He Proposed And I May Have Said Yes Out Of Pressure.

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Hello everyone.

Excuse the long message, just trying to give as much background as possible for your honest opinions. Any questions feel free and i will get back to you all as soon as i can. Thanks in advance.

20 year old male here, in a year and half long gay relationship with my boyfriend aged 26. He proposed to me very recently in front of a crowd and i feel i may have said yes out of pressure. I do love him and we get on very well but i have this feeling like I'm not ready for it or maybe he still isn't the one for me.

We had spoke about marriage a few times, most recent was about 2 month ago were i said i would want to marry him but i wasn't ready yet and he agreed ( i mean you can’t exactly say no to that question plus he would get very upset or self conscious about it, if i did say no). So i kinda expected to talk about it again at some point and the marriage subject would be in the distance, even another year. I maybe now feel that this is my fault and that i didn't explain my feelings properly.

He is also the first and only one i have ever been in a relationship with and had sex with. He has had multiple partners before me. I in all honesty, think a lot of the time about sex with someone else and get upset at times knowing i cannot. We have spoke about it and he said he is completely against an open relationship but might dabble in a threesome. I would never cheat but don’t want to feel this way forever. In honesty i wish i fucked around before settling in a relationship. Wish that this relationship had happened later on in my life. Were i was older and maybe more mature and settled in my own personal life.

I am a part time student, not making much money at all. I have only recently (less than a month) came out to my whole family as being gay and now will have to explain to them i am getting married. My dad and brother have not even met him yet but my mum and sister have and they like him. I feel like i am too young and unprepared to be at this stage in life and don’t know what to do or think.

All my friends who know are all so happy for me and congratulating me. I almost feel trapped in some way. He has told his family and they are happy and i just feel i am pretending to be happy.

Any advice would be very appreciated
 

marriedasian

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if everything you said here is absolutely 100% true down to your soul then here me out and read this twice:

the first thing you need to do is sit down with your fiance when it is quiet and there is ample time to have a very open and honest conversation without emotions flying. i will warn you that more than likely, emotions will start to fly but since this is your personal issue, YOU need to be the one to keep your cool. if he loses it, then you need to stay calm and bring him back down or just stop the conversation and reschedule. you cannot converse with someone who is in an emotional and irrational state of mind. i don't know your fiance so when you tell him that you are having second thoughts about the marriage and not wanting it at all, shit will most likely hit the fan.

secondly, be brutally honest. your fiance needs to know EXACTLY where you stand and how you feel about the whole situation. keep your tone of voice serious and sincere; and don't ever raise your voice. tell him exactly and in detail why you feel you are not ready or don't want to go through with this. tell him how it made you feel when he proposed in public and you felt obligated to say yes so as to not humiliate him publicly. when you are talking, ask him not to interrupt you; and when he is talking, do not interrupt him. listen carefully to his words/actions and act accordingly to the decision you've made.

thirdly, make sure this is what you want. you're heading towards thin ice and it may turn into a one-way ticket for changing the dynamics of your relationship forever whether it be for the good or the bad. you must be willing to accept whatever consequences come from this confrontation. so take some time to gather your thoughts, write them down if need be, before you engage your fiance; and make 110% sure that this is what you want.

i'll close with some advice for you as the OP: you're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. i won't pretend to know what it feels like to be a gay man in this day an age and the tribulations of life that you are going through or is coming your way. it sounds to me like you still want to explore and learn more about yourself as a person and that's perfectly okay. it is extremely selfish and that's okay because at the end of the day, it's your life and you get to decide what you want to do with it. i know people who married in their early twenties and regretted it as well as people who said it was the best thing they ever did. we're all different people leading different lives with different timelines. only you can decide what you want to do.

based on the few words you've shared, i can tell that you're either 1) not ready for this level of commitment, 2) want to play around more to know yourself more, or 3) simply afraid of the future for what it means to be married. by the way, all three of these scenarios are perfectly okay and part of life.