Having issues

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by ostrich egg, Sep 6, 2007.

  1. ostrich egg

    ostrich egg Member

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    Hey guys, im going through a hella shitty time, and you all always seem to be able to inspire me. there are a lot of really great people here and i wanted to thank you for all the times you made me feel like i was worth something, maybe if you werent even talking to me im able to pull inspiration from other posts and apply it to myself this place is great and i love you all!

    So basicly, im just going to vent here, if anyne wants to take the time to respond, hooray!, if not i'll feel better just getting this out there. I have serious self esteem issues and may be on the fast track to depression, on all the self worth tests ive taken, i score about a 22%-25% out of 100% so im not too happy with myself. Ive tried getting past it on my own, and was doing swell until my girlfriend dumped me, just out of the blue, hit me like a fucking train. I actually cried myself to sleep that night. Ever since ive just felt like shit, like no one gives a damn. i just got to college, so i dont have any friends and so i have no one to lean on and am seriously considering therapy. but before anyone worries i am not suicidal, so i guess i could feel a lot worse. I just dunno what to do with myself and want to just crawl under a rock and go away for a while.

    Sorry to go on like this, but it has helped a little, thanks again LPSG for all your support in the past, and im glad i still have a safe haven, even if it is only on the internet
     
  2. SpoiledPrincess

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    For a start stop doing self worth quizzes.

    You got dumped, your natural response to that is to feel down, that's a proper response it's not depression, of course you're going to feel like shit till you get over it. You don't know what to do and you're probably thinking about her and why she did it a great deal of the time. Do you know why she dumped you? and how long ago did she dump you?
    I know it's really hard to do but you have to force yourself to get out and keep busy, while your mind is full of something else it can't be full of her. You don't have any friends, neither do a lot of people, join some clubs, force yourself to go out to a pub where at least you'll be mixing and giving yourself the chance to meet other people.
     
  3. ostrich egg

    ostrich egg Member

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    no no no id been having issues, but they were improving and then this happened and knocked me back on my ass.

    Besides, i came here to vent a little, im not looking for sympathy, and im certainly not looking for criticizm
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    I hadn't realised you were so young when I first answered this, at your age you're still finding your way in life, some of your issues are probably just a normal part of growing up, give yourself time :)
     
  5. ostrich egg

    ostrich egg Member

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    yeah, sorry i was snappy, i know u were trying to help
     
  6. avantgarde

    avantgarde New Member

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    yea man, don't worry about it. It could be a lot worse, trust me.

    I was there, however my self worth was for sh*t after my whole situation. It takes time and it's not until you really get over it before you can pick up the pieces and move on. If you just got to college, i can't express to you HOW MUCH it's important to get out and just be around your classmates and roommates. I never got the Dorm Experience and i liked it at first, but i realize now how much i missed out never staying in a dorm. Live college life to the fullest.

    BTW how's this for a blow to self-esteem. My girlfriend at the time cheated on me...repeatedly. I took her back repeatedly (because of my low self-esteem at the time). I blamed myself for it, i made it my fault. My family was in disarray at the time so that didn't help either. I've since bounced back, but i know how you feel.

    The reality is not everything is your fault. There's things you can change and things you can't. Don't carry that weight with you...You'll grow to the point where it'll be like "f*ck her" and you can move on. Just give it time.

    Speaking about self worth, you just have to come to realize every cloud has a silver lining, and conversely every silver lining has a cloud (learned that particular phrasing here LOL). Pretty much a "grass is greener" type of scenario. Every Plus has a minus that might not be immediately apparent to you at the time.
     
  7. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Hrm. I have many things I could say about this, I'm not sure where to start. For one, I agree with SP in that you are still young and trying to find your way in life. First things first. If you have self esteem issues, you aren't going to find anyone that's willing to stay with you. Anyone you DO find will probably have their own issues, and the relationship could easily end up being pretty toxic. People with issues are attracted to people with issues. Keep that in mind. For two, you can't depend on other people to make you happy or to make you feel good about who you are. Only YOU know what makes you happy, no one else does. Until you love yourself, no one is going to love you. For three, I think therapy is an amazing idea. But, I'll give you some tips that my therapist gave me when I was 17 and going through a similar ordeal. For one, you need to say positive things about yourself. Find things about yourself that you like, and keep reminding yourself about those things. Make a list, if you have to, and read it a few times a day. Sometimes you even have to make things up. Like... I never thought my face was real pretty, but at the same time, I knew it could be worse. So I decided to just start telling myself I was pretty. Eventually, you DO begin to believe it. If you find yourself thinking something negative about yourself, make a conscious effort to stop and find something positive to replace it. For example, "Wow, I'm overweight, who wants a fat chick? But hey, at least I'm an amazing friend and I don't have acne!" Something along those lines. Another thing he told me... find something to do that you're good at, and keep doing it. If you're good at fixing computers, do it. Put an ad up at school for computer repair and make a little extra cash fixing peoples computers. Accomplishing things helps people feel good about themselves. Exercise is good as well. It relieves stress. Make new friends. Join a club at school or something. Volunteer somewhere. Nursing homes are always looking for people to come visit those that don't have family. Stay single for a while, and focus on yourself for at least a year. Hope that helps. :smile:
     
  8. ostrich egg

    ostrich egg Member

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    thanks yall that has helped

    im going to take the thread down now
     
  9. IntoxicatingToxin

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    What? Why?!?

    I just spent 10 minutes spitting out this delightful words of wisdom for any poor lost soul who was suffering from self esteem issues, and you're going to delete them?
     
  10. ostrich egg

    ostrich egg Member

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    never mind then

    sorry that was inconsiderate
     
  11. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Thank you. :smile:

    I think it would be at least nice for other people to have a chance to read it and possibly give more advice. Or maybe someone else who has self esteem issues could read this and be inspired to do something different.
     
  12. ostrich egg

    ostrich egg Member

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    hehe yeah i guess your right
     
  13. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Get some therapy. Counseling. It really helped me, granted I have a personality disorder so it is much different for me. The therapy really helped ease my grief.
     
  14. kjguy

    kjguy Well-Known Member

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    You know what!? I feel like I am in the same state you are. I often wallow in self pity about how my life sucks all the time. I'm almost 20 years old and have nothing to show for it. No job, no car, no nothing. I don't have too many self-esteem issues anymore, because performing has really increased my confidence, but I feel like a loner and failure constantly. I'm not suicidal either, but I just want to run away from the world, and go someplace where I feel free no matter what. Like childhood; then everything was simple and wonderful! The best time of my life. Often, I just want to forget responsibility, relationships, and sex ever exist and go back to when I was most happy.
    I have a girlfriend right now, and I really love her, but I seriously don't know what's going to happen between us, and if I can see us married with children like she does. It's definitely something I want, but I'm not sure if she's the one. And I don't know if I even want to be in a relationship at all. I can't just break up with her either, and I really don't want to hurt her. Life is just sucking all the time, and I don't know what to do. At least I know there's someone I can relate to.
     
  15. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    I didn't even have a girlfriend until I was 20. Consider yourself lucky to have had one, and move on.
     
  16. biguy2738

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    First things first, let me warn you, I have a tendency to write encyclopedias. :eek: Groan! I also need to warn you that I think that I have an unconventional approach to life, so some of what I have to say may sound crazy, all that I ask is that you sit with what I have to say and allow it to fall like grains of sand on open hands, that you all the things that you may find helpful to settle on your palms and you allow the rest to fall gently to the floor.

    I can completely relate with how you are feeling right now because I spent quite a bit of my life with seriously low self esteem issues. For the last two months I've had to relearn old lessons because my self esteem got quite a beating. I hope that what I have to say may be of use to you.

    I agree with Spoiled Princess, those self esteem tests need to end. Each time that you take another one is like driving a nail into a block of wood. Eventually the nail will unremovable. What I am trying to say is that with each test you take, your self esteem is taking another beating. I don't think that you want to beat yourself completely to the ground. So give it a rest...you know that you suffer from low self esteem - you know enough. Your only focus ought to be "Where do I go to from here?"

    One thing that helped me big time (bear in mind that at one stage many years ago I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. My therapist wanted to put me on medication which I refused, so we compromised - I had a week to "self medicate" or else I'd be on anti-depressants.) My "self medication" was two fold: (1) I had to find things that I was good at doing, and do them as a way of affirming that I have gifts. (2) I had to try out things that I've always wanted to try i.e. try out new hobbies, do things for myself etc., as a way of affirming that I am capable of developing new gifts and that I am valuable enough to "treat" myself to new things/experiences. (I didn't end up on meds :smile:)

    Some unconventional advice/attitudes/approaches:

    We live in a "plastic surgery" world. Nowadays we base our lives and ourselves on a "plastic surgery" approach to our "issues". Just like a person may not be happy with their nose and ask for a nose job, or a boob job, a face lift etc. we too approach ourselves in the same way. We find things about ourselves or even the emotions that we experience and we want to have them removed. The problem is once everything has been taken away, how much of our true selves are left behind? Is any of me left behind at all? What we often forget is that "bad" things can be used to bring about good and this truth is echoed by the paradox of life. It was posted that every cloud has a silver lining, and I will venture to say that the same applies to people as well. The biggest issue revolves not on our bad qualities or attributes, but what we choose to do with it? Eg, often times I've heard people say, "Stop being so quick to get angry, it really isn't good." I wonder where countries would be today if activists like Nelson Mandela didn't allow themselves to be angry, and to use it in a constructive manner?

    Our emotional invitation to spend a while with ourselves: You've mentioned that you are on the road to depression and contrary to what a lot of people believe, I think that it's a good thing - depending on how you choose to deal with it. You can either allow it to consume you, to make you shut down and die internally, or you can allow it to be an invitation to take stock of your life. Depression slows us down. This period of painful pause in our lives provides us with the opportunity to sit and look at ourselves and allow our inner reality to talk to us. I know that on my side, most times when I'm depressed it's brought on by suppressed anger. So I sit and allow myself to be angry. And not with my mind. I don't think my anger, I feel my anger and then I affirm it - just because our emotions make us feel bad, it doesn't mean that they are bad emotions. The uncomfortable emotions are critical for our growth because they let us know that we are in a state of dis-ease. I close my eyes and acknowledge that I am angry and then I allow it to surface. As it surfaces, I acknowledge how I am feeling: "I am angry. I am so angry. I am livid. I am seething etc." One I've gone through that process, I ask myself, "now, why am I so angry?" 99% of the time it's because I've been hurt. Acknowledging that hurt brings about healing (once again by allowing myself to feel it). I find this to be more constructive than to mull over the event and leave it at that because at heart, it's still unresolved. You may be wondering why I have drifted off from the topic of self esteem issues and my answer is simple. Firstly, this approach will help you deal with the emotional side of how your low self esteem impacts you. Secondly, having low self esteem means that most times when we are hurt or even angry we are either too scared to express how we feel or we do so aggressively. This approach enabled me to resolve my feelings without actually having to express them to the person responsible. With time you will find that it will able express it out loud.

    Different drums + different drummers = differing realities: It's helpful to remind yourself that we are all different and we have different views of the world. I experience myself differently to the way those around me experience me (and each person's experience of me will vary). What all of this means, is that if I were to be told, "biguy, you're a pig". Just because someone has told me that, in no way does it mean that I really am. I don't automatically drop on all fours, grow a tail and a snout. Someone thinks that I am a pig but it doesn't mean that I am. It doesn't mean that I am able to brush that comment aside, but it's calls me to evaluate myself and that comment critically. Just because someone says something good/bad, it doesn't make it the absolute truth. If you know yourself, you will know your truth...and that my friend, is enough.

    Roleplay: I've learnt that it's so easy to get caught up in our roles. It's so easy to base our identities on being the boyfriend, wife, teacher, doctor etc. Take away the role and then it becomes a case of "who am I?" because the role that I've been playing has been taken away. This is one area of my marriage that my wife finds difficult to accept because I constantly tell her to live her life as if she wasn't married in the sense of: Go out, make new friends, try new things, don't allow our marriage to restrict your future growth and development etc. It doesn't mean that one need treat the marriage with disregard or disrespect, but it's wise to remember that there is a person behind the role and that person needs to be fed. My approach within my marriage is for both of us to live it out in a manner where should either of us die, the other person's life is able to move on. That it won't be a case of "Who am I? What do I do now that I'm alone? How do I decide what's in my best interests?" and that there won't be any regrets of opportunities of growth and development that have been passed by because of being married. I am male. I am bisexual. I am married etc. are truths of who I am but they aren't the only parts of my identity.

    The biggest Hollywood lie: Jerry McGuire's "You complete me" is the biggest load of cow dung that I have ever heard. Yes, it sounds profoundly beautiful, but it's a sugar coated lie. When it comes to people and interpersonal relationships, two halves can never, ever make a whole. Only I can complete myself. Only I am able to bring myself a sense of healing, self esteem and confidence. Some people may see a need to date the hottest guy or girl on the block in order to give them a sense of having self esteem, but what happens once they break up? You cannot rely on anyone but yourself to complete the areas within yourself where you may feel lacking or broken or in need of growth. You alone know what you need, and you alone are able to discover what you need to do in order to fulfill those needs.
     
  17. biguy2738

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    Some practical ways of building up a healthy self esteem:
    Here are some other things that have helped me along the way and I hope that they will help you as much as they have helped me.

    (1) Identify others in need and help them: It doesn't have to be earth shattering. Revive chivalry and open a door for ladies and stand up and give them your seat. Help an old lady cross the road. The point is that when we help others, we always feel good about ourselves. I think that part of this lies in the fact that we have affirmed our humanity and our ability to bring good to this world - we are all able to make a difference to the lives of others.

    (2) Try to deal with people by name: When you're at the department store, a hospital etc. if you see someone wearing a name tag, speak to them by name....and even if you aren't dealing with them, greet them by name. By doing so you are acknowledging the person behind the service being offered - they aren't just another cog in the machine. At heart, you will have acknowledged their presence on this earth and not only will you learn to acknowledge your own presence, but they in turn will respond by acknowledging yours.

    (3) Base your life on building others up: It's so easy to break people down - just look around you. How many times do we criticise, mock etc. compared with the amount of times we compliment? Why is it so difficult to compliment others? It doesn't have to be anything huge, but it does have to be sincere. "Your hair looks great. You did a marvellous job. I appreciate your friendly assistance." The way that we relate with ourselves affects the way that we relate with others, and conversely, the way that we relate with others affects the way that we relate with ourselves. If you get into the habit of looking for the good (regardless of how miniscule it may be) and honor it in those around you, you will find that you will automatically learn to treat yourself in the same manner.

    (4) Evaluate. Evaluate. Evaluate. I've found it helpful to evaluate the failure, disappoints and mistakes that I've made etc. with the perspective of "What good things can I learn from this experience?" Failure doesn't have to end with failure, the same rings true with heartache etc. All of these experiences provide a platform where we are able to grow, learn and achieve even more than before. Affirmation breeds optimism. Affirming the good in bad experiences leads us to the realisation that we are able to make the best of the worst situation, that optimism breeds power and that next time round, I am able to do a better job. Today, I am the best person that I can be but tomorrow I'd like to be even more.

    There is only one person in this world like you...and it's you. You are a gift to this world and as you unwrap layer upon layer of giftwrap, you may be astounded by the beauty, wonder and splendour that rests deep within. Don't forget: Love is like a rose, but true love is found through many, many thorns. May the thorns never lead you to hold back from the beauty of the rose. Wishing you all of the very best!
     
  18. Dave NoCal

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    Lots of good advice here. I'll just add that virtually all colleges in the U.S. have counseling services available free of charge. It's not unusual for young people away from home the first time to have some struggles with the adjustment to loss of familiarity and, maybe, suddenly available new freedoms. If this is beginning to interfere with your studies I suggest you check out the counseling center. Often even several sessions can help you turn things around and find new approaches.
     
  19. Shelby

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    It'll get better dude. Hang in there.
     
  20. ostrich egg

    ostrich egg Member

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    Wow Biguy2738 thats deep, thanks a lot everyone for all the wonderful advice, i knew i could count on you all
     
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