Haunting Thoughts

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SR_Ethan Hunke, Aug 30, 2011.

  1. SR_Ethan Hunke

    SR_Ethan Hunke New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2011
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    I have a question to ask, I am not sure what to make of this so I will ask it here.

    I had my first "sexual" experience like around a few weeks ago. It was not really anything much, just a BJ. The thing is that after that day I have felt these thoughts haunting me. It feels like regret, at least I'm positive it is. The person who I did it with was just a friend and we were fooling around.

    I thought it was just something that I would get over in time. But as the days passed, these feelings and thoughts of guilt and regret keep haunting me. I am not sure what to make of it or how to deal with this.

    What do I do?:frown1:
     
  2. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    Do you have any idea where these negative feelings about sexual expression come from? Was it the way you were raised or was there some specific trigger?
     
  3. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Guilt and regret must have a source. Bbucko is on the right track. It could be that you have been told sexual activities are sinful. It could also be that you thought it should have been more wonderful than it was, being a 'first' and all.

    I would suggest more practice, so you get better at enjoying the feeling of sexual release. It is used by many as a way to approach Divinity. Do it on your own instead of with someone, if you think 'just fooling around' trivializes it for you.
     
  4. SR_Ethan Hunke

    SR_Ethan Hunke New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2011
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    I guess that sounds about right. I mean for me sex, I mean real sex, is about the love between two people being cemented (seeing that you both see each other naked, AKA laying it all bare). That's not my parents belief, thats just what I think. I guess just doing it without the love made it seem soulless and mechanical. In the end I guess thats what got to me, it was not for love, and there was no love to it.
     
  5. CUBE

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2005
    Messages:
    7,326
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,160
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The OC
    I have heard guys say this about regret. I think you literally must recondition yourself to be OK. I am curious as if you have regret following masturbation or is it just about this person? I would trying edging and keeping things positive and then call it an eve. Maybe you need to get to the point where this is satisfying...then the orgasm will follow suit. This guilt is very hard for the other person so if you share it with him you need to make sure he is aware it is your journey and that you value him. I would also think you should do things together that are non sexual at times so you see a full valued relationship and that it is not about coming. I hope you get to the point where you see the post bj is also enjoyable and that you shares special time and attention with someone.
     
  6. travis1985

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2011
    Messages:
    868
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    31
    Gender:
    Male
    Verified:
    Photo
    Frankly, those are the right feelings to have. If I were you, I wouldn't listen to those who say you're just repressed and guilty. Sex means more to you as a person than the world's current culture says it should. The answer isn't to retrain yourself to feel otherwise. Embrace your values and hold yourself to the standards you believe in.
     
  7. SR_Ethan Hunke

    SR_Ethan Hunke New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2011
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    Got to say, probably some of the best advice I have ever heard.
     
  8. dude_007

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2010
    Messages:
    4,891
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    I'm at a loss as to what you are asking? How do you deal with your guilt? Is that what you are asking?

    There are no universal rights and wrongs. If you think getting a blowjob is an act of cementing love....well...then don't do it again until you find that special someone. In time, your feelings will change, you won't feel bad about this forever. Be thankful for the experience, it had helped you to see what you do not want.
     
  9. dude_007

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2010
    Messages:
    4,891
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Also, there is no world's current culture on anything. There are many different worldviews on the subject of sex. Romanticism is just one.
     
  10. CUBE

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2005
    Messages:
    7,326
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,160
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The OC
    The idea that these are the right feelings to have is an odd account of personal morality. Morality shapes our behavior and should not be a justification or explanation to feeling guilty over things that should be related to love and satisfaction. I stick to my advice. Later gator.
     
  11. SR_Ethan Hunke

    SR_Ethan Hunke New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2011
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    All very good points to keep in mind. I suppose I have some thinking to do.
     
  12. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    Enjoy the guilt and shame then. Frankly I don't get it, but I'm a hedonist.
     
  13. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    I'm with you on the not getting it and the hedonism.

    But having said that, I think people just need to make sure they behave in way that's congruent with who they are and what they believe. It's when we do things that don't match with our beliefs that we come out of the experience with guilt and regret.
     
  14. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Exactly!:smile:
     
  15. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2011
    Messages:
    1,439
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Florida
    I'm not going to say what I truly think because its probably extremely abbrasive at this juncture. I will say however that Helga, bbucko, and subgrrl have it right in my opinion. I believe in love and romanticism so i can understand the feelings, yet i understand others hedonistic views. Some of my own views are a product of social propaganda telling me to strive for that 'love' before sex instead of just enjoying the human experience. So I'm trying to get away from that damaging mentality. I am fortunately in a space where i dont have to worry about meaningless sex because I'm with my soulmate(i know some dont believe) and everything we do have a special meaning to me. Just do what makes you happy, if you feel unhappy try to self analyze like these other brilliant posters are saying.
     
  16. jerryhall

    jerryhall New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2008
    Messages:
    106
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Caifornia
    At different points in time, you can have love and romantic feelings and real relationships, and still have a good old horny time, sometimes, but not necessarily, even with the same person.

    Don't overthink this, we are all sexual beings and nobody is perfect. You sound like you will make someone a great partner some day!
     
  17. EllieP

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    Messages:
    7,845
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3,723
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Florida
    I remember such horrible feelings of guilt after my first sexual experience when I was 16. It felt like Edgar Allen Poe's "Telltale Heart." I knew anybody who would look at me knew I had been defiled.

    It definitely came from my parents' brand of morality. My Mum is terribly old-fashioned, but Dad is a lot more open-minded. Once I got past unfounded moral teachings I found new hope.
     
  18. D_Fizzy Cola Bottles

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2010
    Messages:
    286
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    I hear that a lot of people have negative, horrible first time sexual experiences. It might have to do with the person that you were with. You should be happy that it was only a BJ and nothing more that might be harder to expunge from your memory.

    I would suggest that you examine really thoroughly what was wrong with the experience, what did you not like about it. Was it the person, what he did, the room you were in, were you scared? What are you feeling guilty about?

    Write all of this down somewhere in a journal. Then make yourself an affirmation that you will never do anything like that again. Meaning you will try to avoid any experience that makes you feel this way. If you were scared, then tell yourself that next time you will make sure that you feel safe. If the person was moving too fast, tell yourself that next time you will make sure that your partner is thinking about you, and going at YOUR pace.

    Bear in mind that it may take some time to get sex right. Meaning to make it enjoyable or something that makes sense. So make sure that along the way, you minimize the risks, take all proper precautions. Be safe, don't be scared to tell someone you don't like being touched a certain way. Don't be afraid to stop in the middle of it. That's your right. You can walk out on sex even if it makes you look like a dweeb or the other person feels cheated.
     
  19. SR_Ethan Hunke

    SR_Ethan Hunke New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2011
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you.
     
  20. LUM_1986

    LUM_1986 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2009
    Messages:
    106
    Albums:
    5
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London UK
    Just to add a different point of view on this, I used to suffer from this a LOT when I was younger... I assumed that it was a cultural/behavioural reaction that I had, but after examining my culture and the way I was raised that just didn't make sense...

    Then one day, I read an article in The New Scientist (that I have searched for but can't find) that changed my life.

    The article basically outlined that a study done in Germany had found that there has been an increase in men feeling sexual guilt post orgasm in the Western World.

    So these scientists got together a group of men all of whom said they suffered from it; and all of whom said that they had tried and failed to use psychotherapy to treat it; and changed their diets.

    Long story short, they found that all of these men were deficient in the minerals and vitamins that are used to create ejaculate (and also interestingly most of which are used to maintain mood and emotional stability) and that after a few weeks of supplements that 92% (I remember the percentage coz it felt like a very specific number) were 'cured'...

    Basically, what Im saying is that sometimes what we think of as an emotional problem can be caused because you just DON'T have the micro nutrients required to feel good... :)

    After all, your brain can only choose to feel the emotions that you have the chemicals to achieve... Now I'm not saying that you MUST have a poor diet because of this, just that I wanted to give you a different point of view... Hope this helps.. :)
     
Draft saved Draft deleted