Having to choose. [Warning: Ridiculously long post.]

sizequeenNY

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Yep, because plenty of people don't meet partners on the internet. After a while they aren't a stranger.

How can you assume you can't develop a rapport with someone without eye contact?

Also, you may have read something incorrectly. :rolleyes:



Phone calls let you hear a person's voice/their inflection when speaking.

Yes, people meet strangers all the time on the internet but as I said, dragging it out as long as flightrisk did is odd. She also invited safepuppy in her home for ten days when meeting him, she has a child in her home

When speaking on the phone compared to in person, you will never get the same scope of true inflection

When people drag out an online relationship, they develop expectations even if they don't try to

To be frank, I could have written in much more depth but my patience and insomnia are causing me to have a short attention span. I am also aware that my curt tone is going to be met with pushback but she needs to hear direct

There are many healthy ways of meeting people online. Have a chat, test the waters, speak on the phone, meet. If correspondence drags on, that is when the expectations develop and that common form of modern networking goes from healthy to unhealthy
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Not an easy situation at all.
I think it's time to get real with safepuppy, and have an open and honest discussion with him. He doesn't seem to be showing a great deal of maturity and desire to better himself. - this is probably due to his parents spoiling him and fulfilling his needs/desires. He's not that much younger than you, yet it seems like there are 2 kids in the home.
Let him know you're unhappy and the reasons, and that something needs to change.

This is 100% true. His mother even apologized to me for it.


Your attachment to Internet strangers is disturbing. How can you assume you would develop a rapport someone without eye contact or hearing their inflection when speaking. While they are part of the problem, so are you and you need to hear it directly instead of coddling in this thread

I don't really have an "attachment" to "internet strangers" as you put it. I have lots of real life friends, a handful of which I have known for 10+ years. I have also gotten some advice from them in regards to this. I've had boyfriends that I met outside the internet. I'm also still friends with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting people online. Especially seeing as how I wasn't even trying. :rolleyes:

Flightrisk is a fantasy, the guy who says the right things and makes you feel good. It's escapism like many fantasies, which can be fun as long as you know it is not real. Many people have online friendships but it is clearly an online discussion not more. You should also understand men- if they actually want something, they will do what they could to bring it to fruition. Your role with flightrisk is stroking his ego
Truth.

Poor safepuppy, even his name is condescending. First of all, what are you thinking to invite a stranger into your home with your child? Seriously, tough love here- what the fuck is wrong with you to invite a STRANGER into your home with your MINOR CHILD. From my first comment about it being disturbing that you develop attachments to Internet strangers- you are clearly a lonely person and I feel bad for your but to put your child at risk that way is terrible.
I didn't intend for SafePuppy's name to be condescending, it's just how I see him. I don't think it's wrong to be safe nor do I think it's wrong to be sweet, loyal, and innocent like a puppy. I should have re-worded, I suppose, the situation about SafePuppy visiting me. He stayed in a hotel for... lemme think... I think it was the first 3 times that he came to visit. Which was every 2-3 months. He didn't STAY with me, but he did come up here to BE with me. Meet me, etcetera. He did meet my son during that first visit but I never let him stay the night. I am not a bad mother nor do I have an attachment to internet strangers.

Your safepuppy does not sound like he has Aspbergers at all. For someone to move their entire life easily means he probably was not leaving much. So what if he has family, he is obviously not moved to try at the moment. He is also probably depressed about uprooting his life at that age to live with a single mother(no offense here I know a lot of single mothers but it takes an amazing man, not a boy to be ready for that) to a city where he has zero connection besides some minimum wage gig. You are also using him as a vessel for your co dependency which is not fair to him either
Really? He sounds exactly like someone with Aspberger's to me. I've had a couple friends with Asberger's and they have certain personality traits that are strikingly similar. Hell, it was one of them that actually came to me and brought it up. Lol. I've worried about him being upset that he moved, I know he misses his friends but we can't really afford for him to go back and visit. (He's gone back twice since he moved here, but it's been a while now.) I outright asked him a few weeks ago if he'd move back if given the opportunity, and his response was a resounding "no". He basically said, I miss my friends and family but fuck Texas. He does want to go visit again, however. I'm also sure that his inability to find work is affecting his mood, and probably his motivation.

My assessment- end things with safepuppy, stop corresponding with flightrisk, go to therapy because everyone needs therapy, work on your attachment issues, stop exposing your child to adults unless they will be a long term part of your life, when you are comfortable with yourself look in your area for someone
I'm pretty sure, given this weekends events, that FlightRisk and I are no longer corresponding. That ship has sailed. Or well... that ship is at least drifting away from the dock. I'm not 100% sure if it's gone yet. SafePuppy and I have been together for 2.5 years, that's pretty long term. He was introduced to my son as a friend, and there was no kissing, hand-holding, etcetera going on in front of him at first. I've tried to learn from the mistakes my mother has made. Also, SafePuppy and I were together for a solid year before he moved in, and I always discuss these things with my son to find out how he's feeling about a situation, which is again something I learned from my mothers mistakes. She even got married a time or two without asking how I felt about it! Not cool. (She was lucky that I didn't mind, but it still would have been nice to ask me.)

There are many healthy ways of meeting people online. Have a chat, test the waters, speak on the phone, meet. If correspondence drags on, that is when the expectations develop and that common form of modern networking goes from healthy to unhealthy
This is basically what happened between SafePuppy and I. We met, corresponded, spoke on the phone, even did video chatting via Skype. That, of course, is NOT what happened with FlightRisk. We haven't met. That's partially because our contact was so off and on. I feel confident that if we had been in contact the entirety of the last five years that we would have met by now.
 
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Daisy

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I agree with everything SizeQueen said, though I would've been much more diplomatic about it :)

I think you know in your heart of hearts what you need to do. The situation is not healthy for you or your child. You should really end the relationship and let SP go home. Once he's been home for a month or two assess how you both feel. See if he is able to find a job and if he is happier at home. I think letting go is much harder than actually being apart. If your relationship is actually solid then maybe you could get back together with a new understanding, but he's obviously not going to do anything with his life as long as he has you as an enabler. It's not good for you. You're in a good position because you have a job and you can support yourself. You need to let him go home for a while and save up your money (you should have a nest egg anyway- please read Suze Ormand's book). Then you won't be in the circle of dependence. The number one reason you need to get some distance between you and SP is because he is not bonding with your child. I waited 7 months before I introduced my BF to my children, and even at that things went slowly but they always felt comfortable with him, and he would always be really involved with them (baking, playing games etc) because he wanted to bond with them. I feel sorry for a child who has to spend the day with a supposedly grown man who just ignores him. What messages do you think that sends to him? You really owe it to him to find a man who understands that you are a package deal and that love has to be shared not just with you but with him and I'm frankly surprised you're OK with living with a man who doesnt feel any love for the child. I would never tolerate that. If my BF had not treated my kids like they were important I'd have ended it.

As far as FR well, come on! LOL..you know this is a fantasy and while I really understand why it would be an appealing escape you know it is not the least bit reality based. What kind of man tells a single mother he LOVES her and then disappears. He is manipulating you. It's highly likely that he's looking for ego stroking and has several girls he does this to.

I think you know what you need to do. The question is..will you do the right thng?
 

Drifterwood

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Good luck. I know you are a compassionate person, you just have this itch for bad boys and you probably always will, but you can't make SP something that he is not. I appreciate that what you want for yourself conflicts with what you need for your family.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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I think people are getting the wrong idea about SP and my son. They do things together. They get along. My son is comfortable around him and they don't fight or anything. The issue is more that I don't think SP has any idea how he's supposed to act or be around my son. He sort of acts like a friend, sort of like a big brother, and sort of like moms boyfriend. I was hoping that over time, he would develop a son-like love for my kid and treat him like his own but it hasn't happened yet. SP is aware of my feelings on the situation and makes attempts at bonding with my son but it's sort of awkward and doesn't really bring them any closer together. My son likes SP but he doesn't love him like a father, however he has indicated that he would be sad if (name removed) moved back to Texas.

Drifter, you are right.
 
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sizequeenNY

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Oh jeez, you quote Hitler, missed that yesterday since your post was so long. Do you also fly a Confederate flag? Your situation surprises me less now
 

petite

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Oh jeez, you quote Hitler, missed that yesterday since your post was so long. Do you also fly a Confederate flag? Your situation surprises me less now

I didn't interpret it like that at all. I don't think she's endorsing his beliefs. I think she's reminding us of how people like Hitler think. Isn't that worth considering? Our political climate now concerns me, especially when I read the polls.
 
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rbkwp

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Oh jeez, you quote Hitler, missed that yesterday since your post was so long. Do you also fly a Confederate flag? Your situation surprises me less now


Classical eg of not appreciating the whole, situation remains the same huh?
damn annoying & ignorant.
 

Countryguy63

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Oh jeez, you quote Hitler, missed that yesterday since your post was so long. Do you also fly a Confederate flag? Your situation surprises me less now

Are you trying to actually help, or just criticize? You started out claiming "tough love", but have now moved on to just insulting :mad:
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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I find it rather entertaining. The statement is true in general, regardless of who said it. I think his quote is exactly the reason the holocaust happened to begin with. People weren't thinking for themselves, they were following their leader. That quote, to me, is just a reminder that we need to self-educate, be informed and come up with our own thoughts and ideas instead of just agreeing with those that are 'above' us.
 

Countryguy63

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I find it rather entertaining. The statement is true in general, regardless of who said it. I think his quote is exactly the reason the holocaust happened to begin with. People weren't thinking for themselves, they were following their leader. That quote, to me, is just a reminder that we need to self-educate, be informed and come up with our own thoughts and ideas instead of just agreeing with those that are 'above' us.

Exactly True!!

Back on Topic, I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like either are going to be something very good for you :frown1:
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Enid

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Geez. I like her Hitler quote, because it does reinforce questioning authority and whatnot.

And Ms. Toxin, I like what Seaside said. Break things off with SP, and let him move back to HTX. Let him exist on his own. He sounds too passive for ya strong self. You need a nest egg anyway and though I think it's highly admirable you chose to take on his bills, you need to focus on you & your son for now. I know....I know you want to give it a chance. But give it a chance from a distance, that just seems healthiest and best to me.
 

Daisy

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The thing is youve taken away his incentive to get a job and stand on his own two feet because he doesnt have to. That pretty much shows you that left to his own devices he will not get a job/clean up/be responsible. He needs you to mother him. I still say let him go home and reflect. If the relationship is really meant to be he'll get a job, save some money and come back on HIS OWN DIME..not yours..
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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I think I've decided to give him a time limit. He'll have such-and-such amount of time (I haven't decided what yet) to get a job or he needs to go back to Texas. I also want to see a bigger effort on cleaning around the house. The thing is, he'll do whatever I ask him to, but I don't like having to make a chore list every morning for my 27 year old boyfriend. I shouldn't have to do that. :/ The house is dirty, clean it. Common sense. I'm also going to have a talk with him about my son. I've done this before but I guess I need to make myself clearer or something. Meh. We'll see.
 

NotSoDumb_Blonde

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okay, whew, went through all the posts in your thread to see how you progressed with the advice (and insults) and I think what you said earlier on, something like, "I need to sit down and have a chat with SP" is what you're going to end up doing. Is that bad? I don't think so.

Here's the deal. (IMO) When people are in a relationship, shifting has to occur. You give some, he gives some. Sometimes, one person shifts more, the other less. It depends on the relationship, I guess. But, if you love him, and want to see if there isn't a chance for some shifting to occur, why not talk to him about what is bothering you? See if he can shift a little. Maybe he has no clue how much it irritates you that you work all day and come home to a dirty house? lol. Seems obvious but sometimes it's not. ;)

Now, as to FR...I think you need to cut that tie. If you've not already with this thread -- and by the way, very brave of you to post this here! -- you need to make a clean break. I've had something similar but not quite so involved, happen on here. I think it's only natural to feel close to someone and flirty with them. But...when they disappear like that, well, that's not cool. It means you are meaningless. I forget who said it, but how hard is it to email someone? Not that hard. Not at all.

Anyway, sorry to hear you had to learn this lesson on the flight risks out there, but I hope you work things out with SP. :) I'm a sap for happy endings though. The time limit and maybe making clear how important this is to you, sounds like a plan.

good luck