Has your wife/gf packed on the lbs?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Tad_Nugent, Jun 4, 2005.

  1. Tad_Nugent

    Tad_Nugent New Member

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    I'm 30 my wife is 24. I consider myself to be pretty decent-looking, I've had my share of women, and still get looks every now and again.
    My wife has gained probably 50+ lbs since our 1st child, our sexlife sucks as well --there's sure as hell a lot more I'd like to be doing to her but it's complicated now more than ever. I'm probably the horniest person I've ever known. It's all I can do to not "stray". but it's getting more difficult every day.

    I was approached by a female friend and asked if I would ever have NSA sex outside the marriage. I am more tempted than ever now, and if in a similar situation again, It probably won't be too hard to persuade me.

    Anybody have any advice and not sound like a hypocrit(ie-Dr. Phil).....?


    Tad
     
  2. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    you have to confront her, and tell her she needs to lose the weight, I have lost 80lbs since december of this year, after my wifes and my first child, she gained 70lbs, and worked out and dieted every day until she had it all off, she is now 117lbs, and looking HOT... there is NO excuse for being overweight, unless you have some sort of medical condition, wich is VERY rare. my Aunt was a pig, and she got gastric bypass surgury, and guess what, she is STILL A PIG. she ate so much she popped her pouch!
    you have to have confront with your wife, and tell her that she isn't holding up to her end of the bargin.
    but DO NOT CHEAT on her, that will get you nowhere, dude, you have a kid, what the hell are you thinking?
    tell her you want to help her, and support her in the losing of the weight, and that you will eat right, and excercise with her! she wont feel so personally attacked.
    my wife got "THE FIRM" from target, its a series of 5 video tapes, that comes with a step... and it works..
    nothing beats sheer will power when it comes to losing weight..
    pills dont work for penis size, and they dont work for losing weight, unless your talking about amphetimines, but that is a whole other can of worms you dont want to open up.
    just confront her my friend. tell her how you feel, and be unflinching.
    tell her you care about her health... and you want her to be in good shape so she can play with the kid!
    thats just my 2 cents!
    DLC
     
  3. Str8Man

    Str8Man New Member

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    I always herd men say marriage killed their sex life. Well they were wrong, it is the children that kill the sex life, at least for a while. Young children/babies take a lot out of women (and fathers), not to mention their time. Lack of sex drive seems to be the most common problem I hear talking to men with young families. They all say it will get better when the kids are older and need less attention. HELL I HOPE SO.........

    And the weight issue, you better handle that with care. You want to dick up your marriage, start giving your wife hell about her weight. You do have to talk to her about it, but be kind and supportive. Tell her you both need to work on your diet and exercise, and you can do it together. It will come across more like a team effort, and if you are all eating the same healthy foods, she will lose weight.
    I'm one to talk though, I could loose 20 lbs myself, I guess that's why I don't throw stones at glass houses
     
  4. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    chase her round the block with a cattleprod a couple times a day, and watch those rolls disappear.
     
  5. funcub

    funcub New Member

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    Tad,

    Follow Str8Man's advice. Confronting women over weight issues is never good. The afternoon and morning airwaves are filled with women calling in saying their husbands/boyfriends gave them ultimatums on losing weight, etc. If your wife said you needed to gain two extra inches of dick or she was leaving you for a man who had them, how would you feel?

    If you love her, let her know you'll find a way to do this together.

    Good luck!
     
  6. B_HungSpermBoy

    B_HungSpermBoy New Member

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    If my girlfriend gains like a pound, she goes into a stressed-out mode. I get worried about her because she's so obsessed about the weight thing.
     
  7. blackwood

    blackwood New Member

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    Truely for better or for worse..........

    You love/loved her and apparently gave your all while she did the same.

    Involve her and your child in excercising, out door activity, camping, hiking what ever and make her know you care for her.

    Sounds like a little post-partum blues have jumped her and she isn't really trying at life.

    DON'T give up sooooo sooon, love man, love!

    Get her romatically engaged with YOU, show her you care. You have before.

    blackwood
     
  8. Lex

    Lex
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    Sta8Man is correct in that this is a two-pronged issue.

    1. Kids. Every kids reduces some of the time. energy and attention that a wife has for her husband. I have two kids (8 and 5) and believe you me--it takes a lot to keep up with them. Thatbeing said--assisting with housework as much as you can will greatly increase the amount of time, energy, etc. you wife has for you once the kid(s) are sleep/napping. I cook, clean, wahs clothes and iron all the time (on top of the usual man stuff like washing cars and yardwork). I find that the more I contribute around the house, the more time my wife has for "us."

    2. The weight issue is a touchy one. I tend to believe that anyone who lets themsleves gain lots of wieght has some other things going on. We all know its not healthy to be overweight ad that your self-image and self-esteem suffer greatly when you aren't ahppy with the person you see naked in the mirror. The reasoning that "I don't hjave time" just comes from a false sense of what's important. Here is a quote I read:

    3. Your desire/urge to stray. I'm not one to beleive that once a person is married that you never have uges towards otehr people--b/c I don't think that is 100% realistic. You have, however, made a committment that you should do everything you can to honor. If you choose to do anything-do only what you can live with--in all things--no more, no less. For years when I wasn't getting enough at home I drowned my self in pron and mastrubation. I know its not for everyone, but it helped me a little.
     
  9. Tad_Nugent

    Tad_Nugent New Member

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    But you see here, about the 2 inches of dick I am not asking her to do the impossible, The weight is manageable, granted her mother and sisters are large, I don't think it is an excuse you can use forever because I know women that have large siblings but do the work and keep the weight off.
    I was a wrestler in high school, I can lose 5 or 10 lbs like it was nothing. I can't see why people can't do this. It's so EASY!
    I am 5 foot 6 145lbs, pretty fit, and it's not that I'm feeling trapped but this is making ME feel self-concious, how the hell does that work..?

    Yes, I know that confronting a woman about her way is a dead-end road. That is head-shrinker talk there. She has to want to do it herself
    There are other aspects to this as wel that I did not clearly state. Money is a big problem here too. I can'y get her to get a full-time or better-paying job to help me support the household--I feel that I am being used for nothing other than a payday sometimes.
    See how you feel to work a 50 hour week to see your wife has spent all of your check in 3 hours the day after you get payed........frustrating is being nice here.
    However, I appreciate you listeners to my venting................
    Thank you.
     
  10. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    The ex was a tad weighty too. She was 5'5" and 13st (about...172 lb I think). For whatever reason the only position we ever did was me on top...I'm going to tell her to do somethin about her weight though, I'd feel bad if it caused her problems or medical conditions and I hadn't warned her. BTW she was not the typical 'fat' her stomach and everything else was really quite flat. It was just well distruibuted lol. I'm 11st also, for the record.

    You need to tell your wife you're not happy with her weight, say if she loses weight you'll do something good too like stop smoking or something (if you do, you shouldnt :p). The way to lose weight is NOT through diet. It needs to be done with diet AND exercise or perhaps sexercise ;)

    Anyway stick with it, dont ruin the marriage over something that can be changed. When she loses weight it'll all be worth it, better for both of you.
     
  11. funcub

    funcub New Member

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    Tad,

    I think you have a lot more issues going on in your marriage than our armchair analyses can handle.

    On the weight issue, everyone is different. Not everyone loses weight at the same speed. I know women at work complain that guys lose weight so much faster than women do. I don't know if it's proven or not, but it's perceived that way. And even if YOU lose 5-10lbs easy, it doesn't mean your wife is going to ditch 50+ pounds in a snap.

    The one thing I have noticed is that your discussion centers around your needs. You're horny, you want sex, you won't need much to stray next time a woman offers, you're frustrated by her spending your check, etc. I haven't seen that you've tried to understand what's going on with her, or that you even love her. This is not a dig, just an observation. I think most of the sensible posts on discussing things with your wife are trying to get you to open up with her and come to a mutual understanding of what the problem is. And yeah, that sounds like it gets into head shrinker territory, but you're going to have to open up to her.

    And on the paycheck issue, I bet a lot of people feel the same as you. But what you haven't said is if your wife spends the money on sensible things that you need to survive, or is she spending it on frivolous crap? There are three of you in your household and I can understand that a paycheck sometimes doesn't go very far. But you have to realize too that motherhood and taking care of your child can sometimes be a fulltime job and is seen by many women as such. It's hard for us guys (even the gay ones) to see it like that because we aren't in their position. And childcare usually wipes away whatever the second fulltime paycheck earns anyhow.

    As I said before, it seems like there are a lot more things going on with your marriage than we can help you with. And although you sound against the idea of headshrinkers, you at least really need to have some good, calm, discussions with your wife about all of the issues. You made a commitment to the marriage. You need to make sure you honor your commitment to it. Cheating on your wife should never be the answer to your problems.
     
  12. madame_zora

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    Tad, I don't have any definitive answers, but I'll offer some insights.

    Women do lose weight less rapidly than men, but it's not an excuse to balloon up and stay there. Especially while you are young, I do think it's fair to expect your partner to put some effort into her appearance, assuming there are no serious health issues involved. If you had wanted to quickly be with a larger woman you would have done so. If you fell in love with her at a certain size, it is reasonable of you to think she'd stay somewhat close to that size after you got together.

    I don't know how long you've been married, but my son-in-law had a marriage based on his g/f getting pregnant and she quickly got huge and refused to get a job. He hadn't planed on being the sole support of the family but wanted to be a good father for his child. She only proceeded to get bigger, lazier, and more and more frivolous with his money (as well as his father's, my husbands' money). Stay-at-home motherhood is a luxury these days and not something a woman should expect of her husband if he says he needs financial help. Too much time on her hands gives her time to invent an imaginary world like the soap operas portray and cause her to feel depressed that her life isn't like that. A job would help correct her reality view and make both of your lives easier. I'd NEVER support a lazy partner!

    Child rearing should be a full time job for BOTH of you! If you are sharing in the care of your child, you know how it feels to have less personal time, less money to spend on yourself and your hobbies- these are things you must now accept as normal, along with the fact that you will get less sleep than you are used to for a few years. She has to realise it too. I know too many women who won't work, complain that their husband won't help with the child care, do a crappy job of maintaining the home (no fucking excuse at all if there's only one child!) and act all overwhelmed at how hard it is to just raise a child. It's bullshit, plain and simple! I was able to return to work ten weeks after my daughter was born and my husband and I shared pretty fairly the household chores. We didn't expect so much out of each other, realising the added responsibilities we both had, but we did have sex when we could, and shared time together with our daughter that was very fulfilling. When she was a little over a year, we took a couple of nights off and left her with a relative so we could enjoy some adult time, and it was like dating again. I would try that.

    Encouragement works better than threatening, so don't tell her to lose weight or you'll cheat or leave her. Tell her you miss the way you used to be together and offer help in getting her back to her "fighting weight". Tell her you realise that she's the only one who endured bodily changes for bringing your child into the world, but that you're there for her to help put it back together.

    Lethargic behavior is a bitch. It is often the sign of depression, but chemical treatment of said will not help with these particular issues, like wieght and joblessness. If it were me, I'd give it everything I have to try to correct the situation, but there is no reason on earth to persist in a realtionship with someone who is not willing to lift a finger to help you. "Takers" who don't improve only get worse, and you deserve to be happy in this life as much as anyone else.

    In the mean time, treat yourself in some other ways. Pick up your kid and spend a day in the park without your wife. Hang out with a friend for a couple hours (not in a bar picking up women!), develop a hobby. The point is to retain a sense of self so you don't feel absorbed into your wife's inaction. Maybe if she sees you having a life she'll get jealous and want one for herself. I wish you well.
     
  13. naughty

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    Tad,

    I used to have so many things to say about weight gain. Now I think a bit because as I get older weight is not as easy to lose as it used to be. I think weight gain for women is often horrific and depressing in itself. Have all of the medical reasons checked first. Lack of sleep can inhibit the metabolism while kicking in Gherlin the hormone that triggers hunger! Also inspite of what we might think not eating enough of the right things can cause the metabolism to freak out and hold or gain weight when it thinks it is being starved. Lastly, Hypothyroidism and the use of steroid medications can slow down the metabolism as well as kick in hunger. Stress can induced cortisol which creates fat around the midsection. All of these create a lack of energy or may trigger depression.

    Granted none of these may be the problem, But it really doesnt help the person in question to feel any better. I wish I had some of Jana's energy but I think I spend much of mine trying to breathe. try to work with her.I know it was not what you think you bargained for but life often sends things that none of us want or expect.

    Naughty
     
  14. madame_zora

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    I think it's important for me as a woman to put myself in his shoes. He's not just complaining that she's fat, but that's he has to support her while she won't even try to help.

    If I were the one working while he was laying around at home, watching the baby, got really fat, turning me down for sex or making me beg for it, wouldn't get a job to help me when I'm exhausted from working overtime and then running through my paycheck like it was water, I'd be furious! Any woman would, so why is it different when a woman does this to a man? Answer- it's not. Depression is not an excuse to stop trying, and laziness is often more the reality.

    True clinical depression is actually quite rare, I get frustrated as hell that every time a person has the slightest personal problem they claim depression! Those who have it are suffering grave symptoms and need help, but the 90% who just thought their life should be much easier piss me off. Life is tough sometimes, suck it up. Life is also exceptionally beautiful much of the time, but the pendulum does swing and inaccurate expectations of how it's supposed to be cause too many Americans to think their life is shit and they should die now. Depression and obesity are American diseases produced by drug companies for huge profits. The reason each of us hate ourselves right this minute is because it's very profitable for some fatcat in a office somewhere for us to feel that way. Stop the cycle, and reclaim your life.

    Losing weight is FREE! You don't need drugs, you just eat less- you actually save money! Get out and MOVE YOUR BODY, that's also free. You can start by walking around the block, then walk a little more rapidly, eventually do some calisthenics. If you want to life weights, milk jugs filled with varying amounts of water work great and they're probably cluttering up your kitchen floor right now anyway.

    Fact- if you continue feeling sorry for yourself and eating chocolate in front of the tv you will stay the same or get worse.

    Hypothsis- if you try ANYTHING it will probably get at least a little better.

    Just my theory, but DO ANYTHING even if it's wrong! Just don't buy into the stupid notion of "I can't afford to go on a weight loss program, can't afford Jenny Craig, etc." I wish like anything someone would have told me "Wow, you're really fat. You used to be a pretty girl, what happened?" I would have had to admit I was feeling low and insulating myself with food. It's not unusual nor does it makes us a bad person, but the longer it continues, the harder it gets to correct. We make excuses for not trying and the people who love us are too gentle to confront us. Many, many times a swift kick in the ass is the kindest gift we'll ever receive.

    Mine came in the form of a rejection when I began online dating. The first guy I approached sent me the canned response "Thanks but no thanks". I thought I would die! I used to think of myself as a pretty girl when I was younger and I thought men on those sites were eager to hear from a woman instead of always having to do the asking. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had posted pics, what could the problem be?
    Well, my fat ass was well over 200 pounds and I guess he just didn't find me attractive! I let this settle in for a few days, looked at some more pictures of myself (there were very few, I didn't like seeing my large body photographed) and decided that I didn't want to be the stereotypical 40-something-lives-alone-with-cats for the rest of my life. I know my health status VERY well (this is critical before starting any major dietary changes) and I constructed a diet plan that I could work with.

    As many of you know, I found lpsg about halfway through the process and ended up losing about 75 pounds in about eight months. I'm not perfect, but I'm healthier and I feel better about the way I look. I no longer have cable, I don't try to buy more "things'' to make me happy about my miserable life because.....I'm not miserable!

    I sent the guy a thank you letter for rejecting me and told him my story, he was nice about it and said "sorry". I didn't want that, he really helped. It was the kick in the ass I needed to see things the way they really were instead of through my rose coloured glasses.
     
  15. naughty

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    Jana,

    I hear you girl! My hat is off to you. I do see how he feels. I am just laying out some other options. I dont believe in making excuses for what you can do for yourself. But every story is different. I just want anyone male or female who is dealing with a weight problem to try something everyday as Jana said but dont hate yourself if you are not where you want to be right away. Keep it up! You will get a lot further than your think.

    Naughty
     
  16. Steve26

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    As her husband there is a LOT you can do to help her lose weight. My wife is diabetic and I feel it's extremely important that I do all I can to support her ongoing health and well-being. After all -- I want her around as long as I am. ;) Some suggestions:

    1) If you belong to a gym, invite her to join you there. Not being there "alone" will make her feel much more comfortable about going, especially if she is self-conscious about her weight. Help her find things to do at the gym that she enjoys, or else she won't stick with it. If you don't belong to a gym, propose joining one together ... don't make the suggestion explicitly about her weight, but you might say it would give you both added energy to keep up with your kid, or something like that.

    2) You can exert HUGE influence over what food is consumed in your home. If your wife now does the grocery shopping, offer to take over this responsibility and then stick hard and fast to a shopping list you make in advance. If no unhealthy/fattening food is coming into the house, then it's hard for anyone to eat it! Find some cookbooks that you will both like and get into the habit of making more meals from scratch, which is way healthier than most prepared foods.

    3) Snacking is inevitable, so make it easy for your wife to snack right. In addition to keeping junk food out of the house, one of the things I have been doing for my wife lately is buying loads of fruit, which is just coming into its prime season, and then washing/cutting/prepping it all up for my wife to have as snacks (and to take with her in a cooler to work for snacking throughout the day). Most dieticians regard fruit as a dietary "freebie" because it's so low in calories and good for you, plus in the summer it usually tastes great.

    4) Limit eating out. Lots of busy couples fall into this rut, and the massive restaurant portion sizes these days make it impossible for *anyone* who eats out often to stay trim. In the amount of time it takes to go to a sit-down restaurant and eat there, even an amateur cook can prepare a decent meal at home (and save money and feel a sense of accomplishment in the process).

    5) Make your weekends and/or evenings more active. Instead of watching TV, go for walks or on hikes, go biking, rent a canoe and do some paddling around. It's the perfect time of year to get out and enjoy what the natural world has to offer! Plus -- you mention money being short, and there's an awful lot of highly enjoyable outdoor activities that are essentially free.

    Hope these are helpful ... they are small and manageable starter steps that over time should help your wife slim down. I know it can feel daunting to think about such things if you are the primary breadwinner (I myself am usually away from the house close to 12 hours most weekdays) but I feel there's nothing more important I can do as a husband than safeguarding my wife's health.

    Steve :)
     
  17. Darling

    Darling New Member

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    As a woman who can put on 3lbs just by looking at a cream cake I sympathise with your wife. My husband seems to be in the same situation as yourself, he loses weight very easily, in fact he eats 6 small meals a day to keep weight on! I am not excessively overweight, probably around 10lbs more than I would like to be, and have just joined my husband's gym this week. I have read Steve's advice and will try to follow it, maybe you should encourage her to go to the gym with you. If pounding away on the treadmill doesn't motivate her maybe she would be happier trying a step or circuit training class so she can exercise with others toward a common goal. Diet wise, if you only have healthy food in the house then you can't fail even if your willpower does! 20 fresh strawberries will always be a healthier pig-out than 10 cookies.
     
  18. Dr. Bubbles

    Dr. Bubbles New Member

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    When I initially read your inquiry, I was floored and irritated that you would not be sensitive to your spouse's situation. In a way, I am still feeling that way.

    I do think that you have been given some very good advise, particularly about being more sensitive to her issues and being proactive rather than reactive about it. Personally, I blame the husbands and fathers as much as the mothers about the weight gain. Men have a tendency to add more pounds, too, during a woman's pregnancy. Both tend to eat more and both tend to get somewhat lazy. If you want her to be healthy, then sometimes it is important that you take initiative and help motivate her. Lets be real... she is carrying additional weight that he body might not be accustom to carrying. Furthermore, it is not like she can stop gaining the weight during her pregnancy.

    I believe that the male partner should assist her in those physical activities that Steve mentioned as well as discussion about dining plans, menus, etc. You, too, have a responsibility to ensure she is healthy during pregnancy and afterwards. Start off right and she will keep that regiment. It becomes almost an innate activity for her....

    Now, about her weight and your comments... NEVER EVER TELL A WOMAN SHE IS FAT, especially after she has given birth to your child! Besides, you help get her there! Remember that. We are sensitive to our bodies; we do want to look sexy and feel sexy. We want to please our husbands/mates. We want them to feel proud of us when in public settings. Those are natural things we all want. However, do you part too help. Are you making her feel sexy, desirable? Do you tell her often that you love her? Do you treat her kindly and with the same affection before the weight gain? The list could go on....

    A woman needs to know what you as a man wants. Furthermore, she needs to know how to give it to you. Maybe she just is in the rut of wanting to be left alone after the pregancy. That is normal. You have to help her get out of it, but in a gentle, loving and helpful way.

    What you have described to me sounds like you are simply disgusted with her weight gain. If you are, then you do something to help her transition back to the lovely woman she was before. Afterall... again, you are partly responsible.... Oh, and do remember, she will not loose as quick as you. Just stating what has been said........

    AND LOVE HER IN GOOD TIMES AND IN BAD TIMES AS WELL.

    I am stopping now (forgive the flow and errors... I did not proof because I would have deleted what I originally said).
     
  19. Alley Blue

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    I was just gonna say that with the many women on this board, I'm suprised someone has'nt made attempts on your life!
     
  20. Steve26

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    The women in the group have been very generous, considering the original post. I was telling my wife about this thread last night and she was not nearly so charitable ...

    Steve ;)
     
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