Having to choose. [Warning: Ridiculously long post.]

watchwatcher7

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You are a strong, independent, black woman that don't need no man! *Z snaps*

He obviously has Aspbergers if he said "Fuck Texas." Oh the horror!

But on a serious note, I think you should send SP back to HoTex, and you should stay single for a while to get yourself together. In my opinion, you should focus on you and your son for right now. Cancel the WoW membership, because we know that isn't doing any good(I would know), move out of your Father's house, be independent, and maybe play the local dating field in a few months. In all the free time that you'll have without WoW, you can spend time with your son, spend time on yourself, maybe write a book...the possibilities are endless! You could maybe go onto higher education in that free time and get a better paying job. A world full of opportunity! I wish you the best!

I'll leave you with a sort of relevant quote from Oscar Wilde
"You can never be overdressed or overeducated"
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Woot, horde ftw!:wink:

Of course! :biggrin:

You are a strong, independent, black woman that don't need no man! *Z snaps*

He obviously has Aspbergers if he said "Fuck Texas." Oh the horror!

But on a serious note, I think you should send SP back to HoTex, and you should stay single for a while to get yourself together. In my opinion, you should focus on you and your son for right now. Cancel the WoW membership, because we know that isn't doing any good(I would know), move out of your Father's house, be independent, and maybe play the local dating field in a few months. In all the free time that you'll have without WoW, you can spend time with your son, spend time on yourself, maybe write a book...the possibilities are endless! You could maybe go onto higher education in that free time and get a better paying job. A world full of opportunity! I wish you the best!

I'll leave you with a sort of relevant quote from Oscar Wilde
"You can never be overdressed or overeducated"

I don't really play WoW right now. Neither of us do. But thanks to the yearly pass we signed up for back in October of 2011, we have to pay for it until October of 2012. :x

We had a bit of a talk last night. More talking needs to be done, but for the most part we've decided this much.

We do still love each other.
The distancing that has been occurring in our relationship is mostly due to the stress we are both under financially.
My son and I need to get the fook out of this shitty apartment I'm living in with my father and if he doesn't find a job in the next month or so, I will stop paying his bills to make it happen.
He does not want to move back to Texas, but he's sad that it's been so long since he visited.
He does care for my son, he just isn't sure what my son wants him to be (step-dad, friend, etc) so he sort of holds back because he doesn't know what to do.
He's feeling really defeated lately because he's been looking for permanent work since he moved up here and still hasn't had any luck.

Back to his suspected Aspergers. He really does have a lot of the traits of a person with Aspergers.


  • Lack of demonstrated empathy.
  • A lack of social and emotional reciprocity.
  • Almost no eye contact.
  • Engages in one-sided, long-winded speeches about a favorite topic without being able to judge people's reactions and missing the social cues that states a person is tired of hearing about it or needs to go.
  • Moves in stereotyped and repetitive ways. It's almost creepy how he does the exact same things in the same order in the same way every time we get ready to leave the house, or when he takes a shower.
  • Preoccupied with parts of objects (He collects Transformers and loves "playing" with and transforming them.)
  • Interprets speech literally, miscomprehends nuance.
  • Unusually sensitive to light.
  • OCD

I'm sure there's more. That's the major things, all of which are symptoms of AS. Individually, I don't think any of them symptoms indicate anything, but together, they create the epitome of someone with AS. It's never bothered me, and I think some of his quirks are actually kinda cute and endearing. The lack of demonstrated empathy can be annoying at times, but since I know that's how he is, it's okay. He doesn't NOT care, he just doesn't always know how to show that he cares either.
 

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Meg Meg Meg...really? If you know this...and it sounds like you're right. WHY are you chosing this as a life partner? You don't have the resources to take care of him. I've heard of guys with Aspergers becoming very successful because they go to college and get an engineering degree and specialist in some technology and thats all good but you're guy is looking at, what Blockbuster? and still can't get a job? and you think he's going to keep a job? I know that us telling you this stuff will have zero impact and you'll stay with him anyway and then we'll talk to you in a year and you'll say stuff like "yeah I know". I hate to see you drain another year's worth of time, energy and financial resources and then come to the conclusion that this wasn't what was best for you. You want to save this guy, and he's safe, and you know he likely wont cheat on you, and you are probably sick of dating and dont want to have to go out there and find another man. Those arent good enough reasons to align yourself with a man who is only going to drag you down with him. I am in no way saying that Aspergers people aren't worth dating because I think frankly everybody floats near or in with the autistic spectrum, but I'm saying that THIS man is not in a place where he can thrive and flourish on his own. He needs a lot more education and maybe some kind of therapy to deal with the general public and that all requires insurance and benefits that he doesnt have. So my advice is still to send him home, let him work on his issues and if the relationship is meant to be it will be.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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He has a degree in drafting and engineering design. He was making $19 an hour at his job in Texas before he moved up here. We thought he could find a new job fairly quickly and easily given his experience and education. That hasn't happened. He has given up on applying solely for drafting jobs and is now applying for anything he thinks he can do. I think his social awkwardness is keeping him from getting jobs, he doesn't interview well.
 

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also..I have to say this because it's the elephant in the room. If this guy is so wonderful why the hell are you talking to, obsessing over and fantasizing about FlightRisk?? I really wish you'd take a moment and really do some soul searching and examine this. We will come up with hundreds of reasons to end this and just be single for awhile but I'm pretty sure you'll have an answer for everything thrown at you. You don't need to defend him or decide if he's good or bad. You need to decide if he's the right man for you, and I think you know that at least right now..he's not
 

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If this guy is so wonderful why the hell are you talking to, obsessing over and fantasizing about FlightRisk?? I really wish you'd take a moment and really do some soul searching and examine this.

I agree with almost everything that you've said, but I don't think this question reveals much.

I think everyone in a relationship can easily imagine someone better than their mate and that being able to do so doesn't mean that you should end your current relationship. It's because fantasy men are perfect but reality is harsh. Everyone is imperfect. In reality, relationships are tough even with a dream man, and no matter how great a guy is, you can imagine a better one.

I have friends who have never been in a stable happy relationship because they believe that feeling flighty or imagining something better means that their current relationship is too unsatisfactory to continue. They wonder why they can't find happiness.

There was a movie made about a man who does that. It's called High Fidelity. I've known lots of Rob Gordons, both male and female.

Regarding giving him a time limit or sending him back to Texas, I'm not going to push one or the other. If she feels like she wants to give this relationship another chance, maybe she should. I've felt the regret of ending a relationship that I later felt that I should have tried to repair. It was my first. It's the reason why I gave all the subsequent relationships more chances that maybe I should have. I didn't want to feel that regret again. It has been a heavy burden for me to bear. I will never forget that mistake.

The fact is that none of us know what's going to happen any time we make a decision like this. We don't have the power to predict the future. We're just rolling the dice.

He could change. He could find a drafting job and they could move out and have a better life together. We don't really know. The economy is really tough right now. Maybe he won't and things will get worse and then she'll feel like ending the relationship won't leave her wondering if she made a mistake. She has to use her own instincts as her guide.
 
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MickeyLee

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how in the fuck do you post so much shit about someone you love? ya don't even respect this man. ya are willing to throw him under a public opinion bus to distance your self from taking responsibility for what you've done.

to folks responding to this thread.. please remember we only have one side of this story.

while the OP has gone through great pains to detail every misstep and perceived wrong in both men, she's mentioned almost nothing of her responsibility for current affairs. other than being "too nice" :rolleyes:

isn't it against the rules to reveal personal details about other members? even with permission? i recall numbers and real names removed by Mods even with the information was posted at the request of someone.

:irked:
 
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IntoxicatingToxin

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also..I have to say this because it's the elephant in the room. If this guy is so wonderful why the hell are you talking to, obsessing over and fantasizing about FlightRisk?? I really wish you'd take a moment and really do some soul searching and examine this. We will come up with hundreds of reasons to end this and just be single for awhile but I'm pretty sure you'll have an answer for everything thrown at you. You don't need to defend him or decide if he's good or bad. You need to decide if he's the right man for you, and I think you know that at least right now..he's not

I'm no longer talking to FlightRisk. We haven't spoken since last Thursday and haven't texted since Saturday. I've told him that my boyfriend is a good man and I can't hurt him in this way. Having said that, the reason I was even 'able' to get that involved with FlightRisk in the first place is because SP and I have been... disenchanted with each other the past few months. We still got along, we weren't arguing or anything, we just sort of started acting more like roommates. We talked about it last night and attributed it mostly to stress. Our living situation is less than ideal, as is our financial situation. It's impacting everyone involved, not just he and I. I still love him, and he IS truly a good guy. Our relationship was fabulous and perfect in every way up until a few months ago. It hasn't gotten so bad that I want to leave. I was, however, vulnerable enough for a time to allow myself to get carried away with someone that has always given me warm fuzzies and heart flutters.

*snip*
Regarding giving him a time limit or sending him back to Texas, I'm not going to push one or the other. If she feels like she wants to give this relationship another chance, maybe she should. I've felt the regret of ending a relationship that I later felt that I should have tried to repair. It was my first. It's the reason why I gave all the subsequent relationships more chances that maybe I should have. I didn't want to feel that regret again. It has been a heavy burden for me to bear. I will never forget that mistake.

The fact is that none of us know what's going to happen any time we make a decision like this. We don't have the power to predict the future. We're just rolling the dice.

He could change. He could find a drafting job and they could move out and have a better life together. We don't really know. The economy is really tough right now. Maybe he won't and things will get worse and then she'll feel like ending the relationship won't leave her wondering if she made a mistake. She has to use her own instincts as her guide.

Ultimately, this is the first time in our relationship that either of us have been unhappy. Do we end it now because we are going through a rough patch? Personally I think we can work through this, and I would like to try. No regrets. I've never regretted anything in my life and I don't want to start now. I'm not comfortable ending the relationship without knowing that we both did everything we could.

how in the fuck do you post so much shit about someone you love? ya don't even respect this man. ya are willing to throw him under a public opinion bus to distance your self from taking responsibility for what you've done.

to folks responding to this thread.. please remember we only have one side of this story.

while the OP has gone through great pains to detail every misstep and perceived wrong in both men, she's mentioned almost nothing of her responsibility for current affairs. other than being "too nice" :rolleyes:

isn't it against the rules to reveal personal details about other members? even with permission? i recall numbers and real names removed by Mods even with the information was posted at the request of someone.

:irked:

I haven't posted any "shit" about the man that I love, I've posted my perception of what's going on in our relationship. I've stated what I can only consider to be facts about his personality and how he was raised, and how that impacted who he is as a person. I've never said he was a bad person or that he wasn't worth dating or anything else along those lines. In fact, in my original post, I said some very great things about him.

I've also never claimed that I was too nice. I'm not sure how you can quote something that I never said.

Now to quote you... "...to distance your self from taking responsibility for what you've done." What have I done? Lol. That comment almost makes you sound like you know something that I don't know. :confused: The best I can offer is that I had an emotional affair on my boyfriend that lasted all of 7 days, which is wrong and I feel terrible about it every day which is why it's now over. If I haven't already implied this, then I'll just say it outright now - the fact that SP isn't providing financially for the household, and the fact that I am the sole bearer of funds, has made me a little resentful. That resent has caused me to not want to be as close or intimate with him. Again, we don't argue, we get along well, things have been "fine" on the surface. I discussed this with him last night as well so he knows my feelings on the subject and he knows why I haven't been as kissy-huggy as I usually am.

Aside from those two things, I'm not sure that I've done anything really "wrong". I didn't ask SP to move here, he did it on his own accord. I encourage him to go back and visit his family and friends often because I don't want him to regret his decision or start to resent ME. I created his resume for him and had it looked at by a couple semi-professional people I know so that I have some confidence that it's a decent resume. I've applied for numerous jobs for him when I come across some that I think might work for him, I've been networking a bit on Facebook with friends to keep their eyes out for positions he might be qualified for, I'm doing about as much as I can for him in that regard. I've done nothing but support him since he's moved in here with me. I rearranged my entire tiny bedroom and even got rid of some of my own belongings to help create space for him so he could be comfortable here. I've tried to get him hooked up with as many friends of mine as I can that I think he'd have shared interests with so he doesn't feel so alone. I'm a good person, and if you ask him he'll tell you I'm a good girlfriend too. Our relationship has been really solid until recently, I think it's normal for relationships to have their problems.

What personal information have I posted? There was a point where I accidentally put SP's name instead of SP, but I couldn't edit the post on my phone, I tried. Considering I used to have an entire album of naked pictures of just him that he gave me permission to post, I don't think he would mind his name in one post. If you are talking about FlightRisk, then again, what personal information have I posted other than the fleeting emotional affair that I had with him? I haven't posted his name, username, number, location, etcetera. If I have crossed a line then I do wish the moderators would let me know, but given my interpretation of the TOS, I think I'm within the boundaries. I'm capable of being wrong, though, it certainly wouldn't be the first time. :smile:
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Publication of the personally identifiable information of individuals without their consent - This means real names, contact details, addresses, dates of birth, place of business and so on, and includes the distribution of such information via the forum, chat room, private message, instant chat message and linking to the information being held elsewhere via this site. Should you wish to post your own address and/or contact numbers, we request that you ask members to get in touch privately to request this information.
For the record, this is the section of the TOS as it relates to revealing personal information about other members. Again, the only thing I did was state my boyfriends name but I've done it before and it wasn't an issue then, not that it doesn't mean something now. I guess he is technically a member of this site but he hasn't logged on in... *checks*... a year and a half.
 
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MickeyLee

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ya whole response to me can be boiled down to "not my fault"

since SP isn't commenting... here is how his life looks from the outside.

i left my entire life behind to be with this woman i loved. things didn't turn out like i though they would. we're live in a small, hot box apartment with my lady, her kid and her father. i can't find a job. i look, and i've applied.. i admit to feeling defeated.

money wise, things are bad. i don't have unemployment anymore. she's paying my bills. i know she resents me, i feel like a burden. i feel like i am letting her down.

her kid, i don't know. i love the little dude, i really dude. but i feel like i might be pushing too hard. my girlfriend wishes we had a stronger father/son type relationship... i just don't know how to do it.

and for the last year or so* this women, the one i moved for, has been giving more of her attention, time, emotions to random dudes on the intorwebz.

i love her. i don't want to lose her. i'm just lost.


*not the 7 days you own, you've been posting threads about crushes and online relationships for a long while now. post history doesn't lie*

as for personal information, you've post photos of his face, you've posted his name. his educational background, his family history, his financial particulars and diagnosed him as Aspie.

not even getting into ya trash talking/harassment attempts of FantasyFred. :irked:

seriously, you don't see any of this?
other folks are probably thinking that exact same thing i am. i'm just dysfunctional enough to say it. ya made sure everyone know your former ID, so you could count on friends and folks to handle you with kids gloves.
 
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IntoxicatingToxin

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ya whole response to me can be boiled down to "not my fault"

since SP isn't commenting... here is how his life looks from the outside.

i left my entire life behind to be with this woman i loved. i know live in a small, hot box apartment with my lady, her kid and her father. i can't find a job. i look, and i've applied.. i admit to feeling defeated.

money wise, things are bad. i don't have unemployment anymore. she's paying my bills. i know she resents me, i feel like a burden. i feel like i am letting her down.

her kid, i don't know. i love the little dude, i really dude. but i feel like i might be pushing too hard. my girlfriend wishes we had a stronger father/son type relationship... i just don't know how to do it.

and for the last year or so* this women, the one i moved for, has been giving more of her attention, time, emotions to random dudes on the intorwebz.

i love her. i don't want to lose her. i'm just lost.

That's exactly how I think he feels, almost to a T. Aside from the part about giving my attention, time, and emotions to random dudes on the intorwebz. I haven't done that except for these past 7 days. But thank you, you explained that rather nicely.

*not the 7 days you own, you've been posting threads about crushes and online relationships for a long while now. post history doesn't lie*
Without particulars I can't comment specifically. The only person I've actually had a true CRUSH on is FlightRisk. I made a post once about how SP's best friend and I were becoming fast friends and it was pretty awesome, a lot of people took that to mean that I have a crush on him but I never have and currently don't. He's like a brother to me. Other than that, the only posts I can recall making about having crushes on people are celebrities, and that's sort of a different thing. Lol. I adore Morrissey, but if he popped up at my front door and asked me to marry him, I would say no.


as for personal information, you've post photos of his face, you've posted his name. his educational background, his family history, his financial particulars and diagnosed him as Aspie.

seriously, you don't see any of this?
The information isn't really personally identifiable. Okay yes, his first name. The pictures have been posted with his permission (which I can get posted on this thread if you really want me to) and even his own avatar is a picture of his face. Having stated that he has a degree in Drafting isn't really personally identifiable. Lots of people have degrees in that, you can't know who he is based on that information alone. I never stated what school he went to or when he graduated, etcetera. I haven't said hardly anything about his family history or finances other than he's broke but has good credit, again, not personally identifiable. I haven't diagnosed him as an Aspie, if I had the qualifications to do that, I probably wouldn't be as financially burdened as I am currently. I would never venture so far as to release last names, middle names, addresses, schools, family members names, birthdates, etcetera. THAT, to me, is personally identifiable.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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*shrug* self examination/indexing is a powerful thing. but heaps less fun than self deluding.

So that's the only option then, that I'm self-deluding? It couldn't possibly be a difference in beliefs or perception? Your way or the highway?
 

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I agree with ALMOST everything that has been brought up in the recent posts, and truly hope that you will step back enough to look at it as impersonal as you possibly can. Sometimes when we are genuinely trying to wade through all the emotions, and come up with the best solution, our views on our actions can be unintentionally jaded :frown1:

We've spoken just a couple of times, but I have followed your postings and feel that your OP was indeed a genuine request for help. Some of what has been said is pretty hard to swallow, but like those horse sized vitamins, good for you once you choke them down :wink:

Now in defense, I don't believe any critical personal information has been given out. A first name was mentioned, and may be a good idea to request it be removed, but as said, even that doesn't reveal who the person is IRL.

Now, you start giving out WOW character ID's, that's punishable :tongue: :biggrin1:
 

MickeyLee

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So that's the only option then, that I'm self-deluding? It couldn't possibly be a difference in beliefs or perception? Your way or the highway?

not the only option... but a strong 87-92% probability.

for true.. you've admitted to not being happy. to having resentments. to doing things you're not proud of/regret.
those emotions will color your view of events.

is all forest for the trees. distance makes it easier to see patterns.
 
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IntoxicatingToxin

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I agree with ALMOST everything that has been brought up in the recent posts, and truly hope that you will step back enough to look at it as impersonal as you possibly can. Sometimes when we are genuinely trying to wade through all the emotions, and come up with the best solution, our views on our actions can be unintentionally jaded :frown1:

I did come here asking for help and I do appreciate the opinions. People have said things that have allowed me to view things from a different perspective and I've been kinda brought out of my funk already about this rut that the BF and I have been in. Already, in the past 12-ish hours, I've been more myself around him. I think the talk we had made a big difference.

We've spoken just a couple of times, but I have followed your postings and feel that your OP was indeed a genuine request for help. Some of what has been said is pretty hard to swallow, but like those horse sized vitamins, good for you once you choke them down :wink:
I don't have any issue admitting that I'm wrong, nor do I have a problem viewing things from another persons perspective. I enjoy it, actually, I think it makes me a better person. However, if something just feels wrong to me, or largely incorrect, or not cohesive with the situation or emotions involved, then I will disregard it.

Now in defense, I don't believe any critical personal information has been given out. A first name was mentioned, and may be a good idea to request it be removed, but as said, even that doesn't reveal who the person is IRL.

Now, you start giving out WOW character ID's, that's punishable :tongue: :biggrin1:

I actually spoke with the BF about this just now. He doesn't think that it's a big deal because none of the information given tells you who he is. That's sorta how I feel about it too.