wonderland
Experimental Member
i was raped numerous times by a family member, he actually had me convinced it was my fault because i was very large for my age,said i walked around hard all the time. the school showers didnt help much because the guys used to tease me and ask why i had a hardon all the time so i was petrified it was going to happen in school too,it did.
i couldnt go to therapy because the family would find out what happened, so i had to live with it. it happened a few times after that with different people thru the years but the worst was my best friend that i confessed all this to trying to get help, said he understood and seemed concerned but the first chance he got he knocked me out with either and raped me. i came real close to suicide that time, just couldnt live with it.
i was a very attractive teen and had tons of people tell me that so i figured thats was the problem. i let my body go, gained weight and some other things so i wasnt attractive anymore, i was willing to do anything to make it stop.
its been years now but its still all there in my mind, i dont date,dont go out, just sort of a recluse, never had actual sex, tried, just brought back bad memories so i quit.
i destroyed all my old pictures, everything that reminds me of that time in life, gone.
i figure this late in life just leave it alone, dont stir the memories.
sorry for the long post but it helps to talk sometimes, it also really hurts.
I felt incredibly sad reading your post. You are living with the horrible memories everyday. You should be able to be live a better life. It is never too late to do that. Things can always get better. Please get help.