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I sometimes did. I imagine that an interview to get that job would kinda go like this:
Of course I was nervous. How could I not be? I needed a job and this place had a kick ass health care plan...plus dental! So I struggled to make sure I had my tie straight while I languished in the sterile waiting room starved of some sort of mental stimulation to get my mind off of how damned sure I was to blow this.
I just have to get through this interview I thought to myself. I then started to count backwards from a hundred. I got to about thirty five when he finally opened the door. He was nondescript, bland almost like an out of work high school principle.
Hi there, he held out his hand and I almost reflexively swatted at it but had the sense not to, I'm Carl.
Of course his name would be something simple and boring. Pleased to meet you Carl. I accepted his hand and gave it a shake that started too limp. I panicked and immediately squeezed harder knowing that a limp handshake would reflect badly on me.
Ow! He recoiled! That's some grip.
Damn....too hard!
Okay...now, we need to go over some of the answers here on your application exam.
Certainly Carl. I did try to be as honest as I could be considering the esoteric nature of some of them. I presume they were to gauge my reaction to some DaDa esque hiring process that is probably all the rage. Did I just pass criticism on the very hiring process I hope picks me?
Uh, no, here at Luminacery Industries these questions are all quite relevant. I really hoped he didn't spot me swallowing my nervousness. Okay...here at the beginning you stated that you would have a problem working in a building twenty stories underground with no adequate escape routes.
Oh...well I figured that if OSHA would have a problem with it I probably should too.
Well, yes but OSHA would also have a fit if they knew we were trying to create a new super-Ebola virus that can eat through concrete.
Wait....what was that?
But we don't have to place you in our bio-warfare division.....now on question thirteen. I craned my neck to get a glance to remind myself which one it was. We asked just at what level of pain you would reveal our headquarters location if you were being interrogated by Jack Bauer.
Oh yes...did I get that one wrong?
Well, you said that you would cave at knee cap stabbing and bleach immersion...we would normally like someone to at least hold out until their eyeballs are being melted out by molten metal.
I'm...not actually going to have to be interrogated by Jack Bauer, right?
He shot me an icy cold look. Of course not. He's a fictional character. The government usually uses guys from the S1-6 division to torture us if were captured. But that hardly happens anymore.
Somehow that didn't particularly reassure me.
And besides it's a moot point because you'll be getting regular brainwashings upon concluding a days work. There won't be anything to steal. They'd probably just summarily execute you.
That was even less reassuring.
Uh...this might sound odd," I started, "but I'm just going to throw this question out there...I'm not going to be required to break the law doing this job...right?
Well the legality of what we do depends on your point of view. Should The Order prevail in our work we would be making the rules. So you'd have nothing to worry about....speaking of which you marked on question seventeen that you would not be comfortable shooting the children of our enemies thus denying them the ability to continue to pollute the new paradise we are building with their defective genes.
Was that wrong?
Well, you should be at least willing to help. Be a team player and all that. I note you have stated you would be okay with a gender reassignment surgery should you be required to go undercover...that's good.
I just have miss marked that one!
But here when we asked what you would do when situated with dozens of fellow workers armed with infantry weapons firing on a lone hero commando assaulting the fortress you stated 'fire directly into his center of mass' but the correct answer was 'fire wildly in all directions then fall dead upon even a glancing hit from whatever the hero is armed with' so we might need to field train you.
You don't want me to shoot at what we're fighting?
No...that's for a real army. You'd be a stormtrooper. Totally different thing. They're there more for eye candy really. The Emperor likes to move them around like miniatures for his amusement...only you're alive and life sized.
Oh...so I'm going to be helping to establish some sort of monarchical system?
Nah, that's just a title he got at The Order's golf tournament. You know we had the chick Brett Farve sent that penis picture to MC the last one.
Really?
Oh yeah...speaking of which you aren't the type to be distracted by a bunch of scantily clad sex kittens laying around the headquarters for no particular reason would you?
Do I have to do anything demeaning for them? I had a job like that once. I vowed to never work for Pixar again!
No, but occasionally one or two of them will turn out to be super assassins and might take out whatever drones we have in the area in their attempt to get our leaders.
They don't like...kill painfully do they?
I've never had my spleen pulled out through my rectum so I wouldn't know. He went back to looking over my exam results. Knowing I had blown so many wasn't leaving me with much confidence. I've got to be honest we have been having......recruiting problems lately. Having dashing super agents breaking in and taking down whole regiments single handedly isn't good PR. So normally we wouldn't be taking someone with such moral resolve but....here's a quick question: if we were to kill an enemy and dip his or her body into a molten metal to ship their remains back to their loved ones what metal would you use?
Uh.....platinum. Because it's expensive but not clichéd.
Okay. And laser sharks or robot bears with rocket launchers?
Laser sharks are tacky. Robot bears with rocket launchers....and nerve gas!
Sounds good. Incidentally we do have a kick ass dental program 31-C. That's your new name by the way.
Great, what's my first assignment?
We need to break into the science lab of one of our enemies. We'll be sending Rebecca our sexy microbiologist that's been around for forever, Robert our dashing weapons expert that's also been around for forever, Liam our angst ridden computer expert with boyish good looks and you.....31-C
Aw crap!
Of course I was nervous. How could I not be? I needed a job and this place had a kick ass health care plan...plus dental! So I struggled to make sure I had my tie straight while I languished in the sterile waiting room starved of some sort of mental stimulation to get my mind off of how damned sure I was to blow this.
I just have to get through this interview I thought to myself. I then started to count backwards from a hundred. I got to about thirty five when he finally opened the door. He was nondescript, bland almost like an out of work high school principle.
Hi there, he held out his hand and I almost reflexively swatted at it but had the sense not to, I'm Carl.
Of course his name would be something simple and boring. Pleased to meet you Carl. I accepted his hand and gave it a shake that started too limp. I panicked and immediately squeezed harder knowing that a limp handshake would reflect badly on me.
Ow! He recoiled! That's some grip.
Damn....too hard!
Okay...now, we need to go over some of the answers here on your application exam.
Certainly Carl. I did try to be as honest as I could be considering the esoteric nature of some of them. I presume they were to gauge my reaction to some DaDa esque hiring process that is probably all the rage. Did I just pass criticism on the very hiring process I hope picks me?
Uh, no, here at Luminacery Industries these questions are all quite relevant. I really hoped he didn't spot me swallowing my nervousness. Okay...here at the beginning you stated that you would have a problem working in a building twenty stories underground with no adequate escape routes.
Oh...well I figured that if OSHA would have a problem with it I probably should too.
Well, yes but OSHA would also have a fit if they knew we were trying to create a new super-Ebola virus that can eat through concrete.
Wait....what was that?
But we don't have to place you in our bio-warfare division.....now on question thirteen. I craned my neck to get a glance to remind myself which one it was. We asked just at what level of pain you would reveal our headquarters location if you were being interrogated by Jack Bauer.
Oh yes...did I get that one wrong?
Well, you said that you would cave at knee cap stabbing and bleach immersion...we would normally like someone to at least hold out until their eyeballs are being melted out by molten metal.
I'm...not actually going to have to be interrogated by Jack Bauer, right?
He shot me an icy cold look. Of course not. He's a fictional character. The government usually uses guys from the S1-6 division to torture us if were captured. But that hardly happens anymore.
Somehow that didn't particularly reassure me.
And besides it's a moot point because you'll be getting regular brainwashings upon concluding a days work. There won't be anything to steal. They'd probably just summarily execute you.
That was even less reassuring.
Uh...this might sound odd," I started, "but I'm just going to throw this question out there...I'm not going to be required to break the law doing this job...right?
Well the legality of what we do depends on your point of view. Should The Order prevail in our work we would be making the rules. So you'd have nothing to worry about....speaking of which you marked on question seventeen that you would not be comfortable shooting the children of our enemies thus denying them the ability to continue to pollute the new paradise we are building with their defective genes.
Was that wrong?
Well, you should be at least willing to help. Be a team player and all that. I note you have stated you would be okay with a gender reassignment surgery should you be required to go undercover...that's good.
I just have miss marked that one!
But here when we asked what you would do when situated with dozens of fellow workers armed with infantry weapons firing on a lone hero commando assaulting the fortress you stated 'fire directly into his center of mass' but the correct answer was 'fire wildly in all directions then fall dead upon even a glancing hit from whatever the hero is armed with' so we might need to field train you.
You don't want me to shoot at what we're fighting?
No...that's for a real army. You'd be a stormtrooper. Totally different thing. They're there more for eye candy really. The Emperor likes to move them around like miniatures for his amusement...only you're alive and life sized.
Oh...so I'm going to be helping to establish some sort of monarchical system?
Nah, that's just a title he got at The Order's golf tournament. You know we had the chick Brett Farve sent that penis picture to MC the last one.
Really?
Oh yeah...speaking of which you aren't the type to be distracted by a bunch of scantily clad sex kittens laying around the headquarters for no particular reason would you?
Do I have to do anything demeaning for them? I had a job like that once. I vowed to never work for Pixar again!
No, but occasionally one or two of them will turn out to be super assassins and might take out whatever drones we have in the area in their attempt to get our leaders.
They don't like...kill painfully do they?
I've never had my spleen pulled out through my rectum so I wouldn't know. He went back to looking over my exam results. Knowing I had blown so many wasn't leaving me with much confidence. I've got to be honest we have been having......recruiting problems lately. Having dashing super agents breaking in and taking down whole regiments single handedly isn't good PR. So normally we wouldn't be taking someone with such moral resolve but....here's a quick question: if we were to kill an enemy and dip his or her body into a molten metal to ship their remains back to their loved ones what metal would you use?
Uh.....platinum. Because it's expensive but not clichéd.
Okay. And laser sharks or robot bears with rocket launchers?
Laser sharks are tacky. Robot bears with rocket launchers....and nerve gas!
Sounds good. Incidentally we do have a kick ass dental program 31-C. That's your new name by the way.
Great, what's my first assignment?
We need to break into the science lab of one of our enemies. We'll be sending Rebecca our sexy microbiologist that's been around for forever, Robert our dashing weapons expert that's also been around for forever, Liam our angst ridden computer expert with boyish good looks and you.....31-C
Aw crap!
