Harmful Or Benign?

Sagittarius84

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Long story short, there is dissatisfaction in the frequency and quality of me and my wife's sex life. I have been honest and not accusatory about it with her, and she has been...forthcoming as to her continued sexual desire for me, as well as the health issues that hinder our intimacy(has been diagnosed with possible vaginal vericose veins or gout, or some sort of clitoral eczema), not to mention the time and privacy hindrances we both have.
As such patience and compromise have been the key and that has resulted in a reliable schedule of 1 sex encounter every 3-3.5 weeks(usually 1-2 days prior to her period), not sustainably a long term ideal, but Im not interesting in hurting her or making sex a painful experience, so again, compromise.
What that has done is highlight the instances that deviate from that norm, and Im starting to notice a pattern that seemingly goes back to when we were first together and banging daily almost, in that it seems to be inspired by fears of mate poaching. Case in point, the 3-3.5 week mark was a couple of days ago, so like normal we end up having sex. So now as I don't anticipate any opportunities in the immediate future, I concentrate on staving off frustration and resentment for another 3 weeks. My wife gets a call from her teenaged niece whom just started work at a fast food restaurant. I, just hrs before, had been questioned by a co-worker about this same niece because this restaurant happens to be my co-workers 2nd job. My niece was relaying that to my wife, who immediately shot me a look and asked her to generally describe the employee, a fair skinned 19 yr old woman, which got me side eye #2. Now mind you I work with lots of folks in a place with high turnover, separated from virtually all of them by department, i see and greet in passing or at breaks, zero side by side or in depth discussion, just pleasantries and greetings. On top of that the pandemic has limited my social interactions drastically for the past yr, so I hadnt even been in situations which could inflame her insecurities for awhile. In either case I got to endure questions rooted in insecurity(in a joking non accusatory manner, to her credit)and some teasing before I went to bed(I work nights). Minutes later, my wife is in the bed with me, hornily aggressive as she was during our dating phase(more so than normal), so much so I may have been able to help her to squirt for the 1st time, ever(or I was good enough to cause her to lose control and pee a little, either is a win in my book). It wasnt until after I woke up, went to work and had time to talk to myself and sort out my thoughts that I recognized this pattern of ultra aggressive, out of pattern sex that coincides with when she seemingly perceived a romantic/sexual rival was in proximity, particularly one that possessed or inhabited something that spoke to whatever insecurity she had; a trend that stems literally from the 1st time we ever hooked up
My questions after all that are, is it healthy behavior on her part, that the best sex game she brings to the table only seems to come from mate poaching scares, and am I right for feeling some kind of weird way about it? Now that Ive started to notice the pattern, I feel ickier about capitalizing upon the extra sexual opportunities afforded to me, while simultaneously feeling icky about passing up the same opportunities given the health and intimacy situation as is.
 

Sagittarius84

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I'm sick of hearing you piss and moan about your dry dick.
And yet you read and comment...
I get it...you dont much care for me, and that's cool. But if you're going to exert the effort to engage with me at least practice a little reading comprehension. I purposely make an effort, based upon context of our previous interactions, to leave you alone, not to comment nor read any of your posts, to stay in my corner so to speak...pity you cant do the same.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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And yet you read and comment...
I get it...you dont much care for me, and that's cool. But if you're going to exert the effort to engage with me at least practice a little reading comprehension. I purposely make an effort, based upon context of our previous interactions, to leave you alone, not to comment nor read any of your posts, to stay in my corner so to speak...pity you cant do the same.

You're not as intellectual as you try to sound. It's fucking annoying.

Have fun chaffing.
 
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Mittimer

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There's not a lot to unpack here. You're unhappy with sexual frequency as per usual. Yet, wife is insecure and let's your young niece trigger said insecurity and you get laid out of that.

It's toxic, unhealthy and needs to be talked about.

Or, if you are as unhappy as you have been since the days you joined sf and complained about lack of sex, find a different partner. End it, move on, finish the nonsense, stop making excuses and just go.

Relationships end for far less than a dead bedroom, which yours has been for years.
 

Sagittarius84

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There's not a lot to unpack here. You're unhappy with sexual frequency as per usual. Yet, wife is insecure and let's your young niece trigger said insecurity and you get laid out of that.

It's toxic, unhealthy and needs to be talked about.

Or, if you are as unhappy as you have been since the days you joined sf and complained about lack of sex, find a different partner. End it, move on, finish the nonsense, stop making excuses and just go.

Relationships end for far less than a dead bedroom, which yours has been for years.
My bedroom hasn't been dead for years....?
I dont know where you got that impression, Ive often reported ebbs and flows in our sex life. Ive come to the temporary conclusion with other issues out of the way, that valid health issues, and mutual lack of opportunity/privacy necessitate compromise. We've had the talks. Ive gotten a chance to explain my frustrations, she, her fears. We've been in a good place henceforth, sure Id love more sex, but my dissatisfaction isn't with her it's for the situation out of either of our respective controls.
She's working with doctors, and despite my physical frustrations, I play my part in supporting her and keeping the sexual pressure off of her.

Had we just been going along and I wasnt paying attention during our normal 3-3.5wk cycle there wouldnt be a thread to post. Honestly with knowledge of available opportunity/privacy and health issues involved, though not explicitly satisfied, I can suck it up like an adult.
Having posted so much, I figured this process was made known, but knowing there was some private conversations involved perhaps that wasnt made clear...or people are cherry picking what they will of my posts...either way TL; DR Dissatisfaction is a reality of adult life, the current sexual frequency wasnt the issue but context.

My concern is the correlation to sexual upticks in frequency and intensity...where before I simply counted my blessings as it where, now that I've made the connection, it feels icky.
 

Scarletbegonia

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I find it flabbergasting that her doctor is simply tossing out two incredibly rare options and then “eczema.”


So, your wife is in pain, limits sexual activity without pressure, likely having it despite the fact that it hurts for your benefit, and all you focus on in your overly detailed treatise is that you work around attractive young women and that triggers jealousy in your life partner?

I’d be focusing on the human and not the vagina.
 

Sagittarius84

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I find it flabbergasting that her doctor is simply tossing out two incredibly rare options and then “eczema.”


So, your wife is in pain, limits sexual activity without pressure, likely having it despite the fact that it hurts for your benefit, and all you focus on in your overly detailed treatise is that you work around attractive young women and that triggers jealousy in your life partner?

I’d be focusing on the human and not the vagina.
As far as diagnosis this has been an ongoing thing with multiple doctors...the first thought was yeast infection and we're just now getting away from that with 2nd, 3rd and 4th opinions.

Projection is weird...at no time did I ever insinuate the attractiveness of the women I work with. And Im sorry for the abundance of detail, but I know how threads like this go...there will be contextual questions, why not present all of the information upfront?
And again the focus is not the jealousy Ive taken that as a common given. The issue is the jealousy manifesting in higher frequency/higher intensity sex, which until recently I hadnt made the connection...I simply thought I was fortunate at those times.
Im am more worried about the person than the vagina because now that I am aware, its a countdown until the next out of ordinary encounter where I may have to pump the brakes, leading to further issues.
I looked the gift horse in the mouth and it made me feel some type of way about continuing to indulge..I wanted to make sure I wasnt just overthinking something, but also not contributing a toxic air to our sexual intimacy.
 

Scarletbegonia

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There’s a disconnect in your words and the intention/ action I sense behind them.

I’m going with a better case scenario, and I’ll assume you are seeking to be the person you write about. (I’ve known many good men who took a while to embody where their soul was leading.)

You know your partner experiences great discomfort in intimacy.
Your body still craves this.
And when hers does, you take full part. Yet, afterward, when the chemical storm slows, your concern re-emerges. That’s basic human.
So, you are trying to work this out, in words.
Yet, your postings all come across as “I asked advice and you all hanged up on me.” Every single time. Ego taking over when soul should, maybe?

When you go into your details, you hide behind your words. It’s a comfortable place.
Yet, it’s recurring that you bring up other women, with details. Details that are more apt in Letters to Penthouse. They feel prurient, rather than the foil they should be unless you actually have desire for these other people, despite your protests.

So, conversations are needed, about mismatched desire, mismatched ability, the difference between wanting sex and actually being able to perform (something all couples should discuss, and it really benefits men as testosterone levels flux). Real conversations with doctors and therapists. Maybe even pelvic floor PTs.

Meanwhile, I suggest depersonifying your self pleasure. And limit it. Or you might be the non performing person sometime.

Also, you write about us not liking you. We only know your through writing style. How you respond to information you requested. We don’t know you, or your partner. We know what you choose to share, and how you do that works like spoken inflection.
Maybe, just maybe, if you ask, you should listen with humility.
Someone wise once told me, if everyone in your life is mad at you, remember you are the common denominator.
 

Sagittarius84

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Yet, your postings all come across as “I asked advice and you all hanged up on me.” Every single time. Ego taking over when soul
I feel like thats a very colored translation of my interactions. I wouldnt mind radio silence in the least, what I dont prefer is when people with no intention of answering my questions, opt to still respond to my posts simply to offer their personal personal feelings about me and my situation..at least you and one other still answered the question at hand
When you go into your details, you hide behind your words. It’s a comfortable place.
Yet, it’s recurring that you bring up other women, with details. Details that are more apt in Letters to Penthouse. They feel prurient, rather than the foil they should be unless you actually have desire for these other people, despite your protests.
I bring up the other women because there is an overarching social narrative that implies that more often than not insecurity from a woman about such things stems from a justifiable observation of a man's actions/feelings. In yrs past, specifically because I believed there was an unequal yoking in our attraction for each other, I probably was more receptive to the idea of women around me(though I would never act upon it), since then, as illustrated by the lengthy stories that seem to annoy so much, that idea of mutual attraction and desire has knocked out any further receptive attitude.
So, conversations are needed, about mismatched desire, mismatched ability, the difference between wanting sex and actually being able to perform (something all couples should discuss, and it really benefits men as testosterone levels flux). Real conversations with doctors and therapists. M
This is how I know a lot of my responses are reactions and not responses. Mismatched desire is no longer an issue. Its literally an issue of ability now as series of past discussions have motivated her to be more forthcoming with her desire even if her body cant back up her intentions.
Also, you write about us not liking you. We only know your through writing style. How you respond to information you requested. We don’t know you, or your partner. We know what you choose to share, and how you do that works like spoken inflection.
Maybe, just maybe, if you ask, you s
There is no mention of my observation of some collective dislike. There is no 'us' to refer to. That is a response reserved specifically for those whom, unlike yourself, opt to respond to my threads with nothing but vitriol and negativity. I dont mind critique in the least, I also dont mind insights into ones mind state, and understand that it can come off as unnecessarily combative sometimes...but is an acceptable thing as long as the question itself is adhered to and answered. If I simply checked into a post from a woman lamenting about the lack of sex she was getting from her significant other and asking for advice to move forward with nothing more than, "Im sick and tired of hearing about your crusty, dry pussy", no matter her post history, I think there'd be a different vibe at play.
Someone wise once told me, if everyone in your life is mad at you, remember you are the common denominator.
Everyone isnt...lets be totally honest here, the only place I seem to have an issue with women in general is in this little online sex space and even then it's a small demographic . Nowhere else in social media nor real life do my words or opinions generate such distaste.
 

Scarletbegonia

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My first response was a comment on the state of medical care.

it seems you need a simple answer:
Anything that triggers jealousy is harmful long term.

if this were my partner, I’d pause the fun adult moment (knowing the no more adult moment risk) and ask “what brought this on?”
And really listen to the answer.
It could surprise you.
 

Sagittarius84

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My first response was a comment on the state of medical care.

it seems you need a simple answer:
Anything that triggers jealousy is harmful long term.

if this were my partner, I’d pause the fun adult moment (knowing the no more adult moment risk) and ask “what brought this on?”
And really listen to the answer.
It could surprise you.
Im going to be a good sport and earnestly try this..but what happens when the ego gets in the way...because realistically the initial answer is not going to be self deprecating. And typically, both in real life and online, one of the surest ways to draw ire from women in the moment is to question their decision making, agency, or motivation behind consent. So if I make this observation and ask the question, with no real discerning answer, what's the next step? "Naw, gurl you jealous as fuq, hands off until you work that out? Assume my wife isnt as forthcoming or openly sexually progressive as the ladies here...whats a safe approach?
 

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Long story short, there is dissatisfaction in the frequency and quality of me and my wife's sex life. I have been honest and not accusatory about it with her, and she has been...forthcoming as to her continued sexual desire for me, as well as the health issues that hinder our intimacy(has been diagnosed with possible vaginal vericose veins or gout, or some sort of clitoral eczema), not to mention the time and privacy hindrances we both have.
As such patience and compromise have been the key and that has resulted in a reliable schedule of 1 sex encounter every 3-3.5 weeks(usually 1-2 days prior to her period), not sustainably a long term ideal, but Im not interesting in hurting her or making sex a painful experience, so again, compromise.
What that has done is highlight the instances that deviate from that norm, and Im starting to notice a pattern that seemingly goes back to when we were first together and banging daily almost, in that it seems to be inspired by fears of mate poaching. Case in point, the 3-3.5 week mark was a couple of days ago, so like normal we end up having sex. So now as I don't anticipate any opportunities in the immediate future, I concentrate on staving off frustration and resentment for another 3 weeks. My wife gets a call from her teenaged niece whom just started work at a fast food restaurant. I, just hrs before, had been questioned by a co-worker about this same niece because this restaurant happens to be my co-workers 2nd job. My niece was relaying that to my wife, who immediately shot me a look and asked her to generally describe the employee, a fair skinned 19 yr old woman, which got me side eye #2. Now mind you I work with lots of folks in a place with high turnover, separated from virtually all of them by department, i see and greet in passing or at breaks, zero side by side or in depth discussion, just pleasantries and greetings. On top of that the pandemic has limited my social interactions drastically for the past yr, so I hadnt even been in situations which could inflame her insecurities for awhile. In either case I got to endure questions rooted in insecurity(in a joking non accusatory manner, to her credit)and some teasing before I went to bed(I work nights). Minutes later, my wife is in the bed with me, hornily aggressive as she was during our dating phase(more so than normal), so much so I may have been able to help her to squirt for the 1st time, ever(or I was good enough to cause her to lose control and pee a little, either is a win in my book). It wasnt until after I woke up, went to work and had time to talk to myself and sort out my thoughts that I recognized this pattern of ultra aggressive, out of pattern sex that coincides with when she seemingly perceived a romantic/sexual rival was in proximity, particularly one that possessed or inhabited something that spoke to whatever insecurity she had; a trend that stems literally from the 1st time we ever hooked up
My questions after all that are, is it healthy behavior on her part, that the best sex game she brings to the table only seems to come from mate poaching scares, and am I right for feeling some kind of weird way about it? Now that Ive started to notice the pattern, I feel ickier about capitalizing upon the extra sexual opportunities afforded to me, while simultaneously feeling icky about passing up the same opportunities given the health and intimacy situation as is.
I don't think it is weird as a sexual game. Perhaps she finds it really exciting to imagine you in sexual situations, like sexual tension, with other women.

I like to imagine my man with other women and sometimes I'll ask questions like "did she/he suck your dick?" about people who I'm sure did not, just for a naughty laugh that may end up as sex, or not.

As for the conditions she's going through, I'm so sorry for her and for you! On top of all the other issues you've talked about before, this is sad news! I hope she'll find out soon what the problem is and that there's a solution for it, something to help her.

I imagine it must be difficult for you, kind of wanting sex, that is something natural for us, but at the same time know it can hurt your wife. Not easy. She must also feel bad about it, between desire and pain. Not a nice place to be.

Perhaps some types of sex are easier and not painful. I remember you doesn't like oral sex, but perhaps just fingering... something to keep it going without the pain.

Good luck!