I think the reason a lot of us women are being so charitable is that from what I gather, the guy hasn't actually confronted his wife and was looking for ways to do so rather than just say "You're fat, you need to do something fast". Personally I want to lose a few pounds as I just got married 2 months ago and really want to keepmy husband impressed and to also feel better about my body. However, when I have a child, for the first few months of that child's life, my dietary and exercise needs and my husbands opinion on them will take a back seat.
Has your wife/gf packed on the lbs?
- Thread starter Tad_Nugent
- Start date
madame_zora
Sexy Member
"I can'y get her to get a full-time or better-paying job to help me support the household--I feel that I am being used for nothing other than a payday sometimes.
See how you feel to work a 50 hour week to see your wife has spent all of your check in 3 hours the day after you get payed........frustrating is being nice here.
However, I appreciate you listeners to my venting................
Thank you."
This was another part of the problem I sympathised with. It's not just that she's gained weight she's not losing, it's also that she doesn't seem willing to help with the family financial situation. I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but I think a little more effort on her part might make him feel like it's more of a team effort instead of just pressure on him. Men often get shuffled into the position of a sexless marriage to an overweight wife after a child is born, and that's usually not what they signed on for. Marriage is a union, not just a safe haven for a woman!
If the man I loved came to me and told me we were having financial problems, I'd look for ways to reduce our expenses as well as finding a better job for myself (assuming his was adequate as well). If he needed or wanted my help looking for a better job, I'd offer that as well, but you can be damned sure I wouldn't just hold the status quo and expect him to just get happier about being on a sinking ship while I did nothing.
Women want to be taken seriously and given a fair vote but too often we don't want to accept the responisbility that comes with this. I resent women who don't give a fair 50% to their relationships then wonder why it fell apart. No, being 50 pounds overweight at 24 is not okay, the way our metabolisms work, she'll be downright huge in no time and possibly have serious health risks. Honestly, how much energy is she going to have to play with her child, keep up with activities, ever have a sex drive when all her energy is being used to carry around extra weight? I know from experience how tired I was all the time when I was that heavy, but my daughter had a driver's license by then and didn't need me to carry her around. Losing weight gives you tons of extra energy, as well as your life back.
See how you feel to work a 50 hour week to see your wife has spent all of your check in 3 hours the day after you get payed........frustrating is being nice here.
However, I appreciate you listeners to my venting................
Thank you."
This was another part of the problem I sympathised with. It's not just that she's gained weight she's not losing, it's also that she doesn't seem willing to help with the family financial situation. I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but I think a little more effort on her part might make him feel like it's more of a team effort instead of just pressure on him. Men often get shuffled into the position of a sexless marriage to an overweight wife after a child is born, and that's usually not what they signed on for. Marriage is a union, not just a safe haven for a woman!
If the man I loved came to me and told me we were having financial problems, I'd look for ways to reduce our expenses as well as finding a better job for myself (assuming his was adequate as well). If he needed or wanted my help looking for a better job, I'd offer that as well, but you can be damned sure I wouldn't just hold the status quo and expect him to just get happier about being on a sinking ship while I did nothing.
Women want to be taken seriously and given a fair vote but too often we don't want to accept the responisbility that comes with this. I resent women who don't give a fair 50% to their relationships then wonder why it fell apart. No, being 50 pounds overweight at 24 is not okay, the way our metabolisms work, she'll be downright huge in no time and possibly have serious health risks. Honestly, how much energy is she going to have to play with her child, keep up with activities, ever have a sex drive when all her energy is being used to carry around extra weight? I know from experience how tired I was all the time when I was that heavy, but my daughter had a driver's license by then and didn't need me to carry her around. Losing weight gives you tons of extra energy, as well as your life back.
Tad,
"I think you have a lot more issues going on in your marriage than our armchair analyses can handle."
I second that motion. There's way too much none of us know here. Which is why you're getting contradictory advice. If your wife is just lazy, given to fantasy or childish bouts of pique, Jana's toughlove advice might be just what she needs.
OTOH, if she does care and is trying to help herself without success or is quite depressed by her situation, you wouldn't want to go that route. You'd have to proceed more gently. A lot depends on your wife's personality.
How long did it take to gain all that weight? Gaining 50lbs in a very short time probably indicates a real physical problem. Has she seen a physician? If it's a psychologcial issue, it's just as serious.
Clearly you've got a lot of anger towards her. She may have a load aimed at you as well.
You might also want to consider handling the family finances. My best friend and my brother both had their wives handling the money, but, for different reasons, both women grossly mishandled it and landed them all in deep debt. Consider if you can do a better job at it.
There is an excellent book I ran across several years ago regarding family finances, "The Wealthy Barber". I can't remember at the moment who wrote it. Economics that normal people can understand, and really, really useful advice. You're young enough to take full advantage of it.
Good luck!
Simon
"I think you have a lot more issues going on in your marriage than our armchair analyses can handle."
I second that motion. There's way too much none of us know here. Which is why you're getting contradictory advice. If your wife is just lazy, given to fantasy or childish bouts of pique, Jana's toughlove advice might be just what she needs.
OTOH, if she does care and is trying to help herself without success or is quite depressed by her situation, you wouldn't want to go that route. You'd have to proceed more gently. A lot depends on your wife's personality.
How long did it take to gain all that weight? Gaining 50lbs in a very short time probably indicates a real physical problem. Has she seen a physician? If it's a psychologcial issue, it's just as serious.
Clearly you've got a lot of anger towards her. She may have a load aimed at you as well.
You might also want to consider handling the family finances. My best friend and my brother both had their wives handling the money, but, for different reasons, both women grossly mishandled it and landed them all in deep debt. Consider if you can do a better job at it.
There is an excellent book I ran across several years ago regarding family finances, "The Wealthy Barber". I can't remember at the moment who wrote it. Economics that normal people can understand, and really, really useful advice. You're young enough to take full advantage of it.
Good luck!
Simon
InsertHere
Experimental Member
All, right, well, I'm a bit pissed at this thread, but I'll try to be tactful.
I seem to be the only overweight woman on this board, so I'll put in my two cents from that perspective. You mentioned that the women in your wife's family are all quite large. This is also true of my family (the men are large too!. Sometimes, genetics cannot be denied. The lowest weight I have been since twelve years of age was 175 lbs. That was after a year and a half of very strict dieting; it was a fifteen-pound weight loss. I lost two pants sizes. Unfortunately, after that amount of time, I was just plain tired of being hungry. At fourteen, I decided that I wanted to LIVE and enjoy life and enjoy food, and the hell with it. I am nineteen now. I ride horses three to five days a week (I resolve to ignore anyone who claims this is not good exercise). I am a vegetarian and eat very little (doctors never believe me). I have given up dieting, hopefully for good, because I know there's no point. I can eat nothing at all (yes, I've tried that!, I can eat 800 calories, I can eat 2000 calories, or I can eat 4000 calories, it makes no difference. I stay the same size. The ONLY way I have ever been able to lose a significant amount of weight is by holding a job where I was on my feet moving eight hours a day seven days a week. My point is, just because it's easy for you to lose weight doesn't mean it's easy for others. I'm just trying to come to terms with my body and the fact that this is the size it wants to be. Like I said, I'm a bit angry at pretty much everyone who's posted on this thread.
Secondly, I'm surprised that nobody has mentioned this before, but it is a natural adaptation for women to lose their libido after childbirth. It's a natural form of birth control, so to speak, on top of the energy drain of caring for a newborn. Again, give her a break. She's not a machine and you can't switch her on whenever you want. Take matters into your own hands every once in a while, give her some time, try to engage her interest slowly and have the patience to let her warm up to you.
That's it. Listen or don't. Just hoping to bring a different perspective than the idea of health that most on this board seem to buy into.
*stomps off in an overweight huff*
I seem to be the only overweight woman on this board, so I'll put in my two cents from that perspective. You mentioned that the women in your wife's family are all quite large. This is also true of my family (the men are large too!
. Sometimes, genetics cannot be denied. The lowest weight I have been since twelve years of age was 175 lbs. That was after a year and a half of very strict dieting; it was a fifteen-pound weight loss. I lost two pants sizes. Unfortunately, after that amount of time, I was just plain tired of being hungry. At fourteen, I decided that I wanted to LIVE and enjoy life and enjoy food, and the hell with it. I am nineteen now. I ride horses three to five days a week (I resolve to ignore anyone who claims this is not good exercise). I am a vegetarian and eat very little (doctors never believe me). I have given up dieting, hopefully for good, because I know there's no point. I can eat nothing at all (yes, I've tried that!, I can eat 800 calories, I can eat 2000 calories, or I can eat 4000 calories, it makes no difference. I stay the same size. The ONLY way I have ever been able to lose a significant amount of weight is by holding a job where I was on my feet moving eight hours a day seven days a week. My point is, just because it's easy for you to lose weight doesn't mean it's easy for others. I'm just trying to come to terms with my body and the fact that this is the size it wants to be. Like I said, I'm a bit angry at pretty much everyone who's posted on this thread.Secondly, I'm surprised that nobody has mentioned this before, but it is a natural adaptation for women to lose their libido after childbirth. It's a natural form of birth control, so to speak, on top of the energy drain of caring for a newborn. Again, give her a break. She's not a machine and you can't switch her on whenever you want. Take matters into your own hands every once in a while, give her some time, try to engage her interest slowly and have the patience to let her warm up to you.
That's it. Listen or don't. Just hoping to bring a different perspective than the idea of health that most on this board seem to buy into.
*stomps off in an overweight huff*
madame_zora
Sexy Member
InsertHere, I know it's probably a bit late to add this on, but let me try.
I think beautiful people come in all sizes, that's not the issue I was trying to address here. I saw two main ideas, first that she had not LOST weight she GAINED quickly. If she had always been a bigger size girl it would be different. None of the women in my own family are small, so I know what you're talking about. I've been between a size 14 and 20 most of my life, it's just that this woman was not. The other issue was lack of willingness to help financially, still no one has addressed that. I took a hard-nosed stand because it appears that there is not much committment on her part to help. I could be wrong, I'm sure I frequently am, but I sensed a feeling (from the poster) that his wife had just let herself go and was riding the gravy train.
The weight I lost was just a decision I made about wanting to be a smaller size once in my life, I don't expect everyone to make that same choice, nor do I think they are any "less" if they do not. My post was more about not keeping committments and aparent apathy.
I think beautiful people come in all sizes, that's not the issue I was trying to address here. I saw two main ideas, first that she had not LOST weight she GAINED quickly. If she had always been a bigger size girl it would be different. None of the women in my own family are small, so I know what you're talking about. I've been between a size 14 and 20 most of my life, it's just that this woman was not. The other issue was lack of willingness to help financially, still no one has addressed that. I took a hard-nosed stand because it appears that there is not much committment on her part to help. I could be wrong, I'm sure I frequently am, but I sensed a feeling (from the poster) that his wife had just let herself go and was riding the gravy train.
The weight I lost was just a decision I made about wanting to be a smaller size once in my life, I don't expect everyone to make that same choice, nor do I think they are any "less" if they do not. My post was more about not keeping committments and aparent apathy.
First of all, I would like to say you to everyone(except that guy from NY IM'ing me about a blow-job-lol). It has helped me take a step back and re0examine the situation.
I aplogize for sounding like a dick-maybe I didn't vocalize on some things like I should have.
Yes, a few of you are correct that there is more going on than what i let on. I did not want bury everyone in a pity-party for Tad.
BUT, I have been very patient and sensitive as this has been going for a while now. I have been supportive and tried to take over the shopping,but my workload kept interfering, so it had to go back to her. Yes, she does tend to sit on the couch and watch TV while the kids play. I realize that may be a large contributing factor.
As for ruining my marriage by straying, does anyone feel that this is making me feel unwanted/needed/.....It feels like she is not even making the effort to make me feel that way............
I aprreciate the advice from EVERYONE--Thanx
Tad
I aplogize for sounding like a dick-maybe I didn't vocalize on some things like I should have.
Yes, a few of you are correct that there is more going on than what i let on. I did not want bury everyone in a pity-party for Tad.
BUT, I have been very patient and sensitive as this has been going for a while now. I have been supportive and tried to take over the shopping,but my workload kept interfering, so it had to go back to her. Yes, she does tend to sit on the couch and watch TV while the kids play. I realize that may be a large contributing factor.
As for ruining my marriage by straying, does anyone feel that this is making me feel unwanted/needed/.....It feels like she is not even making the effort to make me feel that way............
I aprreciate the advice from EVERYONE--Thanx
Tad
Alley Blue
Sexy Member
:lol: He's been IM'ing me too!
On a serious note, perhaps you both just need a heart to heart talk about what you both expect from each other.........sometimes that alone will do wonders.....
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Alley Blue
Sexy Member
He's on your case, too?!? That guy is relentless! He's propositioned me several times, despite my unwavering lack of interest. :grr:
Steve
[post=318821]Quoted post[/post]
[/b][/quote]You too Steve? He must PM everyone just to see who'll take the bait
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madame_zora
Sexy Member
Tad, a few questions to understand your situation better- How many children do you have, and what ages? How long have you been married? Had you discussed before you got married whether she would be a stay at home mom? I'd just like to be able to see where you're coming from a little better, thanks.
Zora, I have 2 kids 18 mo. and 4 y/o, it was never discussed that she be a stay at home mom. Right after we started dating, (4 mos. later she turned up preggo)I took a horrible job with hopes of moving up the ladder and furthering my career, it put quite a bit of stress on the relationship also. But it also gave my career a big jump start too.
well, 3 years into it and 1 discrimination case later(story later sometime).
I'm pretty close to where I want to be(career-wise). She had talked about becoming a para-legal, but the 1st kid had put that on hold, she has said that's what she wants to do when my oldest starts school(next year! I 'm just stressed out being the only bread-winner pretty much. It's kind of hard to explain how I feel. I'm working my ass off, I'm trying not to be selfish about some things I want-that I feel I deserve too.
Since we have been together, I have had to sell 3 bikes(motorcycles) to help ends meet.
Am I being selfish.....................
well, 3 years into it and 1 discrimination case later(story later sometime).
I'm pretty close to where I want to be(career-wise). She had talked about becoming a para-legal, but the 1st kid had put that on hold, she has said that's what she wants to do when my oldest starts school(next year!
I 'm just stressed out being the only bread-winner pretty much. It's kind of hard to explain how I feel. I'm working my ass off, I'm trying not to be selfish about some things I want-that I feel I deserve too.Since we have been together, I have had to sell 3 bikes(motorcycles) to help ends meet.
Am I being selfish.....................
madame_zora
Sexy Member
Perhaps, somewhat selfish, but that's not always a bad thing. Apparently you were both married at the time of your second child's conception, so that was a choice that you both knew would limit your money and personal time. Having two kids close together is harder on a woman's body, so the weight loss might be a bigger stumbling block than if there was just one, and also her energy after dealing with two kids all day will be understandably lowered. The facts remain, you are where you are, and while fantasies of an easier simpler life seem to be rearing their heads, you must remember that this was what you chose, remembering that might help to lessen the feelings of being stuck.
Naturally, her career goals are on hold. Going to school with two kids not in school yet would be extremely difficult for both of you, you think you're feeling pressure now! I don't have any easy answers for you because I find the early years of raising kids to be the most difficult. It will get easier once they are in school, and perhaps your wife can resume her schedule then.
You, however, won't last another four years at this rate unless you find some way to divert your attention away from the frustration you feel and into something more positive. Selling your bikes, that sure does blow, but I'm sure that many if not most of the young fathers on here will relate similar stories. My son-in-law that I spoke of earlier had dirtbikes, and it's just one of those things that you do to benefit your family when you make the decision to have one. You're no longer just a guy with some hobbies, your family being one of them. Now you're a head of household, like it or not, with more responsibilities than free time. Yes, it's tough. I didn't make it myself, so I'm not preaching. My own husband was so jealous of the time I spent with out daughter, he became something of a hypochondriac demanding constant sympathy. He just didn't understand why I couldn't work all day and come home to take care of our child AND pay him huge amounts of attention over every little sniffle he had. What I wanted was some help from a fellow adult, and some sex now and then! I didn't need an adult child to take care of. It sounds like your wife's interest in sex is not very strong, and that may be a bigger problem for the two of you than anything else. A woman's weight is often a reflection (to some extent) of how she feels about herself and her sexuality. Most of us know that men find us more attractive when we're a certain size, and (I'm going out on a limb here, but speaking from personal experience) sometimes the weight is a way of keeping men at a distance, if even subconsciously. She's got two kids at twenty-four, she's tired, she doesn't want to have to perform anymore, maybe she feels that taking care of your kids should endear her to you enough without having to add another struggle to her life to lose weight. I'm guessing, of course.
Honestly, child care being as expensive as it is, have you seriously considered if she could reasonably earn enough to make a positive difference in your families' cash flow? I don't know what her education level is, but more hours for her might not mean more in your pockets at the end of the week if you have to spend a lot on child care. However, it may give her a break and get her more into the adult world and perhaps that would benefit her outlook, I don't know.
I hope you will consider well the ramifications of straying. I think you would not have posted if you weren't looking for some sincere advice. If your marriage is assumed monogamous (which most are), then it would be dishonest of you to have an affair behind your wife's back. In addition to crushing her if she found out, it might have adverse affects on you as well. You won't know until you get there, but most people are not so hardened that they can break their promises and still feel okay about themselves, and what if you DO teach yourself to do this? Is that really a talent you want to learn?
Man, life is hard! I wish you the best in your search for what road to take, post often and let us know how you are doing. I appreciate the candor with which you've spoken about your personal life, perhaps talking like this with her would be of benefit, if you think she could handle it. Much love, Jana
Naturally, her career goals are on hold. Going to school with two kids not in school yet would be extremely difficult for both of you, you think you're feeling pressure now! I don't have any easy answers for you because I find the early years of raising kids to be the most difficult. It will get easier once they are in school, and perhaps your wife can resume her schedule then.
You, however, won't last another four years at this rate unless you find some way to divert your attention away from the frustration you feel and into something more positive. Selling your bikes, that sure does blow, but I'm sure that many if not most of the young fathers on here will relate similar stories. My son-in-law that I spoke of earlier had dirtbikes, and it's just one of those things that you do to benefit your family when you make the decision to have one. You're no longer just a guy with some hobbies, your family being one of them. Now you're a head of household, like it or not, with more responsibilities than free time. Yes, it's tough. I didn't make it myself, so I'm not preaching. My own husband was so jealous of the time I spent with out daughter, he became something of a hypochondriac demanding constant sympathy. He just didn't understand why I couldn't work all day and come home to take care of our child AND pay him huge amounts of attention over every little sniffle he had. What I wanted was some help from a fellow adult, and some sex now and then! I didn't need an adult child to take care of. It sounds like your wife's interest in sex is not very strong, and that may be a bigger problem for the two of you than anything else. A woman's weight is often a reflection (to some extent) of how she feels about herself and her sexuality. Most of us know that men find us more attractive when we're a certain size, and (I'm going out on a limb here, but speaking from personal experience) sometimes the weight is a way of keeping men at a distance, if even subconsciously. She's got two kids at twenty-four, she's tired, she doesn't want to have to perform anymore, maybe she feels that taking care of your kids should endear her to you enough without having to add another struggle to her life to lose weight. I'm guessing, of course.
Honestly, child care being as expensive as it is, have you seriously considered if she could reasonably earn enough to make a positive difference in your families' cash flow? I don't know what her education level is, but more hours for her might not mean more in your pockets at the end of the week if you have to spend a lot on child care. However, it may give her a break and get her more into the adult world and perhaps that would benefit her outlook, I don't know.
I hope you will consider well the ramifications of straying. I think you would not have posted if you weren't looking for some sincere advice. If your marriage is assumed monogamous (which most are), then it would be dishonest of you to have an affair behind your wife's back. In addition to crushing her if she found out, it might have adverse affects on you as well. You won't know until you get there, but most people are not so hardened that they can break their promises and still feel okay about themselves, and what if you DO teach yourself to do this? Is that really a talent you want to learn?
Man, life is hard! I wish you the best in your search for what road to take, post often and let us know how you are doing. I appreciate the candor with which you've spoken about your personal life, perhaps talking like this with her would be of benefit, if you think she could handle it. Much love, Jana
No wife...BUT my SO (of 45 years) has added girth and pounds. We both use to have 29" waist. No more. Has been a long time since we have had sex with each other...although we do still have three-ways (when available).
madame_zora
Sexy Member
Wow, everyone's life is so different. After 45 years, one would expect your bodies to change! How is it that you have three-ways but not have sex with each other? Just curious.
Zora,
Thank you for the sincere direction. Nearly all the things you mentioned have already run thru my head a time or two. My parents were divorced when I was very young but old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. I am not trying to jutify my thoughts on straying and I know it is wrong also. I have seen the effects of divorce on children, my sister committed suicide after a lengthy custody battle betweem bitter and angry parents.(which is only exponentially worse now).
I can also see that "my" problem with my wife's weight is trivial to most nearly everyone. But I am an extremely sexually person and it tears me up inside(and out).
Gotta go.............. Tad
Thank you for the sincere direction. Nearly all the things you mentioned have already run thru my head a time or two. My parents were divorced when I was very young but old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. I am not trying to jutify my thoughts on straying and I know it is wrong also. I have seen the effects of divorce on children, my sister committed suicide after a lengthy custody battle betweem bitter and angry parents.(which is only exponentially worse now).
I can also see that "my" problem with my wife's weight is trivial to most nearly everyone. But I am an extremely sexually person and it tears me up inside(and out).
Gotta go.............. Tad
madame_zora
Sexy Member
Gee, I hope I didn't come across as trivialising your feelings, I am sorry if I did. I think you have every right to feel as you do, I was just offering some insight (such as it is) as to the outcomes of seeking sex outside tha marriage. I would certainly not presume to judge you either way, as I said, I chose the easy way out, which was to divorce. I hope that there will be a better answer for you, that's all.
Zora,
Please don't take my reply as being sarcastic. I was being completely honest. I appreciate a woman's perspective. I'm sorry if I sounded shitty, I was in a hurry and just wanted in get a word or two in before my busy day started..............
Tad
I have to admit that I am pretty impressed with the advice. Some of it had crossed my mind and other things had not.
My mother had a couple of children pretty close together. She was able to stay at home and I am glad that she could. She did make an effort to stay in shape. During our nap times she would be in the living room doing aerobics with some lady on the T.V. She shared responsibilities with a few other ladies on the block with kids around the same age. This allowed her a bit of time to herself without us. I think when a woman spends all day with children and does not have a life outside the home it is difficult on them. My mother started volunteering with a non-profit society when she could. This allowed her a life outside of the family. It also eventually led to contacts and a job offer that worked out well for her. I realize that her volunteering would not help with the bills- but it may remind her that there is still life going on. It may also get her a little more active and she may realize that she could find the time to work a few hours a week.
From what you described a few hours volunteering somewhere will not fix the problems- but it may help start her back on the road to an actual life. People are correct that being 50 lbs overweight at that age is not healthy if it is due to a lack of movement. If she were active and overweight it would be one thing- but it sounds as though the reason for the weight gain is a sedentary lifestyle. I hope you can get her off the couch and actively participating in life. I also hope you can regain some of the life you had hoped for when you married.
My mother had a couple of children pretty close together. She was able to stay at home and I am glad that she could. She did make an effort to stay in shape. During our nap times she would be in the living room doing aerobics with some lady on the T.V. She shared responsibilities with a few other ladies on the block with kids around the same age. This allowed her a bit of time to herself without us. I think when a woman spends all day with children and does not have a life outside the home it is difficult on them. My mother started volunteering with a non-profit society when she could. This allowed her a life outside of the family. It also eventually led to contacts and a job offer that worked out well for her. I realize that her volunteering would not help with the bills- but it may remind her that there is still life going on. It may also get her a little more active and she may realize that she could find the time to work a few hours a week.
From what you described a few hours volunteering somewhere will not fix the problems- but it may help start her back on the road to an actual life. People are correct that being 50 lbs overweight at that age is not healthy if it is due to a lack of movement. If she were active and overweight it would be one thing- but it sounds as though the reason for the weight gain is a sedentary lifestyle. I hope you can get her off the couch and actively participating in life. I also hope you can regain some of the life you had hoped for when you married.
Tad- I didn't read through everything, but in case not one already suggested it, if/when you approach your wife about losing weight, offer to get in shape along with her. You may already be in good shape, but it will help to soften the blow and give her a work-out buddy.
And yes - kids drain the sex life right out of a marriage.
And yes - kids drain the sex life right out of a marriage.
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