1. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    That twinge in your intestines
    My first topic. I've posted to a few other threads. This is a very nice place you folks have here. I especially enjoy Madame Zora and Doc Rock's posts -- hers for warmth and compassion, his for wit and humor.

    Anyway, this is the web I find myself tangled up in:

    I've been seeing a woman I'll call Ophelia for about a month. I met her through one of those online dating services. I won't say which one, but it's named after a household item you could use to light a stove burner. We met at a local restaurant. The next night she invited me over to her place for dinner and the wine flowed, and one thing led to another... I made the mistake of having what I thought was recreational sex with her, and things have gotten more complicated from there. I took a couple of trips with her while I was between jobs, and it appears that she's gotten a whole lot more serious than I thought she would. I told her last weekend that I couldn't see her any more, and although she was not super-emotional about it, I could tell that she was hurt.

    This is a wonderful lady, very sensitive and intelligent, but I just don't feel a strong chemistry with her. Since our first meeting I've found out that she's a smoker, which makes things even worse. :puke:

    And to thicken the plot, my ex, Miz Enn, to whom I am still very much attracted and with whom I am still very much in love, wants me back. She and I have both realized that it was a mistake for us to break up, and that we belong together.

    I have taken a job in a city 170 miles from where Ophelia lives. She has called me and wants to come visit me where I am, and I'm sure the purpose of her proposed visit is not to pinch my cheeks and sing happy birthday to me. I don't want to be blunt, but I don't want to see her at all, or even talk to her on the phone, because she wants to fuck me.

    I know I need to be firm with Ophelia, I'm just looking for the courage to hurt a fine person.

    I have an impulse, 'tho not a strong one, to get basic with her and tell her that I can't be with a smoker and ask what the hell she plans to do with me from so far away. I don't do things that way. Could it be that I'm being too gentle? I don't know.

    Never thought I'd be having these kinds of 10th grade romantic woes at age 50, but there it is. I'm really blessed, and that's where I'm trying to focus. The love of my life wants to take a second chance with me, and there's another fine woman who craves my attention and affection. It's good to have choices. It's terrible to have choices. Miz Enn wins, though. Always will.

    My basic problem is that I'm afraid of doing what I have to do. Not looking for advice so much as a place to vent. Thanks for putting up with me.
     
  2. Alley Blue

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    Where she aware of all this from the very beginning? That you weren’t looking for a "serious" relationship?
     
  3. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    Where she aware of all this from the very beginning? That you weren’t looking for a "serious" relationship?
    [post=336211]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]


    I'm afraid I failed to let her know what my expectations were and made assumptions about hers.
     
  4. Dr Rock

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    I don't see the problem here. you've told her you're not interested; you are no under obligation to respond or even listen to any further overtures from her. what's she gonna do, break into your home and tie you down?

    and what in jumpety fuck has smoking got to do with anything??
     
  5. godiluvabig1

    godiluvabig1 New Member

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    Some people are just very turned off by smoking, although, I for one am not since I smoke myself... I'm working on quitting though... if I ever can lol
     
  6. Shamrock

    Shamrock New Member

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    I have a similar situation. I have realized that my girlfriend of a year and I will
    never understand each other's moral and political persuasions, and it will just
    cause more friction and long term unhappiness. I feel like we should break up, but
    Im her first serious bf, and she is SO loving to me and SO attached that everytime
    we "break up" she's on the phone sobbing "please don't leave me, I love you, don't do this, please I love you so much" - and last time it was in person, and I
    looked at her, pretty face full of tears, and so diatraught and I caved.
    I love her a lot, but some things she believes, I can't reconcile.
    Its like everytime I go to do the right thing, and not stuff her around, I see how
    sad she is and I can't bear to break her sweet little heart. I know it will eventually end but I don't think she can handle it ending right now. (she has a lot of pressure
    and stress in her life atm) She often tells me im the only good thing she looks foward to in her life because she's uphappy about uni, her job, career direction.

    I want to break up and then take Xanax for the next 3 months so I don't have to
    feel anything cause I know I won't be able to even function at work if I don't use
    something. She's a sweet girl but we are different in some really core values.
     
  7. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    That twinge in your intestines

    I'm one of these pain-in-the-ass militant ex-smoker ex 300lb. whale turned runner types. When I'm around smoke it either repulses me totally, or if I've had a few pints I want one. Been 21+ years since I had one, though. I'm a real self-righteous cunt about it at times. :icon_redface:

    And women who smoke taste like smoke everywhere. I find the taste unpleasant. Much as I like to eat pussy, the nicotine taste can put me off.
     
  8. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    :shrug: sounds like your life would be easier if you just lit up like everyone else :smoke:
     
  9. steve319

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    Oh wow. Deja vu. Sounds a lot like a situation I was in years ago, Shamrock.

    I'd say that you know that it's not fair to either of you to let it go on. You know that there are social/political issues that you won't be able to resolve and that this is no foundation upon which to build a life. For me, what really clinched it was asking myself (and this might sound harsh), "Do I really want this woman helping raise my children?"

    Now this is just my take, but with the advantage of years passed between now and then, I'd have to say that I look back on the way I handled (or mishandled) the situation and label myself a coward. I backed off emotionally and let it die, forcing her to kill the beast that we'd made rather than risk hurting her or being the "villain." It was selfish and cowardly and I've felt guilty about it ever since. I wasted lots of time and created emotional debris through my inaction and I carry that burden even today.

    Forcing her to go through these dramatic episodes in an effort to push you into declaring your undying love or into staying with her isn't fair to either of you, Shamrock. Consider that perhaps she needs help that you can't provide.

    And as for self-medicating to not have to deal with the pain of it, I'd also suggest (not that you asked, but I'm pushy this way ;)) just working through it if you can. Experiencing and coping with that pain, if you can, will help you grow and learn from it, perhaps preventing your ending up in that same situation again someday. Don't cheat yourself of this chance to grow if you can stand it in any way.

    Good luck with it, buddy. We're all behind you in this. :pals:
     
  10. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Dude you have to let it go now....You know you have an unhealthy relationship that you don't see you guys together long term....End it now because it is not fair to her or yourself....It might be rough and hurt but take it from someone who knows - it will feel like a weight lifted off you and you will see how happy you really can be and you will be kicking yourself for waiting so long....My best friend is going through a unhealthy relationship right now and he can't break it off even though he and she are very miserable in the relationship....Take care....
     
  11. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Yours is easy....Just tell her the truth....Just tell her you and your ex who you have a lot of history with decided to try to give it another try....Tell that you were never over her completely and this time apart made you realize how much of a mistake it was to break it off with her....Apologize for if you gave her the idea of leading her on....Good luck....
     
  12. citygirl

    citygirl Member

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    Yours is easy....Just tell her the truth....Just tell her you and your ex who you have a lot of history with decided to try to give it another try....Tell that you were never over her completely and this time apart made you realize how much of a mistake it was to break it off with her....Apologize for if you gave her the idea of leading her on....Good luck....
    [post=336451]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    PNG hit it right on the nose, you have to tell her the whole truth and try to be sincere when you tell her. No woman wants to compete with another woman who has a longer history with a man and bigger place in his heart. Its only fair to her before you hurt her more by letting it drag on. It will hurt but she will be thankful you ended it early.

    Good luck with your ex, as they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder"!
     
  13. Alley Blue

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    And don't forget to come back to tell us the outcome! :happy:
     
  14. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Congrats then....So you have a urgent need to come clean with the woman you are not interested in....Good luck....
     
  15. Imported

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    Jason01:

    I knew that I wasn't the only person alive who thought this also....
    My ex smoked, and I swear that she tasted differently(when I went down on her) if she had a cig. in the previous hours. It actually tastes repulsing. Same as kissing her, it reminded me of an ashtray.....yuck! :puke:

    Then again, if I am in a smokey room, I will get physically sick, maybe that has something to do with it....
     
  16. Dr Rock

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    ahhh, psychosomatic reactions. probably the only effective legacy of the anti-smoking campaign.
     
  17. dolf250

    dolf250 New Member

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    What I wanted to type has already pretty much been said. I was going to remind you of what you had wrote:
    “I know I need to be firm with Ophelia, I'm just looking for the courage to hurt a fine person.”
    I thought I might remind you that while breaking things off for good might hurt her, it is for not only your happiness, but for the good of your new relationship. To continue with “Ophelia” while seeing your ex would be wrong for all three of you and put your happiness and new relationship in jeopardy. As much as she may be a fine girl, I doubt that your ex would be overly understanding of a continued relationship with Ophelia, whatever the reasons.
     
  18. BobLeeSwagger

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    Not really much to add to the "break it off" suggestions that have already been made. But I hope you see the folly in continuing to see (and have sex with) a woman that you say you didn't have "strong chemistry" with. By taking several trips with her you gave her a reasonable indication that you were interested in something long-term. You led her on. Not that she isn't being unrealistic now after you've moved away and stopped seeing her, but you basically brought this on yourself. Try not to do it again.
     
  19. madame_zora

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    Wow, and I didn't get here until the fireworks were over!

    Hickboy, communication is crucial if you want to have a true "recreational sex" experience. Why would you assume that's what she wanted without asking her? If you met on a site that was just about sex and hook-ups, it would be different, but that's a trdaitional dating site. Same thing goes for open relationships- I can't tell you how many men have told me they are in an open relationship, only to find out later that their girlfriend didn't know it was open! Get off the bullshit, guys- it's just not cool. Not speaking these things aloud deceives your partners (shame on you!) and denies YOU the right to find what you truly seek, which is also a shame. A lie of omission is still a lie.

    Now, you certainly don't owe anyone an entire history of yourself or your exploits, but you really should tell them what you want from your time with THEM, so as to avoid confusion. We all learn things in stages, so hopefully this will be an experience you will use to strengthen your open communication with the woman you are rejoining now. I wish you the best in love.


    Shamrock, your situation is more complicated because you have been honest, and it does take time to get to know someone before you can even tell if you'll be compatible.
    I don't see where you could have done anything differently, until now. If you feel that your differences are not ones that will be resolved, then there is no compelling reason to continue the relationship, allowing her to continue to project fantasies of a future with you. She has learned by now that if she cries she can get her way, but that's the behavior of a child, not a grown woman. I do think it sucks that you have to "be the man" and make the break. I don't understand why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone after than person has said they don't want to be there, but there you are and it happens to men all the time. I apologise on behalf of weak minded women everyehere (they gross me out too), but getting free of this girl, however much affection you feel for her, is really your only option if you value your own sense of self. I know that you are a strong minded person, and so frequently the strong must do what the weak cannot. Although I don't envy your situation, I do empathise and wish you well in your efforts, I think you know what has to be done. Please turn to friends (even us) instead of substances, because working through it is so much healthier for you mentally than shoving it under the rug.
     
  20. Alley Blue

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    I was wondering what took you so long Mme. Zora :p
     
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