Hate your partner?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_cigarbabe, Dec 3, 2007.

  1. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Has anyone suddenly found,that you are in a relationship with a person,you once loved,but now you don't?
    Could you please tell why?
     
  2. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    She cheated on meh. Also, I was thinking, or rather...doing something, I forget the name.

    Anyway, my point is. Flowers are perishable goods. I've known that since I was 14, its one of those weird things that stick in my mind, I remember the picture of it. So when I went to her house and she said her 'ex' had 'sent' them to her I knew he hadn't because they wouldn't be alive (this was for her birthday btw).

    So for a long time (couple months) I pretended I didn't know...there were other clues btw, before the flowers incident.

    I wouldn't say I hate her. I hate what she did. I love her as a person and think she has a great spirit.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sometimes you wake up and see how certifiably INSANE they are. And that really they're not that attractive, have a bit of a tash and have some serious sexual hang ups...I say wake up, you reach your limit and the elastic band of illusory love snaps and you see things as they are.
     
  3. Principessa

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    We were young, it was a long distance relationship, I suspected he had been cheating (and had some proof of this). Most importantly he was an alcoholic, and I eventually realized I could not change him. :frown1:

    I remember waking up one bright clear winter morning and realizing I just didn't love him anymore. More importantly I realized I felt better about me when we were apart than when we were together. I didn't see the sense in hanging onto him just so I could say I had a boyfriend . . . a few days later I dumped him. It was December 7, 1986.

    I remember the date because one of my girlfriends made fun of me for dumping him on Pearl Harbor Day; :rolleyes: and another got on my case and said I should have waited until after Christmas because he always gave such nice presents. :wtf: Sorry, I am just not that mercenary or materialistic. I would rather be free of him for the holidays than stay together in hopes of some glitzy bauble. :cool:
     
  4. Principessa

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  5. Bbucko

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    The tipping points here, for me, were indifference and belligerence.

    I was involved for more than nine years with someone who changed dramatically in some ways, while not at all in others. I have often cited his dependence on prescription pain killers as the cause of our breakup, but it was actually more involved.

    When we met, I was still in a vulnerable stage, mourning the death of my partner in France two years previously. I was still wrestling with feelings of betrayal and abandonment and was looking for someone very secure and steady. And I had only recently reconnected with my career after a period of soul-searching, which was emotionally satisfying but not terribly remunerative, so was ready for someone to help me make the required decisions in order to translate my professional experience into a decent salary.

    I believed that I'd found both. We met on what happened to be his first night ever in a gay bar (I was 35, he was 32 and a late bloomer) and had just begun a painful coming-out process to his friends (most of whom couldn't accept it) and family (who tried to be supportive but hadn't the emotional tools to deal with it). I found his utter lack of gay cultural references utterly intoxicating.

    We had grown up in the same working-class suburb south of Boston. But whereas I'd fled to find acceptance and carve a life for myself in the city, he'd stayed and led a closeted life, not even experimenting with gay sex until he was in his late 20s. It's difficult to describe how much like home he felt after years of friends and lovers from all over the world. He just seemed very stable and very familiar. And where I'd added a gloss of sophistication and affectations of worldliness, his affect was still entirely working-class.

    He worked construction and carpentry, drove a truck, listened to "classic rock" radio, worked hard and partied hard. He was a big guy, 5'11, 200 lbs, without seeming fat...just strong physically.

    And he had an incredible confidence in his opinions of what was right and what was wrong. I have always tended to intellectualize and keep my mind open to the possibilities of what life out of the margins might offer, along with a strong relativistic streak that can seem like dithering, although I prefer to think of it as curiosity and an unwillingness to judge too harshly, lest I be judged in return.

    Basically, we both thought that he could ground me from some of my odder eccentricities and that I could lift him from some of his more prosaic banalities. For several years it worked really well.

    Four years after we'd met, we decided that it was time to move on from Boston, which I'd found limited my career options and which he'd found a little too urban for his tastes, although he cherished the relationships he'd developed with his family and the remaining friends who hadn't rejected him and didn't want to move too far away from them.

    We settled on moving to Connecticut, where I was offered the job of my dreams and which was just a 2-3 hour car ride away from his connections.

    But once there, his attitude began to change.

    When we'd first met, he called me one afternoon asking if I wanted some company. Replying enthusiastically that I would, I asked why he wasn't at work. He answered that he'd been doing some demolition and that a stud had fallen from overhead, a large protruding nail having slammed unto his big toe, going all the way through the sole of his shoe.
    "Why aren't you in the hospital?"
    "They stitched me up in the ER, gave me some Percocets and told me to keep in covered, gave me a shot and let me go."
    "Can you drive?"
    "I'm perfectly fine...and have the weekend off."

    This attitude amazed me, as I would have been a basket case if anything similar had happened to me. But I took this as his strength and "manliness". As long as these attributes worked peacefully, everything was fine.

    But once in CT, his "manliness" turned to belligerence much more frequently. An altercation with a boss led to his being arrested, as did a similar dispute with our landlord. He refused to understand that, at least in my world (and the world we'd built together), it's not OK to have the Police and Courts involved in settling our affairs unless absolutely required. I might well have a wild side, but had reached the age of forty without having been arrested.

    I made it clear that, as much as he might have felt justified, we couldn't be if he'd been arrested. Such belligerence was not acceptable, but I drew the line at threatening to walk out. I honestly thought that we could work everything out, as we'd always been very open and frank with each other before.

    He blew out his back at a construction job and eventually required a Lumbar Fusion. His convalescence was protracted and lasted several years, during which time he went from respecting his pain meds to abusing them, and when in certain states of mind would become completely out of control. While visiting some family in New Hampshire, a party turned ugly and he attacked an adult niece with a screwdriver. I was stuck in CT working over the weekend when it happened, and had to tell him I couldn't drive up there and bail him out when he called from jail.

    That led to a series of hospitalizations and rehabs, which he'd enter full of promises and eventually cut short, breaking those promises.

    So back to the first paragraph: His indifference to my repeated demands that he attempt to get a grip on his life and stay in control led to frequent arrests and his gaining a huge amount of weight (he was over 350 when I finally pulled the plug); His belligerence made it impossible to be with him, as I turned from lover to guardian to eventual target of his bullying wrath.

    As long as this post is, it barely covers the highlights.
     
  6. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    njqt466, I love you girl, but your quotes always look like such a mess!

    Conform or risk a flogging with a large trout.

    Bbucko... you are the most eloquent guy on here.
     
  7. Grant101

    Grant101 New Member

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    Hello Cigarbabe,

    I'm not one to preach, but you suddenly don't hate someone unless they've done something ghastly.

    Then you have every right to suddenly hate them if you're at the receiving end of a ghastly act.

    And if it wasn't a ghastly act - then you have to question your relationship radar.

    Then again"you might just have drifted apart - but you don't suddenly realise this - you know deep down.

    Cheers
    Grant
     
  8. Principessa

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    "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."
    Elie Wiesel
     
  9. B_NineInchCock_160IQ

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    I've fallen out of love with people before, but I don't think it ever happened while I was in a committed romantic relationship with them. Either it was unrequited love that eventually fizzled, or they dumped me forcing me to move on, or I was never in love with them in the first place. I've lost interest/grown bored with people I was seeing plenty of times, though.
     
  10. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    This may the most uninformed comment I've ever made as I've never had a partner, but it made me think.

    The only reasons I could imagine are:

    A willful breach of trust

    and

    The partner who hates has had a major life change. That could be discovering a new sexual orientation, or more, I think, a great inner conflict that is causing the need to drive away people who are close; addictions, life-threatening illness, or dissatisfaction with something so intrinsic to one's life that the partner becomes a living embodiment of that dissatisfaction, like Lola is for Doc in Come Back, Little Sheba.

    The difference in the two is that the first is blatant, the second is much more passive until finally some event, usually one meant to bond the two together, proves the camel's straw and the facade cracks. It is the one to fear most as it's the hardest to accept.
     
  11. Principessa

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    Huh? :confused: This is the most convoluted and confusing post of yours I have ever read.

     
  12. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I've fallen out of love before... (and I hope to God you aren't posting this for personal reasons!!!) The last time it happened, I had been in a relationship with a guy for about three years. We had our share of problems, and eventually love just wasn't enough to keep it together. In his eyes, love conquers all, and if I had been able to fall out of love, then I must have never loved him in the first place, but I think that's bullshit. After hearing enough lies and dealing with enough crap, I just decided enough was enough and that I deserved better. I stayed with him for about 6 months after I fell out of love to make sure that I was making the right decision in not wanting to be with him. I wasn't sure if my lack of love was real, or if there was just a lot of anger and frustration piled on top of it, to the point where I felt out of love but wasn't really? If that makes any sense. Finally, I got to the point where I wanted nothing but to be OUT of that relationship, and when I finally ended it, it was the most freeing experience of my life. I didn't even cry. I was just SO happy to be moving on, and I have had no regrets.
     
  13. whatireallywant

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    For me it was the second guy I'd had sex with, and the main reason was that I found out that he was sexist. That is an absolute deal-breaker for me. On top of that, if he wasn't an alcoholic he was trying to become one - he mostly liked to spend weekends getting together with his friends and drinking. That in and of itself is not that bad, but it was the way he didn't want to do anything else, and how he got angry with someone who said something about him drinking too much.

    Plus, he had no ambition. He was perfectly content (at age 25) to live with his parents for the rest of his life, work part-time for minimum wage, and spend all his money on beer. At that time I was trying to get a good job as a computer programmer and had all intentions of becoming successful. Unfortunately, my job skills/talents are lacking in that department, and while I'm certainly not like he was, I am now more simply survival-oriented rather than ambitious, unfortunately. If I can get back on track and get my act together, I may become ambitious again, but I need to be able to keep a job for more than 4 months at a time before I can really even think of that. I'd done it before (I had a steady job from 1995-2005), so maybe I will be able to do that again.
     
  14. PussyWellington

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    ..when I started to tell him about my traumatic childhood and his reply was "you should see a psychiatrist". All I wanted was for him to give me a cuddle and try and understand why I do some of the things that I do. I just wanted some understanding.

    Then he sends me an email saying that he has tried to accept me for what I am but can't. I won't list all his crimes - I don't care anymore.
     
  15. TheRob

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    I have a relationship (not a sexual one, a friendship) with a girl that I work with
    and I don't hate her
    but we do have a love/hate relationship so maybe I do

    if you want more details let me know but the short version is our weaknesses match up very poorly, the good side is our strengths match up together really really well
    but our weaknesses are perfectly aligned to make us not get along
    see she takes me for granted, and I have a lack of confidence when it comes to friendship (sexually I'm good, but with general friendships I'm a basket case with abandonment issues)
    so she takes me for granted which leads to her not showing that she likes me (even tho she does actually like me very much according to mutal friends and herself) which makes me feel that she dosn't like me
    then she has this thing where like she really gets along with someone and she likes to be around them, so I have to see her around new people that she acts like she likes, while since I have known her longer she dosn't feel like acting like that around me
    so it's this terrible circle that dosn't work out well
    it's definatly a two way street tho
    if either of us where just a touch different we'd be extreamly close
    in a way I think I have to take more of the blame
    when I sit around and think about it, overall she has expressed her likeing for me much more strongly then she has other people, but since it happened awhile ago I feel like it is less now
    I mean, this girl has (more then once) expressed the desire for her b/f to be more like me
    (to me that's probubly the biggest compliment of my life)

    ok, and that really was the short version
     
  16. Drifterwood

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    Very good question CBabe.

    The one time that I can pinpoint realising that I was not in love with someone anymore, was when I needed their support and they were just not there mentally or emotionally for me. I realised that they were incapable of any empathy and my love and respect for them evaporated in the twinkling of an eye.

    I suppose I realised that our relationship had been based on lust rather than true love. Whatever that is? Perhaps it's easier to realise what it isn't.
     
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