Having two lovers

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SilverSoldier, Aug 14, 2007.

  1. SilverSoldier

    SilverSoldier New Member

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    I'm 51 yrs old, divorced 2x, am completely bi, but being burned so badly in two marriages (24 yrs total) I'm not interested in that again. Too many dramas and head trips. My life has been a mess, quite frankly, until the last year and a half.

    I met a guy, we became roommates. He is a genius, but is troubled with biochemical depression from time to time. And, I'm bipolar, type 2. I've been very level over the past two years. We became partners, went through some real serious hell with our mental problems, and after the fire, looked at each other and said, if this is as bad as it gets, we can do this. And we have. But he needed to work out of state to be happy, and I needed to stay put. Lots of road miles. Our relationship is stable, and loving. We agreed that part of being at peace and pursuing our happiness meant that we didn't own each other, and that we both had to be open to other "possibilities" when we were alone and lonely and hundreds of miles apart.

    I met a guy who became a good friend. Story very similar to mine. He was going through pure hell. He just needed to know things were going to be okay that he wasn't alone. I introduced him to my partner. We all hit it off. I continue to hit the road most weekends to see "A". I'm an hour away from "B". He has kids and visitation rights, so it's not like we can make a life together right now anyway. (Just too complcated.) "B" and I kind of fell into sex one night, rather unintentionally. It was incredible.

    I've talked to A about this, and he's fine. The three of us have gotten together about 3x, and although it's a little unusual at first, it all happens rather naturally. For the most part, the two relationships are separate for me. I guess I'm the pivot.

    I know that such relationships are usually frowned on. It does get complicated at times. Egos have to be put aside to make it work. And the demands MUST remain low. We are all carrying a hefty burdend because of life's disasters, and our promise to each other is that we will be there for each other as much as is humanly possible. I live in an apt during the week, and have a beautiful home out of state on weekends. During the week I can visit B for a night or two at his place.

    I guess the reason I'm posting this is because I do believe that such relationships can work, but in all honesty, it really takes a LOT of putting your own insecurities aside, a lot of selflessness, and not making demands. The over-ruling factor in all this is we've each been through severe hell in our lives in catastrophes. We are all professionals, who should have been looking forward to a comfortable retirement, with grandkids on the way. But instead we're working our butts off 12 and 14 hours a day, supporting ex-wives and kids, and trying to find a little solace and peace, and in our case, it's actually working.

    Love really is good, when it's real love. When it's rather selfless. When you do things just to bring joy to the other person. When they welcome your sexual advances, and make them come as a gift to THEM. And then the surprise is that they so very willingly give even more in return.

    I've never had it this good before. I love these two men with my heart and soul. I think life's fires CAN make us better people in the end. And I hope for anyone out there who may be considering such a complex relationship that you'll take the idea very seriously before diving in. We don't do this for fun. We do it for love. The kind of love we didn't have in other monogamous relationships.

    So after all said and done, what do you think? I'm just curious.
     
  2. SilverSoldier

    SilverSoldier New Member

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    Just one other thing to add. Both A and B have the option of finding other partners/lovers at any time. There are not restrictions. The basic rule is no one night stands, no stds, always safe sex.
     
  3. Not_Punny

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    Well, if it works, GO FOR IT!

    You're adults, you're taking care of your responsibilities, nobody is getting hurt, and you're happy. Sounds good to me! :wink:
     
  4. yhtang

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    I do not have a particularly good memory, and that makes me a bad liar.

    I have been (briefly) involved in a similar situation and I end up mixing up what I have said, and what I have not said, to both parties.

    In the end, I just decided to reveal that I am seeing two persons at a time. One party was cool with it, but it ended my relationship with the other party.

    OP, you are fortunate to the extent that all three of you are known to each other. Take it from there. May you have much happiness in your life.
     
  5. Drifterwood

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    Cool.

    I've never understood serial monogamy.

    My only other thought is personal about how I so rarely hear good things about marriage.

    Good luck.
     
  6. Principessa

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    I think I'm a bit jealous, you found not one. but two men to love and whom love you. I'm a serial monogamist so I don't think I could ever be truly happy in a situation like yours; but I can appreciate the fact that it works for you.

    You sound not just happy but content and that's a good thing. :smile:
     
  7. Divine1

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    If it works for all of you....enjoy!
    The important thing is to find love and happiness without harming others.
     
  8. silvertriumph2

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    Good luck, silversoldier.

    If I understand it, you are in a relationship where all three of you are intimate together (a threesome) and they (A & B) have the right to see others, but you do not or chose not to. I can't see that is a very healthy situation, but if it works for you, so be it.

    I had 3 year relationship with two others at the same time, in different countries actually. I was in the US and they were in the same country. One lived in Munich, and the other in a near by village. Eventually they met each other by accident when one was meeting me at the airport. It was I who flew to see them a couple of times a month. Only twice did they come to see me.

    After we became a threesome, it lasted for almost 1-1/2 years. But, one of finally took a job in Munich and then moved in with the other. Eventually the two of them decided that they would remain together as a couple and be monogymous. That, unfortunately, left me out of the equation. I should have known that long distance relationships could never last. I was deeply affected by this and was very unhappy for a while. It is something that I now wish I had never been apart of.

    But I wish you the very best.
     
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