Has your parents marriage, influenced your adult romantic relationships?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Principessa, May 13, 2008.

  1. Principessa

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    I'm curious, has your parents marriage, influenced your adult romantic relationships?

    Did your parents have a good/happy marriage? If so, does that inspire you to one day share the same type of relationship with another person?

    Or if your parents did not have a good/happy marriage; do you think that has influenced you in your concious desire to never marry. For some people I know in real life their parents unhappy to volatile marriages are the reason they subconciously never settle down with one person.

    I always thought my parents had a great marriage because they never argue. Don't get me wrong, they do disagree but I have never witnessed any screaming or yelling because my mother doesn't like that. They will be married 45 years on July 5th and I have honestly never heard either one raise their voice to the other in anger. We weren't even allowed to yell from one end of the house to the other that the phone was for her. :rolleyes: Yes, I thought that was weird as a child, I still do. Little did I know then my mom is OCD about a lot of things.

    What I witnessed growing up were disagreements in conversational tones of voice which usually ended with my dad retreating to the garage or some other corner of the house. A few days or weeks later something would have been purchased which mom desired but which dad thought we/she didn't need. He would then retaliate by purchasing something equally or more expensive than she had. The worst 'fight' if you can even call it that, resulted in the Ranch mink/Troy-Bilt Chipper argument of 1984. I checked the Troy-Bilt website, they no longer sell the 6'x5' tall monstrosity he got out of that deal. For all I know he may have purchased the industrial version. :rolleyes:

    What did I learn from my dear parents about male/female relationships?
    1) Never marry a man who you deem beneath you socio-economically. Marry an equal or better.
    2) When you argue the woman gets her way 90% of the time.
    3) If you know you're wrong cry. This effectively ends the fight and you get your way.
    4) Never use your children as pawns against your mate. They always know and will learn to resent your behavior.

    Regarding the above, I have to say: #1 If I have to hear my mom say one more time how she, "never should have married a simple farm boy" I will scream! #2 Never seemed fair to me. Logistically, shouldn't it be closer to 50/50 or 60/40? #3 always pissed me off about mom. It still does, especially when she tries to manipulate me with her tears. Consequently, I am a woman who never uses tears as a weapon. In fact, usually I will hide to cry. :redface:

    Imagine my shock when I grew up and my long-term bf couldn't see that I was right and he was wrong. :eek: I'm very pragmatic, if I lay out all available facts and you counter with no, or that's stupid. Then I'm right . . . I win, end of discussion. :cool: My ex-bf was of French/Irish ancestry and his motto was, "Next to loving, I like fighting best." In retrospect, how we lasted 12 years is a mystery to me. I guess it's because, with the exception of 18 months, we never lived in the same state at the same time. It's true, "absence does make the heart grow fonder."
     
  2. vince

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    The only loud argument I remember them having (I was very young) was when she want to take the dog to the vet and he said that was stupid. She shouted at him a bit and then went out and sat in the Oldsmobile and listened to "Saturday Night at the Fights" LOL

    So things were fairly peaceful around my parents house. I can't say that for my own marriage, it was pretty volatile! My brother's marriage ended in divorce as well. Funny, we both married red-heads...
     
  3. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    I learned...

    1. two high strung, blustery people almost never argue because there's always the chance a death will result.
    Actually both of my parents have bad tempers (my Mother counts to 10 and that makes her temper seem more extreme), they never argue and just allow each other to have their way in turn.

    I agree with your ex-bf, NJ. There is something about a good debate/argument that keeps the spark going for me - I need the extra mental stimulation. It does turn me on :redface:, and may be a result of them not arguing.


    2. a woman's ability to cook, do housework, be otherwise homey are not concerns or requirements for every guy.
    My Mom gave up cooking when I was about ten. I recall the reason being that my Dad came home once and said "where's dinner", and it was a wrap. Until about eight years ago she still did holidays, but no more. He has never mentioned it.

    3. marry an older man because you will always be his hot, young thing.
    My Dad loves that my mother is 10 years younger than he is, and being pretty as well, she is very much his trophy.

    I've dated older men on and off, and now absolutely do understand the power of being the younger woman.

    4. rarely cry, that way when you do it has maximum effect.
    My Mother cried twice and my Dad once (more misty than tears) in my whole life. If either of us cries we know it is heartfelt and serious, not a sympathy ploy.

    Eta: If a guy I'm dating cries in my presence, I really do wonder if he is the man for me. Not trying to say any many that cries is a pussy, but they should have a good reason for it or I'll lose respect for him. :shrug:


    5. maintain your own space and individual identity/relationships.
    My rents maintained their pre-relationship friends and separate interests.

    I very much admire that as I do value, and appreciate when someone else values, my and their need for space and individuality beyond our identity as a couple.
     
  4. Timbo5678

    Timbo5678 New Member

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    Both myself and my life partner were raised by very loving parents who maintained marriages that lasted from their mid twenties until their deaths.
    We both believe that from them we learned to navigate the emotional rapids that often damage long term relationships.
    Both sets of parents were also very affectionate toward each other and we were both taught from an early age the value of affection (private and publicly appropriate) and we also believe this has been a major factor in the long livedness of our relationship
     
  5. Darpon

    Darpon New Member

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    I don't see how my parents' relationship could influence any relationships I'll ever have. My dad lives in another state, and only comes to visit us for a week at a time every 6-8 weeks. Him and my mom get along great, it's just that his work is down in Louisiana, and, well, personally I don't want to leave Missouri (except for this Japan trip I'm on right now).

    I've never seen them act lovey-dovey or anything. They kiss, and they love each other, but I've never seen too much. They're both a lot older than me, though (my mom is 63, and my dad is somewhere around 10 years younger), so it wouldn't surprise me if they just... didn't do that anymore.
     
  6. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    I also like to think my parents don't 'do that' anymore. :tongue:

    The PDA thing has influenced me, my parents were not always touching or kissing each other and never in public. As a result, I am not comfortable with PDA, and only really get into kissing people I have strong feelings or love. For some reason, kissing is like the most intimate thing for me. :confused:
     
  7. TBoneSteak

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    My parents hate each other now, and yes, it has affected the way I view my current relationship.

    I am engaged to be married, but somewhere in the back of my mind I still think we might end up divorced and hating each other, shuttling our child back and forth between two different homes twice a year.
     
  8. Northland

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    I was about to give my life story on this; however, I'll shorten the details.


    My parents were arranged in marriage-he gained prestige since she came from a good family with moderate means. She gained the respect brought to a girl with marriage and then children, which, proved to the village her worth. That was how I saw marriage growing up.

    After we came to The United States, my father was rarely around-he was gone for a few years, came back and then died. My mother never had another relationship with a man, indicating marriage was for life and if the children were grown, then there was no reason to marry again. Somehow, at the age of 14 she felt I was grown enough not to need a new father. This was more of how I saw marriage-it will be eternal and there is only one person ever.

    Most of my friends were products of parents in lifelong marriage-divorce was not too common amongst the common folk back then.

    My grandfather-who did most of the fathering responsibility toward me (although he forgot to tell me about sex and birth control until after it was too late)-had been married young (20), the marriage lasted through 8 children and ended when he was 35 with the death of his wife giving birth to my mother. He remarried a short time thereafter to an older woman who bore him 1 son. He always made clear the real purpose of the marriage was to raise the children, as they needed a woman for that. His second wife died and at about the same time, my parents were coming to the U.S. They managed to secure passage for him as well. He came as a continued protector of my mother-something which he believed a father took on for life, protecting his daughter.

    So from my parents I learned marriage was until death, from my grandfather I learned the same, with the added information that if there were very young children, the man needed to remarry for the sake of the children so they could be raised by a woman. Additionally, from my mother I had been given to understand that a woman could remarry; but, only for the financial reason of taking care of the children if they were young enough not to be able to secure employment( at the time of my father's death, I was working part-time). In neither case, did I see love as being a reason for marriage.

    I headed into the relationship world completely unprepared-eventually learning that few people get it right and that the only way for it to work is through give and take as well as listening and discussion.

    How the tools I was given in growing up influenced my adult relationships is a hard call. My siblings have all done quite well and are in what appear to be happy relationships. One brother has now been married for 37 years (his teenage indiscretion which led to pregnancy also led to marriage and has lasted, mine was another matter entirely). Then again, none of my siblings seemed to have questions about sexuality or interest in sex with both men and women-that I suspect may be more the reason why I rarely have a relationship which lasts (although I am currently in month #7) and why theirs have sustained.
     
  9. sdbg

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    With me, it isn't that I don't want to settle down with one person. In fact, I'd like that very much. More than anything, the lack of affection between my parents made me realize that I can't be stuck in a relationship with someone who isn't truly stoked with me. I'd rather be alone and enjoy my friends than deal with a partner that is like a roommate.
     
  10. Principessa

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  11. D_Fiona_Farvel

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  12. spunkyboy2008

    spunkyboy2008 New Member

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    My parents have been married since before I was born and are still happily married. I think maybe it has influenced me in being a little bit more open and secure.

    My bf's parents are divorced and he says he thinks that has made him value relationships more but be more insecure in them.
     
  13. QuiteOne

    QuiteOne New Member

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    My parents were married until my mother's premature death. They loved each other passionately and showed plenty of physical affection. My parents also showed a lot of affection to me and my siblings. My father would kiss us well into our teens and even to this day says "I love you" to us whenever he has the chance. I know my parents had disagreements but they were always civil. To this day, I can't conceive yelling at my partner or saying something I'd regret. I've never in my life said anything that I wish I could take back. My parents instilled in us children that respect for others was of utmost importance. I've always found fighting to be a selfish act. Because of the amount of physical attention that was given me in my childhood, my current partner sometimes finds me clingy. But then again, he received virtually no physical or emotional affection as a child.
     
  14. B_The Greek Dude

    B_The Greek Dude New Member

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    It would seriously affect me if I let it, but fortunately i'm efficiently self-aware to know that everybody isn't like my crazy parents, and neither am I.
     
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