Growing up I was your typical straight, horny American male, and up until my 20s I'd never even entertained the thought of sex with a man. Shortly after turning 21 (way back in 1990) I went through a breakup with a woman and found myself uninterested in meeting anyone new. Because I was a bit immature, had a lot of testosterone, and was always a bit of a hypochondriac, this was a sure sign that something was wrong. "Was I gay?" I thought. And if not, is there any part of me that is? And just like that I found myself in the middle of a homosexual panic. I knew most of what was on the menu didn't interest me. Kissing...no way. Physically men didn't do it for me. Anal sex...no thanks. Oral sex...that's where the panic set in. I'd always liked seeing other cocks in porn. Not having any brothers or friends who shared, it was my only real opportunity to compare. And I always loved the blow job scenes in porn. And I've always had oral fixation. So that was it. The seed was planted. But would I ever act on it? Anyone who's ever experienced that knows how frightening it can be.
The months that followed were the scariest of my life. I was tempted, but held back for a number of reasons. A. My God fearing side told me I'd rot in hell B. AIDS C. I was a straight, proud 21 year old and didn't want to be gay! As curious as I was, I was afraid it would affect how I interact with males for the rest of my life.
For about a year I analyzed men and women. How we're alike, how we're different. What I liked and what I didn't like. It was an interesting time. It's almost as if I was entering data for my brain, yet the end result was information that had been there all along. The day finally came when I knew for sure I wasn't gay. I'd gone through my mental journey and was now able to breathe easy. So what did I do next? I went out and picked up a male prostitute to see what it would be like! I'd done the mental thing now I wanted to see if the physical did anything for me. I picked up a black transvestite and paid him 20 bucks to play with his cock.
After a few minutes I knew it wasn't for me. I thanked him, told him he could go, and that was the last I ever did anything like that. That was 17 years ago.
Do I ever have gay fantasies? Every now and then I'll think about it. I think one really good trait to have is to not always act on impulse, and also know that you can't have everything in life. I love women. I'm completely attracted to women. And I won't jeopordize a future life I see with one. If I were to cross over into some bi lifestyle I think I'd become completely jaded, and probably addicted. One thing that always attracted me to the gay lifestyle is it seems so available, where as with women it's rarely if ever available.
I think we're animals by nature, and hundreds of years ago men were probably more animalistic around each other. Because we live in different times, men seek to explore this nature through other ways. This site would certainly be one. And that's why I'm here.