Heeeellllp! I'm at a crossroads...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_bi76to7t, Jul 28, 2011.

  1. D_bi76to7t

    D_bi76to7t New Member

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    Hello All,

    I'll keep this brief...I am a 30yr old black male, and handsome I might add(chuckle). For the past 6/7 yrs I've been in an intimate relationship with another guy. Alot has happend over that time which has taught both of us many things and helped us to mature. Our relationship is 'on the low' (although many suspect and a few know).

    Admittedly, we are opposites...so its amazing that we've navigated this relationship so long without driving each other up a wall, but we have (chuckle). Actually, a friend of mine commented, 'I still don't understand how the two of you ended up together you're so different.' I replied, 'We balance each other out. Whereas I was the one always wanting to go out, he enjoyed being home. So, after a while, we were able to learn how to compromise and respect the others personality without trying to change each other.'

    I've always been the one who wanted a 'public' relationship...he, not so much. As I look back, I have mixed feelings about that b/c whereas I was ok with walking through the park holding hands it would have CERTAINLY created problems within our context. So, his need for privacy really helped to curb a great deal of the scrutiny we would have gotten as a result of being more 'public' about things.

    Anyhow, in March he tells me that at the end of the year he's going to be moving to Georgia. BTW, I live in NJ and he in NY. Although I didn't express it in that moment, I was floored! As his custom is to not deal with conflicting issues until he's ready, it took some 'light stepping' on my part to bring up the issue of him leaving and what that potentially means for us. At the onset of those conversations he kept saying, 'Nothings gonna change. It's still you and me. I just want to move forward in life and feel I can't do that here.' BTW, he's 31 and lost both his parents (one around around 17, the other around 23) and has no siblings. I too am an only child. As I understand it he feels like this move will be a 'new start' for him.

    As I believe that we all have agency I would never stand in his way, but truthfully, I don't understand this. Last year I was in Georgia for about 3 months for work and prior to it, sat with him to discuss it to make sure he knew everything. While there, I fell in love with it and do intend to move there once I complete my masters (I'm walking into my last year this Sept).

    This is the longest relationship both of us have been in...but at times he makes references to getting married (to a woman). Admittedly, I wanted that too, but overtime started to accept the fact that it may never happen since although I'm emotionally attracted to women, I'm sexually attracted to men.

    I guess, I'm just looking for some advice on this whole thing... I feel like I'm at various crossroads in life and could use some real advice. Thanks!
     
  2. funguy3

    funguy3 Member

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    talk to him. ask him these things. if you can't openly talk about these issues (especially the "getting married to a woman eventually even tho he's been with a guy for 6-7 years already" issue..), then maybe you're just too different and it's time to move on. If you both want each other in the end, and can get through the next year, then meet him in Georgia in a year, and live happily ever after. Moving to a new place will help you both "start fresh", and what you do with the private/public nature of your relationship is up to only two people (bet you can guess who..)..

    I mean, what do I know, I'm only 21. But clear communication is the key, and if it can't happen, that's the biggest sign.
     
  3. DavidXL

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    Honestly, AQ, without knowing more, it is not a great sign for your relationship that he is making plans to move away and those plans don't specifically include you going there with him (i.e., he is going there with or without you). I was crazy in love with this girl once, we were living together, and we had talked hypothetically in a couple of years of moving to California, which is where I was from. I remember thinking it was the begininng of the end when, after she finished grad school, she decided to take an extended (3 month trip) to California without me. I loved her so much, there was no way I would have wanted to be away from her for that long, and I figured - rightly, as it turned out - that if she felt the same about me as I did about her, there's no way she'd leave for so long. We ended up breaking up, and I was pretty devastated about it for close to a year - probably the most painful period of my whole life.

    If I were you, I'd make sure I was looking out for my best interests.
     
  4. lvsxy808

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    Yeah, to me the "moving to Georgia" thing was the biggest red flag.

    He already placed other people above you by bowing to other people's concerns about your relationship rather than acknowledging it publicly. This is just the biggest example of the same thing. That he could come to you and tell you that he's already made the decision to move, without taking you into account at all... well, it sounds like you're not really in as much of a relationship as you think you are.

    Going by what you've said here (which to be fair to him, is only your side of the story), it seems like you've put a lot of effort into making this relationship work for his sake, but he has not done the same in return. For seven years you've given up the right to an openly-acknowledged relationship to protect his closet - I don't see that he has made any effort to meet you half way.

    He's even told you that he plans on marrying a woman in the future. Putting aside the sexuality issues, this means he has told you to your face that he plans on breaking up with you at some point. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that is a WAY bad sign in a relationship.

    If there's to be any rescue from this, it's going to take a lot of solid, honest, frank conversation. Polite, not accusatory on your part, but equally don't let him get away with cajoling and seduction. You need concrete answers to these questions, and if he gives you answers you don't like, or won't give you any answers at all, well then that IS your answer.

    .
     
  5. nudeyorker

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    I'm sorry but he is breaking up with you by moving away and not including you. People with poor social and communication skills often handle conflict this way.
    My best advice to you is to pick up the pieces of your life and move on and then you hopefully will find a real man to share your life with.
    I'm sorry this happened.
     
  6. dolfette

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  7. helgaleena

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    You guys have always been in the closet. Perhaps it's time to make it an open relationship, see ladies, find new friends, since geography is getting you to part anyhow. Broaden your minds and hearts. You will always be friends and lovers if that is what you both want. And when one of you IS in town, you will have a warm safe place to crash and relax.

    I am this way with two men who don't live in my town, who have families of their own. One of them introduced me to the other and I would never choose between them as it would not be possible!
     
  8. D_bi76to7t

    D_bi76to7t New Member

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    WooooooW! Thank you all for your replies... I really appreciate it.

    Honestly, some of what you said I didn't want to hear, but needed to. Each of you brought up some VALID points (but I won't spend this time reiterating what stood out to me)...I'll just say that I'm coming to grips with this whole thing. And, just to bring you up to speed, we had a healthy conversation over the weekend, that gave me some more clarity into his decision. Hmmm....we shall see what comes of this (LOL!) Thanks again!

    AQ
     
  9. ericbythebay

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    If you're not 'public' in NJ and NY, you won't be 'public' in Georgia.

    I'd ask him what he wants, does he want you to move too? Do you really want to move and be with him?

    My husband and I had been together for six years in Central Illinois when he got accepted to law school at Berkeley. We talked about it, and decided we would both move. I had to sell my business, but we've never regretted the move, granted San Francisco is a bit different than moving to Georgia.
     
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