Having Trouble Making A Decision...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by scUltra, Feb 18, 2005.

  1. scUltra

    scUltra New Member

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    Ok, I have been friends with a friend of mine for quite sometime now, and he doesn’t know im Bisexual. I can’t figure out if I should tell him or not, and was wondering how he can react. I don’t want our friend ship to end, and I also don’t wan him to think Im a “Stupid faggot” As some people say. I don’t know how he would feel being friends with someone who is bisexual, and I don’t even know what his beliefs about gay/bi people are. I know some people think that they should all be locked up and die, and some people think its fine. If he’s the kind of person who doesn’t like them I wouldn’t want him to know because it would ruin our friendship.

    So what im trying to figure out is if I should tell him about it, what are different ways he can react, and what’s a good way to tell him? At this time he would be the only one who would know, my girlfriend doesn’t know nor will she ever know (at least at this point in time)

    Any help would be great. Thanks!
     
  2. Imported

    Gold Member

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    carolinacurious: I don't know if I'm going to be able to help, I can tell you that it made my stomach hurt to read your post. Definitely been there. Two questions: How old are you? (the answer might be different if you're a freshman in HS rather than a Junior in College) and how is it that you really have no idea how your friend feels about gay people?
     
  3. scUltra

    scUltra New Member

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    Im a Jr in HS, 17.

    I have no idea how he feels, maybe I can bring something up about someone else being gay or something, and see how his reactions are? Im not sure, just really confussed. :(
     
  4. Imported

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    carolinacurious: Ouch. Man, I feel for you, I really hope you can get some good advice. I think what you've said, basically just feeling him out, certainly isn't a bad idea and couldn't hurt. For some straight guys dealing with a gay guy in the abstract can be very different than having to deal with one of their best friends (one situation has nothing to do with their own sexuality the other MAY cause them to question their own.)

    Do you have feelings for this friend and deep down want more? Do you feel like you need to tell him out of honesty? Do you just need someone to talk to? All of the above?

    I think I've experienced most of the possible reactions but I'm not sure that what you need to hear are my horror stories, particularly since things have changed quite a bit since I was in HS (they're not all horror stories either).

    I want to see what some of the other people will have to say but one thing I will mention about your need to not ruin the friendship, if your friend is a "gay hater" eventually you will either open his eyes or the friendship will end.

    It's easy to say that you need to be honest with yourself and the people around you and clearly at some point you will have to know that the people you surround yourself with love/like you for who really are. That being said, High School can be a real Son of a Bitch.
     
  5. soccerfanatic

    soccerfanatic New Member

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    Just tell him, I know u wouldn't wanna ruin your friendship but if he's so ignorant and prejudiced that he'd think you're a "stupid faggot" then he wouldn't be worth being ur friend. I'm sure it won't bother him a bit though, and if it does then just go find some more tolerant and kind friends :)
     
  6. Royal_T

    Royal_T New Member

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    scUltra, I have to generally agree with whats been said already.
    As long as you dont have the (worst case) situation where you think he would go and tell a bunch of homophobic assholes, then you should tell him. I doubt he would do what I just said, and if he really has a problem with your sexuality, then its better to find out sooner rather than later.

    You dont have to tell him, but if you dont, you might always feel like you cant fully be yourself around him. And what if you get a boyfriend someday? It would be tricky to hide that from a close friend I think.

    Anyway, its totally possible that he would find it interesting, cool, or just not care either way. And if any of those things happen, you can have a better friendship for it in the end.

    Whatever you do, make sure you are (relatively) comfortable with the decision, and good luck.
     
  7. scUltra

    scUltra New Member

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    Ok, One more question.. How would I bring it up?
     
  8. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I would suggest one day, I dont know how politically inclined you are, just start talking about the Gay Marriage rights, you dont need an excuse, its a major issue, just if there is a lull in a conversation, or an opertunity for a political rant comes up, just start a conversation about it.

    It doesnt matter which side you take, it should be easy to get out of him what his view on homo/bi - sexual people is, and that way you can test the water.

    If he is fine with homo/bi - sexual people, then say something like "Thats good, because I think I should tell you that I swing that way myself", if he is against them, then tell him all the same, tell him something like "Well, thats a shame, considering Im one of those <quote any bad things he says here> people myself" And then:

    He will either accept you, and you&#39;ve just changed the world and made one less Homophobe, or:

    He will not accept it, in which case, terminate the friendship, nobody needs closed minded, ignorant people as friends, who can&#39;t accept who you are, because then the problem isn&#39;t with you, it&#39;s with him, never forget that.



    And... I know how you feel. ;)
     
  9. jonb

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    Well, the simple fact of the matter is, my homophobedar is far better than my gaydar. After a few weeks, you can usually tell which guys are going to freak. If he does freak, the proper response is to ask if he likes showtunes and sing the following to the tune of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General".

    Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
    On radio, the movies, and especially on the TV.
    He gets all the allusions that are made about his testicles.
    He&#39;s jealous of the Nellies who are emptying their vesicles.
    His mind: it never takes a break, it&#39;s never on sabbatical.
    And he can see neuroses that are unseen by the practical.
    When he is with a girl, he always wonders why the others stare...
    He says he&#39;s not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.

    Chorus:
    He says he&#39;s not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
    He says he&#39;s not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.
    He says he&#39;s not neurotic: just obsessed with being self-aware.

    He&#39;s very good at understanding hidden things surrounding us.
    He&#39;s such a friend that he&#39;ll horn in, revealing what&#39;s confounding us.
    In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
    Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.

    Chorus:
    In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
    Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.

    He claims if he speaks out that the Authorities will lock him up.
    But secretly he longs for some butch cop to beat and knock him up.
    He can quote the "whats" and "whys" of matters psychological.
    And points out to all others their psychoses pathological.

    He can spot the closet queens with gaydar unassailable.
    But says for their intentions he&#39;s completely unavailable.
    Then he&#39;ll get into aliens, and government economy,
    The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it&#39;s all Mayan astronomy.

    Chorus:
    The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it&#39;s all Mayan astronomy.
    The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it&#39;s all Mayan astronomy.
    The Templar Knights, the Masons, then it&#39;s all Mayan astronomy.

    He&#39;ll turn up in strange bars and diners, manic in the dead of night.
    And in angry froth and foam he&#39;ll rant about our gender-plight.
    In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
    Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.

    Chorus:
    In short, in all the media, especially on the TV,
    Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.

    He knows what is meant by "pederasty", and by "Babylon".
    And if things are tough at home, he&#39;ll pack his bags and travel on.
    He&#39;ll reappear with a new job: a pie to stick his finger in.
    And tell strange tales of strange affairs in places strange to linger in.
    He will saliently describe his new-found personality,
    And castigate all those he knows: immersed in their banality.
    In short, he&#39;s got a hang-up and he&#39;s constantly denying it.
    But I sure wouldn&#39;t be surprised the day he ends up trying it.

    Chorus:
    But I sure wouldn&#39;t be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
    But I sure wouldn&#39;t be surprised the day he ends up trying it.
    But I sure wouldn&#39;t be surprised the day he ends up trying it.

    For all of his self knowledge, (and he is quite intellectual)
    I guess I could be very wrong and he&#39;s not homosexual.
    But still, in all the media, especially on the TV,
    Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.

    Chorus:
    But still, in all the media, especially on the TV,
    Everywhere he looks he sees a Homosex Conspiracy.
     
  10. jeepwranglerboi

    jeepwranglerboi New Member

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    ROFLMAO&#33; :lol: That is too damn funny&#33; The only bad thing about it is that I will never be able to watch &#39;The Pirates Of Penzance&#39; the same way again&#33; Thanks, I really needed that laugh.
     
  11. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Yeah - these guys have gave some great advice...Personally - in High School - I would not have the balls to have that type of discussion - even w/a great friend - so I commend you...I only say that because at 17 - even though he might be cool - he is just as confused or lack of knowledge as you and he might need to share what you told him w/someone else - just to get their take on it too...I mean just like you are asking for advice here - he might do the same thing concerning you - especially if he is in not as informed as yourself (thanks to LPSG)...Personally - I remember when a good friend told me he was bi-sexual when I was like 20 and I aint gonna lie - I was shocked and we talked about it for like 4 hours...Weird - I was kind of shaking a little but a lot of things started making sense...And I did want to talk to someone about it - but really didn&#39;t except for my roommate who had just recently come out to me because I knew my friend would want to talk to someone and explore that side of himself...But my friend did say that his mom found out when he and his ex-girlfriend broke up - she felt the need to inform his mom - guess she thought he was leaving her for a guy (not the case)...And he did always tell every girl he dated too (even the latest one) that he has fooled around w/guys and very much into guys as much as girls...He definitely still has hangups about the whole thing and really hates been labeled gay and probably has not told anyone else besides me but now I think all 3 of his brothers know too - and his family never discusses it (try to ignore it like it will go away)...And on another personal note - I think he is dealing w/his own personal demons concerning the subject because we have kind of lost touch in the last couple of years - due to my constant moving and phone number changes and we got in a huge fight a couple of years ago (just dumb friend stuff and myself helping him out financially)...But I totally supported him on his bi-sexaulity and even let him move in w/me - since I lived in a metropolitan city and himself in a rural and close minded town...I even took him to his first gay club so he could explore - it was a shock to see my friend make out w/a guy he met on the dance floor and my roommate at the time fell in love w/him too and I found out they kissed too...Take care of yourself Bro - remember you are young and the world is out there waiting for you...You will meet 100&#39;s of other great people in your life...I wish I was still in touch w/my friend because I have a couple of experiences in the last 2yrs that I can relate and share w/him...If you need anybody to talk to - this forum is great and you could hit me up too...
     
  12. Altairion

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    sc, I recently had a friend come out to me as being gay. We were just talking online about relationship stuff came up and he mentioned a significant other with either "he" or "his" as a reference. I had wondered for some time since I&#39;ve known my friend for two years now, but had always brushed it off before. Personally, he figured most people just knew, and most of our friends were ok with it. I think most of them know by now since it&#39;s slowly been getting out as he talks to people here and there.

    Anyway, he is the first friend I&#39;ve had who is gay. In some ways I&#39;ve accepted it, but in others I&#39;m still trying to figure things out. I&#39;m doing my best to keep my mind open, and hopefully your friend will be able to do the same for you. Just don&#39;t seem too timid about things, and try to continue on as normal as you can after you tell him. It&#39;ll make things go a bit smoother.
     
  13. Pappy

    Pappy Member

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    Just explain it like this. Ask if he understands how some people like sex with the opposite sex and some people like sex with the same sex. If he says yes then tell him you&#39;re just a greedy muther and you like sex with both.

    Seriously though, just be careful because you stand to lose a friend and being outed to your school. Make sure you are ready to go public with your bi-sexuality. In my opinion if he is a true friend, it won&#39;t matter to him one way or the other.
    Good luck and I hope he takes it well.
     
  14. scUltra

    scUltra New Member

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    Update:

    I tired talking to him over this weekend. I was about to just come out and tell him straight up, but i couldn&#39;t talk once i went over to talk to him. Its like someone put there hand over my mouth or somthing.

    Im going to have to try again some other time :(
     
  15. naughty

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    scULTRA,

    Do you have to tell him? If this is something that you are just now beginning to deal with perhaps you might wait a while. You are not being sneaky or dishonest. I think we have gotten to the point where we feel we have to disclose everything about anything. Quite often our bodies tell us things before our minds register them. I have a feeling you may already have an idea of what he might do. What do you think you will do if he reacts violently or tells others ? Is this something you are ready to have shared? You are only 17 , take your time don&#39;t do something you may regret.


    Naughty
     
  16. scUltra

    scUltra New Member

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    Yeah, but It would make me feel 100x better if someone knew, its like holding somthing in and you have to tell someone you know?
     
  17. Royal_T

    Royal_T New Member

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    I can totally sympathize with you, as Im going through a similar thing right now. I think you should be able to tell him, but wait until youre talking together and having a comfortable relationship before hand. That way its not just &#39;out of the blue&#39; stunning.

    Anyway, my point is really that you should be able to talk about such things with close friends, at least sometimes. After all, you cant even mention a casual attraction to guys, or any relationship with a guy if you dont tell him. That will just make the &#39;holding back&#39; feeling even bigger.
     
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