Grindr And Dating/hookup Apps: Do You Ignore Messages When Not Interested?

Discussion in 'Ask a Gay Man' started by JayPR, May 1, 2020.

  1. JayPR

    JayPR Well-Known Member

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    I'm curious about this topic because I was the kind of person that never ignored messages on dating apps, even if I was not interested. I used to respond, a short conversation, good manners, you can meet great people as friends. If the person started hitting on me, I would just say: “Thanks, but I’m not interested”. Simple. But lately, I've been ignoring messages of guys that I'm not attracted to.

    In my experience, when I respond and start talking with someone, it is usually understood as "I'm interested". Then I have to be upfront and tell them that I'm not attracted or interested. I personally hate to tell someone that I’m not attracted to them, I feel bad. People tend to get hurt or offended, and then proceed to demand an explanation or just insult you. I've been ignored many times, and I get the hint, so I continue looking. I don't get mad.

    What do you do? Do you ignore messages of guys that you're not interested in or attracted to? Do you at least say hi?
     
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  2. JasonPharae

    JasonPharae Active Member

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    I'm that rare guy who actually doesn't hate the app scene. I'm not shallow or superficial and I like having a boyfriend, but I don't need one. And when I'm single, I feel weirdly lucky to be a gay guy, since we're able to take advantage of a whole app culture which just isn't as much an option for straight people (no offense, straights!). All that's to say that my thoughts on these questions come from a positive perspective—as opposed to so many dudes who are cynical and burned out and bitter about the whole app scene. Here's what comes to mind.

    You don't need to send a message, the sole purpose of which is to decline someone's offer, unless you've already been chatting with them and it would be weird to ghost them. If it's a first-time message from somebody who wants something you're certain you wouldn't want, it's totally acceptable not to respond at all! It would be seriously unreasonable for a Grindr (or whatever) user to expect actual responses declining every first-time message they send. It's only for major, serious occasions—weddings, black-tie galas, office holiday parties—that you have to reply to an invitation either way (RSVP: yes/no). Online dating and hooking up shouldn't be like that.

    As you suggested, it might even be needlessly hurtful to write somebody back, just to tell them you're not interested. There are days and weeks when I'm not interested in hooking up, simply because I'm really busy or out of town or sick with Covid-19 (j/k), and then I don't keep up with Grindr at all. Next time I open the app I usually have some old messages, and I like to think that all those guys found hot, passionate success with somebody else, who they messaged right after me. They're not sitting around grumpily, still wondering what my response is to that message from last week. My point is, it's better to let guys assume you were busy or sick—that's why you never responded—rather than explain to them that, actually, you're totally uninterested in them.

    Also, if you can do it, I'd recommend ignoring notifications from Grindr (etc.) whenever you know you aren't in the mood to hook up. It's different with dating apps, like Tinder, where the point might be something more personal than sex (a BF?). Then I do pay attention to notifications and reply to guys when they message, if they seem nice. But there's a pretty clear difference between ltr-oriented dating apps (like Tinder) and hook-up apps (like Grindr). But even on more dating-oriented/LTR apps like Tinder, no response is totally reasonable if you're definitely not interested in a guy.

    Sorry for rambling on and on—I'm so damn bored in quarantine!
     
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  3. thebiggulp

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    I uninstalled all of the apps. People seem to forget that you have a job, ride public transport, enjoy things apart from your phone, sleep. It isn't always possible or responsible to whip your phone out for a bit of sexting. I had people trying to chat me up, and then abusing me for not answering straight away. Who needs the aggro. Delete!
     
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  4. BigEric

    BigEric Banned

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    I usually answer, its wrong to at least not say hi. But then they begin asking waay too much personal questions, and that's when I begin to ignore or block. Same if they are too intense, 10 - 11 messages in less than 5 minutes, is simply a no.
     
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  5. Tbprivate

    Tbprivate Well-Known Member

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    I try and compliment a guy and say “you look nice but unfortunately you’re not my type”, I often then get “what is your type?” or “what are you looking for?” and it’s then harder to block them. Once you reply it can open up a conversation you don’t want to have.

    I’d like to be respectful to someone who’s reached out to me and paid me a compliment; I’d prefer to be treated the same way if someone isn’t interested in me but without a doubt it’s often easier just to block or ignore them and know they’ll move on to the next guy they’re interested in.
     
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  6. drainedmt

    drainedmt Well-Known Member

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    Lol I literally get no messages outside of Grindr marketing and spammers.

    I get more replies when I travel (well, when traveling was an option) and am always polite.

    Even if someone isn't my type, I find something positive to say like "nice smile but it's not a match." There is no reason to be rude unless someone is rude to you first. Same with blocking.

    There are guys who have blocked me simply for looking at their profile. They might not even be "my type" and I was just swiping or opened their profile because they had a funny screen name or maybe have a haircut that I like.

    There is one guy that I went to the same spa with. Gave him a friendly nod or smile as I do all patrons -- young/old/attractive/regular. The locker room is pretty small so one time I made small talk with him about his sports drink and what flavor he liked.

    I left and opened Grindr and he was the nearest person. Didn't click on his profile or initiate a chat. Within a few seconds I was blocked. Fast forward weeks later and his profile appears again. Maybe he got a new phone or has to reset it. Once again, blocked. I literally made small talk with him once.

    He obviously had some issue with me so I pretty much give him a wide berth. I avoid any room he is in (I actually usually just leave entirely if he arrives). It's not fun when you know someone is so offended by your presence.
     
  7. JayPR

    JayPR Well-Known Member

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    It's a shame that this guy blocks you that way. Maybe he didn't want you to know that he was on Grindr.

    I've been blocked for no apparent reason other than sending a woof or saying hi. I think it is easier to either say "Thanks, but not a match" or ignore the message. Smart people can take hints. The only way I could block someone is if that person harasses me or if he's too annoying, like sending me infinite messages after I made it clear that I'm not interested.
     
  8. henry777

    henry777 Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes, but most of the time a simple, "thanks but I'm not interested. Cheers."
     
  9. englad

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    I ignore them, I think it's a bit weird to respond in that case. I think the old adage of "if you don't have anything nice to say, it's best not to say anything at all" applies. It's much ruder to respond with a "no thanks", than not responding at all. No answer is an answer.
     
  10. MuscledHorse

    MuscledHorse Well-Known Member

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    Unless it opens with something lacking manners like "pics" I always reply with at least a thank you. I do not respond to "woofs/cruises", etc. typically because I get far too many of those. I also tend not to reply to blank profiles.
     
  11. JackM

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    The important thing is to make up your mind whether you want to meet somebody before you arrange a meeting. I think a lot of people forget there's a real person on the other end when they use these apps. There are some appalling manners.

    More than once, someone has messaged me and, when I responded positively they then blocked me. I've had more than one person invite me to meet them and then withdraw the invitation just as I'm leaving to meet them (in one case, when I'd just spent several pounds on a bus ticket). I've had people say at the last minute "Sorry, I can't make it - something came up" and not even felt obliged to make up some detail for their excuse. I had someone "very keen" to meet me who invited me the next day, then strung me along all day because, he said "my mother has turned up unexpectedly". Surprise, surprise - she stayed the whole day and on the two occasions I suggested a date after that, he was busy and, of course, was never in touch again.
     
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  12. BateBro420

    BateBro420 Well-Known Member

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    For me it all depends on who it is, and what they are saying. I only flash up Grindr when I travel, and that is usually to a smaller town. The population there is..limited, so there are a lot of regulars. That said, the local universities, which are large, keep the amount of new guys fairly fresh.
    So. If it is one of the regulars who just wants to keep trying, and trying again, I won't reply. If it is a creep that immediately jumps into requesting stats and pic without any sort of conversation first, he usually gets blocked outright.
    If someone starts a conversation, who genuinely seems interested in what I was doing that day, of course I'll chat with them. I may not be interested, which is easily conveyed by saying that I am heading out soon, or simply that I am not looking right now. Sometimes it ends up that while I was not initially interested, the conversation swayed me over to want to meet them another time.
     
  13. PretenderNX01

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    I used to answer all of them. I do like to chat, I get lonely. But this one guy lost his mind when I didn't want to go out in the middle of the night in winter. It was late and cold, so no I just didn't want to even after he was offering to send me an Uber and everything. He accused me of having done that to him before (I didn't really remember him) claimed my pics were fake (they're not. I'd pik a better dick if I was faking) then said he would tell everyone he knew about me and report my profile to Grindr.

    So now I often ignore them. Sometimes I'll answer if they just seem friendly but if it gets too much from someone I don't want, I will just stop replying. It's easier.
     
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  14. BateBro420

    BateBro420 Well-Known Member

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    There really are some deviant personalities out there. Thankfully I've only bumped across a very small handful. Funny thing is, it can be difficult to tell unless something sets them off, then..WHOAH! I ran across someone like what you experienced a few years ago. He went from zero to hero in the matter of me saying something that for some reason just flicked that switch. It was alarming enough that it made me really be careful about who I was seriously planning to meet after an online chat. Lots of messages first, feel them out more, that sort of thing. Lessons learned, but I listened carefully to that lesson. I couldn't even imagine what it may have been like in person if he snapped then.
     
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  15. windibundu

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    Yes, something like this happened to me- I was once accosted by a faceless profile offering to suck my dick at a gloryhole. I replied back with something like, "no thanks, but I hope you find what you're looking for". The stream of abuse, comments on my hair, my weight, personal insults about the appearance of my face, as well as physical threats that was this person's reply, was really, "something else". They must of been drunk, or on meth or something, I guess (hope?). Hate to admit it, but now I just block people I have no interest in.
     
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  16. brinzaulsschwul

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    I used to be like you, and reply to all of the messages but now I just cant be bothered and press block. Some come back a few weeks later thinking I'm old and senile (I' neither - just picky) and have forgotten, they try again and I block again

    I talk to all the underage that make contact (it's very obvious that they are too young because of their language and some put 15, 16, 17 in the profile) and then refer to the youthgroup, and then report the child to Grindr and wait to see if Grindr deletes the account - it can take ages or never happen which is disgusting leaving vulnerable kids at the hands of dirty old men. Sometimes I feel like referring to the police.

    I also report all the criminals wanting the stupids to visit phishing websites and block

    That block button is sooo fucking useful
     
  17. dichpig

    dichpig Active Member

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    Ignore or block. If I'm not interested, I would rather not waste their time or mine giving them the impression I'm interested. If they reach out with a completely blank profile, I assume they are a pic collector and are immediately blocked. It's pointless to write back and reject them. That's worse in my book.
     
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  18. steel33

    steel33 Well-Known Member

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    Ignore any profile that is blank or has kettle in it to give me a clue who I'm talking too.

    Also anyone that is less than 30 because my profile states that I'm not interested unless they make it clear that they have read my profile then I will return a message.
     
  19. Beanie

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    When I was younger I never would and it used irritate me! But as I got older it’s changed for me, sometimes guys just get the wrong message if you message back so they won’t leave you alone so I do now. Sends the same message.
     
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  20. x801z

    x801z Well-Known Member

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    The point is at the end of the day you are rejecting someone. Whether you don’t respond, respond nicely for a bit, or block them, the end result is the same: you aren’t interested. Changing the avenue of how that message is delivered shouldn’t matter. And they have certainly rejected someone else before.

    If someone is going to be dating - whether in real life or on an app - they (and us) are most likely going to get rejected and rejected repeatedly. Especially on apps like Grindr. Gotta have thick skin if you are gonna be in the game.
     
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