Great 'Put Down's/One Liners'..

[PornForPatric]

She is a virgin in a world where men will even turn to soft fruit for pleasure.
-Absolutely Fabulous

If you have nothing to write, try killing yourself. If you fail, you'll have something to write about. If you succeed, your troubles will be over!
Ugly Betty

You know, the minute my husband saw me, he said he just went crazy for me.
Yes...he WAS crazy.

You know, I had a big spread in the magazine this week.
Well, it would need to be a big spread to fit you in the magazine, wouldn't it.

Oh, hello Paul. This must be your daughter. <turning to her> Hello. I've known your father for over 40 years you know. Strange we've never met.
- My mother as we walked through the mall and ran into her neighbour out with his new trophy wife

 

[superbot]

"He looks like a female llama who has just been surprised in her bath."
Winston Churchill on Charles de Gaulles,leader of the free French and President of France.

 

[willow78]

"At her [Patsy's] age, the meat slides off the bone like a well cooked chicken."
- Saffron (Absolutely Fabulous)

 

[Serial Kisser]

I'd call you a cunt but you have neither the warmth nor the depth.

Don't even remember where I heard it but I love that line.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

My dad, as he stood in line to pay for his gas, was told by the girl behind him "you smell good, what do you have on?" My dad's reply: "a hard on but I didn't think you could smell it"

 

[B_stu.kay823]

Another great Astor/Churchill is

A: Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!
C: Yes, Madam, and you're ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

You haven't heard the last of this, Pierce!
I wasn't even listening to the beginning of it.
-M*A*S*H*, episode, Chief Surgeon who?

 

[galaxus]

"People think there is something wrong with black people loving watermelon and fried chicken. I say, if you don't like fried chicken and watermelon, something is wrong with you!" ----- Dave Chappelle

"The thing is, I have as much power as the Pope. A lot of people just don't believe me." ----George Carlin

 

[galaxus]

I'd call you a cunt but you have neither the warmth nor the depth.

Don't even remember where I heard it but I love that line.

Wow I love that one!

 

[rbkwp]

NO flies in China

- mao


Four Pests Campaign - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
At the direction of Chairman Mao, sparrows were killed by the peasants, causing a ... The four pests to be eliminated were rats, flies, mosquitoes, and sparrows. ... The masses of China were mobilized to eradicate the birds, and citizens took to ... Non-material rewards and recognition were offered to schools, ..

 

[ManlyBanisters]

You haven't heard the last of this, Pierce!
I wasn't even listening to the beginning of it.
-M*A*S*H*, episode, Chief Surgeon who?

Captain Hawkeye Pierce was the character's name - he would have probably said it to either Major Frank Burns or Major Charles Winchester, depending on what series it came from.


Another great Hawkeye quote is:
A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark.

There are some real zingers for theatre reviews. I'll share one of mine...
..."He appeared to perform as though clubbed over the head, although I will allow that the dialogue may simply have stunned him."

Well now - there's a strange coincidence. That's exactly the line New York Times movie reviewer Howard Thompson used to describe Candice Bergen's performance in The Adventurers (1970).:

The question is not so much why as how. Mr. Fehmiu, referred to by the others as a man among men, merely looks at women meltingly and they succumb (in a few unstartling peeks at bare anatomy), which is how he hooks Miss Bergen, who performs as though clubbed over the head. The dialogue may simply have stunned her.

http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/review?res=9D03E4DC143EE034BC4E51DFB566838B669EDE​

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

Captain Hawkeye Pierce was the character's name - he would have probably said it to either Major Frank Burns or Major Charles Winchester, depending on what series it came from.

Actually there, Madam Porkchop, the 1st part of the quote was used directly from the late, great, character actor, Sorrell Booke, AKA, JD boss Hogg, who played Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker, who was addressing one Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce.

 

[vince]

I was about 18. Sitting with my parents and a couple they were friends with on their sailboat. They were all half shit-faced and dad made comment about George's pot belly. Isabel, the wife, say's, "Oh I LOVE George's little belly. It helps him stick it in a little further!" I blurted out, "Well, wouldn't you rather have someone younger who could stick it in a little more often?" oops...

 

[B_stu.kay823]

there's another great line in the ep where alan alda's dad guest stars. haven't found it yet

 

[midlifebear]

Betty White (playing Sue Ann Nivins on the Mary Tyler Moore Show responding to another character's comment) "Dear, try to imagine how little I care."

 

[superbot]

"He must have been an incredibly good shot!"
Noel Coward,when told a very stupid acquaintance had blown his brains out.

 

[950483]

"You don't look like you have much to laugh about."
I overheard this excellent one-liner years ago from a man wearing a dress.

 

[wallyj84]

The greatest put down to a man would be, "You have a small penis." To a woman it would be, "your boyfriend/father/brother has a small penis."

 

[jujube]

To a woman it would be, "your boyfriend/father/brother has a small penis."

No. To a woman, it would be, "You are a slut-faced, flat-chested, hideous whore that no one really wants."

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

"I never drink water; fish fuck in it."
WC Fields.
"I was married by a judge. I should've asked for a jury."