Have you ever moved to stay with someone?

[D_Wormslay Wonderwand]

Hey peeps!

A few months ago, I asked for some advice on what to do about my boyfriend who is moving to London to study. Until last month we were studying at the same university here in the UK, but now he's got a place in London and I've moved back in with my parents in Wales.

I really love this guy but part of me feels resentful that he's moved away to study, leaving me to try and figure out a way to be with him next year. I have no savings at all and I'm currently working part-time in a supermarket to bring in some money at least. I'm worried about what I'm going to do career-wise and I'm trying to keep this relationship together... it's stressing me out! On the one hand, I want to stay with him and on the other, I'm upset that he's moving to an expensive city which I don't particularly like. I've been there to visit him twice already and I've told him the way I feel about London.

Personally, I don't think I could handle a long-distance relationship. In the time I've been back in Wales and he's been in London, we've had countless fights about what's going on - he's being more distant than before and he's busy trying to settle down there. I know he loves me though, and it kills me that I can't be with him in London for the reasons I mentioned above.

I hate this so much! I've convinced myself that we have to finish because of the circumstances, but the thought of not having him as my boyfriend is too much. I wish he'd take this seriously but he's the kind of guy who follows his instinct and doesn't over-think like I do.

The only good thing that's going on is that I'll be visiting him and his family in Italy for two weeks in August. He's leaving the UK after our graduation ceremony next week and I won't see him until I arrive in Italy.

Can anyone help me? Have you ever moved to stay with someone you love, even if you didn't really like it?

 

[HiddenLacey]

I have never moved to be with someone, though I am sure that I would if I really loved them. You have to be sure that you are comfortable living there vs where you are now. How hard is it going to be for you to get a job there? Has he talked to you about you possibly moving there and would he help you move, or help you out until you got a job?

And then what if you break up?

If you really love him and you think he really loves you, talk to him about this, see what he says.

 

[Bbucko]

South Florida is a graveyard of old, discarded relationships. It's practically a rule of thumb that whether a couple moves down together or someone moves down to be with someone else, it doesn't last.

I met my last partner in 1995 in Boston; by 1999 I felt as though my career had peaked and wanted a change of climate, besides; so I suggested moving to Miami Beach, where we'd spent several winter vacations. Although he agreed originally, he eventually balked at the idea of leaving his friends and family so far behind, so we "compromised" and I took a job I really liked in a place I really hated (Connecticut, a neighboring state). That was probably one of the biggest errors in judgment I've ever made; the relationship was already rocky and it only got worse in CT, where he injured his back, became dependent on pain-killers and stopped being an equal part of the relationship. I should have moved alone to Miami in 1999.

By 2003, we'd both had enough of CT and those bitter, extreme winters so we moved to Ft Lauderdale, FL which he felt was better suited to his goals and lifestyle than Miami. Short version: he never found a steady job, his addiction to pain-killers (and other drugs) increased and he fell completely apart. It took about 16 months before I basically sent him packing back to Massachusetts where his family could best help him.

The specifics are unique, but the general outline is not: inevitably one of the two either spins out or leaves in frustration: I've heard the same story repeated dozens of times in the seven years I've lived here.

Then there's the case of the guy I met online at an HIV support group who moved here to live with me in 2007 as San Francisco no longer interested him: that farce lasted fewer than 10 days (thank gawd).

My advice, though I don't know you at all, would be to keep the relationship long-distance as long as you possibly can. Make adjustments only after months of consideration and mutual agreement that living apart has become impossible.

 

[B_subgirrl]

If I were you I would give long distance a try. Which part of Wales are you in? If South Wales it really isn't too far to London. I know it seems like a long way when you are in the UK, but here a 3 or 4 hour drive is barely considered long distance at all. I think it's at least worth giving it a go.

 

[arthurdent]

Gavin and Stacey managed it and that was South Wales to Essex!:biggrin1:

 

[dreamer20]

what to do about my boyfriend who is moving to London to study...he's got a place in London and I've moved back in with my parents in Wales.
I have no savings at all and ...I've told him the way I feel about London.

we've had countless fights about what's going on...he's busy trying to settle down there...I hate this so much! I've convinced myself that we have to finish because of the circumstances...Can anyone help me? Have you ever moved to stay with someone you love, even if you didn't really like it?

Wonderwand, as you don't like London and he knows this, visit him, but don't move there. Concentrate on your own studies, stop the countless fights and let him concentrate on his studies. Once your studies are out of the way you can reconsider your options.

 

[goodwood]

oh YES - i haved moved for relationships. i have forfeited career for women and moved from new york to los angeles to boston to texas only to realize that it was
all a big, giant mistake.
you seem like a smart girl. you know you don't like london, how expensice it is, you know yourself very well and you know him. please don't make the mistake we have made too often and throw caution to the wind an haul off and move there.
you are fine at your parents' place for the moment. sit tight. be patient. be thoughtful and aware and the right guy will come to you. i would encourage you to listen to yourself and stay put. if the guy is so wonderful - then he will understand this and love you all the same and wait for you to get there.

 

[helgaleena]

You need to have cybersex with your guy. You can arrange this between you if you are worried about not being 'with' each other. They also have these amazing inventions called the telephone, and the web-cam.

I spend quite a lot of time 'with' my partners this way.

 

[petite]

I've had a boyfriend move to be with me, when I went away to school. That lasted for several more years after the move. We had already been together for several years and we made the decision together where we wanted to go. He was eager to move away and experience a new place, so it was perfect for both of us, even though he ended up hating it after we'd moved.

I moved to live with TheBF after we were a long distance relationship. Now we're having a baby and getting married, which freaks me out a lot more than it does him. I am having trouble meeting new people and making friends of my own here and I hated moving away from where I lived before, where I had been living in the same part of the city for so long that it felt like I knew practically everyone. My life there was comfortable and fun and I miss it, but I'm trying to get used to a new lifestyle here.

Your guy sounds like my guy and you sound like me! I'm the over-thinker in our relationship. The difference is that we started off long distance, and I never thought about our long term potential until I was sure that I wasn't just in deep lust, I was madly in love. He actually made the first move, too, finding more work in the city where I lived and living with me for a while before returning to his hometown and leaving me home alone again. After a few months, I decided that I desperately missed him and I missed our life together, and I chose to move to be with him. While I'm not happy here and I often think about how much I miss my friends and my life where I lived before, I'm not willing to end my relationship to return there. He's made living here worth it for me, at least so far, so I'm staying.

I think that maybe you shouldn't decide anything now. When he's gone for a while, then you'll know how you feel without him in your life, and that should clarify things for you, make one choice more or less desirable. Maybe you need a while longer to think about it, so you might want to carry on a long distance relationship while you choose to stay where you are or move to be with him. You also never know what he'll do next, since he's the confident impulsive decision-maker type. After a semester he may decide that he misses you so much that he decides to transfer to another school. I'm saying that since you're so conflicted right now, don't decide right now. Just ride it out. The right choice will become clearer over time.