Hand on the thigh thing

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Pene_Negro_Grande, May 16, 2005.

  1. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Someone brought this subject up in another section and I felt like elaborating...Grabbing the thigh thing as coming on to you has made me start to think now...I totally thought it was kind of innocent but who knows...This guy that I have been hanging out with for about 3 or 4 months has always been really friendly with me since the first day we met...Always considered him straight and he did have a girlfriend when I first met him but he quickly broke up w/her not too long after we started hanging out...

    But Saturday he came over to my loft to hang out for awhile which he never really done before since we usually meet at the bar...Well after being there for awhile he asked me (don't take offense or anything but are you gay because I consider you a really good friend)...I said no and he quickly apologized and said it would not matter either way...He is probably one of the nicest people I have ever met and I know he is not homophobic at all because he has a gay friends that I know he is really good friends with...

    That being said when we were out Saturday night and it was pretty late and we had been partying a bit he sat next to me on a couch at this club pretty close and started talking to me and put his hand on my mid thigh...I didn't think anything of it thinking he was just making a point and get my attention...He left his hand on my thigh for a couple of minutes and then I thought it might mean more...Plus he rubbed the top of my head a couple of times...

    I mean I have got drunk several times and crashed on his couch and nothing ever seemed weird about that...Like I said I have always considered this guy straight and I am not the type to ask a person if they are gay or not...I rather a person be comfortable enough to tell me...I really like this guy because he is a really truly good and positive person and a good friend and sometimes in the world today that is hard to find...But anyway has anyone ever being in a situation like this or what do you think was happening...
     
  2. viking

    viking New Member

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    Whether or not he's gay, it sounds like he was flirting with you.
    I am a very physical man and am comfortable with all levels of touching.

    But, I know that if I put my hand on another mans thigh, I'm not doing it by accident.
     
  3. dickbulge

    dickbulge New Member

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    hee-hee
    As a gay man I love those those buddy-buddy touches! When a straight guy is comfortable with me and I with him one can get away with lots of things. Swats on the butt (good job!), arm on the shoulder (how ya do'in buddy?!), hand on the thigh (this is an important point!). tug at crotch (your own) (damn that was a sweaty workout!) or (shit, I'm so horny I could fuck the crack of dawn!).

    But a lingering hand resting on yout thigh? - he was flirting.

    This could be awkward PNG- its sort of a test of your integrity. Are YOU attracted to him? You probably could not remain friends with him if you let something happen so is the sex worth losing him as a friend?
     
  4. BobLeeSwagger

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    Obviously I haven't done that with a man. I'm not the most touchy-feely guy, so anything but the most casual physical contact with a woman is flirting on my part.

    Even if he says he isn't gay, I think he's shown that he's emotionally attached to you. Whether that means he's curious, confused, in denial....who knows.
     
  5. Altairion

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    I'm not a real physical guy normally, so the whole touching thing is not something I do a ton. I've gotten better at it lately, but when my friend (who is gay) pats my back or puts his hand on my shoulder initially made me uncomfortable. Not many people do that, and it took me a while to adjust to it and not shy away. Not really because of his orientation, but just because of what I'm used to.

    Anyway, with that background out there, my personal belief is that a hand on the thigh....automatically raises a flag. If he left it there while you two were just hanging out, it certainly sounds like more. We all have our own individual concepts of this, but he would have to be really loose and open to do something and not have anything (whether truly intentional or not) behind it.
     
  6. KidBrown

    KidBrown New Member

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    I dunno, sometimes straight guys can get touchy at times too. I'm a touchy drunk, although I wouldn't place my hand on another guys thigh, I hug my friends and all. So who knows? It's not really a big deal unless it keeps on happening, I'd just let it pass to be honest man. No use making a situation out of it that will make you both feel uncomfortable around each other.
     
  7. steve319

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    A lot of us certainly are raised to avoid physical signs of comradeship with other men--part of our puritanical heritage, I'm sure. One friend of mine, though, is very physical with us buddies, so who's to say? I'm not sure that a hand on the thigh always has to indicate "something more."

    Combine that, however, with your friend's earlier question to you and the whole "a couple of minutes" thing, and the evidence, circumstantial as it may be, does sort of pile up, doesn't it?

    I started to ask you if you wish you'd casually moved your leg to, say, get another round of drinks or something, but as I began to type that, it struck me that we're all just guessing as to where his thoughts lie.

    As an outsider to the situation (who doesn't really have any business offering much in the way of opinion), I'd say that he may be testing the waters for the prospect of that aforementioned "something more."

    You're right to be cautious here. If he's struggling with his own feelings, rejection could lead to self-loathing and lashing out on his part. There's certainly potential for hurt feelings and loss of friendship if things go badly, and that would be a shame since it sounds like you are pleased to have him as a friend.

    While I haven't been in an identical situation, I have, on a few occasions, had friends want to take our relationship to another level, but, in every case, the timing or circumstances or my own feelings has ruled that out (on my end).

    For me, the ability to talk relatively openly yet very cautiously has worked out OK, but part of that may be attributable to my general "absentminded professor" personality. Cluelessness (genuine or feigned ;) ) has worked for me sometimes too. It's a tough card trick to pull off: simultaneous romantic rejection and friendship preservation. (But it can be done with no lasting ill effects--or maybe I'm clueless to that as well...)

    At any rate, I'd advise moving slowly with this, sparing his feelings, and not leading him on (unless you're considering trying that "something more").
     
  8. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I actually did get up and pretended I had to talk to my other friend that was in the other room...I have been in this situation before w/3 other good guy friends before and 2 of them got weirded out afterwards and eventually moved and the 3rd who I am still pretty close with - we never discussed it again...And the last incident happened well over a year and a half ago...I have got the vibe or a thought that he might be a little curious but I don't want to risk a night of curiousity for a real friend...Plus I was out with this girl I had just met and I want to see where this is headed with her...Definitely try not lead him on...Funny I have a hard time looking him in the eye when he talks to me lately...
     
  9. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    That is funny I have straight friends that do that all the time...One friend who is an athlete does slap me on the butt everytime he sees me and I have a friend that walks up behind you and grabs my shoulders and gives a slight rub and my best friend who likes to walk around in his boxer and tug at his crotch or rub his pubic area inside his boxers...So that is pretty funny you said that...

    Hmm - It did cross my mind that he was testing the water...I do like him but don't think I like him in that way...Don't get me wrong the guy is very attractive (6'3'' and sculpted body)...I always try to hook him up w/hot chicks...Like I said I have been there 3 or 4 times and it doesn't quite work the way I want...Plus we both hang in the same social circle and I do not want him to feel uncomfortable because I know I can handle it w/o it being a problem...I think I am just curious about his intentions because I could be totally wrong about it because I have been wrong about something like this before but it ended up cool...
     
  10. B_UNKNOWN321

    B_UNKNOWN321 New Member

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    This guy is physically attracted to you -- no ifs, ands or buts. The question about being gay was obviously to determine how quickly he could soften you up to some physical interaction, so your answer only slowed down the seduction. If you do not want this to continue, you will have to take positive assertive actions to stop it. And if you do, and he still is friendly, maybe he will get the point that you have drawn the line across which you will not cross and can be your friend without bedding you down. Otherwise if all this is just a sexual attraction to you, he will stop showing any attention to you at all. You decide what you want and and what you are willing to do to satisfy this man's obvious sensual interest in you which I tend to believe is his only real interest.
     
  11. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I am hoping it is more than just that...I really think we are just good friends because I hung out w/this guy for like 3 or 4 months w/o having any suspicions or weird vibes like recently...Actually I just hung out w/him tonight and it was really cool - nothing like Saturday but we were w/our group of friends...
     
  12. B_UNKNOWN321

    B_UNKNOWN321 New Member

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    Sexual interest could have developed after the "hands off" friendship, but I fear that once it has reached that level it will never completely revert to the good old buddy relationship. Sometime when you (and possibly he too) least expect it you both will be in a close encounter situation alone and you innocently will be discussing something rather sensitive to him and before you know it, you will be in a serious groping situation, exactly what you did not want. I think others have questioned the man's interest in his son. I remember the famous case where a boy was kidnapped for about five years and raised by this pervert who sexually abused the boy in every way imaginable and then invite boy's friends over for parties and hit on them. When they asked the "son" why he allowed them to come into that trap, he replied, "because it gives me some welcome relief for what he does to me". I would stay as far away as possible, if not, just be prepared either eventually to fully engage in a sexual relationship (cannot see any ultimate benefit to that) or have a very nasty confrontation -- it will most certainly happen. Be careful!
     
  13. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I hope this is not the case...I really can't see the guy even if he did like me in that way getting upset or some sort of confrontation just because I might not be into him in that way...Like I said this guy probably truly one of the nicest people I have ever met...He has a really good heart and personality...Like I said the guy is really positive and that is the type of folks I like to surround myself by...We all look out for each other and take care of each other...
     
  14. SpiceboyMJ

    SpiceboyMJ New Member

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    Call me crazy but I just don't see the big deal about your friend leaving his hand on your thigh regardless if he is straight or not. Granted, I was not there and I don't know either of you personally but I would just take it as a friendly gesture. I am an openly physical and affectionate person and I have done that before and not thought twice about it. Best of luck to you and your friend.
     
  15. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    That is what I am pretty much taking it as...Like I said I could be overreacting and it could just be nothing...Just had a weird feeling and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable...
     
  16. B_UNKNOWN321

    B_UNKNOWN321 New Member

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    I hope this is not the case...I really can't see the guy even if he did like me in that way getting upset or some sort of confrontation just because I might not be into him in that way...Like I said this guy probably truly one of the nicest people I have ever met...He has a really good heart and personality...Like I said the guy is really positive and that is the type of folks I like to surround myself by...We all look out for each other and take care of each other...
    [post=312415]Quoted post[/post]​
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    But you are forgetting that though the man most certainly can be the nicest man you have ever met, he is not dead sexually and if his sexual proclivities include handsome young men, then you are stirring an interest in him well beyond that which he would bestow just in cordial very friendly overtures. As God is my witness, he wants to have sex with you -- there is no sin in that -- you obviously must be very sexually attractive to both sexes. But the question is, would you be willing to have a serious battle with him when he moves forward in his sexual advances to you and you find it offensive to you? Since you still seem to think this relationship is merely a pair of good buddies, then you must steel yourself if you value his friendship regardless of his profound carnal interest in you to have a sexual relationship. But you must think of the ramifications -- suppose he has a stable of young fledgling inductees to his sexual conquests or suppose he wants you to be a participant in a disgusting and degrading male-male sex act, and what about his son and what might he do to you to retaliate if you suddenly break off the relationship after you consummate it and find it not very fulfilling. I repeat, the man has expressed himself in the clearest possible way, he wants to sexually couple with you -- if you can accept this obvious truth, what do you want of him and how much of you are you willing to give to him in return? you are probably not his first sexually arousing young man and he has probably developed some very endearing lines, so be prepared for his not accepting a no very easily. Good luck in this doomed relationship.
     
  17. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Wow - kinda morbid...Hmm - doesn't seem that intense...How far am I willing to go...Definitely not looking for a relationship right now w/a male or a female...I am enjoying my single life lately...It is weird how you go through dry phases when it is hard for you to hookup and then a phase when everyone tries to hook up w/you (usually when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend)...I am going through the phase when everyone is pushing up on me but I am single so it is way more enjoyable (LOL)...Must be the new cologne (LOL)...
     
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