Having to choose. [Warning: Ridiculously long post.]

rbkwp

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Well as a Gay male, i have enjoyed all Your posts from the outset, as i stated once before
I believe i have seen you present your case, work thru it, and keep us informed
appreciate that, very few on LPSG offer feedback
Just bitch, take whatever opinions are proffered, and generally Fuck off, sight unseen
Boring communication ..

and if you have offered anothers personal info, being against TOS, that of course is up to the current Admin / Mods to decide on, and we all know they will act...no matter who it is ..
 

Pirate Wench

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Intoxicating Toxin....

Oh boy....I know all too well how decisions that you thought were good ones at the time end up being more drama and/or misery than you Ever thought would happen.

FlightRisk - Soo understand the rush of someone who makes you feel naturally intoxicated. It's very addictive. But just the fact that you lost contact for months (?) at a time with no explanation from him is a HUGE Red Flag ! ...One you cannot afford to ignore.
My advice is to let him go before you're in deeper with him. I understand that letting all of that go is Not easily done.
That's the short response to that one.

SafePuppy - I have a comparison, sort of.
Not the same situation as yours (and sorry this is long) , but we've been in a situation where we offered to help a couple get back on their feet. 6 months or a year and then they were to move their camper and stuff off our property, somewhere else once they got their finances together. They weren't close to our house - we have over 5 acres. (this was a strictly platonic relationship we had with them...no chance of it being anything else....<Gack!> ...just wanted to help people we thought were friends. We don't have an open marriage anyway.).
Well, 3 and a half years later, last month, I gave them a Vacate Notice (a 3rd party signed as a witness that they received it and the date) to be off the property in 30 days, plus if they are not moved with all their stuff moved also, a copy of the notice will be filed with the local J.P.'s office who will proceed to having a Deputy Constable serve them with an eviction notice. That was mentioned in the vacate notice, also. I have their signatures on my original .
I consider this couple to be not friends anymore, but Users now....Grifters is a close term. I don't care what their drama is anymore, I just want them and their camper and stuff OFF our property. They were not paying us rent or anything, but used our water and electricity. If their dogs went somewhere with J. in J.'s truck, they Never cleaned off the leather seats after their dogs got them dirty...they're pigs.
I have enough drama to deal with of my own (which is one of the reasons I haven't been here at LPSG as often as when I first joined).

It quickly became an enabling situation, and it just made me feel Used and Disrespected and Angry. (Some personal bad drama happened a year after they moved onto the property and I just put off telling them they had to go. Husband, J. still thought they were friends and did not want the confrontation of telling them to move...J. has his own issues with depression to deal with. I could understand that....so I had to be the one to do this.)
It just became an atmosphere of Need Need Need - Use Use Use - Drama Drama Drama.
I wanted to scream "Get the Fuck off our property and take your drama and your junkyard shit With You !"
Yeah...I don't like this kind of confrontation either but someone had to and it was me.
I asked them to move last October and nothing happened. (He went to jail for 5 1/2 months for unpaid child support to an Ex, and she did nothing during that time towards moving)....yeah...a couple of real winners.
I finally had enough and handled the vacate notice myself. As of today, they have 7 days left in the 30 days stated in the notice.

Do I feel like a fool Now because we made them that offer to begin with ? YES !....what the Bloody Fucking Hell Was I Thinking !....but I also never imagined it would drag out this long. We just thought we were helping them.
"No good deed goes unpunished".
Ain't that the damned truth....

*
Anyway....
My point is that I think your situation with SafePuppy started out as one thing.....but it has now become an enabling situation. You are now enabling him and it isn't good for him Or you. You couldn't have known he would never have a job or never make an attempt to know your son. You couldn't have known a lot of things.
That you say you want to love him again like you did at the beginning is understandable, but I don't think that is possible...and, I'm sorry but he is now using you by having a place to live with no worries or responsibilities. If you don't feel resentment and feel used now, you Will.
I know he is not going to want to move. I can understand asking him to go will be a lot more messy and difficult than the vacate notice I gave to the Users on our property....but it is something that I feel you Must do for yourself.
It isn't fair to either of you to stay together if that original feeling isn't coming back. Given your living arrangement, I don't think that will happen because you have realized that he isn't contributing anything...It's All You. Stop this before it begins to depress you. You'll end up feeling Trapped by the situation.

I don't know what to tell you how to go about telling him he has to go and (I'm speculating) that there can never be anything more than friendship between you. ....
If he isn't budging and refuses to leave, you may have to do what we did.
Also I don't know the laws in the state you live in. In Texas, the person/people's names on the property deed are the ones who tell someone to get off their property. That might be your dad if you're living with him and your laws are similar. I only mention this worst case scenario cause mine is fresh in my head.

All you can hope for is that one day in the future, SafePuppy will acknowledge that you did yourself and him a big favor. You stopped it before it progressed any further if there is nothing serious in your future together.

FlightRisk ?...he'll get over it. It's insulting and disrespects you for him to expect you to still be around after weeks or even months of disappearance with no explanation. Since your involvement progressed to where it did, he Did owe you an explanation !
I would even say that would have been the Courteous thing for him to do, but some people have no manners. JMO.


I'm sorry this was so long winded !
Are you still awake ?
:-D
I don't know if my post was any help or not.
I wish you the best of luck with moving on past both of them: FlightRisk & SafePuppy.
That's what I would advise, anyway.
You need to take care of You...because No One Else Is Going To Do That For You.

edit: Forgot to mention I love your sig. quotes.
A favorite of mine:
"If you're going through Hell, keep going"
Winston Churchill
 
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OhWiseOne

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I did come here asking for help and I do appreciate the opinions. People have said things that have allowed me to view things from a different perspective and I've been kinda brought out of my funk already about this rut that the BF and I have been in. Already, in the past 12-ish hours, I've been more myself around him. I think the talk we had made a big difference.

I don't have any issue admitting that I'm wrong, nor do I have a problem viewing things from another persons perspective. I enjoy it, actually, I think it makes me a better person. However, if something just feels wrong to me, or largely incorrect, or not cohesive with the situation or emotions involved, then I will disregard it.



I actually spoke with the BF about this just now. He doesn't think that it's a big deal because none of the information given tells you who he is. That's sorta how I feel about it too.

I read this whole thread and the interesting comments being made. Then I got to this comment. :confused:
You're discussing your relationship here and then going back to your BF with what is being said by others. Is that the case? If so this thread has just became a shallow game of emotional BS.
 
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sbat

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This thread has gotten a bit out of hand, it's sort of a reason why I don't post much here anymore. Lol. Not sure what it is about me, but people don't like to hear what I have to say.

Such is life.

What were you expecting, exactly?
 

petite

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Have you ever heard Dan Savage talk about the price of admission?

The Price of Admission. - YouTube

Some of the things that you talked about might never change and they might be things that you need to accept and learn to work around. Things like having to ask him to clean the house might be one of those things. You can work around the issue by agreeing that he follows the Flylady cleaning plan, or by making a weekly cleaning schedule once that he can follow every week. This is just an example. I'm sure that you have personal weaknesses that he needs to accept. Everybody does. Everyone has pet peeves about their partner.

Regarding your personal weaknesses, I think that's where you are feeling at least some of the pushback. People see you list the flaws of your mate, but you haven't taken responsibility for things like what you've done here possibly hurting your partner or embarrassing him with this thread by airing your complaints about him when he hasn't had the opportunity to do the same about you. Now I read between the lines and I didn't think that you sound like you don't love him. If I listed all the complaints I have about TheBF, I'm sure he wouldn't sound golden either, but I wouldn't do that because I know that I wouldn't stand up to the same scrutiny. We're all imperfect and one courtesy that our loved ones do for us is that they don't make a point of airing them.

The problem is that you wanted to give us a clear picture of the whole problem so that we would know what it is. I get that in order to do that it is necessary to talk about your issues with him, which is where I suppose it becomes a bit of a catch-22. People will dislike you for telling us what you want advice about because the process of telling us the problem means doing something that people will dislike you for. :confused:

How does he feel about you talking about him here?

since SP isn't commenting... here is how his life looks from the outside.

i left my entire life behind to be with this woman i loved. things didn't turn out like i though they would. we're live in a small, hot box apartment with my lady, her kid and her father. i can't find a job. i look, and i've applied.. i admit to feeling defeated.

money wise, things are bad. i don't have unemployment anymore. she's paying my bills. i know she resents me, i feel like a burden. i feel like i am letting her down.

her kid, i don't know. i love the little dude, i really dude. but i feel like i might be pushing too hard. my girlfriend wishes we had a stronger father/son type relationship... i just don't know how to do it.

and for the last year or so* this women, the one i moved for, has been giving more of her attention, time, emotions to random dudes on the intorwebz.

i love her. i don't want to lose her. i'm just lost.

This is precisely the picture of him that I got from this thread. You wrote exactly what I was thinking he was probably feeling.
 
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sbat

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Opinions without personal attacks? I don't think that's too much to ask.

Outside of the Hitler thing, I didn't see much in the way of any personal attacks. Doesn't even seem to be much variation in the actual advice given of what people think you should do.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Have you ever heard Dan Savage talk about the price of admission?

The Price of Admission. - YouTube

Some of the things that you talked about might never change and they might be things that you need to accept and learn to work around. Things like having to ask him to clean the house might be one of those things. You can work around the issue by agreeing that he follows the Flylady cleaning plan, or by making a weekly cleaning schedule once that he can follow every week. This is just an example. I'm sure that you have personal weaknesses that he needs to accept. Everybody does. Everyone has pet peeves about their partner.

Regarding your personal weaknesses, I think that's where you are feeling at least some of the pushback. People see you list the flaws of your mate, but you haven't taken responsibility for things like what you've done here possibly hurting your partner or embarrassing him with this thread by airing your complaints about him when he hasn't had the opportunity to do the same about you. Now I read between the lines and I didn't think that you sound like you don't love him. If I listed all the complaints I have about TheBF, I'm sure he wouldn't sound golden either, but I wouldn't do that because I know that I wouldn't stand up to the same scrutiny. We're all imperfect and one courtesy that our loved ones do for us is that they don't make a point of airing them.

The problem is that you wanted to give us a clear picture of the whole problem so that we would know what it is. I get that in order to do that it is necessary to talk about your issues with him, which is where I suppose it becomes a bit of a catch-22. People will dislike you for telling us what you want advice about because the process of telling us the problem means doing something that people will dislike you for. :confused:

How does he feel about you talking about him here?

I am totally understanding of the idea that there are certain things I just need to live with, and the idea of creating a calendar of chores is something I could do. I'd only have to create it once every so often (week? month? permanent situation?) so I wouldn't feel so naggy. I know for a fact that I have personal weaknesses that he has had to accept, that's one of the reasons I stated that he's as supportive and understanding as he is - he's been able to truly accept certain things about me that other people have SAID they could accept, but couldn't when it came down to it.

I asked him how he felt about me talking about him here, this was the conversation:

Me: How do you feel about me using LPSG, or the internet in general but I say LPSG because it's really the only place I use, to discuss our relationship and relationship problems?

Him: Doesn't bother me.

Me: Lol. That's your response?

Him: *shrug*

Me: So you don't mind me talking to perfect strangers about our relationship problems or even my problems in the relationship?

Him: No. You posted my junk on the site. I don't know how the relationship stuff is any worse.

Me: Okay. Can you at least say out loud to me right now that you gave me permission to post your junk on the site so they don't attack me again?

Him: Yes, I gave you permission. *laughs* They attacked you?

Me: Well. Maybe not attacked. But they think I'm being too forthcoming about personal details.

Him: Oh.

/end conversation
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Outside of the Hitler thing, I didn't see much in the way of any personal attacks. Doesn't even seem to be much variation in the actual advice given of what people think you should do.

The vast majority of the thread has been fine, only 2 or 3 instances of things that I would consider personal attacks, though not severe. I'm not crying in a corner or anything, I am just a firm believer in stating an opinion on something without raising my "voice", name-calling, cursing, etcetera. It isn't the end of the world. :tongue:

*Edit* I wasn't even actually talking about the Hitler thing, that made me laugh more than anything.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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I am so sorry, I have no idea how I missed these two posts. I shall respond now!

Intoxicating Toxin....

Oh boy....I know all too well how decisions that you thought were good ones at the time end up being more drama and/or misery than you Ever thought would happen.

*snip*
That's what I would advise, anyway.
You need to take care of You...because No One Else Is Going To Do That For You.

edit: Forgot to mention I love your sig. quotes.
A favorite of mine:
"If you're going through Hell, keep going"
Winston Churchill

FlightRisk is definitely gone, now. After discussing his situation with some real life friends, I've come to a conclusion that I'm comfortable with in regards to him.

I'm going to stay with SP a bit longer, I do truly care about him and him me. I don't think he's intentionally "using" me, this is the first time he has not lived with his parents and needs a little coaxing. Lol. We had a nice talk last night and things are getting started on the right foot right now. We'll see what happens. I do appreciate the time you put into that post though, thank you! I'm also sorry to hear about the situation with your friends, that's unfortunate. I have some friends that went through a similar situation, actually, kinda sad. :frown1:

I read this whole thread and the interesting comments being made. Then I got to this comment. :confused:
You're discussing your relationship here and then going back to your BF with what is being said by others. Is that the case? If so this thread has just became a shallow game of emotional BS.

No, this isn't true. I said to him, without telling him why I was asking, "What do you think about someone posting personal information about another person online such as their first name, college degree, and hometown? Do you think that's too much personal information or what?" I used him as an example, which is why he responded about himself. If I were going to tell him everything that was being said here, I'd just tell him to log on and read it himself. Lol.
 

redz_rule

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I am totally understanding of the idea that there are certain things I just need to live with, and the idea of creating a calendar of chores is something I could do. I'd only have to create it once every so often (week? month? permanent situation?) so I wouldn't feel so naggy. I know for a fact that I have personal weaknesses that he has had to accept, that's one of the reasons I stated that he's as supportive and understanding as he is - he's been able to truly accept certain things about me that other people have SAID they could accept, but couldn't when it came down to it.

I asked him how he felt about me talking about him here, this was the conversation:

Me: How do you feel about me using LPSG, or the internet in general but I say LPSG because it's really the only place I use, to discuss our relationship and relationship problems?

Him: Doesn't bother me.

Me: Lol. That's your response?

Him: *shrug*

Me: So you don't mind me talking to perfect strangers about our relationship problems or even my problems in the relationship?

Him: No. You posted my junk on the site. I don't know how the relationship stuff is any worse.

Me: Okay. Can you at least say out loud to me right now that you gave me permission to post your junk on the site so they don't attack me again?

Him: Yes, I gave you permission. *laughs* They attacked you?

Me: Well. Maybe not attacked. But they think I'm being too forthcoming about personal details.

Him: Oh.

/end conversation

I don't think that is an entirely accurate representation of your posts in this thread tbh.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Ok - I think the version of the conversation you posted (assuming there wasn't more to it) severely dumbs down how harsh you have been towards him.

That was literally our conversation, I typed it as it happened and told him I was going to type it. Lol.

I guess I don't know what everyone thinks has been so harsh. I've said that he's an intelligent, educated good man that truly loves me and is supportive and understanding and the best guy I've ever dated. He has faults, which I have also stated, but I don't think that pointing out faults is "harsh". Especially since I wasn't an asshole about it. He knows he has faults, we both know I have faults. Humans have faults. That's what makes us human.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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The guy in the RLG thread is FlightRisk. So you are talking about two people total. I can show him the thread about his best friend it it makes YOU feel better, but he already knows everything about that friendship and would often be sitting next to me while we had conversations. Both his friend and I both asked him if our becoming friends bothered him or if the subject matter of some of our conversations bothered him (most of our conversations were about gaming, transformers, and trying to find him a girlfriend and a job, but some were about more sketchy things like sex) and he stated both times that he was completely fine with it. One great thing about SP - he's one of the most honest people I know. If he's okay with it, then why should I try so hard to make YOU okay with it?
 

MickeyLee

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nevermind.

continue to be you.
repeat patterns.
tend to ya bruise garden.

i'm gonna do my best *weak tho i be* to avoid this thread.
 
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