I don't mean for this thread to be depressing. I'm sorry if it reads that way.
I started it solely because I've been thinking a great deal about it. As I get older it gets a lot harder to ignore or dismiss and so I'm hoping to find some answers. Everyone says you find love when you aren't looking and when you're so truly happy with yourself that you don't need it. Well that's a circular problem in my mind because if you're truly happy with yourself then why bother even looking? If you're looking, then you must feel a need that means you aren't truly happy.
And as things are now, I don't have much hope, yet, if the conventional wisdom cited above is true, then I have to stop hoping to get to the point where I'll find hope. So I guess I'm asking how to ignore the proverbial 800 lb. gorilla in the room enough to fulfill my life. Right now I'm going through a big growth phase. That sounds ridiculous coming from someone my age, I realize, but I'm naive and used to being controlled by my parents. If I do something that isn't what they want, I'm wrong. If I make an opinion that runs contrary to what they believe, there is something wrong with me and I need to be sent to a shrink. If I see people they do not approve of, I'm ostracized. If I show an interest in sex or dating I'm greeted with silence or chastised or punished and made to apologize for it. If I do something other than how they want it, they do it for me their way. If someone else insults or physically hurts me or then I must somehow deserve it and should apologize to that person. I've never come out to my parents because I fear they will use it against me. It's too personal a thing to trust them with.
This sounds utterly bananas, but I didn't realize just how pervasive this was until just a year ago. I live in a small town, I have no friends here, my jobs have always been so menial that I can't live without financial assistance from my parents. I even live in my father's house because I can't afford the local rents. Now I'm trying to get out of it. I have a great counselor, many new friends I've made here, and am trying to make enough money to get out from under their financial thumb.
When you've had shadows for so much of your life, coming out of the cave doesn't mean you know how to live in the world outside of the cave. I literally have the romantic maturity of a 14 year old and it's very frustrating. I also don't have a big (or even average) dick, and I'm not attractive so realistically, my prospects for love (now that I'm thinking seriously about it) appear to be very slim.
So even if I don't ever find love, I want to be my own person, I want to get the hell out of Warwick, and I want to be happy, secure, and confident in myself enough not to waste the second half of my life because that's all I've got left (providence willing). I have to coldly evaluate my situation to see what I can or cannot accomplish and then find work-arounds for those things I cannot accomplish. That's much of what's behind this question. I don't deny that I've been a victim; whether of circumstance, my own poor judgment, or other people. I deny that I am one now. The only thing I can learn from the past is how to undo present maladaptions to behaviors I learned in circumstances that do not apply to the world outside of my parents and family.
I'm sorry if that last question is, as NJ (great avatar luv! Suits you perfect :tongue
says, "oddly worded," but the few times I
think I've been in love, haven't been reciprocated so they were all one-sided. Some people tell me that means I wasn't really in love at all, just infatuation or crush. Not knowing what it's like to be in love with someone who loves me, I can't say if they're right or not. Again, a situation I would guess many people here take for granted that I don't and so, if my questions sound like they mean something other than what they do because they can't possibly be so naive, then, ummm, well..... yeah they really are because I'm just that naive :biggrin1:.