Greetings. 'Tripod', 'Beefheart', 'SmearTest Boi'. Lighthearted japes or hate speech?

LordGrimcock

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Since inadvertently exposing myself at work I have been the subject of constant ridicule for my overly tuberous beefstave.

On the personal front I can't find a woman of anything like my preferred height and build whose vaginal depth allows me to go up to the spuds without displacing her cervix and causing her untold discomfort. Needless to say I have become quite the dab hand at fingerbanging, since it's about the only way to get her to orgasm post bang without getting a faceful of my own lymph.

I know someone has to endure this, but why did it have to be me?