened, but because I wasn’t even part of the conversation. It left me wondering: was I unwanted, or just not around at the right moment?

Eventually I asked Dan directly, and he said he wasn’t into me. That crushed me. If that was the case, why all the mixed signals? Why not just be upfront? It felt like he was enjoying the attention and validation, but at my expense. Every time I tried to move on, he’d pull me back in with flirty behavior, only to push me away when it got too real.

I was angry with my husband too—we had a major rough patch because of it. Thankfully, we worked through it and are in a good place now. But I couldn’t keep being friends with that couple. I asked my husband to cut contact as well.

Here’s where I’m stuck:
On one hand, I’m still really hurt by the whole situation and how it was handled. On the other hand, I miss the fun we had together, and I honestly don’t think they set out to hurt me. But they did—and deeply.

So… what would you have done in my place?

IMHO Love the person you fell in love with and fuck the rest. Metaphorically and physically, then ask the partner in. It worked for me. Remember though, “to thine own self, be true”

 

[elklindoxxx]

Hey everyone, I’d love to get some outside perspective on a situation that really messed with me.

I’ve been with my husband for many years—we’re married, have kids, and we’re in an open relationship. About a year ago we met another gay couple, also with kids. They were super sweet and we clicked instantly. We had so much in common—family, interests, lifestyle.

At first the friendship was totally platonic. We hung out a lot, had playdates with the kids, went to parties together—it was great. But slowly this weird flirtation started developing. It wasn’t clear if it was going anywhere sexual or just harmless fun.

One night I went to a party with one of them—let’s call him Dan—while my husband stayed at home with Dan’s partner, Johnny. When I came back, I found out my husband and Johnny had hooked up. At that point, I didn’t mind—we’re open, so that wasn’t the issue. What threw me off was not knowing where I stood.

The truth was, I was into both of them, especially Dan. I started dropping hints, testing the waters. But Dan was confusing. Sometimes he was super flirty, touched me, acted interested. But the moment I made a move, he would shut it down. This happened over and over, and it really messed with my head.

Later on, I found out my husband had hooked up with both of them while I wasn’t there. That really stung—not just because it happened, but because I wasn’t even part of the conversation. It left me wondering: was I unwanted, or just not around at the right moment?

Eventually I asked Dan directly, and he said he wasn’t into me. That crushed me. If that was the case, why all the mixed signals? Why not just be upfront? It felt like he was enjoying the attention and validation, but at my expense. Every time I tried to move on, he’d pull me back in with flirty behavior, only to push me away when it got too real.

I was angry with my husband too—we had a major rough patch because of it. Thankfully, we worked through it and are in a good place now. But I couldn’t keep being friends with that couple. I asked my husband to cut contact as well.

Here’s where I’m stuck:
On one hand, I’m still really hurt by the whole situation and how it was handled. On the other hand, I miss the fun we had together, and I honestly don’t think they set out to hurt me. But they did—and deeply.

So… what would you have done in my place?

My partner and I go with other couples, and we have our ground rules that were agreed upon. If you are in an open relationship it's expected that your partner will hookup with someone else when given the chance.

So do you have a rule to say there are no..."unauthorized hookups?"

 

[JackHardlong]

My partner and I go with other couples, and we have our ground rules that were agreed upon. If you are in an open relationship it's expected that your partner will hookup with someone else when given the chance.

So do you have a rule to say there are no..."unauthorized hookups?"

Holy moly. That's such a common-sense approach, I never even thought about having an agreement that includes that!! It's also a very validating statement because it's like an up-front acknowledgement of the fact that you never know when the opportunity to hook up will arise, and that the unexpectedness is part of the fun. At least, for me it is

 

[notthatguy]

My rules are very simple. i would never have sex with a friend's girl friend. Even their old girlfriends are off limit as I never want to hear a conversation of "you are so much better than he is" or vise versa.

 

[cacrac1]

My partner and I go with other couples, and we have our ground rules that were agreed upon. If you are in an open relationship it's expected that your partner will hookup with someone else when given the chance.

So do you have a rule to say there are no..."unauthorized hookups?"

Not really.
We're not big on rules, we prefer communication. Normally it works well for us

 

[fmbttm]

Not really.
We're not big on rules, we prefer communication. Normally it works well for us

Not to sound like a bitch, because I really don’t mean it that way, but where was the communication on your husbands part? Did he tell you he was hooking up with both of them? From what you’ve said, it sounds like it was intentionally kept from you.

If I were in this situation, rules would definitely need to spoken. You need to protect yourself and your relationship, that’s what matters. Temporary fun with another couple is exactly that, temporary.

 

[cacrac1]

Not to sound like a bitch, because I really don’t mean it that way, but where was the communication on your husbands part? Did he tell you he was hooking up with both of them? From what you’ve said, it sounds like it was intentionally kept from you.

If I were in this situation, rules would definitely need to spoken. You need to protect yourself and your relationship, that’s what matters. Temporary fun with another couple is exactly that, temporary.

What's wrong with being a B*tch?

My husband told me he was gonna hook up with them before it happened, but I didn't know at the time It wasn't gonna include me in the future. It was also said in a way that didn't really gave me legitimacy to deny it from him.

I the end, you're right, my husband fucked up, and I gave him hell for it.
I also fucked up, not protecting myself and my marriage.
I hope we can do a better job in the future.

 

[sdklfkjnwq5]

Hey everyone, I’d love to get some outside perspective on a situation that really messed with me.

I’ve been with my husband for many years—we’re married, have kids, and we’re in an open relationship. About a year ago we met another gay couple, also with kids. They were super sweet and we clicked instantly. We had so much in common—family, interests, lifestyle.

At first the friendship was totally platonic. We hung out a lot, had playdates with the kids, went to parties together—it was great. But slowly this weird flirtation started developing. It wasn’t clear if it was going anywhere sexual or just harmless fun.

One night I went to a party with one of them—let’s call him Dan—while my husband stayed at home with Dan’s partner, Johnny. When I came back, I found out my husband and Johnny had hooked up. At that point, I didn’t mind—we’re open, so that wasn’t the issue. What threw me off was not knowing where I stood.

The truth was, I was into both of them, especially Dan. I started dropping hints, testing the waters. But Dan was confusing. Sometimes he was super flirty, touched me, acted interested. But the moment I made a move, he would shut it down. This happened over and over, and it really messed with my head.

Later on, I found out my husband had hooked up with both of them while I wasn’t there. That really stung—not just because it happened, but because I wasn’t even part of the conversation. It left me wondering: was I unwanted, or just not around at the right moment?

Eventually I asked Dan directly, and he said he wasn’t into me. That crushed me. If that was the case, why all the mixed signals? Why not just be upfront? It felt like he was enjoying the attention and validation, but at my expense. Every time I tried to move on, he’d pull me back in with flirty behavior, only to push me away when it got too real.

I was angry with my husband too—we had a major rough patch because of it. Thankfully, we worked through it and are in a good place now. But I couldn’t keep being friends with that couple. I asked my husband to cut contact as well.

Here’s where I’m stuck:
On one hand, I’m still really hurt by the whole situation and how it was handled. On the other hand, I miss the fun we had together, and I honestly don’t think they set out to hurt me. But they did—and deeply.

So… what would you have done in my place?

You have a right to feel upset, but noone "hurt you". You feel hurt - there's a difference.

Everybody was playing by the rules: you have an open marriage, so your husband didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with these two people. [I wonder if you told your husband that you were trying to sleep with Dan...]

Flirting (or even just being friendly) with gay guys can be dangerous, because they often seem to take either as a promise of imminent sex. Dan is allowed to be friendly, and to touch you (sacre bleu); he is also allowed to flirt. That doesn't mean that he wants to have sex with you. You "shot your shot" and it didn't work. Oh, well.

I can imagine that you are feeling left out and undesired. A "fourth wheel". But Nobody did anything wrong in this situation.

 

[elklindoxxx]

I always tell people, you need to have rules for your relationships. It's so you can avoid any misunderstandings.

My partner and I mostly go with other couples, but there are times on rare occasions when we go on "play dates" with other people. And a serious reason as to why you want to communicate this is for safety. There are alot and I mean alot of married people who cheat on their spouses. And the last thing you want is to be confronted by the spouse of a cheater. That is an absolutely dangerous situation if that happens. Fortunately for us it never happened.

So for us, we always communicate where we are going to have the encounter. And when we will be returning....etc.

So that's something you need to keep in mind.

 

[Kret]

I think what all three of them did was pretty shitty, despite the openness of the relationships. Dan knew, or should have known, that you were into him. Most likely, Dan knew that Johnny was hooking up with your husband, and he was also hooking up with your husband despite knowing that you were into him. Your husband was hooking up with both of your "couple friends" behind your back. All three of them were using the "but we're all open!" rationalization to justify doing something they knew was likely to hurt you.

Maya Angelou's famous quote, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time," comes to mind. Your "friends" showed you who they are. My advice is the same as Maya Angelou's - believe them. For me, their actions would have caused me to sever the relationship completely. They are unlikely to ask you what happened, because they probably know what they did. If, by chance, they do ask, I would just lay it out for them very briefly and unemotionally, and I would let them know that, because of their actions, I am no longer interested in a friendship with them. If they protest, I would simply repeat that I'm not interested in a friendship with them. Then, I'd simply move on from them.

As for your husband, you are more forgiving than I am - maybe that's a good thing. The issue isn't that he had sex with them. The issue is that he did so knowing that it was likely to hurt you, he did it anyway, and did it repeatedly. I hope he understands this fully now.

This is all such bullshit. Your take is garbage, and full of assumptions of what they meant when things played out how they did.