Have you ever ghosted someone?

[bucknaked9]

Hmmm...


I went home... and haven't contacted her since. I don't think she was crazy... the guy she was describing to me didn't sound like me to me... but then, all that tells me is that, after the first dumping, I was never quite myself with her again. Her inability to explain why she dumped me nor why she took me back kind of put me off my center... and instead of focusing on delighting in her, I was looking to figure out how I was messing up. Thinking more about how she was reacting to me, than just thinking about her.
What had been an immediate and sexually heated rapport, when we first met, had became me trying to figure out where that went, and why.

Dude, your daughter-in-law was right.

This woman sounds fucking crazy. She definitely scrambled your brain. From what you posted it seems like she played you hard, made you doubt yourself and left you wondering what went wrong for pretty much no reason. That sounds like manipulation to the max. From your post, it seems like you saw each other for a couple of months and besides the period you describe as good/sexually heated, it all looks like mind games from her part. Obviously this wasn't meant to be something more, but be glad it wasn't. Who knows how else she would've fucked with your heart and your head.

 

[rtg]

Yeah- and even then its a trap.

In my last relationship, she was wealthy and I was not. I had to move into Her mansion, and things went by her rules. I happily complied... And bent my talents and efforts to helping with her remodeling and property investment projects... and dedicated my free time to building rapport with her children and helping them thru the end of their teen years and into being on their own...

but one of her complaints ended up being that I did not pay enough attention to my OWN career. ( my income went down because being with her meant not having a studio nor my staff. ) I pointed out that I was still paying my own bills , and that, at 60, just how much more focus do I need to place on my career? I had chosen to focus on her and her children and my children needs.

So even being compliant didn't win me any points, either.

And I even had the one horn, too... just not on my head.

Sometimes, you just can't win.

The problem with relationship is that there has to be TWO people who see eye to eye and Both agree that small things just do not matter in the greater scope of life.

I think that is getting harder and harder to come by... because so many people are used to ordering something online and sending it back for a full refund if it isn't exactly right.

Totally agree with you!

 

[bucknaked9]

Yeah- and even then its a trap.

In my last relationship, she was wealthy and I was not. I had to move into Her mansion, and things went by her rules. I happily complied... And bent my talents and efforts to helping with her remodeling and property investment projects... and dedicated my free time to building rapport with her children and helping them thru the end of their teen years and into being on their own...

but one of her complaints ended up being that I did not pay enough attention to my OWN career. ( my income went down because being with her meant not having a studio nor my staff. ) I pointed out that I was still paying my own bills , and that, at 60, just how much more focus do I need to place on my career? I had chosen to focus on her and her children and my children needs.

So even being compliant didn't win me any points, either.

And I even had the one horn, too... just not on my head.

Sometimes, you just can't win.

The problem with relationship is that there has to be TWO people who see eye to eye and Both agree that small things just do not matter in the greater scope of life.

I think that is getting harder and harder to come by... because so many people are used to ordering something online and sending it back for a full refund if it isn't exactly right.

Being 29 in this age of dating and online connectivity is a very interesting time to be a part of. People expect instant gratification as if it's a right and not a privilege. It has made people more self-centered, very impatient and less empathic. Online dating has skewed people's perception of romantic possibilities. Instead of meeting someone and focusing on them we are faced with countless romantic options to explore, making us think "What if?" with all of them instead of focusing on person that is truly in front of us. I personally dislike online dating and find it very weird, as if you're making a grocery list and ticking off all the items in pursuit of that "one true love".

On another note though, all this instant connectivity has led to an evolution of social changes. People being more open/honest about their sexuality, sexual identities, etc. People are more curious and wanting to explore themselves fully, and that some times does not leave room for a significant other. It's difficult to balance self-exploration and a fully committed relationship for some people. Some times having an S.O. holds them back and even this has led to more unconventional systems of relationships such as non-monogamy and polyamory being practiced. People are less willing to sacrifice their priorities to balance with someone else's. We are no longer living in the age of "the american dream", what ever that even was. We're at a crossroads with what many perceive as a traditional way of living (going to school, meeting someone, getting married, starting a family, etc.) and discovering what else is out there for us beyond the cookie-cutter box. The crazy thing is, as technology advances and evolves it will force us to do the same with it, maintaining this always-changing climate for our relationships.

 

[Shackleford]

Ghosting is when someone you were dating, or a friend, decides they no longer want to continue the relationship... but instead of giving you the courtesy and respect of telling you this, they decide to fall off the face of the earth. They don't initiate any contact. They will either ignore your attempts of contact with them or will write back something short and non committal in the hope that you get the hint. It's the cowards way out because they don't have the balls to have a frank conversation with someone so think it's just easier if they get the hint through silence. Hence, ghosting.

In that case, I've never ghosted anyone, but I've been haunted a couple of times.

 

[FastNHard]

Ghosting is when someone you were dating, or a friend, decides they no longer want to continue the relationship... but instead of giving you the courtesy and respect of telling you this, they decide to fall off the face of the earth. They don't initiate any contact. They will either ignore your attempts of contact with them or will write back something short and non committal in the hope that you get the hint. It's the cowards way out because they don't have the balls to have a frank conversation with someone so think it's just easier if they get the hint through silence. Hence, ghosting.

Ah, Okay. I've not done that then, lol. I had a girl break up with me by a letter given to me by her friend though. It was because I didn't do the things she liked, drinking while driving, road tripping, things like that.

 

[bucknaked9]

Ah, Okay. I've not done that then, lol. I had a girl break up with me by a letter given to me by her friend though. It was because I didn't do the things she liked, drinking while driving, road tripping, things like that.

Drinking while driving is pretty shitty, dude..

 

[twoton]

Hmmm...
I guess I ghosted a woman or two recently.









































I haven't been on a date since.

After reading this.....I'm glad I'm married and don't have to put up with crap like you have to put up with.

I was ghosted once. She told me soon after we started dating that her preferred method of breaking up with a guy was to ignore his calls.

(This was about 10 years before texting existed and when very few people owned mobile phones--there were car phones and "bag" phones, and very few of either around)

One time we said goodbye, and she said, "Give me a call tomorrow and we'll get together."

I called and she didn't answer. I left a message. Right at that moment I knew it was over. I called again. Nothing. I called the next day. Nothing. All I wanted was for her to say, "We're over."

I ran into her about two weeks later as she was leaving a bar with a guy. Whatever. I didn't care. She was sooo happy to see me! "He's just a friend!" she said. Whatever. I truly didn't give a rat's ass. "I'll call you after Thanksgiving!" she said. Whatever. It was the weekend before Thanksgivjng. And no, she didn't call.

I ran into her in a convience store about six months later. I was at the time dating my wife. The "ex" looked bad. Like warmed-over oatmeal. Whatever.

 

[rtg]

Drinking while driving is pretty shitty, dude..

If I was dating someone who did that and they didn't respect me or themself enough to stop then I'd probably do the same...

 

[Beedie Tijii]

I actually blocked a girl's number for the first time in my life last weekend. It was a first date from Tinder. Met her in a bar and after we'd been talking for a while, the conversation somehow turned to her having to explain that she was into some pretty bizarre sexual stuff; I won't go into details but she was sort of a borderline furry type. I don't want to seem judgemental -- I mean, here I am posting on kind of a fetishy site, myself -- but there was minimal enough attraction and chemistry on my part to begin with, and I just didn't want to be dragged into explaining that there was no way I could give her the "lifestyle" that she wanted, so I decided to ghost. Blocking the number was probably overkill but no regrets.

I dunno, maybe this was a dickish response on my part, but I've had it done to me often enough that I don't care. I usually try to be pretty honest and forthright with the women I date and sometimes this gets me into trouble, too.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

I actually blocked a girl's number for the first time in my life last weekend. It was a first date from Tinder. Met her in a bar and after we'd been talking for a while, the conversation somehow turned to her having to explain that she was into some pretty bizarre sexual stuff; I won't go into details but she was sort of a borderline furry type. I don't want to seem judgemental -- I mean, here I am posting on kind of a fetishy site, myself -- but there was minimal enough attraction and chemistry on my part to begin with, and I just didn't want to be dragged into explaining that there was no way I could give her the "lifestyle" that she wanted, so I decided to ghost. Blocking the number was probably overkill but no regrets.

I dunno, maybe this was a dickish response on my part, but I've had it done to me often enough that I don't care. I usually try to be pretty honest and forthright with the women I date and sometimes this gets me into trouble, too.

the misdeeds of others do not exculpate your own.
That it has been done to you is no reason to do the same to someone else.
You are exacting retribution on an innocent person.

You could literally have just told her when she called back that you didn't think you had enough in common.

The way to combat this kind thing is to not pass it on.

 

[rtg]

I actually blocked a girl's number for the first time in my life last weekend. It was a first date from Tinder. Met her in a bar and after we'd been talking for a while, the conversation somehow turned to her having to explain that she was into some pretty bizarre sexual stuff; I won't go into details but she was sort of a borderline furry type. I don't want to seem judgemental -- I mean, here I am posting on kind of a fetishy site, myself -- but there was minimal enough attraction and chemistry on my part to begin with, and I just didn't want to be dragged into explaining that there was no way I could give her the "lifestyle" that she wanted, so I decided to ghost. Blocking the number was probably overkill but no regrets.

I dunno, maybe this was a dickish response on my part, but I've had it done to me often enough that I don't care. I usually try to be pretty honest and forthright with the women I date and sometimes this gets me into trouble, too.

I don't think she would have too offended though if you were just upfront and politely said that you can't offer what she wants?
Anyway pm me and tell me the details of what she was into lol

 

[Beedie Tijii]

the misdeeds of others do not exculpate your own.
That it has been done to you is no reason to do the same to someone else.
You are exacting retribution on an innocent person.

You could literally have just told her when she called back that you didn't think you had enough in common.

The way to combat this kind thing is to not pass it on.

You're right, except about the part about retribution, which was not what motivated my behaviour. I just thought it was more convenient to not have to have any kind of awkward follow-up. I am a hypocrite but I wasn't acting out of any kind of malice. I really doubt she was too broken up about the lack of closure; it was just a first (Tinder) date.

 

[JustAGuyWatchingPeople]

Looks like this thread has been dead for a while, but figured I'd comment since I just found it.

There have been people I have ghosted in the past, for various reasons. Some it was before social media grew pervasive, others it was because initially I was too embarrassed to say anything, or did not want them to think that there was more than a friendship. There are some who I ghosted due to a lifestyle change, for example, being in a serious relationship/getting a new job/moving and not being around that person anymore, communication starts to dwindle. Now if the person was a friend, and then I either hear something about them and want to find out if they are ok, or offer a congratulations, I would hope that it was taken as it was meant: a sincere interest in their life and well-being.

And then there are those who I have ghosted due to not being on that particular social site very often anymore, so if I happen to log in and see them, I say hi, and hope it is taken as meant: "I haven't been on this site for a while and saw you are on, how are you?"

If someone feels they have been ghosted, it is possible that the other person actually has been oblivious- with days filled with work, paying bills, current social obligations, time to unwind, etc... it can turn into a full time job if we are expected to maintain contact with everyone we have ever had some sort of interaction with. We contact those who we need to in order to keep life running, and until our memory is jogged, or we hear something about the person that we want to inquire on, we don't send out 500 personal notes a day.

 

[nailz]

All the time.
I do not like confrontations. Some people are just too high-maintenance or simply do not pay attention to repeated comments/hints/body language that I am busy/not interested/whatever. It's easier to just "ghost" them than it is to have some dramatic confrontation about it.

When dating it's also safer and more effective in many cases. It's not because I "can't be bothered to send a text"
Nine times out of ten when you call/message someone to tell them that you had a good time but sorry, you just didn't feel that connection they will either start trying to change your mind, get clingy or just get outright nasty and scary.

 

[FastNHard]

Drinking while driving is pretty shitty, dude..

Yep, that's why I didn't do it.

 

[XL_Lingam]

I recently semi-ghosted somebody, I guess. I met this woman at the coffee shop where I hang out and we seemed to hit it off. I thought she was gorgeous and I felt there was a strong physical attraction between us. We had a nice conversation for an hour or so and she said she was house-sitting out in this old cabin in the middle of nowhere and asked me if I wanted to go hang out with her there. So I went out there and we had a pretty good time. She spent a lot of time complaining about ex-boyfriends, though, and generally seemed sort of depressed and negative. But I was still interested and felt compassionate about the fact that she was apparently going through a bit of a tough time. So it was fine and I left after a couple of hours feeling like I wanted to see her again. So a couple of days later she invited me back out and while nothing dramatic or terrible happened, she said and did a few things that rubbed me the wrong way and, again, spent a lot of time complaining about her ex. And while listening to her go on and on about this guy I had this realization, "If things move forward between us this is how she'll be talking about me soon enough. All this negativity and bitterness is going to start flowing my way." So I left, and decided not to do anything else about it.

A few days later I was out of town modeling and she texted asking if I wanted to go to some nightclub with her. So I told a half-truth, "Oh, I'm not in town. I'm at a gig, probably won't be back in time." Even though I would have been back in plenty of time. Didn't contact her again.

She contacted me a short while later inviting me to a Fourth of July party. And I actually wanted to go to the party, but I blew her off again. I didn't not respond, but I kind of waited to the last minute to tell her I wasn't going--which I guess was kind of shitty. I felt a little guilty about it, but not too bad because we'd only hung out together a couple of times, we didn't have sex and I didn't make her any promises. And I'm not so hubristic as to believe my not wanting to be with someone will crush them--I'm sure she got over it just fine and moved on with her life.

Was I a little passive-aggressive and avoidant? Yeah, probably. But it was just easier to tell half-truths or be slow to respond to texts than to go through the, "You're a nice person, but..." spiel, which in its way, I suppose, can be equally passive-aggressive and avoidant.

I ran into her again last week, though. She was looking for a place to stay and I connected her with a friend who had a room available. She moved in there yesterday. So I guess that's a happy ending.

 

[AlteredEgo]

When I was single, I ghosted a few shitty lays. What was I going to say?

"I told you marking my skin was a hard boundary, but your horrendous "kissing" is so brutally violent that even though I stopped you after only a couple of minutes, there were buises all over my chest, neck, and MY FACE!!! You knew I was coming over and your apartment was disgusting, and when we ordered takeout you made me pay for half. Had I invited you to my home I would have cleaned it and fed you. Let's not forget you kiss with your teeth, live in squalor have an abnormally small, oddly shaped dick you didn't prepare me for, refused to provide oral sex, and were a cheapskate. Therefore I see you as rude, gross and cheap. I'd probably see you as a shitty lay if I hadn't lulled you to sleep and snuck out without fucking you. Suffice it to say, I do not want to see you again."

Is that really less painful than me just vanishing? And after putting up with his bullshit and being gentle about his weird dick (I said nothing about it and played with it a little, which is how I lulled him to sleep so I could sneak out.) I really just didn't feel like I owed him anything else. We haf felt each other out for a casual, no-strings sex relationship. He failed the first sleepover so I bailed.

Similarly, during my open marriage, there was a guy I decided was a bad lay and after meeting with him twice without feeling satisfied I simply never called him again. I think he sensed from a line of questioning before I left for the last time that I didn't like having sex with him. He never contacted me either.

Whenever I used online dating, I advanced communication with a new prospect slowly. First email and messaging apps, and if that went well a few phone calls and then finally a meeting. Generally, I was forthright when I did not wish to continue. I would explain that I didn't think we were compatible after all, and I would immediately indicate if my relationship status had changed. Every once in a while some guy who raised a red flag would go bonkers when I called it off. In fact, there was one who checked in with me periodically well into my marriage until my ex answered my phone and said, "You need to stop calling my wife voluntarily so I don't have to make it impossible for you to call anyone." Because of psychos like that, who respond to, "It has been a pleasure getting to know you, but things have taken a surprising turn with someone else and I no longer am available. The woman who claims you will be licky indeed. Have a beautiful life" with hours of calling back and sceraming epithets into the phone, flooding both my voicemail and andwering machine, threatening me, threatening my family, threatening my new boyfriend, and calls all friendly like it never happened is crazy. And to think, I was very close to meeting up with a few crazy guys who turned nuts when I decided not to go forward with them. They can be blamed for all the times I was considering some man, decided he was a no go, and just dropped off his radar.

So. If I ghost, basically I don't want to lie bit I think you are too weak to deal with the truth. It means I have no respect.

 

[1025326]

well i guess today social media is the straw that broke the camels back

 

[Auggiecakes]

Since I don't use social media and generally live under a rock anyway, I think I'm a bit behind the 8 ball... I've only just discovered the term ghosting. And I've sadly come to the realisation that I've been on the receiving end of this more than I'd like to think about. I've never done this to anyone I've dated... I believe in being up front.

So what I want to know, for those of you who have ghosted someone... what were your reasons? Maybe I'll learn something out of this...?

in the past, yes. it has also come around to me and i didn't like it. safe to say i'll tell you i don't want to be with you since i won't see you again anyways.

 

[Auggiecakes]

When I was single, I ghosted a few shitty lays. What was I going to say?

"I told you marking my skin was a hard boundary, but your horrendous "kissing" is so brutally violent that even though I stopped you after only a couple of minutes, there were buises all over my chest, neck, and MY FACE!!! You knew I was coming over and your apartment was disgusting, and when we ordered takeout you made me pay for half. Had I invited you to my home I would have cleaned it and fed you. Let's not forget you kiss with your teeth, live in squalor have an abnormally small, oddly shaped dick you didn't prepare me for, refused to provide oral sex, and were a cheapskate. Therefore I see you as rude, gross and cheap. I'd probably see you as a shitty lay if I hadn't lulled you to sleep and snuck out without fucking you. Suffice it to say, I do not want to see you again."

i think that meeting men like this is universal. cause i had a very similar experience....