If you have one, have you ever had to use it? Or has your partner always seemed to know your limits.
I've come close. Some of the things which I find most exciting are also dangerous and scary. But that's part of the appeal. With one partner, I became frightened when his eyes changed colors, and then again when his pupils dilated fully. I had never seen dark brown eyes change color before, and I had no idea that little iris could be visible, especially in a huge swath of sunlight, and a person could still be conscious. We were sober, but when his pupils basically ate his eyeballs, I was afraid he was blacked out or something. He was hurting me, but that was fine. It was his demeanor, and the change in his countenance, especially his eyes that gave me the screaming heebie-jeebies. I wasn't afraid of the (fairly tame) things we were doing. I was afraid of him. He looked... not quite human. Both moments, first when his eyes flashed a different color, and again when his pupils grew, I formed my mouth for the first syllable of my safe phrase, but didn't use it, deliberating. Both times he half whispered and half growled, "You don't get to tell me no." I didn't change the position of my lips and teeth right away, but I also didn't use the phrase. And ever since then, unbeknownst to me, that precise phrase has been a trigger. I have unreasonable affinity for that phrase. It sets me on fire. I found out fairly recently, when it happened to be uttered by someone else. Apparently, I don't get to tell some folks no.
For the record, I am 100% confident that if I had used the phrase that stays my partner would have stopped immediately.
I became frightened when his eyes changed colors,
I've come close. Some of the things which I find most exciting are also dangerous and scary. But that's part of the appeal. With one partner, I became frightened when his eyes changed colors, and then again when his pupils dilated fully. I had never seen dark brown eyes change color before, and I had no idea that little iris could be visible, especially in a huge swath of sunlight, and a person could still be conscious. We were sober, but when his pupils basically ate his eyeballs, I was afraid he was blacked out or something. He was hurting me, but that was fine. It was his demeanor, and the change in his countenance, especially his eyes that gave me the screaming heebie-jeebies. I wasn't afraid of the (fairly tame) things we were doing. I was afraid of him. He looked... not quite human. Both moments, first when his eyes flashed a different color, and again when his pupils grew, I formed my mouth for the first syllable of my safe phrase, but didn't use it, deliberating. Both times he half whispered and half growled, "You don't get to tell me no." I didn't change the position of my lips and teeth right away, but I also didn't use the phrase. And ever since then, unbeknownst to me, that precise phrase has been a trigger. I have unreasonable affinity for that phrase. It sets me on fire. I found out fairly recently, when it happened to be uttered by someone else. Apparently, I don't get to tell some folks no.
For the record, I am 100% confident that if I had used the phrase that stays my partner would have stopped immediately.