Have You Cut Ties With Your Immediate Family?

[Serial Kisser]

Ladies, I need some advice and a place to vent, because I'm a wreck right now.

I don’t know where go from here. I’ve never had a good relationship with my mom and my stepdad. In the past, they’ve been physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. My mom is notorious for saying shit without thinking, and then acting surprised when I have a negative reaction to it. Her response when I call her out on it is “But I’m your mom.” We have a long history of her being manipulative, passive aggressive and having tried to gas light me. For example, she’ll say something hurtful, I’ll explain to her that it’s hurtful, and she tells me I’m overreacting and being dramatic.

This evening, on a normal phone call, she mentioned that two of my uncles are having health issues. I said, OK, cool. Thanks for letting me know. I don’t know these uncles well, so I’m a little unsure as to the importance. And I asked her what the importance of it was. And she hits me with this:

Her: “Sometimes I think you are desensitized to death.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Her: “Well, I think I shielded you and your brother from death too much, so you’re desensitized to it.”

Me: (Starting to get angry) “Can you say that to yourself again please and think about how it sounds?”
Mom continues to double down that I’m desensitized and she protected me too much growing up because I didn’t come to one of my grandmothers’ funerals. Well, she was sick and old and in a better place.

For background information: My dad died when I was 8. A cousin I was very close to died when I was 12. My grandma whom I was super close to died about 10 years ago, etc. etc. the list goes on and on. Most recently though, my dog, my best friend, my ride or die for 13 years passed away last June. I’m STILL not over that.

I basically shouted at my mom that I can’t keep up with her thinking at times I’m too sensitive and at times I’m not sensitive enough and I hung up on her.

I received a long ass text from her that she tried to explain that she wasn’t there for me to talk about my dad’s death — this was 27 years ago. I don’t know why she’s bringing it up. I told her that I don’t need to talk about it with her, that I had paid plenty of therapists in the last 20 years or so to take care of that for me.

I was just getting myself calmed down when I got this lovely email from my step dad —

Title: Stop Belittling Your Mom
"Your mom loves you. The fact that she even tries to keep in contact with you amazes me. Every time she reaches out to you, you turn her words against her. When are you going to realize that she doesn’t always get the words out the way she wants. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your mother only has your health and welfare in mind always. You care about losing Luna (My dog) more than your family’s love for you.
Think about how you speak to your mom before you start berating her or don’t answer calls. “

That got me going again. I forwarded the email to my mom, to show her the kinds of things he says to me, and wished them well together because I’m done.

I blocked their email address and their phone numbers because I’m just at a loss. I don’t see them anymore, because they moved 10 hours away, but I spent March-May quarantining at their house in a low risk area. But I’ve been back in my place since June.

I don’t know what to do next. I don’t feel like apologizing because I don’t think I’m in the wrong. I think what my step dad said was wrong. And I’m sure my mom will side with him, because she always does.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

TL;DR My mom and I got in an argument, I hung up on her, step dad sent a nasty email in my mom’s defense, and I’m ready to just cut all contact off.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I have an estranged sister who I do not see or speak to anymore whatsoever. There have been times when I can't speak to my mother because we argue about my sister and her daughter.

With my momma we always find a way back to speaking terms. My sister? If I'm left in a room alone with her it's too likely we'll get in a physical fight, and I'm a solid 40 pounds heavier than her, and would without a doubt end up hurting her and regretting it. She's hit me a few times, I've never hit her back because I know what door I'd be opening if I did. I don't like thinking about what would happen.

All I can say, don't do meth. Just fuckin don't do it.

That's a shit situation, I wish I had some advice to offer but I don't. I still don't know how to deal with what my family got stuck dealing with... I just take it moment by moment.

I really miss my sister.

 

[286798]

Do what gives you peace. Period. Your well being is the priority.

That said- your stepdad probably only heard your mom's side and probably has the best of intentions... likely wanting to smooth things over and protecting your mom. It's a good thing... possibly misguided, but benevolent. I'd be inclined to give him a pass WHILE protecting your boundaries.

IMO, parents don't always have it figured out. They do the best they can. Sometimes that "best" is what's best for them, not best for you. Not in an INTENTIONALLY manipulative way, but in a self-protecting way. I know of someone who's parents ignored abuse because they couldn't handle the guilt of not preventing it. Selfish, yes, but not intentionally hurtful. It kinda sounds like your 'rents are doing the same thing... Self protecting. You should do the same... for as long as you need to, but do it kindly. You can't take back harsh words after they're said, but you can proactively guard your peace.

Hugs to you.

 

[950483]

Respond rather than react to her nonsense. Sometimes it can be better to cut people out of your life, but I think under the circumstances, and what with covid, that will just make you the villain.

If she's your mother you must know her well enough by now, and have enough awareness not to play her stupid games. My gut feeling is that it's not you, it's her.

 

[deleted924715]

My mum always gets a pass. One day she won't be around.

I'm not sure step dad jumping in is helping the situation.

 

[Serial Kisser]

Now I'm getting emails about how much my *dead* father would be ashamed of me. They're going right into the spam folder, but still. To play the father card - A. Doesn't affect me because I'm clearly desensitized. and B. seems like a low blow. I give up.

 

[deleted5791141]

It’s okay to set your boundaries. You know your worth and you know what’s best for you. And unfortunately, with family, you don’t get to choose who they are. Even though she’s your mom, it doesn’t mean she’s right. Probably best not to answer the phone anymore when she calls. She might be best in very small doses at your pace, not hers. And agreed with the others - stepdad meant well but best to ignore.

Good luck and I hope you find peace in your decision.

 

[EllieP]

My Mum is a religious nut. I have no religion because of her. I got married a few days after I turned 18. I wanted to be free of her as soon as I could.

I had a baby. She was part of my daughter's life but not mine. Two years later I was divorced. I needed my Mum, but I hadn't made up with her yet. It's not that I was proud, but we had to come to an understanding. It took three months before we had a hard cry. It was really hard.

I don't know if we ever talked it out, but we have that understanding.

My Dad told me once it's the trees that don't bend in the wind that are taken down by gales. Mum and I both bent. Neither of us gave up our convictions, but we realize those convictions aren't necessary to our relationship.

 

[LaFemme]

The thing with parents, is that they are always doing the best that they can. Mentally ill, abusive, manipulative or whatever. It’s the best they can do. Sometimes they grow and sometimes they don’t. They’re just human beings.

I had to make a similar choice about my dad. He took every opportunity to tear me down. He was very abusive to me when I growing up. I got to the point where I’d start shaking every time he called me. I had flashbacks to the abuse. Therapists kept telling me I had to confront him, tell him how I felt. But every time I tried, it didn’t go well, to put it mildly.

Finally a therapist told me, I didn’t have to confront him. It would never help. He will never change. He’s doing what he thinks is best. I could cut him out of my life. I could decide to accept him exactly the way he was. The choice was completely mine. I was no longer under his control.

I thought long and hard about that decision. I decided to communicate with him on my terms. I only answered calls when I felt strong enough to deal with them. When he’d berate me, or throw the guilt on me, or tell me what a loser I was, I’d just say, “love you, dad, but I have to go”. And I’d hang up. I had a third party with me when I saw him face to face.

But our relationship grew from that. I got to know him as a human being. I forgave him even though he never acknowledged any wrongdoing. His treatment of me was a result of his pain, his feelings of inadequacy. He died several years ago, and I miss him.

It’s totally up to you. Cut her out or accept her exactly the way she is. I wouldn’t blame you one bit for cutting her out. Whatever you decide to do, do it on your terms. Be at peace with your decision. Just because my father and I developed a relationship (albeit complex and deeply flawed) doesn’t mean that you’ll ever have a good relationship with your mom. Just do whatever you do on your terms.

*hugs* baby girl.

 

[286798]

 

[Mittimer]

I've cut ties with 98% of my family. I speak to my mom and dad, as well as my dad's mom and one of my nieces. Beyond that, I have cut ties with my sister who is an addict, my brother who is a racist and the rest of my family that are just genuine lecherous pieces of shit. My oldest brother killed himself and brought out the worst in lots of my family. For my own mental well being I've had to remove myself from them.

There was about a year that I didn't speak with my own mother, she had assumed my identity and ruined my credit. I've dug myself out of that hole thankfully. But I had the choice of either cutting her and dad out for good, or accepting it and moving on. I came to terms with it and moved on. Only spoke to them again about six months before my wedding, which.. That was a mess in and of itself because of the guilt and manipulation.

Ugh. Blah blah blah.

My family is shit a lot of the time, and I've cut out the vast majority of them with no regrets. My mom and dad though, I love them and I need them for my own sanity. They've both changed and my mom and I are friends now.


Do exactly what you need to do for your own well being. Genuinely do not worry about what they do or say. If removing your mom from your life is best for YOU, then do it. Zero guilt. You have the choice to accept her as well. You know her games, don't let them get to you.

I hope you find peace in whatever choice you do make.

 

[MickeyLee]

"Blood is Thicker than Water"

Full quote... and a good way to move through life.

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb"

When it comes to toxic kin, I use the @LaFemme wisdom, I choose to have them in my life. Familial bonds are not obligations.

How they value our connection is up to them. Fuck'em is ever a possibility.

Eventually my self-preserving instincts will kick in.

 

[Holly Doors]

I don't get on with my sisters overly well or rather they don't get on with me, one in particular has an almost obsessive dislike to my lifestyle which I really don't get, I mean if you don't like my choices in life then simply don't ask me about it or try to interfere. There's also an underlying jealousy because I married into a financially well off relationship (not that that had any bearing on choosing my partner, I actually didn't have a clue) they both like to have their pennies worth of negativity and hate way too often and with the bitchiest of my sisters it's led to physical fights occasionally.
All that aside we're always there for each other and I would never think of disowning either of them, I go out of my way to help when I can not that I'm ever given any appreciation but I know it's there at the end of the day. X

 

[Scarletbegonia]

So, let me get this straight...
Your folks let you stay with them for three months because their location wasn’t a hot spot.

Now you are back in your place, and when your mom calls about her brothers having health issues while a freaking pandemic is going on and all the can’t visit in hospital stuff, and you basically say ‘thanks for telling me?” without asking for details, or asking how your mom is feeling about it?

And when she starts thinking about her parenting, you get angry in a couple sentences?

since your mom was widowed, I’m betting death stays on her mind.
That sense that everything can vanish in a second needs to not dominate a person’s existence.
Maybe for her, it does dominate her existence.
She’s thinking she is going to lose these people she loves, and you, someone she loves, came across as blasé.

In raising my kid, I yelled, I screamed, I was fiercely protective and had high standards. As a woman who had gone through a hellish divorce, I felt judging eyes were everywhere. Intense pressure led to intense reactions.
I’ve apologized for the gaps to my kiddo.
But I know I also took that kid along on the ride called life. Music festivals, hikes, concerts galore. We hung out for the hell of it. Taught him to budget by grabbing the school clothes cash I’d squirreled away, went to a thrift store first, and other stores to fill gaps. (Kid always had cash left over and a decent wardrobe)
We had something we called walk and talk. We did it weekly, and it was a less judgement zone where either could air out grievances, ask questions, work out issues with others, whatever needed to happen.
Kiddo remembers the yelling. Kiddo models the inclusion with other small humans.
We get along pretty well.
I know I’m advisory board now, and not The Responsible Adult.
It’s a great promotion.