Well, the simple fact of the matter is, my homophobedar is far better than my gaydar. After a few weeks, you can usually tell which guys are going to freak. If he does freak, the proper response is to ask if he likes showtunes and sing the following to the tune of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General".
Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
On radio, the movies, and especially on the TV.
He gets all the allusions that are made about his testicles.
He's jealous of the Nellies who are emptying their vesicles.
His mind: it never takes a break, it's never on sabbatical.
And he can see neuroses that are unseen by the practical.
When he is with a girl, he always wonders why the others stare...
He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
Chorus:
He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
He says he's not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
He's very good at understanding hidden things surrounding us.
He's such a friend that he'll horn in, revealing what's confounding us.
In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
Chorus:
In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
He claims if he speaks out that the Authorities will lock him up.
But secretly he longs for some butch cop to beat and knock him up.
He can quote the "whats" and "whys" of matters psychological.
And points out to all others their psychoses pathological.
He can spot the closet queens with gaydar unassailable.
But says for their intentions he's completely unavailable.
Then he'll get into aliens, and government economy,
The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
Chorus:
The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it's all Mayan astronomy.
He'll turn up in strange bars and diners, manic in the dead of night.
And in angry froth and foam he'll rant about our gender-plight.
In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
Chorus:
In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
He knows what is meant by "pederasty", and by "Babylon".
And if things are tough at home, he'll pack his bags and travel on.
He'll reappear with a new job: a pie to stick his finger in.
And tell strange tales of strange affairs in places strange to linger in.
He will saliently describe his new-found personality,
And castigate all those he knows: immersed in their banality.
In short, he's got a hang-up and he's constantly denying it.
But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
Chorus:
But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
But I sure wouldn't be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
For all of his self knowledge, (and he is quite intellectual)
I guess I could be very wrong and he's not homosexual.
But still, in all the media, especially on the TV,
Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
Chorus:
But still, in all the media, especially on the TV,
Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
