Guy best friend

[1203976]

Okay, I need everyone's help.

I have a best friend and I'm super confused about it. He's my best friend, I love him to death, he tells me he loves me al the time, etc etc.

He is straight, and I definitely believe he is straight, however, in the past he has sent me dick pics and videos of himself stroking. I believe he did this simply because he was comfortable with me and he knows I'm into guys and for him, it wasn't a big deal. However, it's been ages since he's done it and every time I bring it up and say I want to go back to him being comfortable with me, he blows up at me and says he doesn't want to do it and why can't I just accept he doesn't want to do it anymore. I told him I have accepted that, however, I'm struggling to understand WHY and what's changed, because he's never actually explained it. All he does is say 'I JUST DON'T WANT TO, WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!'.

Please help, I'm super confused. Lol

 

[Pendlum]

You need to stop bringing it back up. From how I am reading your paragraph you have brought it up a few times. He is your friend, and he has set up a new boundary for you, it is your responsibility to respect this boundary unless it is unreasonable. I can't see how it is unreasonable, so to me the only option is to respect it and stop bringing it up.

There are several reason why he did it in the past and isn't anymore, so I would just pick one that makes you content and move forward with your friendship. If there is more there, he can bring it up on his own terms, because it sounds like that is the only way it would be healthy. His mental health and friendship is more important than a dick pic, those are a dime a dozen.

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

i wouldnt bring it up anymore--just work at being friends and nothing else---guys that are straightwill do things just to satisfy their gay friends curiousity --before cellphones i knew a few straight guys that would watch straight porn with me and we would all jerk off in front of each other--sometimes they would let me jerk them off

and what this was is the furthest they would feel secure with themselves in letting a gay friend see them and do with them

same with the pics and videos sent on chat services or just by camera--if they say keep it between you two-- then keep it as he is trusting you to do so--if you share with other gay friends then you are ruining that trust and that is something you dont want to do--

apologize to himthat you were bugging him to send more pics and vids--that you dont want to ruin your friendship over it--and the pics and vids you have now enjoy them--

 

[1203976]

I don’t understand it tho I guess is the main thing. I don’t understand what has changed and he won’t explain it.
We used to be best friends who didn’t have any boundaries and could talk about anything etc. and he was so open and showed me all that stuff. And now it’s just cut off without an explanation? I don’t get it

 

[Pendlum]

Are you looking for arm chair psychologist theories about what is happening? We could come up with ideas until the cows come home, but ultimately we can't know, and it's his decision if he wants to share it.

He could have been sharing those as a way to express aspects of his sexuality to himself, and now he is uncomfortable with it. He could be uncomfortable because of repressed feelings about being bi or gay, or he feels like he took advantage of your relationship to get off or experiment, or any number of things. The range of possibilities are huge.

I think it's fine for you to be confused about it, it's common to want to know what's going on with people that are important to us. However, if he is truly your friend, you have to work on accepting that you may never know.

 

[1203976]

F

Are you looking for arm chair psychologist theories about what is happening? We could come up with ideas until the cows come home, but ultimately we can't know, and it's his decision if he wants to share it.

He could have been sharing those as a way to express aspects of his sexuality to himself, and now he is uncomfortable with it. He could be uncomfortable because of repressed feelings about being bi or gay, or he feels like he took advantage of your relationship to get off or experiment, or any number of things. The range of possibilities are huge.

I think it's fine for you to be confused about it, it's common to want to know what's going on with people that are important to us. However, if he is truly your friend, you have to work on accepting that you may never know.

Fair enough and I understand that, however, if he truly is my best friend shouldn’t he just be honest with me?

 

[tnman]

I think he has been, but you don' seem to want to hear what he is telling you

 

[Pendlum]

F

Fair enough and I understand that, however, if he truly is my best friend shouldn’t he just be honest with me?

He could be telling you the truth, it could be as simple as him not wanting to do it anymore. His frustration could be from his best friend not believing him.

But if it is more complex than that, sure he should probably be honest with you, though not because you are his best friend. Mostly just because I think most scenarios I can think of would benefit from the honesty, though I could be wrong. Even so, he may not actually understand himself what has changed. Is that a truth that would satisfy you? Since you have brought it up to him multiple times, he may not think that it would, so he is falling back on the bond you two have, believing it is stronger than this change.

You'll have to decide if this is some kind of deal breaker for you. Personally I don't think it should be. From a platonic perspective, it seems like a minor issue to me.

 

[rd62624]

sound like your friend was being a bro. He can trust you. He can sent you pic's & video's and tell you things but you are not suppose to take it to heart. You are just suppose to laugh it off . He told you because he didn't want to do that any more.You can't accept that.You are hurt and can't understand why everything change. You are trying to get him to continue to do something that he don't want to do. Relationships change and grow. You have to adapt and accept the change . If you don't you will lose him as a friend.

 

[1203976]

I genuinely don't mind that he doesn't want to send stuff anymore - like yeah, it sucks, but whatever - but what I really want is just for him to tell me WHY so I can understand

 

[lesshake]

You don't need to understand it. You just need to accept it or you're not going to have a friend for very much longer.

 

[prepstudinsc]

For whatever reason, he’s not comfortable doing that any more. Accept it, because you’re going to lose a friend. It’s better to not see his naked pics and vids than never see or hear from again. It’s hard to accept, but he can’t cross that boundary anymore.

 

[ndamood4sum]

I don’t understand it tho I guess is the main thing. I don’t understand what has changed and he won’t explain it.
We used to be best friends who didn’t have any boundaries and could talk about anything etc. and he was so open and showed me all that stuff. And now it’s just cut off without an explanation? I don’t get it

Listen, obviously he's changed. He does not owe you and explanation really. He started sending them to you on his own. Did you ask him, why he did that when it started? If so, what did he say? What's important here is if he is/was your best friend you should accept what he is saying because if you keep this up, not only will you be wondering why he stopped sending them, you'll also be wondering why you aren't talking/friends anymore.

I personally like understanding or closure, but I refuse to let it destroy my friendships with people. I hope you really will respect his boundaries. Enjoy the ones he has sent you and please, please don't share them with anyone. Or have you shared them already?

 

[1203976]

Listen, obviously he's changed. He does not owe you and explanation really. He started sending them to you on his own. Did you ask him, why he did that when it started? If so, what did he say? What's important here is if he is/was your best friend you should accept what he is saying because if you keep this up, not only will you be wondering why he stopped sending them, you'll also be wondering why you aren't talking/friends anymore.

I personally like understanding or closure, but I refuse to let it destroy my friendships with people. I hope you really will respect his boundaries. Enjoy the ones he has sent you and please, please don't share them with anyone. Or have you shared them already?

God no, I didn't even save them! I would never, EVER, betray his (or anyone else's) trust. And no, I never asked, I just let it happen because for me, friends have no boundaries, friends have no things that are 'off limits' and we were just being friends. But now he refuses to explain why he won't do it anymore

 

[hzs3fg]

God no, I didn't even save them! I would never, EVER, betray his (or anyone else's) trust. And no, I never asked, I just let it happen because for me, friends have no boundaries, friends have no things that are 'off limits' and we were just being friends. But now he refuses to explain why he won't do it anymore

You think you have the right to an explanation.

He thinks he has the right to not say anything beyond what he has already said.

He is correct; you are not. It's his story to tell only when and if he wants to tell it.

 

[ThePeen]

We could all keep on saying maybe it’s this maybe it’s that but the bottom line is, as he said, he just doesn’t want to and that should be good enough. He doesn’t owe you anything regarding HIS pictures and videos. The fact that you keep bringing it up to him and feel entitled to an explanation even though he said he doesn’t want to is probably making him even more uncomfortable with this and pushing him further away as a friend so if you care about his friendship you’d drop this subject.

He does not owe you an explanation. Life happens and people change and outgrow certain behavior. It doesn’t have to be anything personal with you. To him that’s a boundary he wants to have now and if you care about the friendship you’d respect that. If he’s continuing to be as good of a friend to you as he’s always been (minus this) then I’d protect the friendship and drop this.

I used to have a friend like that where he’d be so comfortable with nudity all the time and now we are still closer than ever but whenever we room together for anything he’s a little shyer about the nudity. It’s nothing personal, life happens and people change.

 

[RamblingCock]

I genuinely don't mind that he doesn't want to send stuff anymore - like yeah, it sucks, but whatever - but what I really want is just for him to tell me WHY so I can understand

I understand your feelings here, but - as others have recommended - you should back off and give him space. After a time he may feel unpressured enough he'll share what changed. But repeatedly asking him may be backing him into a corner.

My best bud and I went through a definite period of estrangement. Politics, a different world-view, etc. It became tense. So we backed off and cooled down. Tried a few times to get together, which had a low-key discomfort. I backed away and went on with my life.

(This is a guy I've blogged about periodically. We've spent a lot of time naked and drunk together. He was closer than a brother in many ways. Completely and committedly straight, but we've shared some intimate moments.)

As I've recounted, at some point he decided he'd prefer the more intimate friendship back intact and one afternoon came over. We had an honest, frank discussion. And then we stripped off, jumped in the pool and spent the next day and a half naked in my yard and house, just having (non-sexual, guy-bonding) fun.

My advice: give it time, stop hounding him and see where it goes. Whatever set him off is apparently something he's not prepared to discuss. Drop the topic, enjoy the friendship, recognize you've seen more of him than most people, and appreciate a close friend.

At some point he'll be comfortable enough to explain. On his own terms, in his own time.

 

[deleted18388141]

It s not a contract! He might have done it before because he felt to… and now he doesn’t
you need to learn boundries : what is intimate what is private what is public…
u have to remind urself with that! Start with thinking this : imagine a guy u kissed once but u didn t like it! But he is following u everywhere asking u to kiss him again: as u did it once u should do it again!
same logic! revise your boundries too
and ask urself why are u locking ursef on someone (impossible to get)
the sea is full of fish! A friend is like a brother
wank this fantasy out of ur system

 

[John Lock]

My opinion is that you seriously need to rethink of your actions and stop bringing that damn topic if he already said to you that he doesn't feel comfortable. What's so hard to understand? LET GO OF IT ALREADY! It's like a ticking time bomb and you just don't get it. He doesn't want to tell you why because he might not even know why, he just don't feel that way anymore! Personally from what I've read from you, you aren't willing to give up so I'll just straight up say you've already lost your friend.