Has sleeping w/cheating gf's affected your hope for a faithful relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by pablo229, Sep 17, 2010.

  1. pablo229

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    I admit, over the years I've had sex with a few girls who were some other guy's girlfriend. I'm in my early-mid thirties now (and unmarried, w/o kids), and as I get older, my priorities seem to shift from being a happy-go-lucky guy in his twenties to thinking more long term...especially in terms of finding one woman I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.

    I think no matter how much some people think they don't need to ever get married or find 'the one' (as people call it) to be their spouse for the rest of their life, there is a part of *almost* everyone who would still wish to find something close to it. Which brings me to a dilemma I've thought about for many years:

    Has your hope for finding a truly monogomous life-long partner been jaded by other guys' girlfriends that seem to be very, very loyal... but then have sex with you or some other guy?

    I've had sex with 5 girls (pretty sure it's 5) over the course of my 15 or so sexually active years that I knew, when it happened or started to continually happen, she was supposed to be monogomous with another guy. I have not had a large amount of sex partners in my life, so the fact that I've been with 5 is not a result of me being with a really large number of girls.

    In fact, with the 5 I'm thinking of, they almost threw themselves at me. They made it as easy as possible for me to lift a finger and get rewarded. Two of them I met in a party-type situation. One of them, we did it that night. She spoke of a boyfriend. Looking back, before I started talking to her that night, I heard her gf's talking about her bf in one of the conversations. I didn't know they were her gf's when I heard it, but at the end of the night and next morning, I put it all together. I still think she was in a relationship that night we did it, even though I'm older now and know sometimes girls talk about a fake bf if they think it will get a certain result. The other one of the 5 I met at a party and we ended up hooking up a few times; but the 2nd time I saw her during this, her bf was at that party, we ignored each other and know one knew. But we still hooked up a few times after that night. That was years ago.

    The 3rd of the 5 was a girl I worked with at a restaurant. We both waited tables. Hook ups happen all the time at waiting jobs. We flirted at work. But after her bf moved to attend college, she went for me. And she was crazy-kinky in bed. We had a furious sex life for several months, and she still kept her bf. She even mentioned him once in awhile when we were lying in bed, covered in sweat and breathing heavy. The things she would say sometimes about me in comparison to how her bf fucked her, wow. Only talked that way a couple times, but still, wow. They came into our work restaurant on her day off about 7-8 months after we had started so I knew they were still together. Another 4 months and she transferred to a 4-yr school and: <poof>, she stopped calling me. Gone forever.

    The fourth was a girl who dated a guy who was in a band her bf and I were in for a short time. One night during rehearsal, he and the other guys looked thru a playboy mag, and during smokes, conversation and catcalls about the pic's, she seemed to get a little shy/insecure. About breast size specifically, it seemed. During some more talking, during a side conversation, I reminded her that she didn't need to worry about the pics and complimented her beauty. She perked up a little when I did. (She was very, very cute, but had small breasts. That's what worried her.) At the end of practice when everyone said 'goodnight' she gave me an extended hug and didn't let go. An unusual type of hug for her. A few months later her relationship was on the rocks, and we ran into each other at a party that night. Her bf wasn't there. I knew he had slept with a couple other girls while with her (typical band member activity), even though she didn't know. I never told her. She flirted w/me, we hooked up that night. She was uh-MAZ-ing, too. It seemed like she really let off some steam once we got into it. No contact from her for a few months after that. Band dissolved. Her man left town. Then she called. We hooked up once more shortly after that and then I called her several times after and she never returned calls. Heard she moved to go join that old bf. Oh well. I might have been in love after that 1st time but definitely after that 2nd time. She's the one I really wish would've turned into something between us. Awesome girl.

    The last of the 5 was not so much an emotional connection, but the worst part is... that she was married. I was in my early 20's, she was about early-30's. With a baby, that went w/the husband who was out of town for a few days. And this was just before the time everyone had text messages and easy, instant communication in the middle of the night. So no worries. She had flirted with me several times. I think she may have hooked up with other guys before me while she was married. Later gossip and clues added up to me realizing that when I look back. But I feel bad to this day. Because we did in her bed. Their bed. The sweat, the juices. Sometimes I think that's what will put me in Hell, above all other things. I knew her hubby. We'd jammed together playing music several times before that day. I never saw her again after that one day. Four months later I moved to a neighboring city and lost touch eventually.

    So, my point is, as I hope to find a woman one day who can join me in being faithful to each other, I worry about the things I've experienced with seemingly happy girlfriends who changed their mood when their man was not around. It's not like they all do this to me. Many more gf's have not even flirted with me... much less threw themselves at me.

    But I wonder if some of those other gf's have given in to someone else? A couple of the girls I mentioned above really seemed like the loyal type. That one that I mentioned I REALLY wanted to keep seeing seemed like a VERY faithful gf to her man. It's not like I'm a really attractive guy, either. I'm alright, but most girls won't really swoon over my looks. And it's not like I have a huge member. It's alright. I'm not very long (6.5"), but I do have exactly 6" girth (Magnum XL, true enough). But I don't think I have a "once-in-a-lifetime" cock that would cause any of the above 5 girls to sleep with me because they heard about it or anything like that, right?

    So, please, share your thoughts and experiences about this. Have your desires to find a girl who is truly monogomous been jaded over the years by other guys' long-term gf's hooking up with you? Or maybe they hooked up with other guys and you knew it but couldn't tell the bf? Have these things generally affected your hopes for life-long monogamy?

    (One final note, everyting is true. No need to move to the "ficticious stories" area. The five girls I mentioned did not happen in the order listed, I've grouped them together by similarites, not chronology. I was not involved with a gf of my own when these events happened. It's a really long post, but I want to detail my expriences so people have a chance to identify with them.)
     
  2. THEDUDEofDestiny

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    totally. my last girlfriend cheated on me, my brother's wife cheated on him when he was stationed in fucking afghanistan, and i have on more than one occasion taking a woman home from a bar that was married. i try to treat every woman like an individual but i can't get over the creeping notion that most women have entirely unrealistic ideas about what a marriage is, and so i've tabled thoughts of that entirely. women are just terrible. most men are too, but all women are.
     
  3. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Mate, I've had sex with a number of guys who had girlfriends or wives. Not all were in open relationships. So it works both ways.

    We just have to trust that the person we choose as a long term partner values monogamy, and work hard to make sure they'll want to stay around.
     
  4. D_Edwin Eatser

    D_Edwin Eatser New Member

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    Most of the affairs and one-night stands I had while married to my ex were with married women or ones with partners. Why they were 'cheating' and whether their partners knew was not my concern; my motive was my high sex-drive and I guess theirs was similar. I didn't particularly want a 'faithful' relationship and would have been happy if my ex had lovers. I'm now remarried in an open relationship; we swing together and sometimes have one-on-ones with others, and that suits both of us fine. If your objective is just sexual pleasure, why not? If you're looking for love when you are 'unfaithful' that's different.
     
  5. cece

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    I'm sorry that you've been jaded by your experiences, but don't let your fears hold you back from finding what you want in life. I don't think it's right to assume that everyone will be unfaithful-I'm sure there are many women out there who will chose to be monogamous, just as some men chose to be too. However, you'll never discover them unless you try to find them. I still think that's its' better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
     
  6. Shadontay

    Shadontay New Member

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    I just hope you changed your ways. Yes, if you were single then most of the blame falls on the girl. You could have stopped yourself, though you probably rationalized that it would just be some other lucky guy then, and took your opportunity. I've always turned away from girls who flirted when they had boyfriends. I didn't like that they did this and found it very unattractive. I figured if they do it to their current boyfriend, why wouldn't they do it to me (I've never been a big fan of one-night stands).

    It comes down to this: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I am not religious at all, but believe in this statement fully. Think to yourself when the situation arises, how you would feel if some other guy was trying to get at your girlfriend. It sounds like that's what's eating at you right now. I think you're just fearing possible karmic retribution for your youthful misgivings.

    That being said, it seems like you've changed your ways, and if you're genuine about it I doubt you will face the wrath of your maker. People change. As long as you're not just doing it to suit your needs. Meaning now that you've decided you're through with your fun time (after contributing in unfaithful acts), you suddenly demand faithful women.

    You have to change also, and far be it from me to judge anyone based on a single post. So look inside yourself and make sure this isn't just a selfish request to fulfill your new desires, and is a true commitment to being a better man yourself.

    If you are sincere, good luck to you sir.
     
  7. Bbucko

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    If monogamy is an imperative, then hold out for someone you can trust and live inside the lines. There are still plenty of men and women of honor, you've just gotta do some digging, that's all.
     
  8. pablo229

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    Thx for that. I figured it was so for both sides. If any women have input into the subject I'm grateful. And of course, I'm always grateful for Subgirrl's input...
     
  9. pablo229

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    You're right. The karma thing is digging at me now. The 2 girls I met at parties were something i experienced at a younger adult age. And the married woman, well, I knew I was moving out of the area fairly soon, and I caved. Plain and simple. The other two I admit I hoped for more than what happened. Perhaps that's what shook me up in the long run, was that I thought something more long-term had been brewing before we hooked up... and then when we did hook up, those two girls who *seemed* more loyal and "gf material" than others, seemingly went about their way after we did so. And so I wonder if that *type* of girl is more prone to an affair for 'casual' motivations because her image of being a good girl will cover her trail...

    Just wondering... the divorce rate is so high these days, but I know 10-15 married couples really well and I can't see more than 50% of them getting divorced later on... not the way divorce rates would sem to indicate.

    Thx for the input everyone.
     
  10. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    You're welcome :smile:
     
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