Grandad at 37

[Lester123]

I've had a difficult and strange couple of months recently which culminated a couple of weeks ago in some surprising news for me and my family.

A bit of background, I have four kids with my ex wife, we married at 21 and had my eldest son straight away, I was still 21 when he was born. After ten years of marriage we split on relatively good terms about five years ago, the spark went after our fourth kid was born and we'd been drifting along, we both agreed to part. Things were going pretty well for both of us, my wife re-married recently to a nice guy she'd been seeing for quite a while and I had a nice girlfriend for about four years. However, we separated about four months ago because she was struggling to conceive (I wasn't that fussed about having another kid but supported her wish).

Anyway, after the split

 

[Lester123]

Sorry, posted before finishing..,

I should say that originally my kids lived with my ex, but about a year ago my eldest two sons decided they wanted to live with me (this didn't help the situation with my girlfriend).

About 2 weeks ago I received a visit from the parents of my eldest sons girlfriend saying that my son had gotten her pregnant but wanted nothing to do her. My first reaction was he's damn right not to want anything to do with the baby, he'll be 16 when the baby is born. Perhaps that's wrong, but he's only a kid himself. For a reason I don't fully understand, his girlfriend is going ahead with the pregnancy.

My ex, whom I had a strong relationship with until this point, blamed me for not keeping an eye on the boys properly and insisted they move back in with her.

So here I am, living alone, ex now not letting me see my four kids and the prospect of being a grandad at 37. Selfishly, I keep thinking whether it impacts my chances of meeting someone else - who the hell wants to go out with a grandad! I do think about the grandchild I will probably never see and to be honest never wanted.

Bit of a soap opera in my life at the moment, but wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar and whether there is light at the end of the tunnel

 

[archetypal_mystic]

I do not think there is any immediate light at the end of the tunnel, and this event is going to make both you and your son grow up pretty fast. Newsflash: Your underaged, non income earning son and his offspring will probably be financially dependent on YOU for the next few years. If you have any sense of responsibility, you will do what it takes to keep your son in school as long as possible so that he does not turn into a deadbeat dad. Its a mess...good luck.

 

[Betty_Cocker]

Cliffhanger,

 

[Voglener]

I have no experience here but I can offer some kind, thoughtful words. Try to impress upon your son his responsibility towards his child while you perhaps step up in your responsibility towards him. Let him know what to expect. Alert him to programs he and the girlfriend can take advantage of. Try to discuss the situation with your ex and the pregnant girlfriends' parents with a positive, hopeful and reasonable attitude. The deed is done and the child is on the way. The only way forward is to be thinking of ways to make the situation work to the best of your ability so that you will be able to have at least some connection to if not a relationship with your grandchild. You may be met with attitudes for a short while but with a little time and when the baby arrives those attitudes are sure to give way to more cooperative, willing spirits. And Dude, that grandbaby in your arms will be catnip to women. All you'll have to do is give them good eye contact and a smile. They'll do the rest. Congrats Gramps!

 

[tncentaur]

Lester123 wrote 'So here I am, living alone, ex now not letting me see my four kids and the prospect of being a grandad at 37. Selfishly, I keep thinking whether it impacts my chances of meeting someone else - who the hell wants to go out with a grandad! I do think about the grandchild I will probably never see and to be honest never wanted.'

Buddy, how in the world can you turn this situation into a selfish meditation on your prospects as a 37-year-old granddad for meeting someone else, and then maundering about who wants to go out with a grandad? I can't believe you're such a selfish jerk.

You do owe your 16-year-old son your concerted effort to try and help him a become responsible adult, but the chances aren't great since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Shame on you, shame on your son. I feel sorry for the grandchild that you can't bring yourself to countenance as yours. Every child is a gift to the human race that brought it forth--man up and take some responsibility for your son and grandson.

 

[longandskinny]

I think he recognizes that his reaction is selfish, why are y'all beating up on him for it? I think it's good that he is honest about his emotional responses to the situation, even as he recognizes how selfish and irresponsible it would be to give in to those emotions. I'm sure we've all had selfish feelings in our lives, even as hopefully we've recognized those feelings for what they were and overcome them.

 

[Betty_Cocker]

There is so much wrong here, I'm not sure where to start.

Your ex wife should not blame you for "keeping an eye on them better." Truth is, kids are exploring. If anything, a good talk about birth control should have been had. But honestly, if they are going to explore, they are going to. You can threaten, teach, train, yell, and do anything else, but if they are going to have sex... it will happen.

I speak from experience. My daughter and I had a good relationship. Not great because I was not her best friend, I was her parent. But we did talk and had several conversations about the dangers of sex as a teen. She was raised in a happy, loving home with parents that believed that children learn a great deal from modeling. But peer pressure can be a terrible thing for a teen.

She was the super cute cheerleader and he was Mr. High School (everything, football, basketball, baseball...) yadda yadda. I felt like we did all we could to provide good parenting. THEY still got pregnant. (THEY because it took both of them... He's no more at fault than she is and vice versa.) If she (this gf) is keeping the child, your son has a responsibility to that child. To walk away and have nothing to do with her or the baby because "she" got pregnant is says a lot about what type of person he is. (That you supported his decision? I have no words for you as a father.)

She was 17 and he 18. Never, not for one second, did I think "poor pitiful me... gee I'm too young to be a grandmother..." My only concern was for her health and that of the child she had long decided to keep before she let anyone (even the father) know she was carrying. Your selfishness and lack of concern for this baby that is coming into the world is something I totally cannot fathom. The baby didn't ask for this. The girl and the boy should consider how best to deal with this unplanned pregnancy. I'd suggest guidance from caring parents, but I'm not sure there are any in this group.

They don't have to get married. and I wouldn't encourage it at all. They are far too young to take on that role as well as the role of parents. But your son should "man up" and take responsibility for his actions. He is going to be a part of the child's life whether he wants to be or not, so why not accept the responsibility and make the best of the situation?

I have a beautiful grandson who has been the light of my life and I can't imagine life without him now.
Would I want them to do it again? of course not... but I am glad that I am a big part of his life and that he has many grandparents and parents now that love him and everyone works together to put his needs before ours/theirs.

Stop worrying about your love life and concentrate on someone else for a change.


and btw... nobody fucking cares if you have a grandchild at 37. They just don't.

 

[Betty_Cocker]

I think he recognizes that his reaction is selfish, why are y'all beating up on him for it? I think it's good that he is honest about his emotional responses to the situation, even as he recognizes how selfish and irresponsible it would be to give in to those emotions. I'm sure we've all had selfish feelings in our lives, even as hopefully we've recognized those feelings for what they were and overcome them.

Because his post is more about his worry about finding a gf rather than helping his son through a very traumatic time in his life.

 

[longandskinny]

Because his post is more about his worry about finding a gf rather than helping his son through a very traumatic time in his life.

I think the problem is that you're attacking him for being honest about his feelings. He hasn't even acted on them yet, and yet he's being criticized for not thinking or feeling the correct thoughts or feelings. I'm sorry but I'm on his side as far as that goes. I get annoyed when life doesn't go my way and I'm inconvenienced, even if the rational part of my mind recognizes that sometimes my moral obligations require me to put up with some inconvenience. But if you're not even allowed to have wrong feelings, then I guess you're not allowed to be human.

 

[Ed69]

Betty sounds like the thought police in my parents church when I was a kid.If you even think it you've sinned even if you didn't do it.

 

[canuck_pa]

My brother got his girl friend pregnant when he was 20 and she was 17. The two of them decided to get married and keep the baby before they told their parents. Of course there was a lot of yelling and wringing of hands. My parents looked at the options and talked to the two of them. When they didn't change their mind my parents got behind them 100%. My parents told the family and friends what the situation was so there wasn't any surprises or gossip. The whole family helped. My parents and my grandparents bought them their furniture and so on. The only thing they had to buy was their bed. My mother's parents were over the moon since this was their first great grandchild. Of course over the years they had problems but their still together after 47 years.

I urge you to encourage your son to help his girlfriend and support the child. Work with the girl's parents and your ex to find a way to make it work. Encourage them to stay in school. I know some schools have special programs of students with children. Be a part of the child's life. The rewards will far our weigh the sacrifices.

 

[jaap_stam]

Grandfathers get laid all the time. As long as there is enough cash left over from supporting your son and grandkid for your sugarbaby.

 

[EquusAZ]

Woah here!!!! Why is this glass always half empty!?!? Lets look at the bright side. In the annals of history, being 16/17 and pregnant is LATE. Only recently has the norm been 18 and over. That being said - did they think this through? Probably not. BUT - and here is the kicker, this kid is coming hell or high water.

My advice is to be as supportive of your son AND the girl AND her parents and work on establishing a GOOD relationship for the sake of the baby. The mother and father will have a lot to work on for the next 18 years and will need your support. Remember, you are now the parent of someone who is going to have a child. It is your duty to do what you can to positively influence not only him but her.

I think that if that had happened when my mother was pregnant with me (biological mother) my life would have been a L OT different. I do wish you luck and MUCH future happiness. Embrace this as the blessing that it probably will be, and not the curse society wants you to think it is!

Honestly IF I had a son and IF this happened to me this year, I would have been proud, and supportive of him and his girl. Life is all about the experiences we go through whether they be positive or negative. Just be there for him dude and make the best of it. Hell, go buy a coffee cup with "Worlds Greatest Grandpa" on it and OWN it at work!!!!!

Hugs
Ry

 

[yhtang]

About 2 weeks ago I received a visit from the parents of my eldest sons girlfriend saying that my son had gotten her pregnant but wanted nothing to do her. My first reaction was he's damn right not to want anything to do with the baby, he'll be 16 when the baby is born. Perhaps that's wrong, but he's only a kid himself. For a reason I don't fully understand, his girlfriend is going ahead with the pregnancy.

My ex, whom I had a strong relationship with until this point, blamed me for not keeping an eye on the boys properly and insisted they move back in with her.

Your son chose to live with you when he was 14 years old. He got a girl pregnant at the age of 15, while still living with you. Your ex-wife now blames you for not "keeping an eye on the boys properly" and she now has your son.

You had your son for about a year when he got a girl pregnant. I presume the pregnant girl is also about 15 years old. I would so you are partly to blame for not instilling (enough) into your son's head not to get anyone pregnant. I would also say your wife was equally to blame for not doing the same earlier.

The pregnant girl's parents does not want anything to do with her. I am rather concerned that her parents would abandon (?) her at this critical time, and no one seems to be concerned for her, her pregnancy or the unborn child. Yes, she was an idiot to get pregnant. Her parents were equally to blame - as you are - for not instilling (enough) into her head not to get pregnant.

Any chance that the baby is not your son's? If so, you won't be a a grandfather at 37.

 

[hzs3fg]

There is always the small chance that your son is not the child's father; girls lie about these things for many reasons.

Before allowing your son and yourself to be on the hook for 18 years of child support you may want to demand a paternity test. DO NOT allow your son's name to be placed on the birth certificate until the paternity test is completed. In the US, once your name is on a birth certificate it can be impossible to remove.

 

[longandskinny]

I second the above.

 

[tomahawkjam]

The pregnant girl's parents does not want anything to do with her. I am rather concerned that her parents would abandon (?) her at this critical time, and no one seems to be concerned for her, her pregnancy or the unborn child. Yes, she was an idiot to get pregnant. Her parents were equally to blame - as you are - for not instilling (enough) into her head not to get pregnant.

His statement was that her parents said his son wanted nothing to do with their daughter. At no point did he state or imply that the girl's parents wanted nothing to do with her. Quite the opposite, her parents cared enough to engage with him.

Whole post is still narcissistic as all hell though.

 

[tripod]

Welcome the chaos. Nature runs on entropy and despite our grandest attempts... our lives remain open to chance.

It'll all work out.

 

[3956]

Hey, it could be worse. I knew a lady who was a great-grandmother at 45. Yep. 4 5.

But on a brighter side, you will be young enough to enjoy knowing your child, grandchild, great-grandchild and possibly even your great-great-grandchild. Think about it...
Grandfather at 37. If your grandchild has a kid at 23, you will only be 60 when your great-grandchild is born. If they have a kid at 23 you will be 83 when your great-great-grandchild is born.
Not many people get to experience that!